I'm so tired of fighting

annemariehuot · February 2011

I just need to get this out...

I feel like all my husband and I do is fight. All the warmth and joy seem to have been sucked out.We wanted this pregnancy so badly and tried so hard, for so long. I thought that this would be a happy,anxious time not an angry, anxious time. I'm scared my relationship won't survive all of this. I love my husband with all my heart but I cant take all the fighting. I honestly don't know what to do.

Sorry, i just don't know where to turn and needed to get this off my chest. I am so tired of crying!

Bakes4u · February 2011

What are you fighting about?

annemariehuot · February 2011

anything and everything. From mundane things like why the house is messy to more serious issues like money and responsibility!

Edit: We just aren't seeing eye to eye on anything. There is no one REAL issue, we just cant get along. Every little thing turns into a fight... If one of us feels a little anxious about something we take it out on the other person.

kck329 · February 2011

Have you guys done anything fun together lately? I know it helps us a lot if we take "time off' from talking about the baby, responsibilities, etc and just have a fun dinner or something together. Then it makes the rest seem bearable.

I also find we are better at talking about big things if we have some warning. Like "tonight after work, can we make a plan about how to deal with xxxx?" so we both have time to think about what we want before sharing. Maybe that would help?

pinkpear · February 2011

I'm so sorry to hear this. Have you tried saying exactly this to your DH? Telling him you are tired of fighting and you don't know why you keep fighting. Hear what he has to say and how he feels about it. You have a lot of changes ahead and maybe the stress is weighing on both of you.

Vent away here if you need to!

Bakes4u · February 2011

Also maybe think about talking to a marriage councilor?? Sometimes we just need a few tools to help communicate better. I know therapists can help greatly in giving you communication tools. Also I would def. address this sooner than later when the baby arrives you will face a whole new world of stressors and you and your partner need to be able to effectively communicate about these things so you are not fighting all the time.

annemariehuot · February 2011

kck329:
Have you guys done anything fun together lately? I know it helps us a lot if we take "time off' from talking about the baby, responsibilities, etc and just have a fun dinner or something together. Then it makes the rest seem bearable.
I also find we are better at talking about big things if we have some warning. Like "tonight after work, can we make a plan about how to deal with xxxx?" so we both have time to think about what we want before sharing. Maybe that would help?

We have tried to do fun stuff but it always takes a turn! Our car died and we are waiting until spring to replace it (after we move) with all the crappy weather we have had we have been stuck in the house a lot more, well i have... he has been working extra hours lately. Every time i say something like "tonight lets discuss XYZ it starts something and he gets all aggravated with me for not wanting to discuss it wight away.

I think maybe i will try to get him to get a weekend off of work and book a night in a hotel and set up a little getaway for us. I think we really do need to just get some time off from all the "real life" stuff and reconnect as just us!

thank you listening and for the helpful advice. Sometimes we don't see what we really need when we are right in it!

annemariehuot · February 2011

pinkpear:
I'm so sorry to hear this. Have you tried saying exactly this to your DH? Telling him you are tired of fighting and you don't know why you keep fighting. Hear what he has to say and how he feels about it. You have a lot of changes ahead and maybe the stress is weighing on both of you.

Vent away here if you need to!

we both keep telling each other that we are so tired of fighting we have had some really good open and honest conversations where i think "okay things are going to get better" and then a day later we are back in the same stupid cycle! Thanks for listening! It feels good to just get it out and admit it instead of pretending like everything is hunky-dory!

annemariehuot · February 2011

bakes4u:
Also maybe think about talking to a marriage councilor?? Sometimes we just need a few tools to help communicate better. I know therapists can help greatly in giving you communication tools. Also I would def. address this sooner than later when the baby arrives you will face a whole new world of stressors and you and your partner need to be able to effectively communicate about these things so you are not fighting all the time.

