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2nd Trimester
In-laws not wanting to attend baby shower... My hurt feelings..
To make a long story very short... I have no idea what happened, or why they have always seemed to shun me, but not matter how kind and attentive and giving I am they are not very nice and expect me to do so much more because it isn't good enough.
My mom is supposed to host a baby shower, and naturally I will be doing all the planning and paying... It is just the way of my parents & sister... they like the idea, but not the work. It's ok. It does get stressful since I am a full time college student in accounting, I work in the collegiate athletic department more than part time, and my husband is in the army and can only come to see me every 6 or so weeks. I am also 8 +++ hours away from my nearest family member or in-law. I'm kinda roughing it, but I wouldn't trade it for anything. Anyway, I sent out an e-mail AND a facebook "save the date" event page to everyone. I asked that they RSVP within 2 weeks if possible, but if they need more time it is not a big deal.
Well... this weekend my MIL told my husband that even though they have received the e-mail and facebook invitation that his aunts and grandmother all want ME to personally call each of them and ask them to come - otherwise they aren't even considering it. 
My husband's first reaction: "It is NOT going to happen. Everyone has the same invitation, and they all seem fine with being able to respond."
I guess I am just sad because all I am asking for is for them to come celebrate this beautiful gift that God has given us. We are so thankful to have a healthy baby boy, and I want everyone to be part of his life. Nobody has to buy us anything off the registry, nothing like that... All I hope is that they come surround him with love.
I believe the right thing to do would be to let my husband "confront" them respectfully and ask what the problem seems to be so that it can be resolved calmly. --I don't know... It just hurts a gals feelings when she really needs family support -- and they continue to deny it.. Even when my husband was deployed to Afghanistan -- I sent them 37 e-mails with updates and all the info I knew/could disclose... and not even one time did they respond to me. They would only talk to him.
Thanks for reading if you got this far! I just needed to pour my heart out for a second!
This discussion has been closed.
Re: In-laws not wanting to attend baby shower... My hurt feelings..
That's really crummy. I'll never understand why some people feel that need special consideration when it comes to being invited to things. It sounds like your in-laws need a little wake-up call. I hope your hubby get's a chance to talk to them, maybe help them to see who ridiculous they're being.
Good luck, and try not to let silly people get you down.
*hugs* What a tough situation. Especially with your hubby in the army -he doesn't need this stress either!
My advice (if you're looking for advice) is to back off. Your husband told them they wouldn't be receiving a personal invitation. It's now up to them to suck it up and be adults, or be childish and not celebrate with you. I know personally it's really difficult to deal with when the in-laws don't seem to care, but I don't think there's anything you can do to change them. Right now, they're probably thinking that if they throw enough of a fuss, you'll give in and do what they want. But if you do that, they'll continue to walk all over you. If you draw the line, and say "enough," they have no more power over you.
I understand why you are upset, but you are going to have to realize that not everyone is comfortable, especially older women, with the computer age.
Sending out an email and a facebook is not the same as getting an invitation in snail mail or a phone call, and it never will be to them.
If you really are concerned with your relationship with them, get over it and make the phone call. I mean really, is 5 minutes of voice time really worth family drama?
Tell them to use that same rule of thumb when it comes time to visit the baby.......
They're being immature azzholes. If they don't want to come, don't beg them. You're under enough strain as it is. Holy DRAMA.
This! My thoughts exactly. You don't need to worry about whether they are coming or not. Honestly, I think that is really crappy. I mean if they got an email, then they are obviously using EMAIL.
Maybe you could send them a marble tablet with the invitation etched on it. Jeez Louise!
I guess I should clarify a few things.
Ex. 1: They all use e-mail just fine. His Grandma e-mails him at least 2 times a month saying "I am praying for YOU, Ben." She has NEVER included me or asked about me.
