The hostess for my baby shower backed out!

cjgiannotti · February 2011

My baby shower is 2 weeks away and from the beginning this "friend" has been less than helpful. Even after getting together a very organized list of who I wanted invited, she had me buy the stuff to send out invitations and address them myself. She went to a pretty expensive place for decorations and then complained about the cost. And now, two weeks away, She won't call to check on people who haven't RSVP'd yet. I didn't even complain when mine was the only number she put down to RSVP to... needless to say, she won't be hosting the shower and I have 2 weeks to figure out what to do. Should I host it myself and tell people that there were unforeseen circumstances???

Neukim · February 2011

What a crappy friend! Why did she bail?

Can your mom or sister take over? You shouldn't have to host your own baby shower! Where was it suppose to be?

cjgiannotti · February 2011

I don't have a sister and my mom and I don't speak and haven't in quite some time. This "friend" is someone I've only known for a few months so, maybe I should have known it was too good to be true. It was supposed to be held at her house. But, Obviously that can't happen. As for her reason, I'm not really sure. Seems to me she's just a lot more selfish than she'd like people to think she is.

LacieMI · February 2011

cjgiannotti:
My baby shower is 2 weeks away and from the beginning this "friend" has been less than helpful. Even after getting together a very organized list of who I wanted invited, she had me buy the stuff to send out invitations and address them myself. She went to a pretty expensive place for decorations and then complained about the cost. And now, two weeks away, She won't call to check on people who haven't RSVP'd yet. I didn't even complain when mine was the only number she put down to RSVP to... needless to say, she won't be hosting the shower and I have 2 weeks to figure out what to do. Should I host it myself and tell people that there were unforeseen circumstances???

Wow -- she needs some education on shower etiquette. I'm sorry that you're dealing with that. How embarrassing. I'd see if a sister, friend, or someone else will take over, if the original hostess is indeed backing out. OTOH, I do not think it is necessary to call the people who have not RSVP'd. In fact, I find that kind of tacky, but that could just be me.

How many people have RSVP'd (to you)? How many have you not heard from?

Deedle123 · February 2011

OMG! What a you know what!!

I would just ask mom or sister (first) or a close relative to take over and explain the details.. I'm sure someone will step up and take it over.

That totally sucks - I had a few people offer to host a shower for me at the begining, but knowing how "friends" can be I let my sister do it and nicely declined the other offers.

cjgiannotti · February 2011

Well, I've read up on baby shower etiquette and it's traditional for the host/hostess to check in with the people who haven't RSVP'd - so that's why I expected that of her. We are doing a co-ed shower and 12 people have responded. 2 couples have not. They are both my husband's bosses and that makes it awkward for one of us to call and put the pressure on them to give us an answer. However, if it were the person who were throwing the shower, it would make more sense as she has to have enough seating in her home, enough food, etc.

cjgiannotti · February 2011

Okay, so to all of you who have suggested my sister or mom take over, what would you do if you had no sister and your mom wasn't in the picture? My best friend lives 3 states away and is willing to help me throw by buying stuff and sending it to me. But, she won't be able to attend...

Lari29 · February 2011

Wow. That is a really tough situation. I'm sorry that this happened to you. Do you have any friends that you at least have known for more than a few months that could help you out? Or even a brother? Doesn't have to be a female relative.

cjgiannotti · February 2011

I moved out here to be with my husband (fiance at the time) and neither of us have any family out here so that makes the situation even more strange. I think this is one of those things that happens to one person in a million!!!

Mrs.Purdue · February 2011

did she actually back out of hosting the shower, or is she just complaining about stuff? i couldn't tell in your post if there was actually a conversation that she had with you in which she said that she can't do the shower anymore and that you'll have to find another place to have it. it almost sounded like you were just fed up with her and you would rather her not be around if she's going to be that way (rightfully so).

if she did call you and back out completely, what was her reasoning? i'd see if i could do something to help that situation so that she could still host it, rather than trying to figure out how to change the location to another place and then you hosting it yourself (gasp!)