I have brought up the idea of marriage counseling to my husband a few times and he feels like this is all "just stress". I think he is too proud to admit we need help. These issues have been around for a few months and i have read books and articles about different ways of handling it and have passed them on to him. he reads it and that's about it. I don't know how to convince him to go to a counselor. I am MORE than open to the idea. Today, after a text message argument he called and apologized and said that he is going to go to the book store and choose some books for himself on relationships and becoming a father. He has read things i have given him...I'm hoping that this may start opening the door to the whole help idea. I am really concerned about how thing will go once LO is here. I won't be like my parents and fight in front of my kids, I just won't. He knows that. If it doesn't get better i think i might book some counseling for myself and see what help i can get for myself within our relationship, and maybe that will change his mind... I don't know what to do!

Thank you for listening!

pinkpear · February 2011

annemariehuot:

bakes4u:
Also maybe think about talking to a marriage councilor?? Sometimes we just need a few tools to help communicate better. I know therapists can help greatly in giving you communication tools. Also I would def. address this sooner than later when the baby arrives you will face a whole new world of stressors and you and your partner need to be able to effectively communicate about these things so you are not fighting all the time.

I have brought up the idea of marriage counseling to my husband a few times and he feels like this is all "just stress". I think he is too proud to admit we need help. These issues have been around for a few months and i have read books and articles about different ways of handling it and have passed them on to him. he reads it and that's about it. I don't know how to convince him to go to a counselor. I am MORE than open to the idea. Today, after a text message argument he called and apologized and said that he is going to go to the book store and choose some books for himself on relationships and becoming a father. He has read things i have given him...I'm hoping that this may start opening the door to the whole help idea. I am really concerned about how thing will go once LO is here. I won't be like my parents and fight in front of my kids, I just won't. He knows that. If it doesn't get better i think i might book some counseling for myself and see what help i can get for myself within our relationship, and maybe that will change his mind... I don't know what to do!

Thank you for listening!

I don't know if you are connected with a church or not. It sounds like he isn't interested in seeing a counselor and I can understand that because the thought scares some people. If you have a church home is there a pastor or someone there you can talk to together? If you have a good relationship with a church it might not be as scary of a step for you guys to take together. Having worked in a church I can tell you that most trained church workers have been trained to do a little bit of marriage counseling. We don't have a ton of training like counselors but it is a good start and for some couples it is just the boost their marriage needs.

I'm not jumping down your throat or saying that you are in the wrong at all but maybe watch your reaction when a fight starts. It sounds like you both realize what is going on and neither of you want to fight. Perhaps if you notice a discussion moving to a fight you can step back and calmly say "Dang it, we are starting to fight again and neither one of wants that. Let's take 5 and come back to this conversation."

When DH and I were going through IF there was a week where one of us would say the sky is blue and the other would have to fight them over it. Everything was a fight. It finally took us stepping back when a fight was just starting and both of saying that we didn't want to go down that route.

Good for you for seeing the problem and wanting to deal with it! That shows that your marriage is a priority for you!

annemariehuot · February 2011

pinkpear:
I don't know if you are connected with a church or not. It sounds like he isn't interested in seeing a counselor and I can understand that because the thought scares some people. If you have a church home is there a pastor or someone there you can talk to together? If you have a good relationship with a church it might not be as scary of a step for you guys to take together. Having worked in a church I can tell you that most trained church workers have been trained to do a little bit of marriage counseling. We don't have a ton of training like counselors but it is a good start and for some couples it is just the boost their marriage needs.

I'm not jumping down your throat or saying that you are in the wrong at all but maybe watch your reaction when a fight starts. It sounds like you both realize what is going on and neither of you want to fight. Perhaps if you notice a discussion moving to a fight you can step back and calmly say "Dang it, we are starting to fight again and neither one of wants that. Let's take 5 and come back to this conversation."

When DH and I were going through IF there was a week where one of us would say the sky is blue and the other would have to fight them over it. Everything was a fight. It finally took us stepping back when a fight was just starting and both of saying that we didn't want to go down that route.

