How to properly raise a Princess?

DavezWife · February 2011

So Ava will turn 3 next month (holychitonashingle) and for the past couple of months she LIVES in this pink princess dress I got for her at a garage sale. She twirls, she puts on hats, flower leis, funky socks, a crown, sunglasses (this is all at once, mind you, lol) and just prances around saying "abracadabra!" with whatever stick I let in the house and put a ribbon on. het.

Davez is mortified that we're breeding some messed up kid that will have false expectations about life, what "Prince Charming" is, and that life is a fairytale. Like, there's some princess on ice thing coming to town, and he won't let me take her.

I say she's being a girly toddler, and he should suck it.

I try to use words like "Oh my, you look GREAT!" (not pretty, I don't want to objectify her, she looks pretty in jeans and a t-shirt too) and always try to point out how smart she is, not just oh-so-cute. We don't play makeup, but she does like to brush/do my hair. She has a Tinkerbell movie she loves, but other than that, I keep the movies limited to educational stuff.

I just don't know what's the "right" and "wrong" way to raise a well-rounded girl. My parents didn't work with me on this, and my self-esteem and self-worth was a little wonky once I hit high school and college. I REFUSE to have a tween that's concerned about her weight, and begging for thongs and tight jeans at age 10, it just won't happen. I suspect she'll be no ugly ducking growing up, and I don't want her to rely ??? on her looks, KWIM? Clearly I'm thinking about this too much, and wish to just let a kid be a kid.

But if you know of any resources, books, etc that address this subject, I'm all ears.

Mrs.Reem · February 2011

We don't do the princess thing but there was an awesome article a friend of mine posted a while back about this. I'll try to find it.

The book that I can recommend is Cinderella ate my daughter. (I think that's what it's called.)

And no you're not thinking about this too much. Self confidence is essential for little girls.

June24Bride · February 2011

I do see where you are comin from, but we dont do the princess thing here either. It's a word I despise personally.

I think you're overthinking it. I like the idea of the book Reem recommended.

itsmevkb · February 2011

We are also a princess free home but my little girl is just turning two so she may have just not hit that stage yet. I think she can just have fun and her play doesn't indicate what her self-esteem will be like as a tween or teen. You're not telling her she needs to be pretty to get ahead, you're making sure she knows her worth (by just being who she is) and that's all that matters.

brideinOC · February 2011

I had a huge dress up box in our basement (probably a dryer box) that was filled with hand me down ballet tutus from her recitals, prom-like dresses and faux jewelry. I practically lived in the basement in those outfits. Any friends over or my girl cousins and we were having tea parties in our dresses. I'm not an overy girly woman and wasn't as an 7-10 yr old or teenager. I do my hair daily, wear make up (not a ton ever) even on the wknds, and shave my legs daily (lol). I feel like it was a phase of sorts. While I appreciate the once in a blue moon (these days) opportunity to throw on a nice dress and heels, it's not my everyday thing.

I think it's also other things that you expose her to. Throw a sport in the mix. She's not to young for Pee Wee sports. If you refer to her 24/7 as a princess, and allow her to live in a princess world, then yes, you'll raise a princess. That show on TLC that has insane birthday parties with like $20K budgets is a perfect example. I saw a woman with her daughter discussing how a smaller budget just wouldn't do and asked the daughter's opinion (she was young). I think the daughter rolled her eyes. Yeah, not so attractive.

My bff asked her daughter who was maybe 4 or 5 what she wanted to be when she grew up. Daughter said "A princess or if that doesn't work, maybe a doctor." Daughter is now 11 and while girly (more fem than masc), she plays lacrosse (with a pink stick) and swims at Michael Phelp's swim club. I don't think she even owns a tiera anymore.

You seem like a well rounded person to me, Tracie. I don't foresee you visiting her is a castle one day.

alchris · February 2011

I'm on my way to the parenting group at Kira's preschool on this very topic! (Last month it was Tiger Mom just as we were discussing it here too. ) The premise is that it's a normal developmental stage where boys and girls identify sexes by external appearances.