00tedsgirl · February 2011

I'm confused, too. It sounds to me like you are "firing" her (for lack of better term) because she isn't following up on RSVPs. Sure, she should do that, but it's not really any concern of yours. It'll make her job harder not knowing how many people to expect, but that's her own problem. But unless she tells you that she doesn't want to do the shower, I'm not sure what the problem is. And even then, if she's canceling it, it's her responsibility to contact every invitee and tell them. Otherwise, a bunch of people are going to show up at her house and she can deal with that on her own.

fragglefan · February 2011

I saw you live in Englewood, CO! I also am from there. I hope you can find someone to help! *hug*

cjgiannotti · February 2011

I gave her an out and she took it. I told her that she seemed overwhelmed and that it seemed like the baby shower was too much for her at which point she decided she didn't want to do it. I'm a pretty helpful person and I was really grateful for her being willing to help out, but, when I started having to do all the work myself, it became kind of pointless to have someone else throwing it. You know???

sugarangel77 · February 2011

sorry

the up-side is that its a co-ed shower, maybe you can just turn it into a baby party.... and then its not like your hosting your own shower.

finding someone else to host seems out of the question, I would just take what you've got and run with it as a coed party for your LO. Or cancel the event and reschedule for after baby comes.

cjgiannotti · February 2011

00tedsgirl:
I'm confused, too. It sounds to me like you are "firing" her (for lack of better term) because she isn't following up on RSVPs. Sure, she should do that, but it's not really any concern of yours. It'll make her job harder not knowing how many people to expect, but that's her own problem. But unless she tells you that she doesn't want to do the shower, I'm not sure what the problem is. And even then, if she's canceling it, it's her responsibility to contact every invitee and tell them. Otherwise, a bunch of people are going to show up at her house and she can deal with that on her own.

On the other hand, these are my friends. I don't want them to show up to someone's house who doesn't want them there gifts in hand for my unborn child. I think that would be rude.

cjgiannotti · February 2011

fragglefan:
I saw you live in Englewood, CO! I also am from there. I hope you can find someone to help! *hug*

Thanks so much for your well wishes! I sincerely appreciate it!

kammmmay · February 2011

Mrs.Purdue:
did she actually back out of hosting the shower, or is she just complaining about stuff? i couldn't tell in your post if there was actually a conversation that she had with you in which she said that she can't do the shower anymore and that you'll have to find another place to have it. it almost sounded like you were just fed up with her and you would rather her not be around if she's going to be that way (rightfully so).
if she did call you and back out completely, what was her reasoning? i'd see if i could do something to help that situation so that she could still host it, rather than trying to figure out how to change the location to another place and then you hosting it yourself (gasp!)

I agree. I would try to mend things if possible. If thats not an option, I would try to find another friend to help you out (for your sanity's sake) and just let people know that due to some unforseen circumstances, you host wont be able to have the party at her place anymore and it will be at new said location. No reason to cancel the whole thing 2 weeks before. Is it going to be more of a get together since its co-ed? or was it still supposed to be more games and the like?

It may be a bit of a hassle, but I don't see why you shouldn't have a shower because of your "friend". And nobody cares about who the host of a party is, it would just make things easier if you could just sit back and enjoy yourself. Believe me, I had to get a new venue for my wedding a week before, so changing the location of a party for 20-some people shouldn't be too much work.

LacieMI · February 2011

Honestly, if I were in your situation and the hostess actually backed out (and there is nobody else that you feel comfortable asking to host[ess]), I would send an e-mail out to the couples who have been invited to let them know that the shower has been canceled. I would not hide the fact that SusieQ decided that she is no longer available. I would not say "due to unforseen circumstances" or something that vague, because that could come across that there is something wrong with YOU or YOUR interest in having a shower. Perhaps one of the couples who receives the invitation/cancellation will offer to either host(ess) this event, or offer to pick a new date and try it again.

