"Marrying" your DH's family?

JOEBunny · February 2011

Do you think that you "Married" your DH's family?

I didn't even meet DH's family until we were engaged, and we dated for over 4 years. I still have probably only visited with his father maybe 10 times in 7 years and his brother and his family maybe 5 times. I definitely did not marry them and don't feel like I am responsible for keeping in touch, doing things for them, ect. I am happy to help out if DH ask, but it is not something he expects of me. They are perfectly nice, but very different from DH and my family.

wifeandmama · February 2011

Definitely not, but my husband isn't close to his family. He talks to his dad.. I do email him about parties, etc and call/write his grandmom but that's about it.

Daisy77 · February 2011

Nope. I married DH. And I don't appreciate their drama being dragged into our marriage for us to be involved it (if they would expect one of us to side with them...it's happened)

But I treat them like my own family and expect the same in return. I'll take care of certain things (like buying a card for DH's uncle who is in the hospital) but they need to involve me if they expect me to participate you know? Oftentimes they tell DH something and I guess they figure we have some telepathic messaging system, lol.

mandymack · February 2011

DH is an only child, his father had passed away years before we even met, and his mother was disabled/a home-body so, while dating/married and still living in TX, we only saw her a handful of times though DH would call her weekly.

His mother passed in Jan 2007 so, DH has no family left to speak of as he was never close to his aunts/uncles and the 2 cousins he has.

I never really felt like I married DH's family.

JaysonandKristin · February 2011

Yup!! Sure did. I am very happy to say that with him came a very active role in his very normal, well adjusted family. I love my ILs - even my BIL's wife is awesome. Nobody oversteps boundaries, we all get together when ever possible. They call to ask for favors and I do the same.

I think the only downside of being so close, or being part of such a great family is that it makes the holidays very hard on us when we try to decide which family to spend which holiday with. BIL/SIL and their 3 boys live in Oregon, while the rest of us, including my family all live in close proximity here in CA.

lms_bride · February 2011

Did I marry my husband's family? No. But, do I need to deal with them and accept them in our lives as they are? Yes. He is fairly close to his parents (divorced, but local) and his brother, so we see all of them about once/month. My husband is fairly reasonable about doing things with/for them and isn't particularly social anyway, so I end up taking care of things like buying cards, gifts, etc. I don't mind most of the time.

In terms of in-laws, I could have done a lot worse. I don't necessarily feel I have a lot in common with them, but they're all pretty easy to deal with and there's not too much drama.

mrsfirefly · February 2011

I've been thinking about this topic a lot lately actually. DH's family irks me in a lot of ways, but MIL is ill and they are both pretty old. DH says I should visit them with DD sometimes during the week. I dislike the idea for many reasons and prefer to only visit with him. But then I've been thinking about the commandment to honor your father and mother. DH and I are Catholic, so we view our marriage as a sacrament, more than just legal, a covenant with God. Based on the fact that this is a sacrament and on this commandment, I think that I should be honoring his father and mother just as would my own. Now, I'm not saying I unconditionally love his parents. If he had evil parents or parents who had done bad things, I would honor them as appropriate (meaning not much), but that's not who they are so despite the fact that they do a lot of things that rub me the wrong way, I think I'm in the wrong by not treating them as my family. Plus they are now DD's grandparents just as much as my parents are her grandparents, and that has taught me to love them in a new way.

Stacyc625 · February 2011

Definitely not- but DH isn't close to his family. He gets just as irked if not MORE than I do about their antics.

ali-1411 · February 2011

No. DH isn't very close with his family and I don't have any contact with them.

ArcticFox · February 2011

YES. But because DH allowed them to directly or indirectly control our lives.

The basic idea of it.. DH's mom didn't like our wedding plans (get married in Mex and come home to have an AHR), so instead of even discussing it with us, she cut us off. Not only that but my mom was in bad condition in the hospital and she passed away 6 weeks after our wedding.

