Is it rude to put restrictions on toys for your LO?

zhirsch · February 2011

Even before having a baby was a reality for me I decided that I didn't want every toy my child had to require batteries and have the ability to beep, blink, and play annoying songs. I would much prefer that the toys they play with involve the imagination, like blocks, legos, dolls, stuffed animals, play kitchens, play food etc. Also, even though I know most people will ignore this, have the toys made out of a more eco-friendly material - wood, cloth, recycled plastic.

My question is: is it rude to put restrictions on what other people buy your child? I don't want to seem ungrateful for their willingness to contribute, but at the same time I don't think I should have to compromise my feelings.

MommaA117 · February 2011

I don't think I would tell people what to buy my kid. I would just only buy the things I would prefer personally. Unless it's your parents maybe...

CCinLove · February 2011

I don't know about rude, but I would find it annoying. Be prepared for some people to ignore you and buy whatever they want, or buy nothing for your child.

I think the better way to handle it is discuss your preferences casually, and donate any toys that you don't find appropriate for your LO to charity.

wkfouts · February 2011

AprilLynn09:
I don't think I would tell people what to buy my kid. I would just only buy the things I would prefer personally. Unless it's your parents maybe...

Agreed.

laurmarie7 · February 2011

If people ask what you would like for your LO, just be honest and say that you'd love to have some of the things you mentioned. If they do get you something that you don't care for, then just return it and get something you'd rather have. I personally wouldn't put restrictions on it, unless I was doing it with people I'm VERY close to (ie, parents, best friend, etc).

mari_gold · February 2011

zhirsch:
I don't want to seem ungrateful for their willingness to contribute, but at the same time I don't think I should have to compromise my feelings.

I don't think there's any way around appearing ungrateful if you try to dictate what people can buy for your LO. It's a gift, not an obligation, you know?

If you get gifts you don't approve of, just thank the gift-givers and return or donate the toys. We've done that with a bunch of toys. I'm like you, I can't stand almost all the battery-operated/cheap plastic toys.

JaysonandKristin · February 2011

Yes, it's rude to restrict the general public, your close friends and family should understand.

However, many of the toys that blink, beep, sing "annoying" songs still foster imagination. And, they add another element of learning as well. Just thought I'd throw that out there. And, they all come with "off" buttons as well. So, in the event you get things that you didn't want, try to go with the flow. DS' fave toy is from Ikea, it's the small pole that you stack the circles on in order from largest to smallest. But, he still enjoys the music and animal noises that his see n' say makes.

jessicaclare · February 2011

If people ask, its fine to give suggestion, but I don't think I'd come out and list a bunch of things you don't like. That's pretty rude, IMO. If you want to limit what people give your kid, then limit gift giving occasions and don't have birthday parties, etc. Otherwise, there isn't much you can do about what people give your kid for gifts.

amahrey · February 2011

i guess i'm on the other side. dh and i both super stressed to our families that we didn't want plastic and noisy battery toys and gave them a bunch of websites/brands that had good, imagination based, open-ended play toys and wooden toys. we also told them that we didn't want any "mommy's little slugger" clothes and stuff with cartoon characters on it. no one ever acted like they had a problem with it and were happy to have a bunch of suggestions of stuff that we actually wanted. we made (and still keep) a wishlist on amazon that is full of great books and toys that would be good for ds.

i didn't really care if they thought it was rude. they don't have to buy him anything, and if they do, i would figure they would want to buy him something we would keep and use. i'm totally thankful for doing it to this day, and i have friends that wish their kids weren't begging for plastic junk but now they feel like it's too late to say anything to their families.

12bailey18 · February 2011

I wouldn't post any restrictions on baby shower invites but rather I would just let your wishes be made known by word of mouth. Or when people see your registry they will know what "style" of things you are looking for. I only think it becomes rude or tacky when you have it in writing what you want people to buy you. When people ask you what you need/want, that's the perfect time to let them know. Also, just something to think about- those toys that light up and play music aren't just pointless toys (although they may seem that way to us!) there are some really good ones out there that are great for their development, stimulation, etc. There really is a purpose behind the madness! Smile

lololoco · February 2011

Yes, I think that's rude. And never say never. You may be surprised how your opinion of this changes as your child ages.

mcwhittaker · February 2011

There is no easy way around it, you either tell them what you want, make sure you have a good registry they can follow, or be prepared to donate a ton of crap to charity. Most people that buy toys don't think ahead enough to enclose a gift receipt.

I prefer people not waste their money on something i have no intention of putting in my home.. but that's just me.