Here are a couple links: here and here.

I'll say that we've NEVER done princess in this house, no words on clothes or anything, but I'm not opposed to play dress up. There's no mistaking that Kira is all girl though, LOL.

LoveMyGirlz · February 2011

Julia has some princess dress up things (mostly hand me downs, or gifts) and she loves them. She will prance around and say she's a princess. I think it's "normal" and I'm not worried that she'll be 10 going around saying the same thing. I do know it's important to say things other than "you look so pretty" and say she's smart, creative, etc. I'm planning on buying the book "Bringing Up Girls" as I've heard it's good and indicates it's especially important what daddy says to his daughter in terms of growing her confidence. So right now I just think it's normal toddler behavior. Also they learn so much by modeling so we just have to be sure to not talk about dieting and our bodies (in a negative form) in front of them. Let Ava twirl her wands! lol

dana316 · February 2011

I despise clothing with all that 'princess' and 'diva' stuff on it...we just don't go there. I rarely ever put Caroline in clothes with words on them at all...its just not my style.

However....

I think this is the place where you can say moderation in everything, including moderation.

She's (not quite) 3...she likes to play dress up...I think that's as normal as normal gets.

If it makes Davez feel better, get her a camoflage outfit and let her dress up in that too...just for balance ;-)

I love a fairy tale as much as the next girl...but I also realize life is far from it...and that came from my mother teaching me about real life. The biggest influence on a child is the same-sex parent...if you don't teach her to BE a spoiled rotten princess, then she won't be a spoiled rotten princess.

brideinOC · February 2011

Tracie, I hope we're all still around here in 20+ years so I can see Ava's "Happily Ever After" story... I know it will be amazing out of the mouth of her mom.

DavezWife · February 2011

so interesting... suppose we should refer to it as a "fairy" or something? I mean, it *IS* just dress up. Not sure she even knows what a princess does, or what her roll is. She certainly won't be allowed to get all "diva" up in there. she's just playing. She makes other "costumes" out of fabric and funny clothes, and does imaginary play with the best of them.

Cute sidebar, at this age, she's quick to get frustrated, so I tell her "Ava, stop for a second and take a break. You can do this. You can do ANYTHING. And I'm here to help you if you need it. "

Now, about a 10000 times a day, I hear "Stop, *I* do it. *I* can do annnnnnnnnything. I'm Ava Claire!" her conviction, it's beyond cute.

June24Bride · February 2011

DavezWife:
so interesting... suppose we should refer to it as a "fairy" or something? I mean, it *IS* just dress up. Not sure she even knows what a princess does, or what her roll is. She certainly won't be allowed to get all "diva" up in there. she's just playing. She makes other "costumes" out of fabric and funny clothes, and does imaginary play with the best of them.
Cute sidebar, at this age, she's quick to get frustrated, so I tell her "Ava, stop for a second and take a break. You can do this. You can do ANYTHING. And I'm here to help you if you need it. "
Now, about a 10000 times a day, I hear "Stop, *I* do it. *I* can do annnnnnnnnything. I'm Ava Claire!" her conviction, it's beyond cute.

I guess what threw me was the title of the post "how to properly raise a princess"...nothing wrong with dress up. I just dont wanna raise a princess.

emmyloustu · February 2011

This topic is always interesting me and I have enjoyed reading the responses so far. Obviously, at just 13.5mo, Eliza is too young for the princess bit, but I do think those influences start this young. I will admit I go out of way to avoid the princess culture and don't think too highly of it. I am all about dress up and imaginative play though and I think that is just what Ava is doing.

I dislike the term princess, all the princess propaganda etc...but I do love me some Disney princess movies and can't wait to watch "Beauty and the Beast" and "Little mermaid" with her when she is older. And Disney World?! EEEK! I think I am more excited to take her in a few years than she will be!