I would send out something like the following:

Friends,

(Husband's name) and I regret to inform you that the shower planned for _______ at _____'s home has been canceled. Unfortunately, SusieQ is unable to hostess this event*. We have been very much looking forward to celebrating with you, and will look forward to the next time that we can see you!

Love,

Your & husband's names

*instead of "event", you could say "party", "our time together" or "get together", etc... whatever sounds best to you.

yzgal247 · February 2011

On the other hand, these are my friends. I don't want them to show up to someone's house who doesn't want them there gifts in hand for my unborn child. I think that would be rude.

So you do have some friends. Why don't you call on of the ladies that has already RSVPd and explain the situation. She wouldn't have to do any of the work at this point but she could be your official "hostess" and call the other 2 couples that haven't responded yet. Just a thought!

Mrs.Purdue · February 2011

i'd say you've got a couple of options here...

1) call said friend back and say that since it's only 2 weeks away or whatever and invitations have already gone out, decorations bought, etc, that you'd like to still have the shower if she's willing. you'll help her with whatever she needs but she'll still be the host. this will be less work for you than if you try to change the party and host it completely yourself, plus it won't look tacky at all, since no one will really know that you're doing a lot of the work. you'll still get 'showered', even if you have to do some work for it.

2) call all the friends and let them know about the change. the host had to backout for some personal reasons (don't go into it), so instead of a shower at her house, you and DH would like to invite everyone to your house to just have a fun evening to celebrate the baby. It's no longer a shower, but you still get to celebrate with your friends. downsides here are that you now have to do ALL the work, including calling everyone and you won't necessarily get gifts. upside is you don't have to deal with the flake.

3) cancel everything all together (looks like you'll have to be the one to call people) and have a sip-n-see after the baby gets here.

i'd try to do #1 personally, unless it's too awkward to have that conversation with her after the one you already had.

JUSTBEYOURSELF · February 2011

maybe you could call a friend or one of fiance friends to fill in due to the situation. that sucks I am sorry. my Bestfriend bailed on my bridal shower at the last minute.

cjgiannotti · February 2011

yzgal247:

On the other hand, these are my friends. I don't want them to show up to someone's house who doesn't want them there gifts in hand for my unborn child. I think that would be rude.

So you do have some friends. Why don't you call on of the ladies that has already RSVPd and explain the situation. She wouldn't have to do any of the work at this point but she could be your official "hostess" and call the other 2 couples that haven't responded yet. Just a thought!

Sorry, I guess I should be more clear. 1- most of the people that are female are my husbands friends 2 - most of the guy friends I have wouldn't know how to throw a baby shower if I did feel comfortable asking...

sugarangel77 · February 2011

00tedsgirl:
I'm confused, too. It sounds to me like you are "firing" her (for lack of better term) because she isn't following up on RSVPs. Sure, she should do that, but it's not really any concern of yours. It'll make her job harder not knowing how many people to expect, but that's her own problem. But unless she tells you that she doesn't want to do the shower, I'm not sure what the problem is. And even then, if she's canceling it, it's her responsibility to contact every invitee and tell them. Otherwise, a bunch of people are going to show up at her house and she can deal with that on her own.

i didnt even think of that! ha. kinda funny---- but not something you want.

cjgiannotti · February 2011

JUSTBEYOURSELF:
maybe you could call a friend or one of fiance friends to fill in due to the situation. that sucks I am sorry. my Bestfriend bailed on my bridal shower at the last minute.

Did you still have your bridal shower? Did someone else take over for you?

MrsDL · February 2011

Sorry - I might be misreading but it sounds like you're almost trying to host your own shower and this new friend was sort of a shell to do so - you didn't like how she was doing things so you gave her an out and she took it (you don't have to check-up on people who didn't RSVP - generally in hosting any event people plan for a few non RSVPers to show-up and a few people who said they were coming not to come).