You could take the route I did, not have a shower, so gifts of unwanted crap never appear LOL

heather_09_15_07 · February 2011

lololoco:
Yes, I think that's rude. And never say never. You may be surprised how your opinion of this changes as your child ages.

zhirsch · February 2011

Thanks for your replies, and I understand what you're saying. I guess where I'm coming from is that in my family/friend circle it's pretty standard practice to ask the parents what the child would like at every gift giving occasion. I know for me, standing on the other side, I would be much more annoyed to learn that the toy I bought someone was donated rather than them just being more specific in the first place. If I'm going to spend money and energy on finding something I want it to be something that is actually going to get used - even if that means someone tells me (in a nice way) "please buy this or this, but NOT this."

SarahPLiz · February 2011

zhirsch:
Thanks for your replies, and I understand what you're saying. I guess where I'm coming from is that in my family/friend circle it's pretty standard practice to ask the parents what the child would like at every gift giving occasion. I know for me, standing on the other side, I would be much more annoyed to learn that the toy I bought someone was donated rather than them just being more specific in the first place. If I'm going to spend money and energy on finding something I want it to be something that is actually going to get used - even if that means someone tells me (in a nice way) "please buy this or this, but NOT this."

If someone asks you what to get your LO, then by all means point them in the direction of something you approve of. I think its rude to introduce the negative, though (well, don't get him this). My godchild has some very specific developmental needs. I ask his mother what to get him for every occasion and she gives me specifics (a certain movie, t-shirt, lego set etc). I appreciate her giving me direction. It would be rude, to me, if she said, "Don't get him any cheap plastic things that make noise".

If no one asks what to get, then like any other gift, you accept it graciously and move on.

txaggie2002 · February 2011

My brother and sister-in-law have always been very particular about the kinds of toys that my niece is allowed to play with. It makes it extremely difficult to shop for her, as I feel like everything has to be approved first. Annoying. There's no such thing as a surprise or buying something spontaneously because I think she would like it. I won't be having any rules for my child's toys/ gifts.

schmoodle · February 2011

zhirsch:

My question is: is it rude to put restrictions on what other people buy your child? I don't want to seem ungrateful for their willingness to contribute, but at the same time I don't think I should have to compromise my feelings.

Yes. I think it's fine to allude in conversation to the fact that you prefer certain types of toys, but I think it's obnoxious to dictate what someone can get your child as a gift. You might not want to compromise your feelings, but don't compromise a gift giver's feelings either. I don't think someone giving a gift to your child is a "willingness to contribute" to something that you dictate, a gift is a gift. If they ask what you want for the child (say, for a birthday or something) that's different, but if anyone told me what to buy/not buy their kid it would sour the whole idea of getting them a gift for me.

CCinLove · February 2011

Ditto pp. If people ask, feel free to be specific as you want. I think you should create an Amazon wish list to direct people to if you're close to them so they know specifically what types of things you're looking for. There is plenty of cheap plastic crap that fosters imagination; likewise, plenty of natural material toys that don't. Most of the toys you listed are not appropriate for an infant (dolls, legos, play kitchens), so people might have no idea what you DO want. Or they may not know where to buy more natural toys.

I don't think unsolicited requests are ever appropriate. I think most people with young children tend to gift toys their child liked. My go to gifts are toys that my son loved, so I gift them because I think other children will love them as well. I sometimes run the gift by the parent to make sure it won't be a duplicate, but I don't usually ask for recommendations.

PinkPearlGirl · February 2011

I don't think it's rude unless you make it rude. It's all about the approach. My DH and I prefer no plastic toys. It's an eco-friendly thing for us as well as an issue with chemicals/paints etc.

My friend who is hosting asked if there were any restrictions on gifts and I said, I'd prefer non-plastic toys, but if people bought them it wouldn't be a big deal. I figured we'd just take them back to the store.

I made it very clear to my family that we would really prefer no plastic toys, but that's because it's family and we felt comfortable telling them that.

My feelings are, if they are going to buy something, they're going to want to buy something that you will use. If I was going to spend money on a gift for someone, I'd like to know that my money is being spent on something they find useful.

momtoRaegan041008 · February 2011

Honestly, my child has blinking, beeping, annoying toys, but for the most part she plays with her legos, blocks, baby dolls, and play kitchen. She would rather be outside playing or riding her tricycle.

I would find it annoying if someone I knew put restrictions on what to buy their child. It's like saying whatever you buy for my child will never be good enough. If someone asks for suggestions, then suggest the certain toys you are planning to buy. If you are really going to be picky about it, just donate the toys that you don't think are appropriate and buy your child what you want them to have. Do you plan on putting your child in daycare? How do you plan to restrict them from playing with these types of toys there?

I think it is much more important to not allow your child to watch TV than play with some toys that blink, beep, or sing annoying songs.

alliapistor · February 2011

If someone asks you, I think it is fine to express your wishes. Otherwise, I'm wondering how this is going to work in practice.