Good for you for seeing the problem and wanting to deal with it! That shows that your marriage is a priority for you!

unfortunately we are not affiliated with a church or any other religious institution. I agree it would be a less scary or dramatic approach. I have been trying really hard to step back and watch how i react. I know i am being over sensitive at times and have really been trying to be aware. My DH has a hard time stepping back and taking a breath... He just called and told me he bought "anger management for dummies"... I think we might be moving i the right direction. I'm hoping that once we move and get our new car he will be less stressed about external factors and will be able to consider the internal and that before LO comes we will be able to get in to see someone to give us some tools at least once or twice. if not i will go alone and get some tools on my end at least! Thank you for taking the time to listen to me and give help!

pinkpear · February 2011

Oh sweetie- a baby, a move, a new car. Major life changes. You both have a ton on your plate! I sense calmer waters ahead!

annemariehuot · February 2011

pinkpear:
Oh sweetie- a baby, a move, a new car. Major life changes. You both have a ton on your plate! I sense calmer waters ahead!

Yah, we have a lot going on!!! I just want to make sure we make it through it together! He is the love of my life and it scares me that we aren't happy! Thank you! By the end of March we will be moved and have a new car... I'm really hoping things ease up!

jessicaA27 · February 2011

You guys are going through a lot of changes right now! I remember each time my dh and I would go through just one of those things (moving, buying a new car, our first baby) we would fight some because we were so stressed out over it. Hopefully you both are just stressed over all the major changes coming your way, and things will get better after everything settles down some.

annemariehuot · February 2011

jessicaA27:
You guys are going through a lot of changes right now! I remember each time my dh and I would go through just one of those things (moving, buying a new car, our first baby) we would fight some because we were so stressed out over it. Hopefully you both are just stressed over all the major changes coming your way, and things will get better after everything settles down some.

Thank you! I'm hoping that it will make us stronger and not tear us apart! It's good to hear we aren't the only ones. Sometimes i feel like everyone around me is living in puppy and rainbow town!

robbi123 · February 2011

You are definitely not the only one. We aren't fighting too bad now but when we bought our house it was like WW3 for awhile. These are huge life stressors and as long as you are both conscious and trying to make it work I think you are going to be fine! Also, you mentioned going to therapy by yourself and I think that's a great idea. I actually been thinking the same thing myself. My DH would never go with me either unless it was a last resort.

annemariehuot · February 2011

robbi123:
You are definitely not the only one. We aren't fighting too bad now but when we bought our house it was like WW3 for awhile. These are huge life stressors and as long as you are both conscious and trying to make it work I think you are going to be fine! Also, you mentioned going to therapy by yourself and I think that's a great idea. I actually been thinking the same thing myself. My DH would never go with me either unless it was a last resort.

thank you! How long after all was said and done with buying your home did things settle down?

robbi123 · February 2011

annemariehuot:

robbi123:
You are definitely not the only one. We aren't fighting too bad now but when we bought our house it was like WW3 for awhile. These are huge life stressors and as long as you are both conscious and trying to make it work I think you are going to be fine! Also, you mentioned going to therapy by yourself and I think that's a great idea. I actually been thinking the same thing myself. My DH would never go with me either unless it was a last resort.

thank you! How long after all was said and done with buying your home did things settle down?

Probably a couple weeks. I think once my MIL left...lol! God, the closing was awful. Our loan agent got fired 3 days before our estimated closing date and I was so stressed I was yelling at people in the grocery store! Once we finally moved in and it was just the two of us, we were able to relax and get back into our routine.

katiebeck3 · February 2011

I know how you feel! I have never felt so alone in my entire life. Whoever said this is something you go through together should be smacked! I love my husband more than anything in this world, but i feel like ever since I fould out im pregnant, he's been so busy "getting it all out of his system" that he's completely forgotten that this is also affecting, i dont know....ME!!!! He get's me everything I want & need, shovels, and makes sure everything is safe, so I really can't complain. But he doesn't understand how tired I am. Doesn't understand how sore I am from work (40 hours a week on my feet). Doesn't understand that going to parties, bars (non smoking), weekends away with friends (who dont have children or arent even married) just are not fun! So what happens? He goes, and I end up ALONE. I trust him completely so that's not an issue. Sometimes it's just so hard. When i try talking about it, im just emotional, hormonal, and pregnant.

I feel you completely! I hope it gets better for you!

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