Issue with neighbor kids - how to handle?

ScoobyM · February 2011

I have been trying to figure out how to raise this with my neighbor for a couple weeks now. The people next door have 4 year old boy/girl twins and Ellie loves to play with them. They used to have a nanny, and they would play at both our house and theirs with both their nanny and ours in attendance and supervising. Their nanny quit last fall and now their Grandpa watches them during the day.

The twins have begun showing up unannounced and unaccompanied at our house. They are a bit of a handful in my opinion; they fight a lot and when things don't go their way they storm back home and my nanny has to chase after them to make sure they get home safely, and half the time they come back in a few minutes and the whole thing starts again. I have felt uncomfortable with this because 1. My nanny can't leave the three older kids alone while she is say, putting Noah down for his nap - she can do this with Ellie alone but none of us trust the three of them together. And 2. It isn't my nanny's job to babysit these two other kids.

Today was the last straw - the little girl has come over here and rung our doorbell at least 4 times today including while Ellie was napping, and this morning she got upset that my nanny wouldn't take her along when she took Ellie out to the bounce house place they go to each Friday. She actually went home and came back with her Grandpa and my nanny told me she thought he actually did expect her to take the little girl; I did not hear the conversation but my nanny said when she explained she did not have a carseat for her and couldn't take her, the Grandpa told her, "She says no, honey," and when the little girl asked why, he said, "I don't know." Seriously??

I know I need to go talk to the mom, who we privately think has no idea this is going on. I don't want to alienate them as we will be neighbors for a long time and my DD does love playing with these kids. I was thinking that I would just ask that they call before coming over to make sure it is a convenient time, given that my nanny is watching an infant in addition to my DD and has to maintain a routine, etc. That will give my nanny a chance to tell them no if she needs to. I would actually like to tell her that I am not paying for my nanny to watch her children several times a week and maybe she ought to consider paying for someone who will actually pay attention to them, but I know that wouldn't be very diplomatic! Any suggestions for how to handle this?

For what it's worth, my nanny has said she doesn't mind when they come sometimes (like maybe once a week) because it makes my DD happy, but I also know she is too sweet to tell them no when they show up at the door and I don't want her to be taken advantage of - AND I don't want to lose her. She did say if they called first that would help, which is why I was going to take that approach.

stever · February 2011

Ick! Sounds like the grandpa is trying to take advantage of your nanny. I'd talk to the mom about your once a week rule and tell her to either get another nanny or lay some ground rules for Grandpa.

daisydana · February 2011

ScoobyM:
I was thinking that I would just ask that they call before coming over to make sure it is a convenient time, given that my nanny is watching an infant in addition to my DD and has to maintain a routine, etc. That will give my nanny a chance to tell them no if she needs to.

This is perfectly worded. If you stick along these lines, how could she not understand? If she wants an example, I would go into further details. Try to keep it polite (unless she doesn't get it and gets a little funny).

KirstieC · February 2011

I agree with the PP's. Stay on the polite side of things and implementing the "call before coming over" rule will work great. I might also suggest when the twins come over to play that Grandpa comes over as well to help supervise. Politely explain that watching 3 kids plus an infant is a big undertaking for one person to handle alone. Although, I'm sure your nanny is quite capable of watching 4 children, it might be a relief for her to have some help from Gramps.

Good luck with it all!

Ilumine · February 2011

Why do you need to talk to the neighbors about this? All the Nanny needs to do is grow a set and not let the kids come into the house. It really isnt that hard.

And if the kids keep coming over after being told no, then the nanny needs to pick up the phone, call grandfather and say "Frank, susie has been over to the house twice today, even though we are unable to set a playdate right now. Can you please keep her home so there wont be any upset feelings when we keep telling her no."

And then keep doing it. Eventually, she (and grandpa too) will learn that they wont get their way IF THEY DONT GET THEIR WAY.

1CINCYGIRL · February 2011

I would def mention it to the mom, but I would also quit letting the kids in all the time. My son is 5 and there are 4 kids down the street ages 3-about 10 years old. The just show up unsupervised all the time. I don't let the kids inside my house unless WE invite them. Otherwise I tell them they need to play outside and I bundle my son up and outside he goes or I tell them now it not a good time. They only stick around for about 30 min then they go home. I haven't ever met their parents and it shocks me every time they just show up. In the summer if they are here and play for a while NOBODY ever checks on them at my house. I would tell nanny to stop letting them in if you can- they will eventually get bored and come over less.

EastCoastBride · February 2011

I agree, your nanny needs to learn to say no. However, o do think you should talk to the mom. Perhaps set up a playdate once or twice a week. But I also think be honest. The kids are coming over a lot on their own and its becoming a problem for your nanny and she feels bad saying no to them.

ScoobyM · February 2011

Thanks for all the advice. My nanny is a wonderful caregiver but she is definitely more of a non-confrontational person and I know she feels uncomfortable telling them no unless there is a specific reason, like if DD is napping or about to nap or something like that. I feel like it is my responsibility to help protect her a little bit by talking to the mom, and I also think she'll feel more able to say no if they call as opposed to just appearing at the door. We tried stopping over there today but they weren't home, so we are going to keep trying till we catch them at home.

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