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Attachment Parenting
Where does one go for life/career advice at this age?
Besides The Bump? :-)
I am really struggling with determining what I want for this next phase of my life. I'm coming up on my 9 year anniversary of my job and dealing with the realization that I've spent nearly a third of my life working towards something that no longer means very much to me. I feel like I need to switch gears, maybe go back to school, or start my own business, or something...I also want to have a second child next year, which is a secondary issue, and my current career path would easily allow for that. I just can't escape the nagging and conflicting feelings of "have a baby" "change your life" "don't have a baby to change your life".
I feel like I need to go see the school counselor or something. Therapy? Life coach? Psychic? Who helps 30+ year old working moms figure out who they want to be? DH is supportive of anything I want to do but is so hands off in regards to helping make a plan or suggesting alternatives. I'm the one that makes the plans but right now I can't.
I have a good life, great husband/daughter/dog, secure and flexible job, etc. It seems so selfish to want to turn everything inside out. Maybe this is an early mid-life crisis.
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Re: Where does one go for life/career advice at this age?
I could've written this myself and askmoxie.org has the same thing on her blog right now. There were a couple books in the comments section (Wishcraft & The Ten Year Nap) that I'm going to check out.
Good luck, looking forward to seeing other comments.
Eliot. Born 6/18/10
Missed m/c discovered 1/6/12 at 8-9 weeks
D&C 1/10/12
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My husband and I are both at that point in our lives and jobs. We have both been very lucky to have "fallen" into what we are doing at the moment, but the flipside is, neither one of us are using our degree, or (I think) working at a job that uses our full potential.
I've talked to DH and basically said that I don't want to look back in 5 or 10 years time and regret not doing something about feeling this way. I know it's not too late to go back to school or look for something else, but I don't know what I want to look for.
I also know it's going to be hard to swing something financially, and we are living almost paycheck to paycheck as it is. Not very responsible, and not how I was raised, but with some medical bills etc it's hard to do anything other than just make ends meet.
I don't know who I would talk to other than my IRL peers to get their advice, my family lives overseas, so not easily accessible.
Let me know when you figure something out!
I struggled with the baby/career thing before having DD, thought I figured it all out by striking out as a freelancer and slowly transitioning from full-time job/part-time freelancing to part-time job/part-time freelancing to no day job/all freelance/all mama. Yet, here I am again struggling with "what's next?" and "do I really want another baby?" and "do I really want the instability of being a freelancer for the rest of my life?" and "am I ready to look for full-time work again if I'm not sure if we'll have another baby in the next year or two?"
I wish I could be more helpful beyond just saying I can completely commiserate. Right now, DH and I are considering moving abroad for a large part of or all of 2012, he quitting his job and me applying for all kinds of fellowships or teaching posts to keep us afloat. But we're also considering a lot of other scenarios. Going abroad is appealing because it feels like running away, but I know all of my life anxieties would just come right with us.
Good luck.
I know what you mean, it is really difficult to find people to talk to about life/career issues who can also give qualified advice. I was laughing a bit at your 'don't have a baby to change your life' because having a baby, also number 2 will change your life and I honestly don't think there is anything wrong with having a baby to change things :-) My 5 cents is that if you are thinking these thoughts then you are not 100% happy with your work and that's a good way to start. Two of my friends who have had similar thoughts and problems career-wise have enjoyed life-coaches very much. It is of course important to find the right one but they keep recommending it and say it changed their view of things and keep them motivated. Sometimes it is also about getting reaffirmation that your life is good as it is :-)
Personally I am all for change. But I have moved country about 7 times (wow, had to count!) since I was 18 and it looks like I will move again by the end of the summer. I have no problem going where opportunities are but I am also able to keep my core-job and career going this way. How about looking for a new job that is more challenging? Btw, I am really curious to know what you actually do :-p
I appreciate the thoughtfull replies and will try and consolidate all of my responses into this post.
Senorgurl - Thank you for the links. I will check out Wishcraft as well.
Birdies08- I have a degree in Political Science. I no longer have any desire to "change the system" like I once did. Any further education would be in a completely unrelated field.
Glasgow Girl - Your comment about not wanting to look back in several years and have regrets really resonates with me.
Anna - I too wonder if this need for change is a way to escape.
