Intrusive thoughts.....

Crazysparkles · February 2011

On May 28, 2009 I deliverd a stillbirth. Everything happened so fast I tried to block most of it out. Since then I have been living in this fear of dieing or I read stories of things people have done and worry I will turn into that. I just dont know how to get my thoughts under control. It could be the most stupidist thing and I think Im going to turn into that. I just had a little boy 4 months ago and just the other day I read a story about a pedofile.......i was so disgusted...but then there goes my mind...thinking how did that person become that? I let my little one lay on me all the time or i steal all his kisses does that mean I will turn into one too? Or the mom who was so obbsessed with her son and she killed his wife(lifetime movie) will that be me. When Im not thinking of crazyness I worry that I have some illness. I never had any of these issues until I lost my little boy last year Do you think I have too much time on my hands. I dont want any of you to think I would ever do anything to my son, thats not going to happen I dont have feeling for him in that way and I DO know right from wrong and thats disgusting. I just have crazy thoughts that I dont want to have. Its to the point that I think I freak my self out that I get butterflies everytime i get near him and then i turn those butterflies into getting in the mood. and I freak out. The only thing that keeps me going is the fact that I get those feeling everytime i think about the pedophile stuff no matter if my son is there or not so thats what makes me think it has nothing to do with him. It got so bad that I didnt want to hold him or even take him a bath. The other day I read something about someone being with a teenager and there goes my mind thinking if I ever thoguht abotu myself being with someone that was younger than me. Im coming here for support as I dont know anyone else that has had these thoughts before.

Please dont pass judgement or think that I am a bad person...thanks

If you dont feel comfortable about posting a reply on here then PMAN.

pug86 · February 2011

Please know that my prayers go out to you...I cannot imagine the pain of a still birth. (I want to give you a big hug!) However, I had postpartum depression and a history of anxiety/panic attacks. But I'm currently well.

#1 - It sounds like part of what is happening is that you have some unresolved PTSD going on from your 1st. (post traumatic stress disorder).

#2 - There is also an anxiety/OCD disorder sounds exactly what you are describing. (and I'm sorry, I cannot remember its name.) I work with a teen who has it. She has fears that she will become the worst of things, because "after all, who says I want to do/be something bad...maybe I'm on that path and don't realize it." With her a lot of it is about "sin". But the thoughts are twisted, sometimes out of control.

Do not be embarrassed. And I need to mention I'm not a professional, but I've read a ton because of my history and have counseled a lot of other women. Please please please... help yourself (in turn, helping your sweet boy) and ask your doctor to recommend a psychiatrist that will counsel you AND prescribe the proper medication. MANY of us have to do this. You are not alone.

If you can't afford a psych., your regular doctor can prescribe you anti-anxiety meds. It is SOOO common post-pregnancy. But my concern more importantly is that you find some counseling or group therapy (some hospitals offer this!) to help you work through your loss.

God bless you and I'll pray God sends you the right people to help you!

jenny1980 · February 2011

This is post partum obsessive compulsive disorder. I was diagnosed with it when DD was a couple months old. You don't need to have "compulsions" like excessive cleaning to have OCD--many people simply have the intrusive, disturbing, repetitive thoughts. It's actually much more common than you'd think. (Worrying about becoming a pedophile is actually such a common theme that it has been termed P-OCD).

The best thing to do is reach out to your doctor and ask for a referral to a psychiatrist. I was diagnosed in February last year and put on Zoloft and started Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. By summer I was a million times better and now I'm the happiest I've been.

There's hope. You don't need to live like this.

Check out these books:

Imp of the Mind

Dropping the Baby and Other Scary Thoughts

Overcoming Obsessive Thoughts: Take Control of Your OCD

stuckinadoorway.com is a very helpful website as well.

Really, though, the most important thing is to get proper mental health care. It's extremely treatable.

For the time being, please know that you're not alone and having these thoughts does NOT make you a bad person. And don't try to "fight" the thoughts--just let them drift in and out the best you can. The harder you fight against them, the stronger message your brain is receiving that they are things to fear, which perpetuates the cycle of anxiety.

Email me at lucyandhugo@gmail.com if you want to chat more. :-)

Hugs mama! All will be well.

blondek8 · February 2011

I would be shocked if anyone on this particular board dared pass judgement about your story. I don't have much advice other than you need to seek out some sort of help. You can start feeling better/normal again. You've been through quite a bit of trauma in the last few years. I hope you can get some help and start feeling better soon. Good luck! ::hugs::

mamaoftwingirls · February 2011

You are not alone!! I'm sorry to say this, but I'm glad I just read this!!!! I have been having the exact same feelings. It scares the SH** out of me!!!! I don't know If It has something to do with trying to wean of my ppd meds..but I have gone back up to the does to where I felt more like myself.

ronitoswife · February 2011

I went through this with my first son. It's so nice to know I wasn't the only one. I know how terrifying it can be and sometimes still is. I became very sensitive to the news and other shows because I was afraid that it would rub off on me or affect me in some way and I would act upon it. I became afraid of myself essentially. When ever I would cut up a vegetable or something I would immediately throw the knife into the sink because I was afraid of myself snapping. I know that's not who I am and that I would never do anything like that, it's just terrifying and disturbing that those thoughts are even there. I do agree that the more you fight them the stronger the fear and anxiety becomes. I'm still trying to figure out how to let them just go, I know it will help me to feel better when I can. I did seek out treatment with a therapist and started some meds which helped with depression and anxiety. I still had anxiety but I felt more in control on the meds. I had my second son 11 days ago and this time I expected to go through PPD and anxiety like before. I wasn't prepared for it to start so soon( with my first son it was 7 months). One thong I remember my therapist saying to me over and over is to talk with other moms out there and you'll find that you are not alone and that you are not a bad person or a mom for going through this. I know it's hard to believe this right now, I still have a hard time believing it, but you are not a bad mom and wanting to talk to others about it is a good thing. Good luck!

Crazysparkles · February 2011

I wanted to thank you all for responding. It does make me feel better to know that I am not the only one. You just start to feel so alone. Its like a bog war thats going on in your brain. One thought is bad and the other is trying to assure you that your ok and that its just some form of OCD. Its so weird how you can be fine one day and the next your life is turned upside down.....I am here as well if you guys ever want to chat.

Quin

Krazy sparklez @ Gmail.com (no spaces)

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