Ex. 2: When my husband graduated a major army school (that took him 3 years to complete) we invited his aunts, etc. etc.... And when they posted the photos online I was not in a single one of them. (Ouch, yes, this hurt me....)
Ex 3: When WE (my husband and I both) tried calling (14 times we tried, left 4 messages) to tell them "Yay! We're expecting!" They would only respond to him saying "Congratulations."
Ex 4: When we try to call to contact them to figure out what the problem is their phone strangely can't seem to work... And they aren't able to return calls.
I have been dealing with this for almost 5 years. I just never thought they would neglect my innocent baby son. They claim to just love and adore my husband... but if they truly did, they would at least respect my husband's wife, and open up the lines of communication.
I am going to take a lovely ladies advice above, and just let this go. It is a reflection on them if they decide not to come. I can't be responsible for them electing to not be part of my child's life. The door will never be closed to them, but I am not capable of doing any more than I already have. I have a husband and now a son to take care of on top of other priorities.
good for you! I just want to add, as someone w/ a family that LOVES to ruin special moments by making it all about them and their drama, that your child is the best reason on earth to stop the pattern you've been in for the last 5 years. Don't let your baby grow up thinking that this is how families treat each other. If you are constantly placating them and playing into their manipulations, your child will learn that love means compromising yourself. Sometimes motherhood brings around changes you never expected - like finally standing up to the bullies in your life. It's your job to set an example for a new little human. You don't deserve to be treated that way, and your child doesn't deserve to watch their mom be disrespected. Good for you, and hang in there!
I would leave it the way your husband left it. They will never stop if you keep giving in.
Also I would talk to your hubby about him confronting them (respectfully as you said) about how they are treating you, get to the bottom of it and resolve it before it gets worse. It will probably be best if he does it alone, but every family is different, it might be a good idea for you to be there too. Just ask him. I would try and get this resolved before your son comes so he can have a united family!
I believe it is the husbands responsibility to protect his wife from his family if needed and run interference if necessary. It sounds like it is time for him to find out what is going on. Does he know the extent of what has been going on? How much they have shunned you? With so much distance between you physically he may not realize the extent of the problem. I would talk to him, preferably in person if that visit isn't too far away, and let him know!
I'm sorry your having so much trouble with you In-Laws! It isn't easy to marry into a family that is unsupportive of the marriage! I hope things heal and you grow to have a wonderful relationship with them in the future! Who knows maybe they will have a change of heart when your son is born! A baby can heal a lot of rifts!
This. Especially considering you said everyone lives 8+ hours away. A facebook invite would make my grandma uncomfortable for a mega trip like that.
THIS!!!! He should do the dealing with his family to let them know it isnt okay they treat you like this, and he wont allow it anymore. all my love hun. itll be ok
Me - DX Hashimoto's Disease, Hypothyroid, Rheumatoid Arthritis
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At first, I thought maybe they didn't feel an e-vite was enough. However, after reading the background, your In-Laws suck.
Let it go, be happy with your family, and don't miss them at all. You are better off without them there making you feel small and unimportant and not good enough for their beloved-Ben.
See some of my replies.
Also, my mother is the one who is hosting the baby shower in the same town as the in-laws. It is a 15 minute drive from their home.
I am the one who is putting together the baby shower my mom is supposedly hosting because if I don't I won't have one. I had no help with my wedding, and I haven't gotten any help with this either. (ETA: I'm not asking for much, just a get together with a few little snacks and time with friends... And I'm paying for it.)
I guess I can't be superwoman and afford the money and time it takes to do paper invites being a full time college student, working, and an army wife with no husband to help me with anything.
It is tough when you literally have to do it on your own.
ETA: not complaining, I am just trying to explain that if I wasn't so overwhelmed already, I would certainly send formal invitations. I am sooo sentimental.. And this is our first child... it makes me pretty sad that I have to miss out on some of those things due to our current lifestyle.I agree with this. My family would die if I sent an evite and email to a shower. Not passsing ANY judgment, but just stating how my family would perceive it. Perhaps that is one of the issues (although admittedly it sounds like it goes beyond that).