Louise - After college I took a entry level posistion at a start up company (wholesale/optical/fashion industry) and was employee #2. Since then the company has evolved to a multinational multi-million, but not huge, corporation. I oversee our operations and international sales and am on track to be the C.O.O. as we take things to the next level. I am also grossly underpaid and over the ever illusive dangling carrots. What use to be exciting, building the brand, being part of something "cool", has become increasingly unsatisfying. The challenge of growing something from nothing has been replaced by feelings of void and general dislike towards corporate consumerism, greed, etc. I also, in part, don't feel like I can ramp myself up enough to put the work in that the increasing demands of my posistion require. If I'm going to commit to something I feel like it should be in the interest of myself and not someone else's products, dreams, success, etc. I have no idea if any of that makes sense.
Have you thought about going into the non-profit field at all? I know this is probably not helpful in regards to your original question, but I as of now have no real life experience balancing work and children, so I'm just going to try and respond to what does sound familiar
I had a job in the private sector where there was plenty of room for advancement and a chance to make good money. I thought that was what I wanted- the company was small and family owned, the people I worked with were good at what they did, I got enjoyment out of the day to day tasks, but I wasn't happy. I switched to a job completely unrelated to my degree that was lower paying and pretty much a demotion, but I find it so fulfilling, which just makes all the difference. I think that if you aren't getting that out of your job, then you should start looking for something else. GL!
I went to a life coach and it was very helpful.
That being said, it was pretty expensive (I had money at the time) and led me to make some really risky moves. Am I happy? yes. could it have gone horribly wrong? yes. Do I sometimes wish for the security of having a normal 9-5 job with a secure paycheck? yes. But most of the time I don't.
They key to a life coach is finding someone you click with and is truly good at helping you figure things out. because that's what they do - help you figure things out, not figure things out for you. that's where you can get into trouble.
hope this helps! and good luck!
It took your post to make me stop, think and realize that in 2006, DH and I both went on an international job search. He ended up getting a job offer in Mexico City in early 2007, but I didn't, and we decided to ditch the move abroad project and stay here, changing what we didn't like about our jobs in NY at the time. I got pg later that year (after spending a delightful summer doing a few personal projects in Italy and Russia).
This made me think two things right now. 1) having a baby to change your life is not necessarily a bad thing. It bought me an extra five years or so on the "what the heck am I doing/why do I feel stuck?" front. 2) on the other hand, if there's something you really, really want to do, chances are if you don't do it now, you'll wake up in 5-10 years and want to do it then. Or not, depending on your reasons for wanting to do whatever "this thing" is.
I worry that if "this thing" I really want is a baby, in 5-10 years it will be too late for me, biologically. Thus, it has probably been easier to just renew my focus on getting one more stint abroad before settling into the rest of my life.
The one thing that I keep coming back to, is how can I tell Ella that she can do anything if she tries hard enough, and can be anything she wants to be, if I haven't done it myself?
That's what I fear most, that I won't be able to inspire her because I settled for what was the easy path.
I don't think there's a time limit on inspiring your child. Her view of you will develop and change throughout her life and so will your view of yourself and what you want to accomplish. So many of the things my mother did before I was born and when she was raising me failed to impress me until I was much older (at the age she was when she did these things or older). She went back to college when I was in high school and it was just an "inconvenience" to me at the time because it meant she wasn't home to cook dinner or able to pick me up after school, etc. But by the time I was graduating college, just a few years later, I was so incredibly proud of her for having done that.
hmmmmmm these are really good points. It would at the very least probably help if I could priortize between advancing career wise or family wise first. Sure, both could be done at once but I think that is where things get overwhelming. "I can't possibly do both right now". The only one putting that kind of pressure on me is myself and my perception of time.
Well, to an outsider your job still sounds ubercool and interesting :-) But I know from my own personal experience that being underpaid, even if you are appreciated on a qualitative level, is undermining for one's self-confidence. I moved with DH here 4 years ago to no job and had to take a job that paid half of what I was 'worth'. Not because we couldn't make it on DH's salary but because I needed to work and feel just a little appreciated. I went on to get my own 'real' job and I make more than DH now :-) But that first year was tough. What was surprising to me was how bad I felt about my situation at that time, I would never have thought before going, especially since I was a driving factor in us moving back to the States (we lived in the UK before). But I think there is something to be said about, if not being paid well (to whatever standard that might be) one should at least be passionate about the work, and the work should be personal. Having your own business does not sound like a bad idea then, this would be something you cared about a lot more.
Oh, and walking home today I thought about an exercise, basically a list to write, this might help you too: Write down all the people you know in real life who you admire. Write down why you admire them, what qualities they have. Then write next to that which of these qualities you feel you possess. This will make clear what kind of personal and professional qualities are important to you and might help figuring out where your strengths are.