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August 2011 Moms
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Help At Home Post Delivery?
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What are your thoughts on having family, like your mother, stay with you to help out after baby is born? Both my mom and MIL are extremely overbearing and I don't think I could handle it but I know they will pretty much demand it. Don't get me wrong, I can lay down the law when needed, so I can tell them no.
Just wondering how helpful it is for first time moms like me? Experiences from those of you who already have a little one is especially appreciated. I want to hear the good, the bad, and the ugly. This will help me establish boundaries well in advance. Sad that I have to even say that...
Thanks so much!
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Re: Help At Home Post Delivery?
My younger (by 12 yrs) sister came to stay with us for a month a few days after we were home. I'm going to be dreadfully honest...
1) I needed help with housework, cooking, cleaning and laundry. When my mother/family came over, they would cook, leave a mess, hold the baby and leave. Awful!
2) I wanted to hold my baby. Everyone (family) would come over, hold the baby and leave. We'd have the tea/snack mess to clean up when they would leave.
3) My mother wanted to watch me breastfeed... wanted heck, she came in the room (even when I asked her not to) and would get so close I could feel her breath on my skin...and watch the baby nurse. She said it was such a beautiful moment. It was, for me, until she kept doing that!
My sister stayed with us and she did the laundry and the cleaning. She cleaned our kitchen all day long. She was a godsend. Some friends brought dinner...and it was a HUGE help. We're going to buy a small freezer and start freezing meals when we're close to the due date. Imagine being too tired to cook...and starving!
This time, we're flying my MIL over from Australia for a month. She is seriously helpful an I know she won't come in the bedroom when I am nursing. She does annoy me sometimes, but after having my sister help during that first month, I know we want that kind of help...especially with a 5yr old and newborn.
I think it depends on your Mom and MIL honestly. If they are the in-your-face kind of ladies, it may be worse. I found that my family's annoying habbits intensified when the baby was born. (Of course, that could have been my hormones too, lol)
Good luck.
Both of them live about 2 1/2 hours away. They will for sure come down to see us and stay in a hotel (I hope) when the baby is born so they can see it. So they'll at least be here 1-2 full days.
The other thing I didn't mention is that my mom and MIL are in competition with one another. If one gets asked to stay the other one will act as if her world is crumbling.
If your mom and MIL are overbearing, you're not going to want their help. Your post-partum hormones are going to be raging and if they get on your nerves now it'll only get worse. I flat out told my mom she couldn't come out after what happened last time.
And the baby sleeps so much I didn't need any help anyways. I just felt like my mom was someone I needed to entertain.
Our parents live pretty close to us. My mom came over everyday and helped cook and pick up and let me shower. I had an unplanned c-section, and even though I was annoyed at the thought at first I was so appreciative that she did. She came over everyday for like two weeks. Dh didnt have too much vaca time. He took two weeks of half days instead of one full week, it worked out better for us that way.
Mil sent some dinners home, she works full time and probably would have taken time off if we asked but we didnt.
Mommy's little helper
both my mom & mil came and stayed with us right after our twins were born. if i could have a do-over, we would NOT have allowed that AT ALL. it was awful! the anxiety of being a 1st time parent, being post-partum, and having 2 crazy grandma's there (who's way is ALWAYS the right way)...it was NOT a good situation.
dh & my mom had a heck of an argument and really, there are still hard feelings.
with this baby, we are not letting anyone stay over until well after we are all home and situated...i'm sure that will go over really well, but tough.
it's great if they want to see the baby, but either book a hotel for them or wait until you are settled into a routine to have houseguests.
good luck!!!
The first week or two are pretty easy. Its once the baby "wakes up" that you will want help. How long is your DH going to take off? It would be nice if you could time your help to come after your DH goes back to work. That way you have your family time just the 3 of you in the very beginning to bond and you have help after your DH is back at work.
I want to echo the pp about what others consider help. Be up front with your expectations. You want help with housework etc, not holding the baby. The whole point of having help is so that you can focus on the baby. It is infuriating to be putting dishes away, sweeping, etc. while your "help" is holding a peacefully sleeping baby. Make a list of what you would want help with and see if that is something they are willing to do.
This is going to be a hard one! My mom has already mentioned that she thought she would be coming and staying with us to help out. I know she would be a great help and would totally do all the cooking and cleaning, but I really like the thought of having some time for just the three of us to get used to everything. I think that's going to really hurt my mom though.... so I'm going back and forth. On the other hand, I feel like this is one time in my life when I deserve to be selfish. This is my first baby and you don't get a "do over."
I definitely don't want my MIL here for the first week. DH is taking two weeks off and I want him to be off work when she comes so he can "entertain" her, so I'm thinking maybe sometime during the second week.
www.cozylittlecave.com
Thanks Ladies!
In my mind I was thinking that I was possibly being a selfish brat for wanting our alone time with baby. Both moms have tried guilting me by saying how their moms stayed with them for a week+ after each baby. I am beginning to think that times they are a'changin!
DH and I are going to have a conversation with both of them, letting them know that while we appreciate their offers to help, we prefer to have this time alone. This, of course, doesn't mean they can't visit baby at the hospital or anything. They are more than welcome. We also plan on bring baby to see them for a long weekend during maternity leave. Then they can fuss and show them off at work and such.
We didn't have help stay after our first two, but H was able to take 3 weeks off of work. We are not planning on it this time either.
If you do have people come to help I recommend having them come after H/SO goes back to work. Set your boundries before they come and make sure you both know they are there to help with x,y,and z and not for you to entertain. I've found that setting expectations ahead of time really helps with the MIL.
