I don't even know where to start...
... I guess with an intro. I am a mom of two beautiful girls, 4.5 years and 1 month old. I have the "prize" two healthy babies, a supportive husband, and I get to stay home. Until I went on bed rest with my second (first was a premie and second tried coming at 27 weeks) I worked as an adoption specialist. So, I know there are people who have much harder roads to becoming a parent than I do. Which makes me feel like an @$$bag for even whining about my issue.
But here it is: I always thought I'd have a natural delivery. First was breech and an emergency, and second did not fit my doctor's requirements for a VBAC (head wasn't fully engaged and I was bleeding he told me after that my old incision was so thin when he got in there that I was close to rupturing). You would think (logically) that I would just be happy to have a full term, healthy baby (since my last was in the NICU and the first time I held her was a week after her birth) and happy to be alive and healthy myself. But I'm not. I can't get over the c-sections.
Here's the nitty gritty of how I feel: I'm angry. I'm angry that other women get to do it, teenagers do it in public bathrooms for pete's sake. Hell, today I'm angry because bump doesn't have a c-section board to turn to. I'm jealous. I'm jealous of women who get to do it. I'm jealous that their husbands get to be there for that coaching them through it. My husband just watched me lie on a table while a fat nurse with ugly blue eye makeup pushed my baby out while my doctor pulled on her (I've seen the pictures of this). I'm jealous every time I hear a husband say something like "I just look at my wife so differently, I never knew she was so strong." I feel disconnected from the birth. It was like I was in a different room. I couldn't feel anything, I couldn't see anything, I just heard it from behind a curtain. Like an someone eavesdropping on an intimate moment who shouldn't have been there. But most of all I'm devastated because our newest addition is our last child and now I'll never know what it feels like.
I'm trying like hell to just keep it together, but I need to know that I'm not alone, and I need to know that eventually I won't feel this way. I held on to the hope of a VBAC for four and a half years... it kept me going and now I'm crashing.
My husband says I need to look at their births like a wedding. It's just a day, an event. But parenting (like marriage) is a lifetime. And he is amazing because he says things like "so you have complications with pregnancy, and you didn't get your chosen birth but you're the best mom I know." He's even said that I'm better at parenting than my MIL. But nothing he's saying is helping me when I get down.
Re: I don't even know where to start...
I'm sorry I don't have any advice b/c I've never been in your situation, but I am sending you prayers for finding peace with your children's births.
Have you considered talking to a therapist?
There was a discussion on thebump maybe 2 months ago and people were discussing how "different" their "stuff" was after vaginal delivery with one lady even describing her "stuff" as frankencrotch!
I was disappointed I didn't get to do a vaginal delivery but wow am I thankful I'm still the same down there! No problems with sex, incontinence, being sewed up wrong down there, etc. I'm not "looser". Sorry to be so blunt and hope I didn't offend anyone but there is a lot that could've happened with a vaginal birth and you'd never be the same again.
Next time you're enjoying your DH, I guess try to realize that it very well may not have ever been the same had you had a vaginal delivery.
I'm sorry I just don't know what to say to make you feel better about this. Fate does what it will and thankfully fate brought you a loving DH and two healthy wonderful children to cherish. Their births came and went and what is, is. I guess fate chose a c-section for us, because otherwise our LOs wouldn't have made it out healthy had we had a vaginal delivery. The end justifies the mean and I treasure the simple fact that my LO is happy and healthy no matter what I had to go through to get her here.
I share some of what you're feeling. I'm not angry about my c/section, but there are definitely things I wish could have happened. I really wanted to know what it was like to have a baby placed on my chest immediately after birth, which didn't happen, and may never happen. I know my husband wanted to cut the cord, and I wanted more than anything for him to do that. I also know he was really looking forward to going out to the waiting room and announcing the gender and name to our families (we were team green), which also didn't happen because she was born at 1:44 am. I wish with everything in me that those things could have happened for him.
I imagine though, that your husband looks at you as incredibly strong. While we didn't have to push our LOs out, and in my case, I was never experienced the pain of really active labor, c/sections aren't easy. are difficult in different ways, but I truly believe we are no weaker than those who give birth vaginally.
Stay strong and know you are a good mother. I hope in time, you are able to heal and your anger and disappointment lessen.
You should check out the website "Postpartum Progress". There are all types of emotional issues women deal with related to giving birth and pregnancy. Even though what you are feeling may not be PPD, it sounds like a form of it. There were so many women on the website who described feeling exactly like you do.
The important thing to remember is that you just went through a lot. You carried a child in your body, then you had a traumatic delivery (which was not at all what you had hoped for) and that's hard for you. Your hormones are all over the place. Sometimes having a child is not all smiles and roses.
Talk to your doctor. Then find a good therapist (if necessary, many therapists work on sliding fee scales). And tell your hubby how very wonderful he is. His advice about the birth being just a day is so true!
Good luck mama!!! It gets better, I promise!
Postpartum Progress has become my new favorite site in the last week.
I'm sure your husband looks at you with amazement from carrying two children, no matter how they were born. Getting cut open and being awake during the process is no easy feat. I had two c/s, and freaked out so much during them that I had to be sedated. I do remember #1's birth, but I was in and out of sleep during #2's birth and don't remember much of it. I struggled a bit with the "what if" feelings after #1, but eventually I realized it didn't change her feelings about her life, or how she views me as her mother. I'm still the one who comforts her, feeds her, plays with her, no matter how she was born.
Keep in mind that most births don't go as planned, even vaginal ones. There are lots of women who are disappointed with tears, epi fails, etc. No birth is glamorous. GL coping and try talking to a therapist if your negative feelings continue.