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Natural Birth
how to get over the loss of my not so natural birth...
So when I got pregnant I knew I wanted to go natural. We took a bradley class, and I was 100% sure I wanted to have the least amnt of intervention possible. Then came the problems with baby- IUGR, low amniotic fluid & decreased cord blood flow. I put off induction for about a month while doing very close monitoring, but at 37weeks I had to be induced b/c she was not doing well inside.( i did not take this litely at all, much debate & consideration when i agreed) SO i was induced friday with cervidil, put on piocint all day saturaday- contracted all day but did not really dilate. Sunday morning got "mechanically dilated" with a foley bulb in my cervix( horrible BTW) then they broke my water and put pitocin back on. Contracted all day, still w/o anything for pain, and then at 1030pm I was still nly 4cm and cx every minute, exhausted not able to relax AT ALL. Gave in to the epi, dilated to 10 in 15 mins, and pushed 5 times she was out. Had the epi turned off to push so I could feel and be able to push effectively.
I just find now I am very sad and still reliving, thinking about my labor/birth with negative feelings. I got almost every interention there was, and gave in to the epi. i just look back and feel like the only positive thing was getting my healthy daughter. truley, i feel like i failed. does this ever go away? anyone else go through this...
thanks
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Re: how to get over the loss of my not so natural birth...
*hugs* to you, mama! What a tough experience.
Even though you do have a healthy baby, it is okay to grieve for the birth experience that you did not get to have. It is really difficult when you plan for one thing, but life throws you a curve ball. Kudos to you for being able to roll with it and do what was necessary for your particular situation.
After all, that's all any of us can do - make the best decisions we can at the time given the circumstances.
Please don't feel like you failed, but rather feel that you did what you needed to do, even if it wasn't something you originally planned for.
You did not fail! You were given terrible circumstances and had to do what was best for the health of your daughter. And that makes you a wonderful mother.
That being said, it is perfectly ok to grieve what you didn't get to have.
Sounds like you were very active in making informed decisons regarding the birth and your baby's health.
You say that you got an epidural but you know what, it sounds like you were only on it for a short period of time. That's much better than getting an epidural for hours and hours. And guess what? It worked, you relaxed, dilated, and pushed your baby out.
You were able to avoid a c-section. Baby and momma are both healthy.
As a Bradley teacher I say, "good job, momma!"
It's normal and important to grieve for what you didn't have. It's okay to cry and aknowledge your feelings. Surround yourself with others that understand and won't bruh off your feelings. You need support you through this. Sometimes dads don't quite get it because they are just happy the baby is here. It can be helpful to talk to someone about it in person. Your Bradley teacher should be supportive or provide a recommendation of someone to talk to professionally. If you want to PM me, feel free.
Sometimes it's helpful to write a letter to your baby or to yourself. Apologize if that's what you feel like you need to do. And then burn or shred the letter.
But in the end know that you did everything possible and then some to try to get the birth that you desired. You probably worked harder than many of your other Bradley classmates. It just wasn't meant to be this time and you had to adapt to the situation. You did that with flying colors!
Congratulations on your baby's birth!
I had a low-intervention, med-free birth, yet still ended up with an episiotomy. I had really wanted to avoid that, and I struggled with it so much after the birth of my son. I was talking to my Bradley instructor about it, and she gave me the BEST piece of advice: It's ok to grieve it. You need to mourn that something happened that you didn't want to have happen.
I think you should be proud of the fact that you were informed about the possible complications of your pregnancy, and what would be best for delivering your baby safely. You are not a failure because something happened that was out of your control. BTW, laboring on pit without an epi is extremely difficult; there's a reason why they usually go together.
So, take time to grieve. You have a beautiful new baby girl, and know that you were informed to make choices that were necessary for her health.
It's frustrating when people just don't get it, right? You're allowed to feel disappointed, whether anyone understands it or not. It doesn't mean you're not happy about your daughter.
It sounds to me like you did what you had to do in order to keep your daughter safe and healthy, even when it wasn't in your plan- that's not a failure, that's what great moms do.
I too did not have the natural birth I had planned for. I had believed for years that I was going to be able to do it naturally. My mom, sisters, and friends did. However when the time came and I had to deal with my challenges I made the best decisions for me at the time. Sounds like you did too. You will never know if that natural birth you had envisioned would have turned out as perfectly as you had hoped it would. It could have been just as traumatizing as it was for a friend of mine. I tell myself that a lot. I know that the decisions I made led me to deliver my son vaginally...I did not have to have surgery and for that I'm thankful. He did not have to stay at the hospital for an extended time and I was good to go post delivery. Next time around I suppose I won't be so determined for one way to birth my baby.
I'm sorry your mourning the loss. It's good to recognize that pain and confront it so you can emotionally heal too. Labor and giving birth is the most intense thing one can really experience, you're bound to have feelings surrounding it. Hang in there.
eta: Love your DD's name...it's my niece's too!
Thank you for posting and sharing this very personal story. I am facing a possible c/s which is the LAST thing I want....but knowing others "mourn" what they wanted / missed out - makes me feel more normal. I feel much less alone now....
Big hugs to you and congratulations on your lovely little baby!
You are not alone. I got an epidural at 55 hours into my 63 hour labor and I still rethink it. At the time, it seemed like the path of least intervention. LO was OP and the OB on call at that point said he couldn't come out OP without a c/s...I was too small, my pelvis was the wrong shape, etc. Getting the epidural allowed me to try some natural things to get LO to flip from OP to OA in hopes of accomplishing a vaginal birth. Even with DH and our two doulas letting me know that this was a good choice, I cried when I got the epidural at the loss of the med-free birth experience.
In the end, LO wouldn't flip and I was able to deliver vaginally despite all of the nay-saying. I recognize that the epidural allowed me to rest enough to have the strength to push LO out. But, it came with some downsides: LO went into distress and to get him out ASAP the pushing phase was emotionally and physically traumatic. And, the other downside--it was the loss of the med-free birth when in retrospect I can see that it was possible to deliver him OP.
What I tell myself is that I chose the lowest intervention birth possible, given what I knew at the time. It sounds like you did, too. Each intervention was thought out as best as we could in the moment. I just wish that I could've seen the future and made different choices based on that. But, alas. I think that, in a way, forgiving myself--even if there is nothing to forgive-- was a key first step.
More Green For Less Green
You are not alone! My water broke at 37 weeks. I didn't have contractions on my own, and ended up agreeing to pitocin. I was told to stay in bed because my blood pressure was elevated and some of my lab work indicated borderline pre-e. Pitocin being ramped up every 15 minutes + being confined to bed = pure torture! After 6 hours of pit including 2 hours of nonstop contractions, I asked for the epi. After the epi, I dilated from 5 to 10 in about 40 minutes.
I definitely grieved the my birth experience. There are still a few things I think about that I wish I had done differently, but overall I think I've come to terms with it. I try to tell myself that maybe I needed the epi to relax through the pit contractions and finally dilate (it had taken me 14 total hours, 6 on pit, to get to 5), which may have helped me avoid a c section.