Worried Toodle is going to stop loving me.

schmoodle · February 2011

I was already so anxious about having another baby so close to Toodle (our "plan" was a minimum of 3 years between kids), because he's still so little and dependent on us and I didn't want things to change for him. I worried that he would resent me/us for bringing a new baby home, etc.

Well, I'm only 18 weeks pregnant and I'm already feeling so rejected by him. Since I'm trying to avoid lifting him or doing anything too active for the sake of maintaining this pregnancy, DH is doing so much more with him. When he wants "up" I always have to send him to DH. DH does the bath mostly on his own. I can't go play outside with them or to Gymboree because I'm trying to stay off my feet. And each day Toodle is developing more and more of a Daddy preference and it breaks my heart. He used to be my little mama's boy. Lately if I go to comfort him at night he cries and yells "dada", and last night he wasn't feeling well and needed to be held upright, and DH's arms hurt from shoveling so I tried to sit up and rock him in the chair and he completely lost it and was HYSTERICAL when DH handed him to me and left the room. I couldn't stop crying afterwards.

If it's already like this and the baby isn't even here, will he ever be close to me again? Moms of 2, did you go through this and did it get better? I remember reading a post recently (maybe by nicolita) about something similar and I'm so scared it will be even worse for us since I'm already becoming more distant from him while pregnant).

Sorry for this being so long, I'm just sad. Obviously I'm SO grateful to be pregnant and I know it's just 9 months in Toodle's whole lifetime, but it seems like such an important 9 months and I hate missing all this fun and bonding time with him after waiting so long for him to get here. I just wish I could be a "normal" pregnant lady and not be terrified to stand up for more than 60 seconds at a time.

Mouseygail · February 2011

((((HUGS!!!)))

madhatter2003 · February 2011

He will always love you.

He won't even remember this time later

AND they will have SO MUCH fun playing together. My 2 are now tight as two peas in a pod...and DD never remembers a time when DS wasn't there sort of thing. They play together, laugh together, get in trouble together....it's wonderful.

itsmyangel · February 2011

awwww I'm sorry I'm sure I would have trouble with that too....But you're his mommy and he knows that and you guys will be wonderful. He'll be so excited to have a baby and be a big brother and can help you with taking care of baby etc (even if its just running to get a diaper or showing the baby a book or something).

(hugs!)

SeaSoul · February 2011

I can imagine how you're feeling...a good friend of mine just had her 2nd. They are 2 years, 1 month apart. She did say that Annabelle developed a Daddy preference after Olivia was born, but that she now (Olivia's 10 weeks old) is back to wanting Mommy. I've no doubt Toodle will be a Mama's boy again, even if it takes a while. Still, it must be heart-wrenching in the meantime!

Mr.&MrsS · February 2011

((Hugs)) I know it is hard.

I think it is normal to feel everything that you are feeling. I posted something similar when Nolan was born. Brady wanted nothing to do with me. And I cried. A lot. (I am sure the hormones didnt help with that). But by the time I went back to work after my maternity leave, Brady was all about Mommy because I had been home with him for 3 months and did the majority of the childcare those months.

I can assure you that this is not something that will last forever. Brady goes back and forth between always wanting me and then always wanting DH. But now that we are a year and a half out from having a newborn things are fine again. And they were pretty much back to normal after just a couple of months.

Toodle will ALWAYS love you, I am certain of that.

kme930 · February 2011

(((hugs))) sweetie! I have no experience, but so many of my friends kids go back and forth between mommy preferences and daddy preferences that I have to think that he'll be back to you before long! And giving him a sibling is a great gift long term! Easy for me to say, but I know Toodle loves you!

epphd · February 2011

Awww, I know it must be hard On the other hand, Toodle having a Daddy preference now is probably a good thing for you all given that he will be spending much more time with Daddy when the baby comes. My friend with 2U2 said that her son and husband had to do a lot of "bonding" when her daughter was born - I think it's a natural part of having two young kids.

Feeling physically "restrained" is horrible though - and I don't blame you for feeling like you are missing out. But I gurantee that it is not forever and that Toodle will always love you.

craziheazo · February 2011

I wasn't allowed to lift Maya either (placenta previa) except when I absolutely had to (in and out of crib only when I was alone), so she started to prefer DH. I remember how sad that made me. She was younger than Toodle though and would snuggle in my lap for at least a little while each day.

