Confession

sistrkate · February 2011

I love my kids more than anything in this world. Seriously, I would throw myself in front of a train for them. But I really don't like being a mom.

I know that sounds terrible and I feel bad for even saying it. But quite honestly, being a mom is the hardest thing in the world for me. I wish it wasn't this way. I want to be the kind of mom who isn't rattled by a little (totally normal) misbehavior, who has fun ideas of things to do, sings silly songs and plays make-believe. But none of that comes natural to me. And I am very sad about it.

Meg41208 · February 2011

Being a mom isn't about being fun or silly. It's about nurturing your children, and I think you do a great job of that.

buckeyethor · February 2011

I agree with Meg.

Mrs.Cooley2bee · February 2011

I have to agree with you. I was having a hard time last night worrying about Asher and to top it off Charlotte was throwing a fit before bed. It was one of those moments that was so draining and sad...between the worrying and dealing with a toddler I was not liking my role as a Mom. Like you, I don't think I am creative with fun ideas and I don't sing silly songs...I envy my husband for naturally being that way.

I agree with PP, more times than not parenting won't be silly or fun....unfortunatly.

sistrkate · February 2011

identicaltwins2be:
I could have written your post. I feel like I am always stressed, always upset, and never any fun. I don't enjoy playing Barbies or running around yard. I really have to tell myself to suck it up and do it because that's what mom's do. But I wouldn't trade my kids for the world...well, maybe for some sleep

Parenting is by far the hardest thing we will ever do in our lives. If we nuture and love our kids, teach them to be good people, and support them through everything then I think we have done our jobs. I also think that a big part of the joy comes when your children are grown and see can see that they have turned into a wonderful adult and that all of your hard work has paid off.

ETA: typos

I guess this is where a lot of my self-doubt comes from. I know it's not our job to be our children's best friends, but at the same time, I just feel like there's no way I'm fun to be around. I lose my temper easily and I feel like my patience is in way too short supply -- more than it ought to be. I love my dad with my whole heart, but I couldn't stand him much when we were growing up. He yelled all the time. And I feel like I'm following in his footsteps.

I don't know, maybe this week is just a particularly bad week for me. But I'm feeling very defeated at the moment.

curlypie1 · February 2011

I think (and hope) that the ebb and flow of parenting is like that of a marriage; you have ups and downs but if you remain committed and can see around the corner to a brighter day, then everyone is okay.

Some days I don't want to make the Barbie's talk, I request Nora pull the board game out that takes the least amount of time and I let her stay up too late just so I don't have to go through the exhausting bedtime routine at that moment. Those are my down days and I do feel guilty for them.This must have been hard for you to type and the only point of my rambling is to tell you that I bet (and once again hope!) that this is true for many of us. I too love my children more than anything and to admit that it's hard to be an enthusiastic Mom everyday is a hard thing to do.

Superchicy · February 2011

I have had the same feelings as well. Really, up until the past couple months, I doubted my ability to care for a second child as much as I want a sibling for Brooke. Somehow in the last few weeks I've really started enjoying playing with Brooke and I have seen my attitude change for the better. Maybe it's just her age now and she is much more independent.

But so many times, especially in the first year, I felt so guilty about being excited to go to work and have a break from the constant exhaustion. I was even talking to a friend who, like me, always babysat and thought about having kids and being a mom, and we both said we never realized how hard being a mom was and how we thought we'd really be better at it. I've also realized how much I do value the opportunity I have to work, that as much as I love being home with DD I don't know if I could do it every.single.day. SAHM's are amazing women to do that for their kids.

mrs.george2be04 · February 2011

Every mom is different is different, and that's OK (well, most of the time). We're all snowflakes. Wink

You don't have to be a clown to be a good mother. I mean, TTT takes her kids to the bar, and doesn't let them have nurseries, and she's a good mom. I will say that even though I knew being a mom would not be easy, it's about a million times harder than I ever imagined. Don't get me wrong, he's completely worth it, but damn is it hard sometimes.

klee411 · February 2011

curlypie1:
I think (and hope) that the ebb and flow of parenting is like that of a marriage; you have ups and downs but if you remain committed and can see around the corner to a brighter day, then everyone is okay.