For a baby shower, you indicate what you want (and most of it is not toys). Some people refuse to buy off of a registry and those people probably wouldn't honor your request if you told them.

Later down the road though - are you going to send out birthday invitations that say something like, "Come Celebrate LO's 2nd Birthday. See enclosed list of approved toys."

A gift is a gift and should be accepted graciously. What you do with it later is up to you.

kwhittington73 · February 2011

I have to say it is rude to dictate gifts unless specifically asked. What I have done is simply thank the person and then put the gift away to regift or exchange later.

Gifts are just that gifts, you should always be gracious in accepting others generosity.

grace_smith03 · February 2011

I think the best you can do is register for toys you want....lots of folks get the baby what they want anyways. (example, at my baby shower, i got like 50+ outfits; i didn't register for any clothes at all)

If they ask, you can certainly tell them..and be prepared to give them specific examples (ie, see registry). But there's no harm in bringing back stuff and getting exactly what you want. Annoying, sure. But doable.

damabo80 · February 2011

Is it rude? Yes.

With that said, if you receive a toy that you don't agree with, donate it to Goodwill, or if it's unopened, save it for the toy drives during the holidays. And get a tax write off at the same time!

Yellow_Daisy · February 2011

I wouldn't put restrictions on gifts, that is kind of rude. However, if someone asks just tell them what your LO wants and make it the things you want LO to have. If someone gives LO a gift you don't like or want them to have, thank them and later on donate it to charity.

skylooo · February 2011

I think it is rude and annoying. A gift is for the giver to choose, not the recipient.

kristennd · February 2011

My mother had a few toys that she would not allow us to have and never had any qualms about enforcing those rules. Then again, in our family there is very little present exchanging going on, which helps in so many ways. We were only receiving stuff from parents and grandparents. And I can't imagine our situation being very different now with this LO.

I understand that some people just love shopping, but there are other kids to buy for. It doesn't have to be ours. I do agree that just passing the items along to charity is often easier than trying to explain things.

thequeeenbee · February 2011

Yes, I think it's rude to tell people what they can and cannot buy for your child. If people specfically ask you about it you need to be careful how you phrase things. Say "We are really into the wooden, eco friendly type toys for baby" rather than "We don't like cheaper plastic battery operated toys because they aren't eco friendly".

Though I do think that you can get the hint across without seeming rude. I've thrown a couple of baby showers and we always include a small seperate piece of paper that can be removed from the shower invitation that has shopping and registry information on it. It could also include some of your favorite websites. Here's an example of what I'm talking about:

A few extra tid-bits of information:

Tabatha is registered at Babies R Us, Target, and Amazon.com.

Baby Vanessa's nursery is decorated in pink and yellow with butterflies.

Some of Tabatha's favorite baby sites are etsy.com, babiesrus.com, and ecomom.com

Please do not purchase any diapers and/or wipes with cucumber due to family allergies.

othello888 · February 2011

I don't think it is rude, I think it is responsible. Just because they market a toy for profit doesn't mean is a toy your baby should have. Parents do it when their children are older (no MA rating video games or Rated R DVDs, play guns, dirt bikes, etc). Why not start now setting boundaries?

If people are spending money on your kid, they don't want to waste their money, you know?

KatiKM · February 2011

I would say return the stuff you don't want.

JuneBug0611 · February 2011

This is a tough one. I found it rude/annoying when my sister put restrictions on gifts for her kids (the same ones you're talking about). It was sad that I couldn't get my niece toys that were some of my favorites when I was her age because they were plastic. But, she has made a few exceptions if I "make a case" for a particular toy and could explain why I thought it was something the child would really enjoy or why it meant something to me to be able to give it to them, and she always maintains an amazon wish list with books and toys on the approved list, so there are always plenty of ideas when a gift-giving occasion comes around. So it has been ok, just a little annoying.

Now that it's my turn to have kids, I see where she is coming from more. We have a small condo, so I definitely don't want any/many large toys. I also don't want my kids to have annoying noisy toys because they'll drive me bonkers. Honestly, we really don't want them to have all that many toys. I get so sick of going to homes where the house is overflowing with toys the kids don't even look at, and DH is very anti-consumerism. I agree that a few staples (blocks, dolls, trucks, craft supplies, etc.) go a long way. So I think we'll be expressing preferences to family who are going to want to give the kids presents on birthdays and holidays (books and clothes over toys, wood over plastic, nothing too big or too noisy), and will need to return/re-gift/donate gifts from friends that aren't appropriate for us.