It did get worse after Bella was born. She only came to the hospital for about 30 minutes each day (3 day stay for c-section) and became extremely attached to DH while Bella was in the NICU. I tried to balance time between both girls but I still couldn't lift Maya and she wanted NOTHING to do with me because I had not been around.

It only took about 3 days after we were all back home that she was my little buddy again. I, too, took 3 months off work and Maya was glued to me the entire time. Maybe try to entice him to sit on your lap while watching a TV show or reading a book or two. Just holding him will be good for you soul

He will always love you and will LOVE having a sibling to play with. He will not remember this time at all. Before you know it, he will be attached at your hip again and trying to help with the new baby!!

Christakim · February 2011

Ella was like this towards the end of my pregnancy with the twins where I was instructed not to lift her up and when I couldn't possibly get down on the floor with her.

She always went to Daddy and cried when she had to come to me because all I was was the person who took care of her during the day. I was the disciplinarian who couldn't play on the floor with her, who couldn't give her bath time, who couldn't do bedtime by herself anymore.

It took a bit of time after the twins came, but she is now getting back to her "I want mumma" self.

Hang in there, I know it's easy for me to say now, but it's all temporary and it's for the best!

roaringrock · February 2011

I think this is just a little bump in the road. once the new baby is here and toodle enjoys having a little sibling to play with I suspect all will fall back into place. mama = number 1!

marcuej · February 2011

roaringrock:
I think this is just a little bump in the road. once the new baby is here and toodle enjoys having a little sibling to play with I suspect all will fall back into place. mama = number 1!

This is so true! I remember feeling the same way when I was pregnant with Hadley. It all has worked out...even better than I expected. Stella has gone through stages of preferring DH over me and me over DH. I think that happens regardless of a new baby. I think that is just what toddlers do. One thing is for sure...she loves Hadley all the time and she gets hugs and kisses even when DH and I don't.

The one thing you need to remind yourself when you are feeling badly is that you are giving Toodle the best gift possible...a sibling! I promise, everything will work out.

browneyedgrl4282 · February 2011

I promise you, he will bounce right back. I went through this a few times when I had two different surgeries, pregnancy with Brady, and after Brady was born. Kids bounce back so easily. He will NEVER stop loving you, you are his mom and that is bond only you have with him.

perry7285 · February 2011

just want to send huge hugs--i'm sure he will always love you, but this phase would make me feel awful too!

howleyshell · February 2011

schmoodle:
If it's already like this and the baby isn't even here, will he ever be close to me again? Moms of 2, did you go through this and did it get better? I remember reading a post recently (maybe by nicolita) about something similar and I'm so scared it will be even worse for us since I'm already becoming more distant from him while pregnant).

SOOOO BTDT. Seriously.

They're 17 months apart. I got to the point that I was the LAMEST mom on earth. I avoided carrying him at all costs because it was exhausting.

DH became the favorite. I didn't even want to walk to the park with them because it was tiring.

I cried too. Dylan had a total daddy preference.

Now? He digs his dad but he's a momma's boy all the way.

He has no memory of that time.

I of course still carry around a huge bag of guilt thinking of all the times I didn't take him to the park, etc but I promise you he's a happy guy and has no long term scars from it!

You're right.... this IS an important time in his life. He knows you love him. Just do your best. Love doesn't come in the form of picking him up, carrying him or even taking him to the park. Love is just as easily expressed with special snuggle time on the couch or the floor while singing or reading books.

He won't stop loving you.

And the first time you see he and his sibling exchange love between the 2 of them you'll know beyond a shadow of a doubt that anything he missed during your gestation is gonna be made up for in spades with a life time of connection to a sibling.

Hang in there. These are totally normal feelings.

firegirl_05 · February 2011

our situations isn't the same as I am not pg with #2 yet but Hannah went through a phase when I was having some health issues and couldn't be as hands on as normal and was all about her daddy. I cried a lot and DH thought I was nuts and I just fod other ways to do things like coloring or sitting in the bathroom while he gave her her bath etc.

