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Parenting after 35
I am desperate! Help with my almost 3 yo (long)
I am in desperate need of advice. My DD is almost 3 and is in a stage where she wants to do everything herself. Of course, I realize this is normal for her age and is a sign of her efforts to establish her independence and her desire to have more control over her life. However, it is become completely disruptive to our lives and I have no clue how to deal with it. She will throw a fit at the drop of a hat if we do something she wants to do - I'm talking things as simple as turning on the light when we walk into a room. She goes from calm to hysteria in a matter of seconds unless we turn the freaking light back off and let her do it. The biggest battles are over her clothes; getting her to change out of and into PJs is a huge ordeal almost daily. Today, as an example, she nearly missed going to preschool because I couldn't get her dressed. It started out fine - I asked her what do we do first, and she correctly said to change her clothes. And I let her choose what to take off first and she was doing fine, but then she put her pants on backwards and when she pulled them off to turn them around, they became inside out. And she wanted to fix them herself, with no help from me, but of course she doesn't know how. And everything just fell apart at that point. I ended up leaving the room several times, telling her she couldn't go to school and would therefore miss the Valentine's Party today (which I am the room mom for, so obviously I have to go) and each time, she would cry and scream and say she was ready to get dressed, but when I went back into her room it was just more of the same. In the past I've resorted to forcibly stuffing her into her clothes but it is almost impossible and I hate doing it because I don't like using physical strength against her - I think it sends a bad message. But at times it has been my only option to get her clothes on her.
I know I have somehow given up my authority at some point here and I need to help her understand that sometimes she has to let Mommy do things, she can't do everything herself. But I'm at a total loss about how to get that message across. What strategies have you used with your 3 year olds for this? How can I get her to do simple tasks without it turning into a huge battle??? I am truly miserable because I feel like I spend so much time fighting with her her or storming out of her room to avoid yelling at her - I cling to my patience as much as possible but she just won't relent and I get so frustrated I can't stand it.
Please help me get some control over my own kid before I turn into a madwoman.
Eleanor Paige, born 3/27/08
Noah Christopher, born 10/2/10
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Re: I am desperate! Help with my almost 3 yo (long)
I could have written this entire post myself a couple months ago. It has taken time, but when DD#1 gets into those moods where she just loses all control and insists on doing everything, I just wait until she's calm enough and discuss how she can't do everything herself yet because she's still little. When she gets bigger she can do more and more. Until then, we (mommy and daddy) will help her and she should not get upset when we help. DD#1 would throw fits when I did let her do something herself and she couldn't do it or was having trouble (like the pants going inside out). Again it took a lot of calm explanation that when things get difficult she can ask for help and we will be happy to help her. It is getting better, but she still has fits if we close/open a door, turn a light off or on, hold her jacket to put on, etc. The fits have gotten to be a little less dramatic and she's calming down much faster because I try not to get upset.
Another tip that I have found very helpful is to take these tantrum moments before they really get going and make a joke. Tickling, funny noises, pretending to get tangled in the pants, etc. Anything to lighten the moment to distract from the beginning tantrum and then readdress what was trying to be accomplished.
3 is the worst and best age all at the same time. Honestly.
DD#1 - January 2008
DD#2 - September 2010
Ouch! I get you!! K has her moments, they seem to be getting better...but when she's tired, hungry or really wants her way, she drops to the floor like she's been knocked over and cries, or gives me the angry face, yells, "I'm going to my room, don't follow me, I'm crying!" Both I've had to fight laughing, because it's soooo dramatic!
What seems to work most of the time is to let K think she's in charge. I started off giving her two choices...like this shirt or that shirt, that sort of thing. I helped her dress until she wanted to do it herself. I let her, and resisting temptation to help when she got stuck or clearly needed assistance, I asked her first (making it her choice). I also worded it so she would know what the problem was, not just hey your stuck, like "Oh, stop for a second, your head is caught in the arm hole, do you need me to help". Sometimes she says yes, but lately she says, oops, and fixes it herself.
When you're not in a rush, let her do as much on her own as possible. You're right that it feels like you're letting go of your authority, so make it about what needs to happen and what she can do to help. If her thing is to turn on the light and she can't reach, ask her to help and lift her up.
I guess the whole thing is, at 3 they're all about me, and they love to help. Use it to your advantage. She's going to be able to (mostly) dress herself soon, and gain more skills. If you are okay with things not being done to your standards, let her try. If she spills, get her to clean it up. If her bed needs to get made, get her to do it, etc. If you need to get ready to be somewhere at a certain time, let her know that you are going to do xyz and she needs to be dressed, or you'll help her.
And if you find that either of you is ready to blow, give each other some space and come back when you're calmer. I can't promise it's always going to be easy, but it will get better! If it gets too crazy, you can come be crazy with me, I have cookies and coffee!! GL!! You'll do fine!
OMG, this sounds so familiar. We do a couple things to avoid the meltdowns and deal with them:
* give her choices, as many as we can. "do you want this shirt or that shirt?", "which toothbrush do you want to use?", "which of these hairclips?", etc. Sometimes she will announce she wants to wear a dress instead of pants and as long as the weather is okay and there is one clean, we go with it.
* I will allow her to do part of her outfit herself. Like "why don't you take off your pj bottoms and underwear and I'll get you some fresh clothes?" or "could you please put on your underwear and pants?" Shirts a little tougher so at night when we have time, we practice with the pjs but otherwise, in teh morning, I handle those, saying we are taking turns. So figure out what she can do herself in a reasonable amount of time. I am not above taking her out in her PJs and changing her at school kicking and screaming. She knows it. I don't have to raise my voice or anything but she knows mommy means business.
* when she does start freaking out like "no, I wanted to turn on the light" or "no, I wanted to pick my fork", etc., I just reframe it for her. "Okay, so you don't scream -- that's not polite. Just say 'mommy, I'd like to turn on the light myself please.'" or whatever the item is. She repeats it, I respond calmly like "of course you can, go ahead" and it's over. It gradually is lessening the amount of freak-outs because she knows another way to easily accomplish her goal.
* when she really pushes back on something, it comes down to choices. If she doesn't make a choice, I tell her calmly I will make it for her. That usually prompts a choice. The other thing I do is if she starts fighting my choice and it's one I have to make, I point out that she got to make lots of choices today (juice or milk, shirt, etc.) and that it's my turn now. And there is no nonsense. I count to 3 and that works. I try to keep very calm and just enforce consequences as they occur (like bugging me for candy when I said no means no candy for the whole day). Stuff like the not getting dressed (we get that with not wanting to go to school sometimes) is a "there's not a choice about that. You have to go to school. Now you can help choose your outfit or I will choose it for you. Which do you want?"
* don't be afraid of some rewards. DD gets juice once a day -- a juice box I pick up on the way to the car out in the garage. So she doesn't get it UNTIL she gets to school and can't even get her hands on the box until we're ready to go into the car. It works.
ETA: I use a lot of Love & Logic and there's a great book for early childhood. I've heard good things about 1-2-3 Magic (which I haven't read although I count like they advise). Also, there are books about parenting a spirited child that are good if needed.
DD -- 5YO
DS -- 3YO
DD -- 5YO
DS -- 3YO