XP: Sister pregnant, wanting to help . . .

desmerelda317 · February 2011

But I also don't want to overstep my bounds. WWYD? She's pregnant with her second and wrote on her facebook that she isn't allowed to have a VBAC because of the circumstances regarding her c-section with her daughter. Namely, her daughter, who was just 6 lbs. and 7 oz., got "stuck." But the truth is, my sister was induced and only ever dilated to 8 cm. She never got fully dilated and never pushed and was on her back in bed the entire time (which is the worst position for making a wide opening in the pelvis), so I do not comprehend how a doctor could tell my sister that her baby was "stuck" and was "hitting her head against the bulbous" (does anybody even know what that means? What is the bulbous?) and therefore needed an emergency c-section, and is also, therefore, a very poor candidate for VBAC. I cannot tell if my sister is upset at not being allowed to have a VBAC or if she doesn't care and would actually prefer the c-section. On the one hand I do know that my sister is utterly convinced that the doctor saved both her life and the life of her daughter. My personal opinion is that the c-section was non-emergent (my niece was not in any distress and the only indication for c-section was a "failure to progress" and my niece being "stuck") but I would NEVER tell my sister that. I have no desire to ruin her opinions on the birth of her daughter. And this is what leads me to believe maybe my sister really does want the second c-section, which is a valid choice and I wouldn't blame her for choosing it. But on the other hand, the fact that she even mentioned VBAC leads me to believe that maybe she has some interest in it and I could be of help by sending her resources on CPD and how it is really hard to diagnose and is often diagnosed incorrectly and there's a really good chance that my sister is a GREAT candidate for VBAC.But I don't want to overstep my bounds and be that annoying sister who puts her nose where it's not wanted! I guess at the least I could send her an email with some resources and then leave it at that and let her make her choice. Would you think that was rude if you were my sister?

Lisa and Mickey · February 2011

I would ask her. Mention what you saw on fb and ask if VBAC is something she would want if it were possible. If she says she would I would just continue to talk about it to see how important it is to her. If it is something that seems pretty important, I would urge her to meet with a VBAC friendly dr just so she can see what they say.

nosoup4u · February 2011

I would talk to her in person or over the phone to gauge how she feels about her dr. not supporting VBAC instead of just sending her links about it out of the blue. I would only do it then if she explicitly says she wants to pursue a VBAC.

I have a sister who's had c-sections for all three of her kids (the first was bc of likely malpositioning, the others bc her OB convinced her she can't give birth vaginally), and we just don't try to convince each other of our different birth choices. Sometimes it's not worth the drama, if that makes sense. hth

papagena · February 2011

Well, first of all, I'd say it is an incredibly emotional topic, so I would tread lightly. If it were me, I'd probably say that I support whatever she wants to do (which it sounds like you do) but since she'd mentioned VBAC you thought she may be interested that you saw XYZ information about CPD being hard to diagnose and perhaps point her to some online resources if she's interested in find out more (here, the ICAN site, etc).

My biggest warning - my mom has mentioned a few times her worries over VBAC and how if they tell me to get the c/s, I should just do it (which, with my current doctor, ok, but if I was with my old OB, ) and it's made me much more reticent to go to her about emotional issues with this pg. Whatever you do - make sure she knows you fully support whatever her decision is and you don't have any preconceived notions of what is 'right' or even safer for her. (sorry about the mini vent!)

lorryfach · February 2011

If someone had sent me resources in an email like that, I'd probably have deleted them without reading, tbh. I would just mention it, in person or on the phone, and gauge the reaction, as someone else suggested. "I saw you mention VBAC on your FB. I didn't know you had been considering that!" If she sounds like she's bummed about not getting it, you could suggest getting a second opinion. I'd avoid making comments that make her current doctor sound bad at all (even the thinly veiled "a lot of doctors do thus and such" stuff), but just focus on how she might feel better knowing she explored all her choices, kwim? If she expresses interest in a second opinion, then you can guide her to ICAN to find the right person to get it from.

desmerelda317 · February 2011

Thanks for the replies, Ladies. They really gave me some insight. Papagena, that is exactly what I'm trying to avoid. Like I said in my OP, I don't want to be *that* person who is constantly preaching the "right" way to give birth and not listening to what my sister wants/desires. That is my fear in even trying to broach the subject;I don't want to come across as insensitive or unsupportive of whatever she decides. Thanks again for all the help

userdeleted · February 2011

You sound like a really good sister

Like pp said, I would just ask how she's feeling about it. If she sounds totally fine with a repeat c, just drop it. I am all for people being happy with their birth choices, and I know you wouldn't want to accidentally make her upset - especially if she does still want to have the RCS. If she seems like she really wants a VBAC you could probably delicately mention that it still might be possible.

Good luck to you and your sister!

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