Fast forward, 3 years later to my baby shower.. she shows up, no apology or anything.. acted like she hadn't had a tantrum 3 years prior. The worst part, she didn't even acknowledge, EVER, that my mom died. DH didn't tell her why it was wrong her her or that she needed to talk to me about it/apologize, and it turned into an ongoing issue with a whole year of fighting.. it was the worst year of my life .. and then DH's mom walked out on him again over something stupid (she didn't agree on a television he was giving her advice on).

FIL.. has borrowed thousands of $ .. freeloads.. does other stuff that irritates me to no end (and DH too).. yet obviously DH 'let' it happen.

Another part of it all was DH making me spend SO much time with his family. One Xmas, it wasa Sunday and I was 9months preg, the ILs wanted us there at 7am, and we live an hour away. I was not about to get up at 5am to get there at 7am. So we 'compromised' and got there about 8 am.. and stayed til 11pm.. and I had to work the next morning. Plus I was so pregnant and miserable, I had been going to bed at like 9:30pm. DH really needed to step up and tell them look, my wife needs rest. It was also like that with his mom, I 'had' to have lunch with them every week, if not more than 1x a week. I know that seeing family an equal amount is a big deal for a lot of couples. Oh and DH's mom called us constantly, up to like a dozen times a day. Agh!!! And like 7am on a Saturday! Not normal!

Fortunately now, after everything that has happened, he sees it in perspective, so I think he gets it, how extrme everthing used to be. And he stands up to his family. So yes, we used to be 'controlled' by my inlaws, now we aren't.

istalkgeeks · February 2011

I don't feel like I did really. They are very nice and I am very friendly with his sister. I think his dad and mom would like me to be chattier with them, but I honestly just don't feel any reason to. I will talk on the phone with his dad when he asks my DH to give me the phone. In the 4ish years we've been together, I have only seen them maybe 10 times.

jnksmom · February 2011

Not really. DH is not as close to his family as I am to mine and we do not see them as often as my family. DH and his dad did not have any contact for several years...we just started talking to them and seeing them occasionally about a year ago. MIL and I get along but we have definitely had our ups and downs. SIL and I were friends in HS and get along well. If we lived closer we would probably be closer but she is the only family member of DH that I would say I am "close" to.

Temp174496125006552 · February 2011

Do I feel like I "married" them? No. What I do I feel like is that they are a huge part of DH's life (and now mine, Jordan's and Ben's) and that I need to respect that and include them in our lives. Fortunately, I get along well with his family and they have been nothing but good to the kids and I. His mom and I have had our issues in the past, but I feel like after the last blow up (a few years ago), we've both been working hard at the relationship and things have gotten better. I can honestly say that I love his parents and his sisters.

MrsBalletStar05 · February 2011

I'm pretty close with DH's twin brother and his older sister, definitely more so than my own siblings. I think the reason for this is that they are closer to my age and my siblings are much, much older. By the time I could remember anything, most of my siblings had moved out. Most of them were married by the time I was 9.

I keep up with them, the same or even more so than DH does. I also probably talk with his mom and grandma more too. Neither of us are THAT close with our families though. While we both had fairly large families (siblings, aunts, uncles, cousins) no one has ever lived that close to one another. Even though a lot of both our families live in Iowa, they are spread out all over the state - and then there is extended family that lives all over the place.

seells · February 2011

Yes. We facebook/text/call all the time. I've known them sense I was 15 so I've grown up with them. They are definitely my family. I love how close I am with his family. I call my MIL more then Dh does. Lol.

lbaby08 · February 2011

I did whether I wanted to or not!

DH is really close to his family and being that they are all boys his mom was desperate for a girl to bond with. I was 17 when we started dating and ate all the attention up. We moved away right after we got married and I think the separation was good for all parties involved. I think they would have us all living in a family compound if they could get us to agree to it.

They are all really nice people and we have a great relationship but the distance factor keeps mommy and daddy from interfering too much.

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