Showers are not a requirement - if I didn't have a mom or sister and nobody I was really close to offered I wouldn't have one. I certainly wouldn't expect somebody who has only known me a few months to throw me a party - I would have personally declined that offer from the beginning. People you barely know don't want to be bothered. If the invites have gone out, I'd call my guests and cancel and explain the circumstances but I would not throw myself a shower under any circumstances. It looks tacky and like a gift-grab.

aerotigergirl · February 2011

I agree with what some others have already said. I think your best option might be to discuss it with the potential shower hostess first, then to send out a note to all of the invitees (even the ones who have yet failed to RSVP) and let them know that the party has been canceled. I don't see any reason to mention the reason for the cancellation, just say that it has been canceled due to unforeseen circumstances and let that be it. There may be something going on in your new friend's life of which you are not aware, and purposefully trying to make her look bad while also manipulatively trying to bait one of your other friends into hosting the party seems insincere.

I'm sorry you're in a tough situation. If you still want to have a party to celebrate your baby, consider hosting a meet the baby party after he/she arrives.

Temp38995750004016 · February 2011

MrsDL:

Sorry - I might be misreading but it sounds like you're almost trying to host your own shower and this new friend was sort of a shell to do so - you didn't like how she was doing things so you gave her an out and she took it (you don't have to check-up on people who didn't RSVP - generally in hosting any event people plan for a few non RSVPers to show-up and a few people who said they were coming not to come).

Showers are not a requirement - if I didn't have a mom or sister and nobody I was really close to offered I wouldn't have one. I certainly wouldn't expect somebody who has only known me a few months to throw me a party - I would have personally declined that offer from the beginning. People you barely know don't want to be bothered. If the invites have gone out, I'd call my guests and cancel and explain the circumstances but I would not throw myself a shower under any circumstances. It looks tacky and like a gift-grab.

Ditto on all of this! It looks like she was only a hostess in name anyway, and you were having the shower for yourself. Just keep her as the hostess (to avoid looking tacky) and call all of the couples (there's only 12) and tell them the location has changed. No need to go into details!!

I also don't understand why you are 1) really bent out of shape over 2 out of 12 couples who haven't RSVP'd. I thought you meant like 20 people, 4 extra is no sweat. 2) If you don't have friends close enough to help with your shower, who are you inviting to it? Just acquaintances? From everything I've read it looks like maybe you should have just skipped a shower in the first place.

OhHappyFeat · February 2011

Sorry, that doesn't sound like a fun situation at all. If I were you, I think I would cancel the shower instead of host it myself. I liked the wording that LacieMI used in her letter to send to the couples that were invited. And who knows, maybe one of the other couples will take over.

cjgiannotti · February 2011

MrsDL:

Sorry - I might be misreading but it sounds like you're almost trying to host your own shower and this new friend was sort of a shell to do so - you didn't like how she was doing things so you gave her an out and she took it (you don't have to check-up on people who didn't RSVP - generally in hosting any event people plan for a few non RSVPers to show-up and a few people who said they were coming not to come).

Showers are not a requirement - if I didn't have a mom or sister and nobody I was really close to offered I wouldn't have one. I certainly wouldn't expect somebody who has only known me a few months to throw me a party - I would have personally declined that offer from the beginning. People you barely know don't want to be bothered. If the invites have gone out, I'd call my guests and cancel and explain the circumstances but I would not throw myself a shower under any circumstances. It looks tacky and like a gift-grab.