I love this idea! I think so many people long to get PG and be mom's that when it actually happens, the reality of the bad days and the frustrating times can really beat you down emotionally. The key is to be ok with having a bad day every now and again and make a vow to try again tomorrow and understand that no one is perfect.

My confession is that I sometimes like going to work and being a F/T working mom. I really give props to all the SAHM's out there but honestly I don't know if I could do it day in and day out. I love my son more than the world itself but I also like to have some adult time and some me time away from him so that when I get home, I can be more focused on him and hanging out. Although I'm always worried about bills, the house being a mess, not having enough time in my week, etc, etc. So I guess my rambling is to say that I'm right there with you. Motherhood is hard. And not every day is rainbows and sunshine. And that is ok.

katpres06 · February 2011

I don't think you should feel bad at all. I understand what you mean. When people ask us how much we love being parents, literally DH and I answer "it's an adjustment".

My dad was completely of the mindset that you have kids to raise them to be contributing members of society. And now, I feel myself leaning more towards that mindset than "I need to be my kids BFF". I don't know how I feel about leaning that way. My DH's family is super close, and more like friends, so I see it kind of both ways. I think you just have to do what works for you. I have a hard time doing imaginative things and being goofy. I don't think I'll ever be that type of mom.

But it's really hard when you feel like it should be one way, and it's not necessarily for you. And FWIW, I think you're a great mom. Don't be so hard on yourself!

Ttimes3 · February 2011

mrs.george2be04:
I mean, TTT takes her kids to the bar, and doesn't let them have nurseries, and she's a good mom.

Hilar! It's funny 'cause it's true...and I'm sure there are a million other things that I've done (or not done), choices I've made, etc. that would make some of you say "hmmm?" However, I love my kids, and I try very hard to be the best parent that I can be. We all do, right? Sometimes we fall short, but we try to make our shortcomings the exception rather than the rule. As long as that is the case, I think we can all consider ourselves to be great mothers.

Also, as with any other arena in life, being a ["successful"] good mother is more about knowing WHO and WHEN to ask for help than it is about being able to do everything 100% on our own. It takes a village to raise a child, and I would be NOWHERE without all of the collective help (family, friends, care providers, etc.) that DH and I have within our child-rearing village. Hug your boys; but, more importantly, hug yourself. You are a great person and an even better mother.

addslove · February 2011

I think you are a pretty awesome mom Katie. (((((HUGS)))))

Moesten · February 2011

Take a step back here. There are lots of ways to be a good parent. And really it has nothing to do with how fun or silly you are or how many songs you sing or the fact that you know how to make a canoe from bubble gum, a wooden spoon, and sock puppets. Your children are very young right now and maybe young kids just aren't your favorite thing in the world. No crime there. There are some people that are great with young kids but suck terribly with tweens and teens. And vice versa. And some people are never great with kids. And that's okay too since our kids don't stay kids forever. Parenting is not about being fun. It's about raising adults, instilling values, providing guidance. It is a modern (last few decades) idea that parents are supposed to be playmates with their kids.

Now if you are truly disappointed in your own handling of situations then that's completely within your control. It's tough but you are completely capable of changing those interactions. It might take more than reading a book or doing some self talk but those are good places to start. It might take signing up for a parenting class, attending a workshop, or doing some short-term, solution-focused counseling with a family therapist to learn new strategies for managing stress and responding to your kids' behavior. But do not beat yourself up over it. I was a freaking professional in that field but I still find myself operating on a short fuse and being unnecessarily harsh with K sometimes because of my own feelings and pressures. I'm human, throw me in jail.

Being a good mom is about loving and providing for your kids. Providing opportunities, safety, nurturance, guidance and care. You do these things. You are a good mom Katie. And you're a good woman. Don't tell yourself anything different.

Call me anytime. We'll commiserate.

JLPT830 · February 2011

Moesten:
Being a good mom is about loving and providing for your kids. Providing opportunities, safety, nurturance, guidance and care. You do these things. You are a good mom Katie. And you're a good woman. Don't tell yourself anything different.