My mother stayed with us for about a week and a half after DD was born. It was wonderful having her there. My DH was in medical school, so he didn't have much time to help out (poor guy had an exam just days after delivery). Mom being there gave me time to sleep and just made me feel more confident. That being said - I have a great relationship with my mom and am okay telling her when she needs to back off and let me do my thing. I think that was what made it really work. It could easily have been a different experience if my mother tried to take over. I know that when my MIL dropped by I would cringe. I would NEVER have let her stay with us - it would have made things more stressful. As it was I laid down strict boundaries on visiting to make sure I knew and could plan for her coming. She wasn't happy about it, but it's what I needed.
So, you need to figure out what would be best for you. Do they live close enough that you could schedule specific times for them to come over? That might help if they're not there all the time.
My mom is a smoker who I'm not even that close to. She will not be staying with us, even a night.
My MIL is completely overbearing and I dread the conversations. But, H is staying home at least the first two weeks, and I want that time alone with him. If his mom wants to come stay a couple days after he goes back to work, well...we can evaluate that when the time comes. But those first two weeks - I like the idea of it being just the three of us.
I've been pretty miffed that my SIL is talking about having her wedding on 9/10 (16 days after my EDD), but now I'm thinking how nice it would be that all my ILs would have that distraction and hopefully would leave us alone. I love them - I really really do. But yeah, I know it's not going to be fun to have to demand our alone time. Sucky.
Well, you guys are the first people that I'm actually telling my plans for this on lol...
MIL has been doing some MAJOR begging to be in the delivery room since DH's twin brother and wife recently had a baby & let her watch. I'm much more private when it comes to being in the hospital. Since she's acting so hurt about my decision, I think I may ask her if she wants to stay with us a few nights when we come home from the hospital. She didn't get to do this with her other grandchild. I think that this may help make up for some of the hard feelings. I'm having DH set up our extra bedroom furniture in our upstairs bonus room so that MIL we'll all have some of our home privacy when needed. She drives me crazy at time because she sometimes thinks that I'm trying to change her son, but I know she'll be on her best behavior when when it comes to her grandchild. I may also see if my mom wants to stay a few nights after DH goes back to work when I need some more help.
DH had maybe another day off after we got home but then it was just me. Luckily, we were staying in my parents "guest house" at the time, and it was SO NICE. Even if my mom just came and held DD and let me shower, made me something to eat, whatever.
The first 2 nights my mom helped me with 1 night feeding which was SO nice because I got no sleep in the hospital and was so tired. After that I was mostly on my own but your hormones might be a little crazy at that point, and IMO it's really nice to have someone. I would really only probably want my mom, but if my mom wasn't available I would welcome help from MIL.
My first week home it was just DH and I. Parents and IL's came to hospital.
The 2nd week my mom came to stay. My mom can get very overbearing and pushy but honestly, it was really nice to have her here. It was nice during the day when I need to sleep she would watch the baby.
The 3rd week my sister came to stay. My sister is like my BFF so it was awesome to have her.
My IL's live like 1/8 of a mile so they were here off and on and could help as needed.
As much as I wanted to think I didnt need help, it was wonderful to have someone doing the cooking and clean up so I could focus on the baby.
My mom was supposed to come stay with us the week after the baby was born. But, we pushed it back a week (the LC's recommendation due to jaundice and bf'ing issues we were having... plus stress.) I'm so glad we did.
Honestly, this time around, we are telling everyone that we will just be me and DH and our kids the first week again. Then, my mom will probably come the second week and MIL the third week.
It's important to us to have the alone time at home and get into a routine first before everyone comes over... lol. We have a really, really small house.
natural m/c and d&c at 10 weeks - 1/24/2014
DX w/ hetero C677t and A1298C MTHFR - 3/4/2014
When DD was born is was pretty much just me. DF didn't have any time off work, and even had to work 1/2 a day on the day we brought her home from the hospital. He then worked for the next 10 days straight.
We lived in a pretty small apartment then, so having guests was a no-no. My mom lives about 15 minutes away, DF's parents live about 45 minutes away. The only thing I'm going to ask from them is to occupy DD. That's how they'll be most helpful at that point. I'd much rather learn to do things on my own, without someone telling me whether I'm doing it right or wrong.
I'm a people pleaser too, however this is the time where you need to think of yourself. If you don't want them there, then don't have them there. It's your choice, and if they don't like it, then too bad. It's hard, I know, but stand your ground. GL!
My mom stayed with us for 2 weeks when DD was born and it was extremely helpful. She'll be doing the same with this baby. We definitely will be needing her more this time around since DD will have just turned 1, and I wont be able to pick her up due to the c/s!
My mom lives out of state, and isn't overbearing or anything like that...so I really enjoy having her there to help. And, she's a teacher so the timing was once again perfect since she'll be off for the summer.
No one will be staying with us, for several reasons:
1) I want to bond with LO and DH with no one else around.
2) I will be BF and I want to be able to wear what I want and not have to worry about dressing up when people drop by
3) We live in a small apartment in the city, so there is no room for anyone to stay with us.
4) If we let one family member drop by, they will all want to and we have A LOT of loud, strong willed family members and as much as I love them, that is a recipe for disaster.
To each their own, though. My friend had her mom stay with her and loved it!
I think my mom will be staying with us at some point (my parents are only an hour and a half away), but I'm not sure when. DH will be taking about two weeks off.
Thankfully my ILs live out of state, and they will NOT be staying with us at any point. We have a lot of family in the area, so when they come to visit, they will have other people to stay with/visit with too. The timing of their visit depends on when the baby decides to arrive...MIL is a teacher and it will be difficult for her to get time off at the beginning of the school year. They may come for Labor Day weekend.
BFP 12/10/10 - DD1 8/16/11
BFP 10/29/13 - c/p 11/2/13
BFP 11/29/13 - DD2 7/18/14
BFP 3/20/18 - DS1 due 12/2/18