Kim777 · February 2011

That was a huge worry of mine as well. Rhett just goes through his normal daddy is my favorite/mommy is my favorite stages randomly. He doesn't not love me or always prefer his daddy to me. I was really worried about what having three kids so close together would mean for my relationship with each of them/their relationship with each other. My kiddos all love me and they all three adore each other. The reality was much better than what I had made up in my mind.

preheatedoven · February 2011

Since DH is the primary parent b/c he stays home with them, both of our kids 'prefer' him at certain times, like when they get hurt or are sleepy. I try really hard to not let it bug me, but it does, a lot. ((HUGS))

dundasgirl · February 2011

Ditto pretty much what everyone else said.

Penny is my velcro baby. She is always stuck to me like glue.

Reed loves me, but we make sure that it is Tommy who takes him up to bed at night and reads him his stories before sleep. Some nights, Reed will NOT go up with Tommy. He just wants me. It's weird but he's 2.5 so we just go with it, and then it is usually back to normal a couple of days later.

No one will ever measure up to Poppa (FIL) to Reed, so I might as well give up:)

I hope Toodle gets through this phase soon, so you can feel better.

You have been through alot. Don't feel bad for being nervous. It's normal.

I had a placental abruption with Reed, and any spec of blood when I was pregnant with Penny made me freak!

kristinamh6 · February 2011

I'm really glad you posted this, because I have been having the same feelings. I was just talking about it with some girlfriends at a Super Bowl party yesterday. I have placenta previa so I am supposed to take it easy and try not to pick up DD too much. I also work from home and it's my busy season, so she has been spending a lot of time with DH. I know she still loves me (as Toodle does you), but it's hard because I've always been her "favorite." And she recently stopped saying Mama and only says Dada all.day.long. In a way it makes me happy, because I love seeing the bond between them, but it makes me sad for what will happen when the new baby comes. Sorry to hijack your post, but I just wanted you to know that you are not alone. I think it's a totally normal way to feel when going from 1 to 2, especially with such a small age gap. The ladies who have BTDT and responded made me feel a lot better, and I hope they helped you too.

AvaLikeLava · February 2011

howleyshell:
Love doesn't come in the form of picking him up, carrying him or even taking him to the park. Love is just as easily expressed with special snuggle time on the couch or the floor while singing or reading books.
He won't stop loving you.

Exactly this!

I was horribly, horribly sick w/ m/s with S2. I couldn't get out of bed before 9-10 each morning. All child-care/home-care/anything responsibility fell on DH, and DS turned to him more during that time.

When S2 was born, during G's first visit to us in the hospital he didn't even want to sit next to me. I purposefully asked to wait to bring him until all my IV's, etc. were taken out so he wouldn't get freaked out, and still he just wouldn't even acknowledge me.

It hurt, but I had to remember that this wasn't about me, and he needed time to adjust to all the changes too.

Since the baby's been home, DH has been with G, while I've cared for S2. It's been a coping mechanism, but it's worked for us. G and DH are so much closer now than ever before, and you know what? G still loves me too. He tells me so, he hugs me, he runs to me at the end of the day at daycare and his face lights up when he sees me. He still loves me, even though he has to share me.

You'll go through these stages. They will hurt. But at the end of the day he still loves you dearly.

Hugs.

itsmevkb · February 2011

When I was pregnancy with Quinn I stopped picking up Shannon and although he wasn't thrilled, he got used to it and DH still would carry him places so that made him happy.

Honestly, I never worried that Shannon would stop loving me but I'll admit to some jealousy when he seems to prefer DH to me. However, you have to realize that all of that isn't centered around you being pregnant. Dads are different with their kids than moms are and that's okay. Try and look at this time as a time for your DH and Toodle to really get close to one another. That is a good thing.

Also, trust me, all these feelings will disappear when you see Toodle giving the baby hugs and kisses and holding the baby, etc. There is nothing that melts my heart more than seeing Shannon help Quinn with something or seeing them hug one another. By having another child we gave him MORE to love, not less.

CBL · February 2011

I think your feelings are normal, especially since you're trying to stay off your feet. I can't imagine how hard it is on you.

Just a suggestion, what about taking a bath with him? I've been getting in the tub with G since I went back to work and we have so much fun together. It's way better than me bathing him while leaning over the tub. Your husband could still do the heavy lifting, but you get to have the fun.

Want a personalized experience?

Worried Toodle is going to stop loving me.

Re: Worried Toodle is going to stop loving me.

Choose Another Board

Search Boards