Pure Frustration!
caymarks
member
I don't even know where to start. I'm 37 weeks pregnant with my first child (DH's 2nd). The last couple of months BM has done everything she can to keep us from getting his son on our weekends. She would tell us no due to weather and then call 2 hours before and change her mind. DH's son told us that his mom said his dad didn't want to see him and that's why he wasn't going, but that he changed his mind so now he's coming. The last time we were going to pick him up she said she wouldn't let him come bc we don't give him his medicine and don't even bother coming bc she wouldn't be home (We always give him his meds). DH called the police, but they said they couldn't do anything. We couldn't call the courthouse because it was a Friday and after hours. DH called courthouse first thing Monday and they said she had called them and told them that we don't give him his meds and mentioned 3 times that I'm pregnant (which has nothing to do with her saying we don't give him his meds). But the lady at the courthouse said that she thinks BM has a problem with me being pregnant. They said that they would send her a letter saying that if she refused to let us have him then they would send a police to arrest her bc she would be in contempt.
We are coming up on our weekend to have him again and my DH just got a call from DCFS saying that they need to meet with him bc she called and said that we aren't giving DH's son his meds and that he had a seizure last time he went home from our house and that was the reason. He meets with them this afternoon and he was almost in tears when he called me. He doesn't know what to do. He's trying to keep his focus on our baby that will soon be here, but is so torn about not seeing his son for over a month and having to meet with DCFS.
I must admit...while I'm trying to be supportive my emotions are going crazy. I don't understand why she has to do this right now. We have gone out of our way to let things go, she has told us to provide things for him and we make sure we do, and I won't even go into the living situation she has placed him in. Let's just say he started kindergarten this year and has already been in 3 different schools.
What do we do? How can I try to be supportive for my DH when I'm so frustrated that our full attention can't be on DS on the way? Any suggestions/experience would be so appreciated.
Re: Pure Frustration!
Regardless of what is going on with BM your full attention should not be on the impending arrival of the new baby. It should mostly be on your SS, you know, the one that is in need of affection, attention, food, care, etc.
Your H needs to be documenting every interaction with BM. Maybe they should only communicate via email from now on, so that a written document of their discussions exist. DCFS should be able to tell if things in your home are safe for SS and will rule accordingly. Your H needs to contact his lawyer, if he hasn't done so already and let them know what is going on, and to see if they should be pursuing anything in the court system (modification in CO for example)-because if things are as bad as you are saying (three schools in one year???) then a modification sounds like it might be in order.
I'm sorry you're going through this while you're pregnant. My SS's BM went to Child Support and opened a case saying that DH never gave one cent since he was born (he's 13 now) and Child support sent us a letter saying that if we didn't have a big payment to give, DH could go to jail! DH and I had most receipts but not all. We ended up owing $3,000 of payments that we couldnt find proof to. She did this as soon as she found out I was pregnant. We had a savings account set up for my DS that we had made so many sacrifices for and just like that had it taken away by BM. I was devastated for about a week. Then I realized that some people are just plain immature and plain evil.
Obviously she's jealous that you're pregnant and puts those feelings before the happiness and well being of her own son. She's immature and a bad mother.
Unfortunately having a SK means that your DH will never be able to give all his attention to your LO. As hard as that might be for us to hear, it's true.
My advice is PAPER TRAIL. Have him write an email saying that he needs to communicate with her via email from now on. Document on a journal the times and amount of meds when you give it to him. It sounds like DCFS already suspects that she is doing this because you are pregnant, so the meeting should go well. If not is he has a lawyer get in touch with him. As far as how to be supportive, just communicate. Try not to let it get the best of you. Understand that she is doing this to get you upset. Don't let her get her way. Continue to be happy and strong.
Good luck, I know it's tough but be strong for you, your baby on the way, your DH and your SK. It benefits all of them for you to keep your cool and not let this get you worked up or upset.
As a SM with skids before your own children, it's a sacrifice you have to be willing to make as far as not getting the full glory of "glowing pregnancy" and (trying to put this the most accurate way I can) selfish entitlement most first time mothers are allowed. It's not to say that you're not allowed to have feelings like you have. I did at times. But you have to be willing to set them aside (and this will go on the rest of you and your biological child's life) to focus on both children and the blended family as a whole.
It just so happened for us that week we spent in the hospital when I had DS was the week things finally came crumbling down and DH had to take emergency custody of SD the night DS was born. He didn't even get to stay with me through our first night because he had to take SD to the emergency room. Yes, I did feel like our new son and I were getting a bit shorted, but then I remembered I already had a child to care for and that we had two children to worry about. I can't imagine how hard it was for DH to be torn between worrying over new DS (birth complications) and SD (even worse complications) at the same time.
Your feelings are natural, and I definitely understand them. We are creatures of biological attachment by nature and instinct. But we are also creatures of compassion, so for the moment, try to swallow your own feelings and just be there for DH. You do this for him, and he'll be there for you and DS and then you all can build a stronger, bigger family with SS.
We?ve been through a similar situation. SD8 left our house one weekend and then ended up in hospital b/c of asthma. I don?t know what set her off from our house. We have dogs, but they have tons of cats that stay inside and SOMETIMES use the litter boxes so....... Anyway, they did some blood work on her at the hospital and tests came back positive for marijuana (neither my H or myself smoke marijuana). Needless to say, my H had to go in for testing and they came to our house to inspect. It ended up being no big deal. Of course, he tested negative and our house was perfectly fine. BM and other SK?s had to be tested, too, but not me and not BM?s new husband, (thought that was odd).
I also think you need to document EVERYTHING! You could either e-mail or text and make sure you save ALL COMMUNICATION! We were having to do that and we also kept a calendar on our yahoo account about things said, did, or not done. Eventually, things blew over and everything is back to normal and everyone is civil to each other. I don?t know what caused the big uproar in the past, but it?s extremely difficult, but hang in there, it should get better. I think new BF?s and GF?s have a lot to do with these types of situations!
All of this!
Just an update: The meeting with DCFS went well and it only lasted about 10 minutes. The lady just asked DH what the medicine was called and what the dose was and if there was anyone who could verify that he gave him the meds. She also said that DH's son was questioned alone two separate times about the meds and the first time he said that he never took it and the next time he said he had taken it twice over the weekend. Basically the lady said with these answers it sounds like a 5 yr old boy that is either being coached or just is a 5 yr old boy that just doesn't really remember what happened. She said she had no worries and that the worst that would happen would be that he receives a letter saying he needs to make sure he gives him his meds.
PS. Thank you all for the comments. They were very helpful and although it is very hard to not be selfish about my husbands thoughts and time I have to realize that I married a man with a son and this is what goes along with it. I'm just so excited about having this baby and I want my husband to experience everything with me as well. It's hard knowing his attention needs to be elsewhere too. I know I'm not perfect and its hard for me. I'll admit it. It's just something I'm going to have to work on.