Wow. Maybe, I was hoping that she was actually being a good friend to me and that I was fortunate to have someone offer to do something like that for me. As I've said multiple times, most of the people who are coming are friends of my husband's and, NO, I wasn't originally going to have a shower BUT, when someone offered to be kind enough to throw it for me, I thought it might be nice and my husband was more than thrilled to have a co-ed baby shower where his friends could come as well. As far as my not having a mother or sister to throw me a shower, maybe you'd have to be in my situation to understand that I'd still like to invite the people who ARE happy for me and my husband to surround us with the love that we'd like to share with our new child. Sorry, but, your words were a bit harsh, and to be honest, hurtful.

cjgiannotti · February 2011

pook:
MrsDL:

Sorry - I might be misreading but it sounds like you're almost trying to host your own shower and this new friend was sort of a shell to do so - you didn't like how she was doing things so you gave her an out and she took it (you don't have to check-up on people who didn't RSVP - generally in hosting any event people plan for a few non RSVPers to show-up and a few people who said they were coming not to come).

Showers are not a requirement - if I didn't have a mom or sister and nobody I was really close to offered I wouldn't have one. I certainly wouldn't expect somebody who has only known me a few months to throw me a party - I would have personally declined that offer from the beginning. People you barely know don't want to be bothered. If the invites have gone out, I'd call my guests and cancel and explain the circumstances but I would not throw myself a shower under any circumstances. It looks tacky and like a gift-grab.

Ditto on all of this! It looks like she was only a hostess in name anyway, and you were having the shower for yourself. Just keep her as the hostess (to avoid looking tacky) and call all of the couples (there's only 12) and tell them the location has changed. No need to go into details!!

I also don't understand why you are 1) really bent out of shape over 2 out of 12 couples who haven't RSVP'd. I thought you meant like 20 people, 4 extra is no sweat. 2) If you don't have friends close enough to help with your shower, who are you inviting to it? Just acquaintances? From everything I've read it looks like maybe you should have just skipped a shower in the first place.

I never said I'd go into details. I am not that kind of person. I don't want to go into the juicy details with every person who was invited. Also, a I said previously, most of the people who are invited are my husband's friends. He has lived in the area for a couple years now and has a few. I also have a few people I would consider my friends here. However, most of my friends are guys and don't have kids so I'm not sure they have the first clue about throwing a baby shower.

cjgiannotti · February 2011

To those of you who have been kind and thoughtful and have given me some options, thank you for your kind and supportive words. They are genuinely appreciated.

To those of you who have judged that I am just out to get something out of this, I'd hope that you'd think about how you might feel if you were in the same or a simillar situation the next time you make a post. I'm pregnant, stressed out, and a little depressed about this whole thing... you all should understand that better than anyone.

JUSTBEYOURSELF · February 2011

cjgiannotti:
JUSTBEYOURSELF:
maybe you could call a friend or one of fiance friends to fill in due to the situation. that sucks I am sorry. my Bestfriend bailed on my bridal shower at the last minute.

Did you still have your bridal shower? Did someone else take over for you?

my mil's (husbands mom and his step mom) and my sil took over and threw it for me. I have to see my moh everyday. she works with me now and I should have never referred her to work at my job after all the crap she has pulled like this on me.

I hope things work out for you. I feel terrible that this happened and I know how tough it is to work it all out.

cjgiannotti · February 2011

JUSTBEYOURSELF:
cjgiannotti:

JUSTBEYOURSELF:
maybe you could call a friend or one of fiance friends to fill in due to the situation. that sucks I am sorry. my Bestfriend bailed on my bridal shower at the last minute.

Did you still have your bridal shower? Did someone else take over for you?

my mil's (husbands mom and his step mom) and my sil took over and threw it for me. I have to see my moh everyday. she works with me now and I should have never referred her to work at my job after all the crap she has pulled like this on me.

I hope things work out for you. I feel terrible that this happened and I know how tough it is to work it all out.

Thanks for all your support. I'm sure it'll all work out. Maybe one of my husbands' friends will step in or something. My husband wanted to throw it for me in the first place, so maybe I'll just step back and let him. Some people may think that's tacky, and they have a right to their opinion. But, I've heard of other people whose husbands threw their showers for them and nobody thought badly of them. I think it's kind of sweet. We'll see.

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