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Attachment Parenting
Interesting article - Why I don't force my kids to say please...or walk on schedule.
Former "Blossom" actress Mayim Bialik believes in allowing children to develop at their own pace, whether it comes to motor skills or manners. Here, she explains why.
By Mayim Bialik, Ph.D., TODAY Moms contributor
Mayim Bialik starred in the TV show "Blossom," and went on to earn her Ph.D. in neuroscience from UCLA.
I?m not going to beat around the bush here. By current conventional standards both of my sons qualified for speech, occupational and physical therapy and I gave them none. Both walked at a ripe 17 months, my older son did not speak sentences until well after 3, my younger son, age 2, communicates exceedingly well with signs and gestures but has not uttered a two-word phrase or even an ?appropriately? formed word. My boys were physically very cautious, shunning jumping, running, and even climbing long after their peers mastered them; and my younger son did not roll over unassisted until, wait for it: the day he turned one. He apparently has a weak set of core muscles that he now compensates for beautifully, without anyone noticing but me and my husband.
So why didn?t I send my children for assessment and therapy? For the same reason that I don?t tell them to say ?please? or ?thank you.? Confused yet? Don?t be. Barring outstanding medical concerns, I believe in letting children progress in their own way and pace, modeling behavior while respecting the innate development of a child as an autonomous and purposeful creature. I believe that children, like adults (and perhaps better than most adults?), generally know what works for them.
Although the ?delays? my sons displayed can be markers for autism, autism-spectrum disorders or developmental delays, I trust my intuition and I trust our pediatrician. My husband and I knew there was nothing wrong with our older son, and I know there is nothing wrong with his little doppelganger. By the standards of whoever decided kids should do what when, my sons are truly ?behind,? and I have been accused of being neglectful and selfish for not getting them therapy.
We have no daycare, pre-school or kindergarten standards to meet (we homeschool), no one to impress (we choose friends who support independent thinking or share it themselves) and we have nothing to be ashamed of (our parents have learned to back off and watch the results; thankfully, our boys have not disappointed them yet). My kids are fine. You may not think so, but you get to raise your kids and I get to raise mine.
Here are some other things I hate to force kids to do.
Share. I go nuts when I am at the park with my kids and parents hover over children, alternatively scolding them for not sharing toys with my kids and scolding my kids for not sharing with theirs. Here?s my deal: when my kid is done with that toy, they?ll give your kid a turn, and if your kid is not done with a toy, my kid can go ahead and wait, even if they throw the tantrum to end all tantrums about it. It?s my job as a parent to help them deal with disappointment and to distract them or offer alternatives in that situation. My husband and I learned this philosophy from an amazing educator who taught the ?Parent & Me? classes we attended with our boys. She promised us that if we modeled sharing by focusing on the feelings a child exhibits when they want something desperately, our child would learn to share from the heart: instinctively, compassionately, generously. We thought she was crazy at first, but after hearing her repeatedly say to the children in our class, ?I can see that Johnny really would like a turn on that rocking horse? and the like, all of the children eventually caught on and started to tune into the feelings of other people, rather than the nagging of an authority figure. Sometimes my sons won?t give up a prized possession, and that?s OK too. Not forcing sharing lets children know that they get to decide what they want, and adults don?t get to just step in and decide who gets what when.
Be Polite. In much the same way as we learned to model sharing, we model manners. Before our sons were old enough to do so spontaneously, my husband and I would say ?water please? when our sons needed water, and we would say ?thank you? when they got it. This taught them how society functions without us forcing it down their throats. As our sons got older, there were a handful of times when family members clearly expected a ?thank you? for a gift, and I was very tempted to whisper, ?Say thank you!? But we have stayed the course and our older son now remembers with just a gentle nod from us if he forgets. He is spontaneously authentic and he also knows the value of politeness, and that sounds about right for a 5 year old.
Excel. Just because a child can do something, it doesn?t mean they should. Yes, you can teach your 2 or 3 year old to recite alphabets, learn colors and shapes and songs and dances and poems by heart, but is this really what a child needs? I?m not saying it?s not fun to teach your children things, but if not for the standards of our dominant educational system, is there any inherent value in a child knowing colors as soon as possible? Or the alphabet song, for that matter? Childhood is so brief and so delicate. Letting children achieve on their own time frame and in their own way works for us. We feel that we are letting the true desires of our children develop. People are often shocked when they see what our children don?t know, but our sons are healthy, inquisitive, curious, fun, gentle, and thriving. That they don?t know Dora from SpongeBob seems inconsequential.
I have heard people say that those who force their kids to share, be polite, and excel on adult terms are really just creating children who are monkeys, imitating behavior without independently experiencing it or really understanding it. I don?t know if I agree, but I do know that families that don?t force these things have children who grow and develop at their own pace and they all turn out pretty much fine. It is my hope that my children will feel truly understood and safe in their skin, no matter how ?delayed? their skin might be.