As Dana said, like anything, everything is ok in moderation and I think the messages our daughters get from us is the most important thing.

Admittedly, I cringe at the thought of Eliza being a girly, girl. I would rather her be an athlete/tomboy any day than a dancer. All of my nieces dance and my SILs are all about Eliza doing it too and I am just not interested. If she really wanted to try it, sure, but I would secretly be hoping she didn't love it. I would love for her to do Irish dance because I love that it focuses on a cultural aspect of our lives and doesn't seem to reinforce stereotypes about body image and beauty. I think my parents did a good job of exposing me to lots of different activites - I danced, I swam, I played softball and basketball. I was not much of an athlete, but I did love synchronized swimming. I was neither girly girl, nor tomboy.

I want her to be smart, confident, imaginative, and well rounded. I could care less if she is "popular."

I am definitely interested in reading the Cinderella Ate my Daughter book.

fallbride110406 · February 2011

I think there's a very large difference between letting a kid be a kid and instilling princess/entitled behavior. The word "Princess" on a shirt, watching Cinderella or having a trunk of princess dress up clothes is not going to convince your kid that they're not going to have to work for anything and will meet Prince Charming and get happily ever after.

If my daughter wants to wear a pink princess dress and tiara while she picks up her room and does homework one day when she's 7, she's more than welcome to. We're still going to teach her that princesses are fairy tales, make up stories, and that she still has to work for what she wants in life.

Soon2beMrs.Sivert · February 2011

We don't call our daughters princesses, we don't wear the t-shirts, etc.

But I love letting them dig through their costume box with dresses, tiaras, necklaces, pearls, etc. How fun?

I understand the hesitation but I think part of being a girl is the frilly stuff. So, I let them enjoy it. I don't think I need to be politically correct and I want them to enjoy and appreciate being little ladies. If it brings a smile to their face I say go for it!

oct92004bride · February 2011

DD likes to dress up once in a while at home and at daycare but they have different dress-up clothes to choose from. I loved that stuff as a kid and see nothing wrong with it, I never thought I was a "princess". However when Dh is trying to push my buttons he'll say okay princess-lol. We did take our DD to see Disney on Ice she really enjoyed it. Alot of the little girls there did dress up for the show but DD didn't.

CMM05 · February 2011

I guess this is similar to Firstogo's post above.

Tell Davez to relax. All girls love princess and dress-up stuff (most....). We all went through that stuff.

People are overthinking this stuff way too much. Just because you have princess dolls and dress-ups in the house does not mean you are going to raise a bulimic Miley Cyrus. She will be fine.

I don't think its good to point out looks and food issues at a young age, but dress-up? Its fine. She will be a gorgeous and intelligent girl because you will raise her that way and you will raise her to respect herself. Her toys are not going to turn her into a crazy teenager! Promise

Let her be a kid and enjoy Cinderella and her fairy dust!!

ibbunee77 · February 2011

we actually try to steer DD away from the princess-y stuff but she must innately be a girly girl because she just gravitates towards everything pink and frilly and pretty. dh asked her if she wanted to be in soccer and she thought about it long and hard before answering, "um okay... AND BALLET TOO!" also, she is constantly making remarks about pink being for girls and blue being for boys. i'm not where she got that from because we try not to perpetuate gender stereotypes. she was in daycare for over a year (before i became a SAHM) so maybe she learned it there? in any case, we try to expose her to a lot of different things and not make a big deal about appearance. but i think it will be hard to completely shield her from societal expectations. it's something i'm concerned about too so i'm interested in the other responses.

GypsyEsq · February 2011

fallbride110406:

I think there's a very large difference between letting a kid be a kid and instilling princess/entitled behavior. The word "Princess" on a shirt, watching Cinderella or having a trunk of princess dress up clothes is not going to convince your kid that they're not going to have to work for anything and will meet Prince Charming and get happily ever after.

