do I call him? kinda long
Raspberry807
member
I mostly lurk, but I'm struggling with this and my friends/family are all biased against my ex so it's useless to discuss something like this with them.
short version: ex hurt our kids emotionally two weeks ago on his parenting time, I am reluctant to take the kids there this weekend because the situation doesn't seem to have changed. he hasn't made any effort to contact the kids since, though he promised them he would. do I follow our usual agreement (not a CO) and let him have them this weekend?
long version:
so ex and I did our parenting agreement ourselves out of court and it states he will take the kids (6 and 3) every other 4pm Saturday - 4pm Sunday. this usually works well, I always drop them off and pick them up from him. he pays support through the county.
two weeks ago I dropped them off at 4pm Saturday, and he called me at 5pm demanding that I come get them, his girlfriend was starting nasty arguments with him and he didn't want them exposed to that. I resisted, saying he needs to parent and be responsible for them, protect them and keep them safe. FFS it's only 48 hours a month he is responsible for them. but the girlfriend and their baby live with him and he said he couldn't just kick her out.
anyways, I ended up picking them up, and he was crying and telling them he was sorry, and he promised to call them... (we ended up having a great night out at a movie and fun stuff so they were fine). today is 12 days since and he hasn't called them.
before I decided to go get them that day, he got real nasty with me on the phone accusing me of not caring about my kids (hah!) and I put it right back to him that he never calls them and goes 2 weeks at a time with zero contact. and I even went so far as to tell him fine, I'll come get them, but as long as the girlfriend is living there, I don't trust her, and after this episode I can't trust him to protect them. so he will have to take me to court for custody as long as she is living there. I threatened to take his kids away from him completely. ugh.
so he's supposed to have them this Saturday night. I know what I told him in the argument, but we were both pretty angry, and I do not want to keep my kids from their dad. he's not the best, but they adore him. (DD just started writing full sentences and wrote in her journal "I miss my daddy so much" as we drove away that night) I really do not trust the girlfriend now though, she doesn't care about my kids and will start nasty fights with ex in front of them. they are still living together.
what would you do? stand your ground and not offer to bring them over until there is some assurance he won't hurt the kids emotionally again? should I call him now and ask if he's planning to keep them Saturday night? and ask for reassurance that all is okay? for the past 3 years, I've tried to facilitate a good relationship between him and the kids, and he can't pick up the phone and call them once in the 12 days after he sent them home and even made the promise to call? my kids haven't mentioned him at all, or I'd for sure let them call him. I'm kinda done pushing it though, it hasn't made a difference in 3 years.
Re: do I call him? kinda long
I am sorry you are having to deal with all of this.
I would be really upset too! If it was me, I would stand my ground. Don't call him until he contacts you. I also, probably, wouldn't take my LOs to his place if he hasn't even attempted contact. If he does call I would try to explain the situation your in, what it is like to see them disappoint/upset, how he needs to work with you to make it a better situation overall for the kids. If he won't listen, I wouldn't take my kids over there! Let him take you to court!
Do the kids ever talk about any questionable situations (besides the one mentioned) that happen while they are there?
I hope you will be able to get this whole thing resolved! Again, sorry you are having to deal with this!
Ughh what a crappy sitch for you. I'm so sorry.
It all depends on your relationship with your ex. If it were me and my ex, I would probably call to discuss it and keep it factual and strictly about the kids... "the kids were really upset after what happened last time and they were disappointed that you didn't call after you told them you would. I'm concerned that your girlfriend living with you and picking fights in front of them is not a stable situation for them." I think that's really all you can do. It's not something you can keep his kids from him for, nor should you (but it sounds like you know that). But I definitely wouldn't ignore the situation and not contact him, that won't make things any better.
thanks all... yeah I will probably do this tomorrow. there have never been problems with the kids not wanting to be with him other than some separation anxiety with me sometimes. just makes me sad that he doesn't care whether they were hurt by him sending them home, or if they thought it was their fault. he just doesn't care. I am done going out of my way though.
I think you are overreacting and I think you both a bunch of Drama Llamas.
According to your story, He was in an arugement w/ his live-in GF. He called while upset and didn't ask the nicest and told you to pick up the kids they don't need to witness this.
You said it's his job to protect them blah blah blah handle it yourself.
Well, he was TRYING to protect the kids and get them out of a potentially volitile situation. And you balked and didn't say yes of course do you wnat me to take them for a few hours while this blows over or do you want to try again next weekend. You weren't helpful you added to the aggreviation. And continued to berate him.
How more frightening for the children to see him 1. throw the GF out, or 2. have the police come and physically remove her from the premises. And just a note here if the cops come in to a domestic disturbance and children are there/involved guess who else gets a ride to the police station and possibly call CPS until they find out who is primary custody.
He was doing you a flipping favor by calling you to take the kids out of a toxic situation he couldn't get out of.
Even if you don't have a CO, you have 3 years of visitation precendence. He's currently getting less than most state's minimum visitation schedule. He would probably get what he has and more. Probably, EOW Fr-Su, 1 weeknight during the weekends you have the children and 2 weeks during the summer.
You're only VALID point here is that he promised to call the children and didn't.
Stop pushing him to call the kids during your parenting time (hang out on the blended families board a little that can be a double edged sword)
Some guys/dads aren't phone guys. You concede he's a decent dad and the kids are bonded to him. Chill and stop micromanaging the relationship. Your kids are kinda young for meaningful phone conversations anyway.
I get that it's frustrating that you have the burden of raising the children, and that he's only with the kids for 48 hours a month. But that's on you as well b/c you agreed to this schedule. If you want him to be more involved tell him this schedule doesn't work you need to agree to a new one. You have no say about the GF drop it and I'm sure he doesn't appreciate your unsolicited advice so bite your tounge and let him know if things get out of hand again you will come get the children and you will work out another time to see them when things are calmer.
You need to look like the sane one here.
thanks sweetie, I get a lot of your points. I have a history of letting people walk all over me though and he knows this the most so I guess am trying to figure out if this was one of those situations, or I just need to move on and hope he makes good choices for them.
he made the choice for 48 hours a month, I want him to have EOW Fri-Sun. I ask him about every other month if he'd like to take more time and he always turns me down.
Don't ask, TELL.
"Father of my two beautiful children, we are getting our visitation agreement formalized and I will be filing it with the court. Since, the children are older then they were 3 years ago when they were babies, they really need their Daddy time. You are going to get them 1st and 3rd weekends, Friday- Sunday. Do you want wednesday or Thrusday to be your dinner evening w/ them? And then 2 non consecutive weeks in the summer to be deterimed and Scheduled by 5/31."
Grow some balls and tell him what he's gonna do. "No" doesn't work for you or the children regarding this.
Maybe you two should go through the court and have a legally binding parenting contract? That way when he breaks it, there are consequences. Right now, he can let his girlfriend screw things up and all of the work lands on you. If he had to stick to the plan or lose visitation for real, maybe that would make a difference.
I disagree incredibly strongly with this. You have to put the needs and welfare of your children above everything else in this situation - him sending them away after an hour is not in their best interest. Him having them in a living situation that is unhealthy is not in their best interest.
You need to get him into a courtroom and made to understand what his responsibilities to his children are. If he is willing to provide a healthy and stable environment and stick to the parenting plan to a T, then you shouldn't keep him away from the kids. If he isn't, he is making the choice for you.