How Do You Feel About Fertiles Now?

patchen30 · February 2011

I'm just curious - now that you have your baby/ies, do you still ever feel bitter/sad/angry, etc. about fertiles? Does it every really go away?

oct11bride03 · February 2011

Nope, never goes away.

ladychicago · February 2011

Hi patchen! For me...it still stings, but not all the time. And it doesn't hit me as hard. The ones that really get to me are the ones that started trying for their first after we did, and now they have multiple children. I think it will get harder again if we deal with several failed treatment cycles for #2, but I have come to accept that we procreate with medicine and doctors. That is just our reality. But having DD does make a world of difference.

qtpa2t · February 2011

I can tolerate them better, but it is a foreign concept to me how easily they can think of having children. Good, bad or indifferent, I barely associate sex with having children any more.

krissyh21 · February 2011

Hmm. I have my moments like a mom I know from work who can not handle the SEVEN kids she has now, but just got married to a new potential baby daddy and would like one with him... but for the most part, I do not run crying from the sight of a pregnant belly or anything I felt at the final stages of not knowing if my last and final IVF would work.
I can't say I am over IF, it will always be with me, it created the reality that my family consists and will consist of just 1 child, but my heart is healed.

Germanwife2b · February 2011

I just coached a good friend of mine about TTC. She got her BFP last night after 5 months of trying. It stings....

So no, it doesn't seem to be going away for me.

DavezWife · February 2011

other people's fertility has never really bothered me that much. I was put to the test this month, however, when my adorable SIL announced she was 12 weeks along with her 1st... she's 39, they just started trying (just got engaged actually, good for them for doing things in the order they want!) and it happened quickly for them. I was worried I would be bitter, having just lost mine. But when she emailed me last night asking for advice about baby gear... I was smiling ear to ear.

Now what DOES slay me? A mom at the grocery store with 3-4 kids. I WANT that. And after my recent losses, we ate out of the pantry and freezer for 3 weeks b/c I avoided the grocery store like it was poison.

But no, I have enough bitterness and anger towards my body and my own situation. Getting to see others AVOID the pain I've got actually helps me remember that sometimes I just got the short stick, and that the universe is not out to get me. lol.

June24Bride · February 2011

Being angry and bitter gets you no where. And quite honestly I dont ever feel that. I just get sad, but mostly when people brag about how easy it was to get pregnant.

amberleeb · February 2011

It makes me cringe when they say we weren't even trying or it just happened so fast. That's when it hurts, if they keep there mouth shut it does not bother me too much.

MrsRyan61804 · February 2011

Nope, it never goes away.

I still hear BFP announcements and get jealous/upset.

Dams fertiles!!!

fallbride110406 · February 2011

I was never bitter, just more sad that it wasn't as easy for us as most people. I get sad sometimes that I may never get to be pregnant again, but I don't get angry or upset that others can get pregnant easier than I can. My lack of fertility has nothing to do with another's abundance.

kittylove · February 2011

It bugs me from time to time. Like the other day when one of the moms in our preschool class was complaining about her 4th healthy pregnancy. Talking about none of them being planned, and how hard it is going to be since this one is also a boy. She was complaining to the wrong crowd! It was me, a woman who adopted her 2nd child and is trying to adopt again, and a mother of IVF twins. I told her she should complain to another group of moms because her current audience wasn't going to have much sympathy for her.

edhid1 · February 2011

I actually laugh when people try and time when they are going to have a baby. "well I want a Fall baby so we will get pregnant either in Feb or March" OR "We have been trying for two cycles and it isn't working, I am panicking"

UGHH ..it annoys me to no end probably because it is such a foreign concept

newsbaby · February 2011

It still stings. I know of a teacher who had her first DC in June 2 years ago and is due with her second this May. I cant help but think that it was obviously planned that way and it makes me sick with jealousy.

caityr · February 2011

I def feel some lingering resentment about how easy things were for others. Its not all due to IF though. We took a long time to be ready for kids and that is where some of my regret lies. However...that said every time I look at dd I do not feel anything but joy. The preg announcements still sting though.

epphd · February 2011

Honestly, for me, it changed a lot. I feel like having the opportunity to carry, give birth to, and raise a child is what I wanted - and if others have it easier, well, I'm still a bit jealous of that. But the real visceral pain, jealousy, and yes, bitterness (at least I was bitter), for the most part went away. I can genuinely be happy for friends who are pregnant and who got that way easily.