I think that as the children get older, gift-givers should run certain gift ideas by the parents. Like not all parents want their kids to have a video game system, so if that's something you're thinking of getting them, you should run it by the parents so you don't cause world war III in the family when you give the gift to the child and the parents tell the child they can't keep it. There should be courtesy on both sides when it comes to gift-giving to children.

amy21tom · February 2011

laurmarie7:
If people ask what you would like for your LO, just be honest and say that you'd love to have some of the things you mentioned. If they do get you something that you don't care for, then just return it and get something you'd rather have. I personally wouldn't put restrictions on it, unless I was doing it with people I'm VERY close to (ie, parents, best friend, etc).

Yes

JuneBugsMommy · February 2011

AprilLynn09:
I don't think I would tell people what to buy my kid. I would just only buy the things I would prefer personally. Unless it's your parents maybe...

Same.

ktb31 · February 2011

Don't make a big deal about it, just exchange the gifts you don't want your child to have and if someone asks for specific gift ideas you can explain what you would like.

littlepoppyseed · February 2011

Creating an amazon.com wishlist would be really helpful in this situation - before baby is born and for any birthdays and holidays. I love that you can download the wishlist button to your browser toolbar and add ANY product from the internet. It doesn't have to just be something that is sold on amazon. We've made an awesome list of cloth diapers and eco-friendly toys from various websites and etsy.com and compiled it all together on the amazon list. So easy to point people to this list anytime a gift is going to be bought, than to tell them what you do/don't want.

We're trying to go much more eco-friendly and imaginative with toys this time around - hope the wishlist helps us!

maple2 · February 2011

Well, based on the responses, I guess I'm rude. We had similar feelings to you about the kinds of toys we preferred for DD, and I did let close family know. I can't imagine it was a surprise to any of them, since they know me pretty well. I didn't tell every person who was invited to a shower, but I also didn't register for any toys and most people followed the registry and/or threw in an outfit or some other practical item rather than a toy. As DD has gotten older, she has definitely gotten some things that I would not personally buy for her. For the most part, I'm okay with grandparents (and others) occasionally spoiling her with something I wouldn't buy, but also for the most part they respect our wishes and don't go overboard with stuff we would prefer not to have. I'm not sure what we'll do when she gets to the age of having birthday parties with friends, but I can't imagine I'll try to set or enforce any restrictions. So far, we have had very small, family celebrations, so it hasn't been an issue.

On further reflection, I wouldn't say that I put restrictions on what people could give DD, but I definitely let my preferences be known. I'm not incredibly strict about enforcing a no plastic rule, for example, so she does have a few things that other people have bought for her, but I also know she has a lot less of that stuff than other kids her age. So, I'm happy with the preference rather than restriction route.

ablou · February 2011

I think that making your wishes known through the traditional channels (via the shower host, etc.) is perfectly acceptable. Having it on a shower invite is not.

I hate the effing blinking light up talking toys, and won't let them in my house. My FIL (who was informed that we don't do electronic toys) bought Bean about $100 worth of "Oh, HELL no" toys for his birthday (with no gift receipt, of course). They're still sitting in the garage, waiting to be regifted.

My position on the electronic toys is more philosophical than ecological. I feel that they are making kids more of an audience to their own play, rather than active participants. I feel like they stifle creativity and imagination, and I don't let Bean have any of them. He can play with them at other peoples' houses, but we don't let them into ours.

We have lots of blocks, musical instruments, metal bowls, wooden spoons, stuffed animals, puzzles, and books that Bean loves to play with. He learns about creating sounds and music through actions that don't involve pushing a button.

kacelle · February 2011

I wouldn't put restrictions on what I'd allow people to buy, since it's a kind gesture for them to buy your LO a gift at all, but you can always restrict what toys you actually let your LO play with. I'd make your friends and family aware of your preferences, but just donate any toys you're given that don't fit your guidelines.

bunnymama625 · February 2011

what we have done so far is try to blame each other and put a good spin on it

DH and I each say the other one is really against plastic, blinking giant toys- we are both ok with it, and it keeps the rudeness down a level "Yeah, that's a neat idea, but you know DH, he's really into the mroe eco friendly toys"-- maybe it's a cop out, but it makes us each feel a little more comfortable stating our wishes.

We also make it extremely public when we hear about something we're interested in "Have you heard about GreenToys?? They are so great! We've fallen in love with everything they've got!"--

Still have awhile, but so far, only received 2 toys-- one I flat out returned (distant cousin I haven't seen in years) and the other we decided to keep as it's a small "dangle" toy and unlikely to go near baby's mouth. And we've gotten more organic stuff and cloth diaper supplies than we ever thought our uber-mainstream families would even look at!

I will totally be starting an amazon wishlist-- that's an awesome idea!

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