Make a pregnancy ticker
Thank you all for your replies and support! Some have given me quite a chuckle.. I needed that. I will consider all things said here and try to be as kind and considerate to them as possible.
I hope everyone is having a happy healthy pregnancy!
I agree with this. especially the part about it's probably best if they didn't come for I a can assume they will create an uncomfortable environment at your party and not let you enjoy your day that you so much deserve. I do agree with you that part of loving their son is to respect the woman whom he chose to marry. If they can't do that then that says a lot about their character. I know it's hard to let it go, like others have suggested because after all this is your extended family and it hurts, but maybe some day they'll come to their senses and stop this childish behavior.
Good luck
I agree with most of the PPs. Your in-laws totally suck! Forget them if they can't treat you with respect, who is to say that they will treat your son any better and you don't want to subject him to that cr@p!! If they say anything to you (or your husband) about you not calling as they have requested (ha - demanded!), just say that with their past behavior, you figured they wouldn't answer your calls.
I believe that husbands & wives need to be a united front. If this is ever going to be resolved, you and your DH need to be 1000% on the same page that the way they treat you is unacceptable and will NO LONGER be tolerated. Until they begin treating you with some respect and courtesy, you have no reason to acknowledge their existance! I can't believe you've been putting up with this bullshiz for 5 years!
I think you'll be better off if you at least do the paper invitation, but a phone call isn't so bad either.
I can tell you from experience. My mother in law wouldn't even come to our wedding. My husband and I have been together for 15 years and she's JUST now coming around to emailing me now that she has a grand daughter coming. If she calls to speak to my husband, she calls his cell phone because she knows i won't answer it.
Over the last 5-6 years she's at least mentioned my name on Christmas cards and even started sending wedding anniversary cards.
Some people eventually come around, some never do.
Does it suck? Yeah. Do I take it personally? No, this would have happened to any woman he married
Am I going to hold a grudge now that she has a grand daughter she has interest in? Absolutely not. I'm just glad she's participating at all.
For me, family is family, and as much as we'd all like it, we don't get to pick and choose who they are. We do get to pick and choose our fights tho.
A fight over an invitation to a baby shower is low on my list of things worthy of a fight.
Good luck to you and keep your chin up. You may never be 'good enough', but eventually you may be better accepted.
Like a few others have said, if it was actually just an issue of the format of the invitations, there would be room for compromise. But these people simply don't want to have anything to do with you. Which is the last kind of relationship anyone wants to have with their in-laws, especially the whole family, but it does happen and the best thing for you and for the baby is to just write them off. You have no obligation to them and you will just make yourself miserable trying to change them.
It's good to see your husband seems to support you in this. That makes a huge difference.
I know some people believe strongly that family trumps everything no matter how miserable it makes you but in the end that's all you are -- miserable. It's not worth it. Cutting them off is easy since the contact is only coming from you anyway. Decide your husband is an orphan and move on.
So, you want them to come to the shower and celebrate with you, but you won't go out of your way to call them to invite them or send an invitation that you could buy at the Dollar Store? Sorry, i wouldn't attend, either.
ETA: My husband and I BOTH called this weekend several times and left a message (he got to spend Sunday and Monday until 3 PM with me before he had to drive 8 hours back to work! Yay for 2 days together!) sooo.... we have been calling. Funny how their phones don't seem to work when there's a problem.
perhaps you should read the whole thread where I have explained/clarified a bit of history. If you still feel the same way I am not sure what to tell you. These people are just one of those inconsiderate/impossible to please people hell-bent on being difficult to deal with. It is not like I sit on my butt all day and have time to accomodate their daily whims.. I've tried to, I can't do any more to make it any easier.
