How old is too old to have a baby?

KateLouise · February 2011

Or rather what is too old for you?

I know no one can make this decision for me, but DH and are talking about the size of our family and spacings between children.

My mother had me at 39 so I've always been reasonably relaxed about the idea of being an older Mum, but I am starting to get anxious about the increase in various risks with being an older Mum. Although my pregnancy and birth, at 32, with LO was problem free.

You see a lot of talk about being a "young" Mum but not so much the other end of the spectrum. So I'm curious how other people feel about "how old is too old" and why? Health reasons? Social reasons? Financial reasons?

ilovemygirls · February 2011

I think that is going to be so different for each person. I was an "older" mom- my first born at 34 and second at almost 37. I had a m/c in between them & I told myself that if we had trouble getting pg, that I wouldn't try past 39. Then I thought we were done- having never talked about a 3rd- and my husband tried to convince me to have a 3rd at 39. I just couldn't do it. #1 being that 2 is enough for me and I'm the one that 'manages' them the majority of the time and #2 being the risks involved as you get older, mostly re: health of the baby, not so much myself as I am very active/healthy.

However, maybe I would have kept trying if I had hit 39 & still didn't have my #2. Maybe I would have tried much longer. Some people don't meet their partner until 40 and then if they want a child, they might try longer than they ever thought. It's all relative, for sure! Good luck in making your decision!

Married2003 · February 2011

I'm 41 with a 10 month and we plan for #2.

JenniferJaneC · February 2011

I think it depends on the person.

I had Jack, my first and only, at 33. I'd like more and I don't foresee problems.

My mom had me, her last and third, at 36. She was an old 36. She was always too tired to play with me or be bothered to do much of anything. But she had and still does live a rough life and never took care of herself. I think lifestyle and health is a big influence on that question.

Married2003 · February 2011

JenniferJaneC:
I think it depends on the person.
I had Jack, my first and only, at 33. I'd like more and I don't foresee problems.
My mom had me, her last and third, at 36. She was an old 36. She was always too tired to play with me or be bothered to do much of anything. But she had and still does live a rough life and never took care of herself. I think lifestyle and health is a big influence on that question.

I agree. It depends on the person. I maybe an older mother but I don't see myself slowing down anytime soon. As-a-matter of fact my son is the motivation that gives me the energy.

StrawberryAlarmClock · February 2011

For the pregnancy: when your body is unable to carry safely (that's certainly not 39 or even 49, probably not even 59). What the bigger concern would be is how old is too old to be a parent? Many people have kids in their 70s (men, that is...to women who have not gone through menopause yet). I think "too old to be a parent" is more about health, though. And luck. You never know what life has in store for you. That said, you can't go through life without your definition of a complete family in the off-chance you'd be too feeble to care for LO. Now...all that rambling has nil to do with you because you are, in my opinion, young and healthy-looking (siggy pic). Baby dust to you, Mama!!

americanada · February 2011

i'm 40 w/an 11 mo old and may still have another. i don't want to have a baby past 42, but that's just me. it has to be what's in your comfort zone for your own body. i don't think older than 42 is bad, but for my particular situation, i put that 'deadline' on it. although, perhaps i'll change my mind if the option is still available and we have not TTC by then.

kwinters87 · February 2011

For me, 35 is the limit. My mother had my youngest sister at 36 and it was quite a bit harder on her than her other pregnancies. Since I have a similar build and my pregnancy was similar to her first 3 it's a pretty safe bet that after 35 would not be ideal for me.

lkstor · February 2011

35 for me. Just based on statistics.

hst · February 2011

Too old to me means, too old to conceive. I think your body tells you when you are too old. I am 35 now, I wouldn't wait till 40 to try again, but if I did get pregnant at 40 that means you are healthy enough to get pregnant.

beccer · February 2011

Personally I wanted to be done with the baby making by 30. (I'm 26 and we are one and done).
I had a sort of miserable pregnancy (nothing serious, just really bad sciatica and throwing up for 40 weeks) and I can't imagine going through that when older.
I just always liked the idea of being a young parent, but I in no means think 40 is too old. Heck, my dad's 55 year old friend from high school just had a baby. I think it's great, I just know I couldn't personally do it.

kacelle · February 2011

It really depends on the parents' lifestyle. If they're exercising, eating healthily, and doing everything that they can to stay in good physical condition for their child's sake, they could probably raise a child at a later age much more easily than could an older couple living an unhealthy lifestyle.