And to be 100% honest, I don't think that any of us with children can say that we really get what those who are still struggling are going through. We obviously have been there and at one point of course we did get it. But we are on the other side now - we know that our story has a happy ending. We can never fully recapture the pain, anxiety, fear, and open endedness of primary IF. I made a vow that if I ever got pregnant I would never say to someone on the IF board "I know exactly how you feel." I did at one point... but I can't now.

missyjg · February 2011

I till get twinges of jealousy who it's easy for but, generally, I'm happy that people don't have to go through what we did. I wouldn't wish IF on anyone. But the people who have 8 or 9 kids and "accidentally" get pregnant again, honestly I think that would annoy me, even if I didn't have the struggle that we did to get to B. But before B I would often cry at seeing pregnant women and at times couldn't stand being around my very fertile sister in laws and sisters. But those feeling no longer exist despite the fact that our struggle continues.

choco_lab · February 2011

Yup. Still stings for me every time.

itsmevkb · February 2011

I come from a weird place on this question. To some I'm sure that I seem like a fertile. I didn't have any issues getting pregnant my first and third times (just my second, fourth and fifth times). I also never had any bitterness towards women who were having children because having already had my son, I wanted every woman who wanted a baby to be able to have one. That was until I miscarried twice. Since my miscarriages I have a lot harder time with pregnancy announcements and the like. I'm jealous that they get/got take home babies and I didn't. I'm hoping now that I'm past both of my EDDs that those feelings won't run quite so deep.

roaringrock · February 2011

I admit, I get serious pangs of jealousy when I see a pg belly. YES! I struck gold with ginny but I'm still painfully aware of MY infertility.

LALASEPT05 · February 2011

I guess I am in the minority but I rarely think about it anymore. Lots of times I think back to when we were trying and trying and going through treatments and I am so thankful we were successful. I continue to be thankful every day that they are healthy when I see how many women suffer even after being pregnant with health issues or preemies or losses or whatever someone is going through. I guess I just focus on this point on how lucky I am. Lucky that IVF even worked, lucky that I carried 2 babies to 36 weeks, lucky that they went home with us, and lucky that they continue to be healthy. God I just feel incredibly lucky and I can't believe I am on this side of it.

I think for me toward the end of our fertility journey after my first cancelled IVF I got to a point where I stopped feeling bitter or jealous exactly. I definitely had envy but not in a negative way. Like pp said you get to a point where you don't associate sex with making a baby. And I wanted there to be people out there that got sex to get pregnant - I wanted there to people out there that did not have to temp, or take meds, or injections, or IUI's, or IVFs. I wanted there to be people out there that didn't stress out after every follicle check and E2 check. I so didn't want it to be just a myth or urban legend. I wanted it to be true that sex = baby. And I didn't want anyone going through what I was going through bottom line.

Everyone processes it differently I think and although it always stays with you in some way.

xtencornfield · February 2011

I guess I never really felt bitter/angry/etc toward others who are more fertile than me and never really beat myself up either. I definitely had my very, very low points but I never felt despair. Probably because I know so many people that have medical problems in general (and learn about more and more people that do every day), it seems like if they aren't dealing with infertility now, they could very well be dealing with something more horrific down the line (or right now for all I know). Knowing what I know about my family's history, I'm just happy that in this day and age, we actually have the option to go through treatments. My great aunt had a few ectopics (the closest relative that I know of that also had an ectopic) and then was never able to get pg.

schmoodle · February 2011

epphd:

Honestly, for me, it changed a lot. I feel like having the opportunity to carry, give birth to, and raise a child is what I wanted - and if others have it easier, well, I'm still a bit jealous of that. But the real visceral pain, jealousy, and yes, bitterness (at least I was bitter), for the most part went away. I can genuinely be happy for friends who are pregnant and who got that way easily.

I agree with this completely. I still may have a twinge of negative feeling when I hear how easy it is for someone to become, or plan to become, pregnant, but it's more like a minor annoyance along the lines of "that must be nice" that lasts about 30 seconds versus the searing pain it used to be. It was literally a revelation to me when my friends/family got pregnant after Toodle was born and I was able to see what it felt like to TRULY be happy and excited for them without the pall cast over it by my own pain. I'm still amazed at the positive feelings I can now have for others in light of how I used to feel (and I wasn't mad at them then or angry at them, just so sad and bitter about the situation).

Mrs.LisaP · February 2011

My feelings towards fertiles havent changed at all. I am still jsut as jealous and bitter as I was when I was in the middle of IF now. I'm not sure that will ever change. Maybe once I am out of reproducing age?

emiannie · February 2011

I'm able to be happy for people who are pregnant. It's difficult some times and not difficult others. I think for me it's hard now because I wish we could start trying again and we're just not ready financially. But that's all me...it has nothing to do with other people's fertility. My cousin has said to me several times "My body was made for making babies." which cuts me to my core. But aside from her, I'm genuinely happy for people who are pregnant. Jealous, but not of their fertility. :-)

skoorbnibor · February 2011

no, it never goes away

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