Yes, I am a bit cerebral about parenting. Maybe I should just chill out and go with the flow. Well, for a lot of reasons, from my childhood to my doctorate, I believe strongly in conscious, child-centered parenting. It doesn?t make me better than you, but it does make you need to wait for me on walks with our kids -- because I can guarantee you my kid?s not as fast a walker as yours. And that?s OK.
Mayim Bialik starred in the early-1990s television show ?Blossom? and currently appears on the CBS sitcom ?The Big Bang Theory.? She earned a Ph.D. in neuroscience from UCLA in 2007, and wrote her thesis on Prader-Willi syndrome. The spokesperson for the Holistic Moms Network and a certified lactation educator, Bialik is writing a book about attachment parenting, and she has two sons, Miles, 5, and Frederick, 2. She will be blogging regularly at TODAYMoms.com.
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Re: Interesting article - Why I don't force my kids to say please...or walk on schedule.
Totally ditto this.
BUT speaking as a parent of a child on the autism spectrum (SS has Aspergers), I think it's important to make sure dealys aren't a sign of something else. The earlier the child gets intervention & help (speech therapy, occupational therapy, etc.), the better the outcome. A couple years could make a HUGE difference in the quality of life for these kids.
I will step off my soapbox to say that she did say she felt confident in her pedi & her own intuition, which means she considered what a delay could mean. I just think that when you're talking about the possibility of huge life altering things (like an autism dx), it never hurts to be positively sure. Not knocking a mama's intuition, just saying that many pedi's miss ASD's & many parents are blind to it until much later on.
As a mom of a baby in early intervention for motor skills, I think she's setting a bad example. A child with low tone that isn't given proper therapy will learn to compensate for it. They usually wind up using muscles that will inhibit their lives as they get older. A little bit of therapy can help a child for their entire future.
I also don't know if I would ever trust my instinct to knoe that there was absolutely nothing wrong with my child if he didn't speak. Therapists are trained in plenty of methods to help children speak. children with deficits in communication can become easily frustrated, anxious upset and can increase tantruming. Personally, i would want to give my child all the tools he could have for the future.
I think forcing please and thank you is very separate from providing therapy. Unfortunately there are times when children need a bit more directful guidance. if i don't know how to ride a bike my child would never learn is basically the idea shes spouting. and while i like the theory of children learning by example i don't think it's 100% the case.
Ditto this.
I read an aritcle or blog of hers once about extended breastfeeding. She's really very interesting, and I like that she's a "celebrity" who is okay with sharing her unconventional parenting beliefs.
I just want to give you a world as beautiful as you are to me.
ITA with this. It's two REALLY different things. She has a PhD in neuroscience so, yes, she might have mother's intuition, but she has quite a bit of education to back that up. Most parents don't and lots of parents and kids are at-risk to fall behind (or worse) and should absolutely take advantage of EI services.
I know she tries to be clear that she's not passing judgment, but she seems to be implying that EI is almost optional. While that might have been the case for her children, for kids in different circumstances, not getting those services could have serious consequences for them for the rest of their lives.
I agree with her about saying please and sharing and all that stuff. Children will learn those things for example. One of my biggest pet peeves is what parents (or teachers) force children to say they're sorry. If they don't say it themselves they either a) don't understand the concept or b) don't mean it. It helps no one to make them say it!
TTC since 11/05...ectopic pg 4/08...early m/c 6/09...BFP 10/5/09!
Nora B...June 15, 2010...8lbs, 8oz...Med-free birth!
TTC #2 since 7/11...cycle #3 of Clomid + IUI = BFP
Malcolm...September 21, 2012...8lbs, 6oz...Another med-free birth!
I definitely think she has a unique, somewhat insightful POV. I like the general idea of her process...that children should be allowed the freedom to develop at their own pace.
I had a couple of thoughts...I would have a hard time not stressing the "pleases" and "thank-yous". Probably because there is a big age gap between when children can actually say these words, and when they might understand the meaning behind it and want to say it of their own accord.
Also, she does make a somewhat condescending connection between teaching children their letters, shapes, etc. and the difference between knowing who Dora and Spongebob Squarepants are. Is the underlying tone that children who learn these things also watch television? I don't know, the whole "my kids have all these great qualities and they don't know popular television characters" insinuation was a bit irritating.
I disagree about the saying please (although I generally agree about the sharing). Manners can be learned by example, but applying them takes practice. Being mannerly, please, thank-you and pleased to meet you, is a social nicety I want my children to respect. With practice, it is very easy, doesn't cost anything, but improves your life and those around you a lot.
From experience, I disagree. I was never made to say I was sorry (that I recall) until one day, when I was about 6 or 7. My dad made me say sorry to another little girl before I could roller skate again and I was VERY stubborn about it. It took me forever to get around to it and I could barely get it out. Once I finally did, I felt much better. I found it much easier to say in other situations after that... So in my case, I was too stubborn to say it even though your a) and b) both applied. DS1 often says "sorry" on his own, sometimes I tell him he needs to... I feel comfortable with his ability to process it and mean it.I really agree with her views on sharing. If you had something in your hands that you found incredibly interesting and were in the midst of exploring, wouldn't you be pretty pissed if someone keep insisting that you give it to someone else?