In my opinion, you're too old to have a baby if you likely won't be able to care for your child until they are at least 18. If your teenager has to care for you because of extremely poor health due to old age, I'd say that's a problem.

horizon1322 · February 2011

I don't think there is a definitive "too old." It obviously varies from person to person. My mom had me when she was 38, and I don't think she was anywhere near too old. I hope to be done having kids by 30, but that has more to do with spacing of kids and number of kids than thinking I would be too old. If a mom wants to have kids up until menopause and has the ability to care for them, more power to her!

waterfly · February 2011

When we started talking about it, we said we wanted 2-3, and wanted to be done by the time we're 35. Not so much because we didn't feel we could do it after that, as just...I'm high-risk(clotting disorder with a history of clots), and the older I get the riskier it can be. After the first couple months of this pregnancy, I told DH that I could maybe go through the shots and everything else one more time, but that was it. Overall, we've had no major health concerns(the clotting thing seems to be more under control than ever, actually), but it's been rough enough on me that now we're saying #2 is only a maybe, and we'd both be ok with only one(DH mentioned a "maybe 2" again this morning, and when I asked if that meant he was still wanting more, he said no, because he didn't want to put me through all this again). If we do try for another, it'll be in about 2-3 years, so we'll still both be under 35.

Jelliebean1982 · February 2011

For me once I pass 45 I think I'd be too old. We'd like 3-4 kids, all spaced out around 4 years apart. The reasoning is that we both work and would only like one baby to deal with at a time. I'd be comfortable having a child in my early 40's (as in CA it seems to be the norm) but I think by that time our family will be complete. I will turn 29 right after this baby is born, so even if we decide to go for #4 I'll only be in my late 30's.

superMiller · February 2011

I always thought I wanted to be a "young" mom. My mom was 20 when she had me. We were always close and she was fun and always the "pretty" mom. The universe had other plans for me. I married and divorced without so much as a pregnancy "scare." Remarried at 32 and had my first this past November at 34. My FIL teases us about being "old parents" because his first was born when he was 19. For the record, FIL was a horrible parent - cheated on his wife with 2 under 5 yo and one on the way. Left her to raise 3 kids alone...you get the pic. So basically, that whole "young parent" theory of his didn't hold any water (in his case, anyway.)

Once I started thinking about it, I am the ONLY person in my circle of friends who even has a baby. And only one other woman is married. So basically, the idea that we should have our kids young and get it over with is pretty much out the window. As long as you have the will, the physical ability, and the means, I say go for it! Any child that's wanted and loved won't care how old his/her parents are

Linnya · February 2011

I was 32 when I had DS#1 and 34 when I had DS#2. I am now 35 and we plan to try for #3 in the fall. Both pregnancies were healthy, with no problems. My second birth was an awesome, empowering experience and I recovered quickly.

DH and I were just talking about how we are sure we want to try for another baby. I don't feel "done". I'm not sure how late it too late for me. I've been lucky in getting pregnant quickly both times. If that doesn't happen next time I'd be willing to go to 37, I think. I guess I'd need to reevaluate every few months of TTC...

butterflygirl2271 · February 2011

Well, I have been on both sides of the spectrum. LOL! I was a mom at 18 and was raising my son alone. Now I am remarried and having my 5th at 40. My husband in considerably younger than me. I would like to have more children and will do so as long as I am healthy. Also, as long as my pregnancies are easy and without risk. It is a bit harder on your body physically when you are older.

jen5-03 · February 2011

I always planned to be done in my 20s!! My mom was 28 when she had me and I didn't want to be an "old mom" like her. Well, I got married at 28, IF issues, had DD just shy of 33. DS at 35. Haha, joke's on me! But I have since figured out that my mom probably would have been an "old mom" even if she had me at 20. She's just a curmudgeon and always has been.

Most likely I am done because we are not paying for IF treatments again. But if lightening should strike and I got pg now at 36 or even at 40 or 42 I'd be thrilled. DH would be ok with it now, but probably not in 4-5 years (he's 40 now and he has a 16yo, so he'd like to be done "while he's still alive" because his dad did not live to 50).

daenikoffre · February 2011

FI's parents are in their 70s. We are 25. He says he never really noticed it growing up that they were "the old parents", but now.. we feel we're a bit young to have to take on the responsibility of going over their wills, researching assisted living facilities and dealing with their investments while still looking for our first home and starting our family.

So, it's not just about babies.. it's about the kids and their entire lives, too.

