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Feeling guilty

RandiDeeAnnRandiDeeAnn
in VBAC

Hi ladies. I haven't been on in a while because I didn't have Internet for a while. My first birthing experience was horrible, and I still do feel cheated. Plus Jana's first year was awful (if you can imagine colic times 1000 for 7.5 months, then high maintenence baby). I love her to peices, but I still feel like I haven't bonded with her like I should. It took a long time to bond in the first place. I really didn't in the hospital.

I do want another baby, but I feel guilty because I feel like it will be an attempt at redemption. I had a non-medically necessary c/s (not by choice-long story); she wouldn't breastfeed easily at all; she quit bfing at 9.5 months, and bonding was and is tough. I want to feel close to her and not like LO#2 is a do-over.

We are still at a minimum 1.5 years from TTC again, but I can't stop thinking about another pregnancy, VBAC, breastfeed, CDing a newborn, etc. What the heck is wrong with me?

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Re: Feeling guilty

  • changingnameschangingnames member

      I'm really sorry that you are going thru this.  I think that your grief about things not going as you hoped in the hospital is very real and it would probably help both you and ultimately Jana if you talked to a therapist about it- just so you can get those feelings out there and some advice on ways to move past it with her.  On the upside you have a 1.5 yr to get your head on straight about this b4 you ttc again anyways.  I have no doubt that with some work you can be in the right headspace and when you do have LO2 you will KNOW it is not about a redo.  You may not want to repeat yoru birth experince with Jana but you may come to see it as a beautiful thing, of course you want it to be "better" the next time around.

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  • ryemoryemo member
    I suspect that becoming a parent even in a best case scenario is exhausting/frustrating/boring much more than we expected. They are hard work and sometimes it feels like our only immediate reward is more hard work. I know what it feels like to top this off with a difficult birth ending in a CS and BFing troubles to boot. It was only when I got pregnant again and something shifted hormonally or I was able to have faith in my body for the first time since my CS that I realized I had been depressed since DD's birth. I think you often don't see depression in the moment, especially when having a little one is so hard. So stop being so hard on yourself and consider talking to a therapist.
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  • RandiDeeAnnRandiDeeAnn
    I have talked about it some to my PCP, but was terrified to take the meds he prescribed. Therapy is really out of the question for us, but I may look into a support group. Maybe the local ICAN will be able to help even though we aren't TTC, yet. Thanks ladies. I just needed some assurance that these feelings aren't "wrong."
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  • ryemoryemo member
    I wouldn't be afraid to take the meds. In fact, knowing now that I am prone to PPD I plan on having my MW ready to prescribe them if needed.
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  • MAprincessMAprincess member

    imageryemo:
    I wouldn't be afraid to take the meds. In fact, knowing now that I am prone to PPD I plan on having my MW ready to prescribe them if needed.

    I agree with this.  If you spoke to your doctor and they prescribed you medication for what you told them, then you should really take them.  There is no shame in that. 

    Also, your local ICAN meeting will be very therapeutic.  I went to one yesterday and heard some interesting stories, but it was great to be in the company of people who understood.  That doesn't mean that you should disregard the suggestion of your doctor, though.  I think both together would really help you.

    I have come to peace with my CS.  I did that before I VBACed my DD.  Both births were unique and produced two healthy babies!

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  • nosoup4unosoup4u member

    Aw, it does sound like therapy or some medication might help for the long-term. DS1 had a pretty rough beginning also (unplanned c-section, and then he was in the hospital for his first week for a suspected infection that we don't think he really had), and he was a much, much grumpier baby than DS2 is shaping up to be. And I was working through my own issues surrounding his birth for that first year, so it just made everything stressful and not happy a lot of time.

    You might want to check out this forum: https://www.solaceformothers.org/mothers-forum.html, it's for women who've had rough/traumatic births, I'd be willing to bet there's other women there who are dealing with similar issues. Take care!!

    DS1 - Feb 2008

    DS2 - Oct 2010 (my VBAC baby!)

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  • RandiDeeAnnRandiDeeAnn
    Aw thanks ladies. I forgot to mention that the doctor actually "prescribed" group therapy, too. He just kept forgetting to find groups for me. I wanted to take the meds, but on the warning, they said may cause drowsiness and DH is a heavy sleeper. So I was terrified that LO would need something and we wouldn't hear her. That is the only reason I wasn't taking it. So as for right now, we are in between insurances (DH's new job) and have moved (no new PCP). So I don't know if I should bring all this up to get a new script at a new doctor or even how to do it.
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  • ryemoryemo member
    I definitely think that it is worth bringing up to a new doctor. Just saying that your prior PCP had suggested you take these meds and you wanted to discuss/consider it with your new PCP. If you find its making you too drowsy, you can always ask the doc to adjust the dose or prescribe something else.
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