I can't stand parents who stand over their children saying "Share! Share! Share!" If my kid doesn't feel like sharing a toy they like, then I'm okay with that, and if they want something that someone else has and that person doesn't want to give it up, well then tough noogies.
In theory I feel the same about please/thank you. Forcing or cajoling a kid to say it is ingenuine and annoying, but I do believe in teaching manners and modeling good manners. I'm not sure how we will balance it, but I know I felt nothing but pure irritation when my mom would prompt "say thank you" and give me the "mom stare". I think leaving kids to their own devices with solid role models and maybe some practice will leave them able to grasp how to show appreciation and ask nicely in their own genuine ways. Politeness just as a social nicety without any feeling behind it is transparent.
I think the please and thank you thing comes from a place of having children with fairly significant speech delays though. Josephine was saying please at 10 months and so teaching her to use it in context was important, just like pointing at a ball and saying "ball." I don't have to say ''say please" anymore. We have little conversations before we go out like "we're going to a restaurant, so remember to mind our manners. But I never make her mimic. She gets it. But she didn't at 10 months and when your child is super verbal early? You do things a little differently.
My kid was a very slow walker though. 16 months before she walked and I was getting a little worried. 1 more month and she would have qualified for EI and we would have done it. mostly because while I trust my gut, I think it takes a village and there's nothing wrong with asking a little help from someone with more experience in that area.
I like that she's really thought about her choices.
I like her thoughts on saying please and sharing.
I don't support not teaching kids things like the alphabet because her thoughts seem so only one or the other. I agree that you shouldn't be "forcing" kids to recite their letters, but learning the alphabet doesn't mean your inquisitiveness and creativity will be stifled. i think you can have both.
I also think that childhood is such a window of opportunity for learning. That children learn things like language, colours and the alphabet without even really trying, but if they don't get the opportunity to learn what are some pretty basic pieces of knowledge for our society then those things become a chore to learn, rather than just a natural part of their life.
In my opinion.
Elizabeth 5yrs old Jane 3yrs old
This chick is probably a heck of a lot of fun to be around. Not.
That crossed my mind too. Both of my kids are talkers and DS loves to say thank you - not because we drilled it into him but because we model it... and then it's so stinking cute that he gets a lot of positive reinforcement when he does it because everyone smiles and coos when he does it.
Kind of the same with colors. DD learned her colors early because I used the colors to describe things when talking to her and she just picked it up. For kids who are talking I'm not sure how you manage to not learn basic colors by 3yrs.
But I think the explanation about sharing is great.
I really like her take on sharing and teaching empathy as a part of children learning to share. I agree with previous posters who commented that a lot of kids pick up ABCs and colors and the like just by everyday conversation. My second DD especially loved the alphabet song and it was sung to her as a lullaby all the time because she responded well to it. As such, she could sing the ABCs really early. It wasn't because we drilled it into her so that she could be a little robot or trained monkey or something!
And as a pediatric OT, I obviously disagree with her take on early intervention and not needing speech, PT, or OT. I'll leave it at that or this response will be really long!
I don't know...she's just NMS at all.
"I have four children. Two are adopted. I forget which two. -Bob Constantine
"All for Love,' a Saviour prayed 'Abba Father have Your way. Though they know not what they do...Let the Cross draw men to You...."
She is probably a little more extreme than me, but I agree with most of what she says about letting kids develop on their own (while being both educated and trusting your intuition about the situation, and also consulting professionals).
I really don't think there is anything wrong with intentionally teaching your child the appropriate times to say please/thank you/sorry or share toys, but I do agree that modeling is going to have the biggest impact. My kid doesn't say "please" or "thank you" clearly, so I don't expect him to try to say it and have manners, but I did tell him the other day to say "thanks" to his friend when she gave him something and he attempted to say it, and he looked quite happy about the exchange.
I do think there is value in apologizing, even if you don't completely mean it, and I do think there is value in teaching your child the appropriate times to apologize. At the very least, talking to your child about how the other child/animal/adult is feeling if your child did something inappropriate to hurt someone else. A child might not know the appropriate way to respond. She might feel bad about what she did, but not know how to rectify the situation. Modeling is great, but some kids need a little bit more instruction, and I think that is okay.
This. (of course.)
I think Mayim is on her way to unschooling (if she's not there already)...it'll be interesting to see her experience with that.
It's entirely another to write about it (maybe even boast about it) in an article.
does anyone else things it's *awfully* fishy that *both* her kids have multiple significant delays? Obviously I doubt she's doing anything deliberately, but it just seems way too coincidental not to have anything to do with the way they are raised/parented.
My son has a significant speech delay and will be starting weekly therapy next month. If my next child has the same problem I couldn't help but think it was partially my responsibility.
I'm not saying it's her "fault" but that parenting may have something to do with it.