& fwiw, My goal is "done with diapers by 30" because I want to have a life with my kids. Not have a life and then have kids. Which is a personal choice that some people [older moms I know] don't understand and often comment on how sad it is that I didn't "get to travel" first, when in fact, we're headed to Eastern Europe this summer WITH our baby. This is the life we want and are fortunate enough to be able to attain, and I only wish that much for every momma.

wifeandmama · February 2011

For ME - 30. I had my first at 23 and just don't want to prolong the pregnancy/baby thing foreverrrrrr.

teamsweet · February 2011

My grandmother had my mom at 37 and my mom adopted me at 28 and gave birth to her youngest at 33- so I never wanted to have children before 30. I think for those people who have been married for a number of years, in their chosen professions etc, it feels natural to have children and that could happen at 25 or 45 depending on your career, your partner and just dumb luck. I don't anyone is too old to be a parent, but I do think that no longer being able to get pregnant is a sign that one's body shouldn't.

akl0506 · February 2011

totally depends on the person, of course. but, i would prefer to be done with child-bearing at 36-38.

brideofaussie · February 2011

My mom had me at 38 and my sister at 44 so I don't worry about age too much.

Financially usually older people are more stable and better off.

socially? i don't worry about this either. Now I have friends much older and younger than me.

is 35 "older"? Maybe. does that deter me from having a child later in life? absolutely not. i don't think i would want to try for a child past 40 but that is just me.

HannaB · February 2011

My goal is "done with diapers by 30" because I want to have a life with my kids. Not have a life and then have kids. Which is a personal choice that some people [older moms I know] don't understand and often comment on how sad it is that I didn't "get to travel" first, when in fact, we're headed to Eastern Europe this summer WITH our baby. This is the life we want and are fortunate enough to be able to attain, and I only wish that much for every momma.

I think this is very well stated, and I totally agree.

A lot of times I get jealous over people who met their spouses in college and got married and had kids early, because sometimes I feel ooooooold. (I'm 34 but IF and related-depression took a toll on me physically and am not in near the shape I was at even just 31.)

But then I remind myself that it's okay to be "old" parents, because both my husband and I were able to do a lot in our single 20s, and while I would totally take a kid to Europe, I don't feel like I have to. (Though I would like to, b/c I don't think anyone is ever "done" traveling!)

A coworker is only 2 years older than my husband (he is 39) and her kids are all in HS. Sometimes I can see her physically shudder when I talk about getting up at 3:30 am and diapers et al. It is weird to think he has classmates who have kids in college or are already grandparents (true story), but he also still has plenty of friends with small kids, so we don't feel like total weirdos.

But the fact is, I wasn't ready for marriage OR motherhood in my 20s. I was a mess! I have a good friend who is pregnant with #2 right now at 25 and she amazes me. That was not me.

We'd like a few more kids, however they come to us, but I probably would like to be "done" by 40, as my husband will be 45 by then.

And anecdotally, my FIL had my husband at 21 and my BIL at 40 and even he would tell you he was a MUCH better father at 40 than he was at 21. But there were lots of factors at play there other than just age. (And it's been helpful for us to see them as late 50somethings/60something sending a kid off to college etc., because that will be us!)

Married2MrWright · February 2011

I personally would like to be done by the time I am 40. DD just turned 1 and I will be 37 in November. We will TTC#2 this summer in hope of having a Spring or Summer 2012 baby. If that happens I'll be 37.5 when baby #2 is born (I was 34 when I got pg with DD and 35 when she was born).

We're fairly certain we just want two, but should we decide we want a third I'd still have time to have one more before I am 40. I have friends who are having babies past the age of 40, but they do complain of being more tired, in general and worried about retirement and having college-age kids, etc. For me, I think 40 will be the line for us..especially since DH is 3 years yonger than me...I don't want to be nearly 60 and have high schoolers at home!

FWIW, my mom was 19 when she had me and I remember her when she was the age I am now...I was 16 and driving and very independent. It blows me away that I am running after a toddler and she had a teen! My twin brother has a 12 and 8 year old and always wondered when I've give them cousins to play with...I replied that when they were old enough to babysit, I'd start having kids!

ChristinaMT4 · March 2011

I would like to have one more baby and I hope that happens before I turn 40 (I'm 35 now). But I would be okay up until age 45, as long as I were still in relatively good health.

I had my first baby at 24. I feel like I've become a better mom with age. I think that's relative though, I know some amazing moms who had their kids when they were much younger than I.

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