mom please stop... (long)
i'm thinking about having what we in the south like to call a "come to jesus talk" with my mom. she has never been one to stick to my 3 year old daughters schedule (to say the least). everytime they keep her she gets mcdonalds (fine in moderation - but not all the time like they do), she never naps with them and they don't even offer to take her to the restroom when they're in a public place (so no potty - no hand-washing, nothing). today my mom left the house with my daughter (i was at work) and i couldn't reach for 2 hours. we honestly had no idea where they had gone. once when she was still in diapers they kept one on her for 7 hours straight. she has an amazing time with my parents - i guess because they never say no. but when she comes home after being with them she fights us like never before and it's really the only time she acts out of character. this usually ends up with me being upset at the situation and feeling helpless and out of control. the stress after they drop her off completely overshadows any good the alone time may have given me. i know grandparents will spoil (they're supposed to, right?) but she never behaves this way after my FIL or MIL keep her (they live apart). if i go more than a couple weeks between visits they demand to see her and then i feel like i have to lie about how much time she gets with her other grandparents.
now that we have another baby coming along i feel like this is going to be a vicious cycle. i know they won't be keeping the baby for a long time (just like i did with my daughter) but i don't think i can continue to let this go.
how can i address this? and should i even try to? anyone been here before?
forever missing our Lillian born at 20w5d 6/10/10
Re: mom please stop... (long)
The only things that would really bother me are going somewhere without being able to reach them for hours, and now the behavior you are seeing upon her return. Here's my suggestion on how to start that conversation...
"Mom, I can't tell you how much I love that X loves you guys so much. You're so special to her and we appreciate you so much for being awesome grandparents. Lately though we've been seeing a huge change in behavior when she comes home from your house now, and it's really difficult to deal with. We know that you guys love to spoil her & we're not asking you to stop completely but we've got to come to a happy medium/agreement on some things so that she's not coming home & acting like a complete terror. Here are some things I think would help:XXXXX. Do you have any suggestions? Also, I'd just like to ask that if you go anywhere with her for a long time, I really need to know & also be able to get in touch with you. (use your pregnancy here) I'm just finding myself really anxious now that I'm pg again about not being able to reach you." Then hopefully by the time the new baby comes, it will be a habit that they contact you. If not, you'll probably need to address this again. Good luck, that is hard but hopefully they'll hear you. If they don't, then that's when you need to play hardball & tell them that if things don't change, they can't take her as often because it's too disruptive for your family. But don't start there for sure!
Your mother is watching your DD while you are working? I would do one of two things.
1) Have the talk with her, but understand you're probably going to have to let a lot of things go.
2) Put your child in daycare.
Cam 6.6.10 - Autism, Global Developmental Delay, Mixed Receptive/Expressive Communication Disorder
this.
I'm just a lurker on this board, but I have a 4yo SD and a 14mo DS.
Up until this past summer when I had the opportunity to be a SAHM for the summer (I work during the school year at a university), SD's sitter had always been a family member. More often than not, it was DH's grandmother or my MIL. Both of them spoil her relentlessly and have/had no rules. MIL has changed her behavior in the last year, and things are not so bad. DH has been trying to get her to follow his parenting rules since SD was born, but she never really took a step back and allowed him to parent in her presence until I came into the picture.
DH's grandmother, on the other hand... You could talk and talk and talk to her all the time, but her response was always the same: "That baby has too many bosses. My baby gets what my baby wants, and you leave us alone about it." Until last summer, we didn't really have any other choice besides letting it go. But SD's behavior was soooooo horrid at the end of our work day. I dreaded getting off work just because I knew what fights would be waiting for us when we got home.
The only way we were able to correct the behavioral problems were to stop DH's grandmother from keeping SD. They visited together plenty, but she has not babysat since last spring (and I hate to say it but her declining health has made it easier for us to keep her from babysitting). And it took all summer long to get things sorted out. Now SD is in preschool, DS goes to a baby sitter outside the family, and DH and I have managed to adjust our work schedules so that someone can always drop off/pick up the kids on time.
Granted, we still allow everyone grandparents' privilege to spoil, but if they don't follow our rules, we go home and they don't see the kids until we think they're ready. Harsh and we hate it that way, but it worked with MIL and FIL (they are split, too).