Drugs and Other Topics
My mom called me to tell me that a friend of a friend's daughter ran away from home at the age of 14. She has been gone for 3 days... The mom found out the girl was smoking weed and thinks she left with some guy etc. She was telling me that "things are getting bad out there" but when I look back I knew at that age (when I was in Middle School) of a group of people that did drugs and did other things too. I wasn't in that circle of friends but it got me wondering this is really not new news and how do we/I prevent this from happening to MY child?
What are your thoughts? Have you experienced this yourself? Whether you did it yourself or knew of a family member who did? Do you have a "game plan" so to speak for your child? Are you going to teach them at a really early age about drug abuse and who to hang out with is the 'right' group of friends? WWBD???
I'm so freaked out for J...
Re: Drugs and Other Topics
I want to add that I was raised in a household where I was not afraid to ask my mom about anything - drugs, sex, drinking etc. I was always told that they had an open door policy. My mom always told me that when I was ready to drink to come to her and we would drink together. She found out the day after I lost my virginity (not because I told her but because the woman is a witch, apparently, and knew just by looking at me). I plan on raising my girls the same way. With an open door, judgement free policy.
My real fear is how YOUNG things like this are starting. Kids in second grade having sex? 10 year old girls knowing about oral sex? That is what freaks me out. The age...how young is too young to start talking to our kids about this stuff? And more importantly, how old is too late?
I know my opinion is probably unpopular, but I'm going to give it to you anyway
My parents were very open with me as I was growing up. They encouraged me to be honest with them and I can say that I always was. I knew that they had smoked pot when they were in college. I went to a small high school where drinking and drugs were not out of the question. My parents had always told me that they did not approve of me drinking but if I was ever in a situation where I had been drinking or with other people who were to call them and they would come get me, no questions asked. They didn't want me to be so afraid of their reaction that I would drive or get into a a car with someone who was. They wanted me to come to them first, and I always did. Same with drugs. They did not encourage it and told me not to do, however same deal I was told about my dad's friend who died after he OD'd on something (can't remember what now), and they warned me about how bad some drugs could be. I did drink and I did smoke pot as a teen. When my parents found out, they were not happy with me and I know I got in trouble, but never extreme, never threats. I felt that I could go to them. I never did any other drugs or anything else. I never felt like it was "forbidden fruit" if that makes sense. I do plan on raising Alexis much the same way. I want to have rules, but I never want her to feel that she has to hide anything from me. That doesn't mean that she can do whatever she wants. And, as far as drugs and alcohol are concerned, they're going to do it anyway, so I'd rather know about it, than have it hidden from me. The kids I knew who were super sheltered then went off to college, did it the first chance they got and were away from home, and went to a much worse extreme than I ever did.
I think the most important thing we can do for our kids is to communicate. Get to know their friends. My house was always open and my mom always was very involved in my life. SHe knew all of my friends from a young age and knew their parents.
Yeah I think so too, I plan to be really involved. I want to be the Taxi mom or the Soccer mom or whatever you want to call it. I don't want to be a helicopter mom but more of a cool mom that takes the kids out and gives them space to have private conversations but still know where they are and with who.
I also think it needs to be continuous and every year the same pattern; repeat conversations and more involment. The elementary years are easiest because that is when they are young and innocent but once they get to be 10 or up we still need to be there to guide them and watch them just like when they were 5.
MelB - When you are 10 (or in 5th grade) you take Sex-Ed so you get to know all about the birds and the bees vs just knowing a penis goes in a vagina and you have a baby LOL. So 10 sounds really young but that is when they start teaching
Lee - what did your parents say or do when they found out you were smoking pot or drinking? Because like you say even with knowing how your parents feel and talking to them it won't prevent kids from trying it. So if you find out what do you do to make sure it doesn't become a habit for them??
The constantly repeated to me to NEVER drink and drive, whether I was driving or someone else. They told me that over and over and over again. (my mom still tells me that and I'm 33!). They cautioned me to not go over board and never drink a lot because that's when people do stupid things and make bad decisions. Same with drugs,they told me over and over about how addicting things like coke could be and told me to never try those things, as for smoking pot, they never made a big issue out of it - not approving of it, but not being angry. They were actually really mad at me when they caught me with a cigarette, and I never became a smoker. Also, they stressed good grades and doing well in school, which I did - eventually I had an academic full scholarship to college, so I felt like they picked their battles with me.
Same with sex, since I was in catholic school, sex ed was abstinence (which I disagree with). I think it's SO important to teach teens, boys and girls about safe sex. Abstinence is great, but I think parents are naive if they think it's going to happen, sure a few kids do wait, but many many more do not. I was taught about safe sex and my mom took me to get birth control pills.
BFP #3: 01/28/12, EDD: 09/23/12, MMC (BO), D&C 2/16/12 at 6.5 wks
BFP #4: 05/23/12, EDD: 01/31/12, Early MC at 5 wks
RPL Workup: + LPD (7DPO Prog = 7.8, Endometrial Bx = out of phase)
Elevated Alpha 2-glycoprotein IgA and antiphosphatidylserine IgM -->
Hematologist said not to worry and no need for treatment!
Dx: LPD
Cycle #1(08/2012): Clomid 50 mg CD3-7, Ovidrel CD13 + Progesterone = It worked!
BFP #5 on 09/10/12 (11 DPO). HCG #1 @ 14DPO = 131.6 HCG #2 @ 16DPO = 509
EDD: 05/23/2013
I think that there is very little you can realistically do to stop that from happening to your child. I'd say that all you can really do is raise them the best you can and teach them values, blah blah blah, However, I won't. It's been my personal experience that upbringing, in reality, has very little to do with how a person turns out. Two siblings with the same upbringing can turn out in very different ways. Take my brother and me, for example. I'm a Miss Goody Two Shoes, never drank, never did drugs, never really defied authority, got in trouble with the law, etc. You could be smoking weed next to me and I would NOT be the wiser. My brother, on the other hand, is the exact opposite in EVERYTHING.
We were raised by the same parents, in the same circumstances, faced the same issues and hardships, etc. I really think that once the "kid" is grown, and even before, it's really out of your hands and up to them to be whatever it is they are going to be.
I should also add that my brother never saw drugs, etc in our family so it's not like he was used to it and thought it was OK.
I really think it's mostly chance, that probably doesn't help you much! It is something most parents worry about though, you are not alone.
I do agree with Leanna on the sex thing. Parents can't pretend their teens are not having sex because many (even most I'd say) are. You can't wear blinders and think you do not need to talk to them about sex and protection because guess what, someone else already has! Instead of telling you'll kill them if they have sex, KNOW that they will and let them know that even though you do not support it, they can count on you. Most importantly, talk to them about protection because the sex itself isn't the problem, it's the consequences.
As much of a Miss Goody Two Shoes that I was/am, I was a very horny teenager and I'll stop right there, make your own conclusions