Plus -- think of the fact that my husband and I have been married 4 years and we have just recently made it to 200 days together (including ALL times we have been together)... The fact that I have tried repeatedly to include them as much as possible and SHARE MY TIME with MY HUSBAND with people who obviously don't really care about him shows that I am MORE than trying to establish and maintain good feelings with family.
I talked to DH last night and he thinks that I care too much about them and they really don't care too much about us. Most people are willing to give us a break since we have been through so entirely much with the army and all the sacrifices we make. It won't last forever - and those who love us and care about us understand how full our plate is. If we had more opportunities to see family and spend time with them and had the money to do so, we would.
Oh good lord you're dramatic.
You just keep on focusing on your own "poor me" point of view, then. Enjoy!
Pardon me. I surely hope I do not come off this way. Just expressing that this is difficult for me to deal with because I would like some family support and excitement about us having a baby. We have been troopers this whole time. Excuse me for falling apart once in a while. I'm only human.
I sure hope that when you go through something difficult that others don't treat you as you just treated me.My family like me enough to throw me a shower so i don't have to go the incredibly tacky route of planning one myself then sending e-mail and facebook invites to ILs who clearly don't like me enough in the first place to call and say hello, let alone shower me with good wishes and onesies.
Oh, wait, my ILs DO like me.
So sorry about all of the posts. Sometimes the network at the university gets overloaded!
I don't get a long with my MIL either.
She also only calls DH and is CONSTANTLY causing drama. I guess my heart went out to you b/c I completely understand.
DH and I have been together for 6 years, are married, and of course, expecting. Does this mean my MIL will treat him (or myself) like an adult? Nope. She insists on playing games, crying, and trying to guilt trip/manipulate my husband into doing things her way.
All I can say is, you have to do what is best for you an your own little family unit. If you feel like its better to call them and try to work it out for your DH and LO, then do it. If you feel like its sending the wrong message to them and will only cause more drama (i.e. letting her win), then don't.
Have an honest heart to heart with your H and decide as a family what is best.
For the first time since we got married, Dh and I have finally put our foot down with MIL (much to her disappointment and constant crying) b/c we feel like it is only hurting our family.
GL!
I'm confused. Why do you even want your ILs to come to your shower? You've mentioned that they don't like you and are difficult. I don't think I'd want to deal with their drama and bad vibes. You sound like a sweet girl, but you're painting yourself as a bit of a doormat when it comes to the ILs. You make constant efforts to contact them and they don't respond to you. I think you need to take a hint and just let it go. They don't like you (for whatever reason) and probably never will. Live your life and be happy that there are people who want to help you welcome your baby into the world.
Oh sweet pea, I grew up in a Family like that and completely understand why your Hubbie decided to move so far away! LOL! My Father's side was never close to us and my Grandmother favored her Daughter's family much more. It took me 22 years of life, 1 failed marriage and finding my Soul Mate to wake me up. You have to realize you will never please these people, then move on. Your Hubbie knows first hand, from what I have read thus far from your posts, and I think he is the one to steer you right in this battle. Sometimes all you can do is stop and pray for a few minutes and ask God to soften their hearts, even then I wouldn't hold my breath.
I think you are much stronger than you think, dismiss the other comments here that boast negativity towards you. You came here and typed for advice and empathy, not rudeness, but I am sure you prepared yourself for that as best you could. If it was I, typing such a question, I would have expected some genuine responses to remind me I am not alone, I am so sorry you did not just recieve those alone. I too know how hard it is to be a Full Time everything and be living to the penny, now a days the promotion for Online Invitations is so Broad, I would have expected to do the same~saving money for the Birth Announcements which are far more important in the long run I think. You should be celebrating with people you feel wonderful around, not those who demonstrate disrespectful commentary and actions/behavior...that alone is not good for you or the baby right now.
Honestly, why don't you change the whole set up and have your family meet you half way, somewhere that YOU'D like to go and have fun
You deserve it !
Thank you for your kind words.