If my daughter wants to wear a pink princess dress and tiara while she picks up her room and does homework one day when she's 7, she's more than welcome to. We're still going to teach her that princesses are fairy tales, make up stories, and that she still has to work for what she wants in life.

Love this response says the Mom with her daughter in a tutu in her siggy pic. There's a huge difference between what I consider "princess" behavior (which, by the way, does no one say "bratty" anymore?) and dress-up. We discussed that Cinderella Ate My Daughter book in book club and the Glamour (Self?) article that was similar and honestly I think it's more BS than helpful. I don't condone the over-sensualization of our daughters, nor do I want to be a part of it, but dress up in play clothes from the Target dress up aisle, Goodwill, and Halloween costumes is far from over-sensualization in my book...and I live in the land of 4 year old cheerleaders in full drag queen makeup.... Anyway almost every mother I know thinks this way but these books/articles just serve to make us second guess every.damn.thing we ever wanted to do with our daughters in the first place -- dress up tea party? Sign me up!

roaringrock · February 2011

tell davez that a pretty tutu and silver tiara will not turn ava into a spoiled brat with ridiculous expectations. and if ava plays with a dumptruck in the sandbox she won't necessarily have a future in waste management.

just keep doing what you're doing, sunshine. you have a good head on your shoulders and ava will learn and grow beautifully with your experienced guidance.

JillRock96 · February 2011

I haven't read the other responses, and this is, of course, my opinion. To me, dress up is dress up. Ava loves to dress up as a princess (yes, we use that word in our house). She also loves to dress up as a construction worker, wizard, swimmer, chef, etc. etc. etc. She is obsessed with Disney princess movies, but she is also obsessed with cowboys/girls. She is incredibly "girly" -- but this is not something that we "did" to her. It is in the choices she makes, her personality. I've had this discussion with colleagues in psych before, and in my graduate work. I feel that to deny access to things that are "girly" is no less appropriate than pushing those things. To me, providing options, choices, and moderation is the key.

I even go so far as to call Ava "beautiful" when she's decked out in princess gear. I also call her beautiful a million other times a day, as well as strong, smart, kind, etc. I don't feel that "princess" is synonymous with spoiled or oversexed. It is a fantasy world. I certainly don't condone the "your prince will rescue you" aspect, but I don't feel the need to break Ava out of the fantasy world. She also pretends that animals can talk on a regular basis, which is obviously not reality -- again, fantasy world.

I honestly feel (as a society, NOT talking about the moms here) like way too much time and effort is devoted to what our kids can't/shouldn't be wearing/watching/playing with and not enough time to the role models they are seeing (in us!), the discussions we are having, the activities we are doing. I feel like Ava has two very strong role models, and my focus is on providing her with a supportive family that does things together, that talks about issues openly, and that loves her for who she is -- whether that person is a girly girl, a "tomboy", a transgendered individual, a homosexual, etc.

Jaclyn278 · February 2011

fallbride110406:
I think there's a very large difference between letting a kid be a kid and instilling princess/entitled behavior. The word "Princess" on a shirt, watching Cinderella or having a trunk of princess dress up clothes is not going to convince your kid that they're not going to have to work for anything and will meet Prince Charming and get happily ever after.
If my daughter wants to wear a pink princess dress and tiara while she picks up her room and does homework one day when she's 7, she's more than welcome to. We're still going to teach her that princesses are fairy tales, make up stories, and that she still has to work for what she wants in life.

This! I don't see anything really "wrong" with a girl wanting to do little girly things when they are a toddler or school age. I was an only child (biggest "princess" stereotype), played with barbies, went to dance school, blah blah blah...I never though prince charming was going to knock on my door and I deerved everything in life! I always worked throughout school and didn't have things handed down to me. I think its how little girls are raised, but I don't see anything wrong with a little girl who watches cinderella wanting to be cinderella during playtime with her friends and sing "one day my prince will come".

However I am curious about that book!

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