I couldn't agree more! And how many of us look to you for advice???!!!! That's gotta speak volumes for the kind of mom you are!

buckeyethor · February 2011

I think a lot of parents go wrong thinking they have to be BFFs with their children. They forget about the older, wiser, discipline, respect stuff. I am scared to put my child out there with those kids whose parents only are playmates and set up no boundaries. It will probably be better for your children in the long run if you are better at the more serious side of parenting than the silly side. They will have plenty of friends and each other for that. It is all about moderation. I can only be imaginative and silly so long or stack/sort.

Megs&Nick · February 2011

I've often felt the same way. I don't like drinking fake tea several thousand times a day or playing some of the games she wants to play. A few times is fine, but afte that my patience wears thin. I'm not that great of a playmate.

I feel that my husband is a far better parent with the fun stuff. He loves to play anything she wants, will roll around on the floor with her, play dress up, etc and seems to have endless patience. Sometimes I wonder if he should be the one staying home with her. I think I'll be better when there are planned activities as she gets older. I love spending time with her and love her to pieces, I just tend to like structure rather than being creative on my own.

I guess that's where DH and I balance each other out. Right now, I tend to work more on the discipline, respect, academic side of things while he is more nurturing of the imaginative, relaxed, fun part.

All in all, I don't think I'm a bad parent and I certainly don't think you are either. It's not likely that I'll ever win the Mother of the Year award and there are definitely things that I could (and regularly try to) improve on, but my child is happy, healthy and fairly well-behaved most of the time. That's a win in my book.

KYmama9286 · February 2011

I've found in my short 11 months of parenting Wink that its very similar to marriage. As pp said things ebb and flow, I would say every other day I'm feeling like :a) I am totally ready for another baby, if I can handle all this then a 2nd will be cake or b) there is NO WAY I am even CLOSE to being able to handle another child, I am a disaster and horrible at taking care of ONE child let alone another.

I've found, and am still working on, letting go of expectations. I think every woman has these expectations of what parenting is going to be like and what kind of parent they will be and its all happening in an ideal world with ideal settings and just isnt reality. As much as I would love to say that I would never have to let my child cry or that DH and I wont EVER argue in front of Nicholas *gasp* I know that when you are in the thick of parenting and living life those things just arent realistic. There is nothing wrong with having goals but they are simply that, goals-- things you are working towards mastering and achieving. I have an image in my head of the mother I would like to be and as long as I am working towards that I have to be okay with myself.

As humans (and some may disagree) we are innately selfish, self-serving, lazy, easy angered, etc. It is a decision to fight against these things and it is a decision to put aside laziness or selfishness and to take care of your children day in and day out. I think we are programmed to think that mothering is this innate primal thing that we will naturally want to do-- no we naturally want to take care of ourselves and the nature part of mothering is doing the bare minimum to make sure our children survive infancy which we are ALL doing. There is nothing instinctual about wanting to play barbies or lay on the ground and play blocks-- that is a decision. We all need to cut ourselves a little slack, realize that in reality there are very few parents who ENJOY playing barbies day in and day out (if they say they do they are lying through their teeth). Chances are we are all parenting in a similar way and all have the same goal in mind (well adjust kids who contribute to society as adults). You are doing a great job, your kids arent going to be the cesspool of society b/c their mom got snippy with them lol Its okay to not like being a mom sometimes...just like its okay to not like being a wife sometimes Stick out tongue

Ttimes3 · February 2011

Megs&Nick:

I guess that's where DH and I balance each other out. Right now, I tend to work more on the discipline, respect, academic side of things while he is more nurturing of the imaginative, relaxed, fun part.

Yes

doodlebug914 · February 2011

It's exhausting being a mom for sure. But bottom line, you are a great mom, you love your boys so much, and the joy that you experience from it really shows. I read Kelle Hampton's blog and am pretty much in awe of her fun/silly/play time because I feel like I am always so tired and love the fact that Ethan is such a great independent kid who plays very well alone. I'm not the bake cookies and make silly games up all the time kind of mom, but I enjoy all the time with my precious boy... and am basking in the quietness of naptime right now

Hang in there mama.

RFKD82909 · February 2011

I've only met you once but from reading your posts, I don't think you're anything less than a great mom. You're doing a good job even though it's hard and it's not nearly as 'fun' as some make it out to be.

Hang in there!