When your mother doesn't like the name

Tulippearl08 · February 2011

Feeling really down here...after successfully getting pregnant, finding out it's a healthy little boy, and arriving at a name that both my husband and I love, I made a huge mistake: telling my mother the name.

We decided on the name Ezra, which I have loved before we were dreaming of children, which my husband also loves, and which sounds lovely with my husband's last name. We weighed a number of other options, thought about family names, sat with different names and systematically discarded them...and kept coming back to Ezra. So Ezra it is. And we are thrilled. I know it isn't for everyone, but it works for us and at the end of the day, that is what matters most.

And my mother hates it. Paired with my husband's last name, she thinks it is too "ethnic" and that people will make assumptions about his faith. This smacks a bit of prejudice to me, but could be because she had never heard the name before. Either way, I just had a long conversation with her in which it became very obvious she wasn't just ambivalent about it: she hates it. She has suggested other names, repeatedly pointed out that it is a Jewish name, and made no attempts to even try to hide her dislike of it. Which you know, kind of hurts. Especially since my husband is half Jewish.

While I am not someone who consults my mother on many things and while I tend to be the type to make decisions and then suffer the consequences, this current situation is really making me sad when there is so much to be happy about. Maybe this is what I need to remember...but I'm struggling with feeling so disappointed by my mother's reaction and the fundamental reasons behind her objection to the name: that it's too "ethnic".

How do I move past this? Thanks in advance for your thoughts...and sorry to be such a Debbie Downer. I'm usually much more upbeat than this.

IU_baby · February 2011

You either have to stand your ground and use the name you love or change it. I personally wouldn't change my mind if I loved a name, regardless of the opinions of people in my life.

Besides, I'm guessing she'll move past her opinion of the name once it's attached to her grandson.

Tulippearl08 · February 2011

Thank you - you are so right. I'm hoping she will too. She did say "I'll love him as much as I love my other grandchildren, but I'm not going to love the name." That's something, I suppose!

HannahO28 · February 2011

When my parents first got pregnant they wanted to name the baby Hannah. But my grandmother HATED it so they changed it to Emily. Somewhere along the line though they decided that her opinion didn't matter so they named their second baby (yours truly) Hannah.

I don't think it matters at all if your mother hates the name. She'll like it once it is on the baby and really...it doesn't matter anyway. It was incredibly rude of her to tell you that she hates it because it will make you son sound "too Jewish". What exactly is her probably with her grandson having a name that sounds Jewish anyway?

I love the name Ezra. I've considered it myself. It is becoming more popular and I don't think everyone automatically assumes someone with that name is of the Jewish faith (I've considered using it myself and I'm not Jewish).

Allie30 · February 2011

I think it probably mostly hurts because it reveals your mother's somewhat prejudiced outlook.

Stick to your guns. It's your baby. And don't share names.

Malibuxo · February 2011

Stick with your name.

ryry1977 · February 2011

I think that once the baby is here and she uses the name for a couple of months that it will fit great and your mom will not think of any other name that would fit better! Very nice name and I hope that you stick with it:)

forensicmama · February 2011

Bottom line: It's not your mother's choice.

PS: Ezra is an awesome name. Period. And Ezra isn't "too ethnic". It's biblical - same as Samuel, Anna, Elizabeth and Matthew. If Ezra is too ethnic, then so are all of those names. IMO, your mom is being stupid. At least you aren't naming him something totally stupid... like Zhaydyn. Ha!

HappyMrsK · February 2011

She had the opportunity to name her own children and she has no right to name yours. I think if this is the name you love you should use it and she will have to get used to it. I think like you said, it's just an unfamiliar name to her so once she has your LO to associate it with I'm sure she will change her mind.

IMHO it doesn't matter if she likes it or not because it's not her child. I would just tell her that this is the name you and your husband have decided on, and she can keep her comments to herself.

Tulippearl08 · February 2011

Hahahaha. You guys know how to make a gal feel better! I think that a PP hit the proverbial nail on the head: it forces me to confront my mom's narrow-mindedness about such things, which really flies in the face of how she and my father raised us. So it's kind of shocking and disappointing and hurtful. And doesn't make my husband feel so great - about his ethnicity, his last name, and our decision. Good times.

Ezra it will remain. And the hurt feelings will subside over time, I'm sure.

melody921 · February 2011

Ugh, and this is why we didn't tell anyone our name choices before DS was born. Bottom line, if you and DH love the name, that's all that matters. Tell your mom, or anyone else speaking out against your choice, that you'd appreciate if they not weigh in,

quezzo · February 2011

I love the name! Your mom was able to name her children and now you get to name yours.

forensicmama · February 2011

Tulippearl08:
Hahahaha. You guys know how to make a gal feel better! I think that a PP hit the proverbial nail on the head: it forces me to confront my mom's narrow-mindedness about such things, which really flies in the face of how she and my father raised us. So it's kind of shocking and disappointing and hurtful. And doesn't make my husband feel so great - about his ethnicity, his last name, and our decision. Good times.
Ezra it will remain. And the hurt feelings will subside over time, I'm sure.

Party!!!

plunderb · February 2011

Stick to your name.

It's the one you love, it is not misspelled, and it will work well on a little boy and on a grown man. I don't think it sounds particularly Jewish, but even if it does sound Jewish to your mother, she may need reminding that your son will, in fact, have Jewish heritage. It is perfectly ok to tell your mom that you think that her "hatred" of this name is coming across as prejudiced.

I don't know whether this is encouraging, or not, but my grandmother hated two of my brothers' names. She thought that they should have Italian names, but, instead, my parents gave them names from my mom's mother's family (my siblings and I are 3/4 Italian, but we have one Irish grandmother). For years, my father's mother refused to use my brothers' names. She called them Joseph and Anthony (those were not their names or mns, she just made them up). She would refer to them by her made-up names, put those names on their gifts, etc. Now, my brothers think it is a hilarious story, but it was hurtful to them as young children. I hope your mom gets over herself before Ezra is born, but if she doesn't, you would be perfectly within your rights to point out that she is out of line.

And in the future, don't share names.

still_a_bride · February 2011

I completely don't understand why people in our parents' generation think of names as being too "ethnic," specifically when it comes to the Jewish race/culture. We've decided on the name Levi for our second son. His middle name is going to be after my dad - Michael. So when we announced the name Levi my dad said, "that's a Jewish name, you know." He didn't say whether he disliked it, just kept stating multiple times that it's a Jewish name. I said yeah, so is your name, Michael. And almost every other name that is in the Bible! Would he have said that about the name Adam or Aaron or even a New Testament name like James? I think it is so odd that some Biblical names are "too Jewish" and others aren't. Anyway, I understand how you feel. While my dad didn't state that he disliked the name, I was also a little hurt and confused about the his opinion that it was "too Jewish."

lovinfall · February 2011

It doesn't smack at being prejudice. It is prejudice. Most of us live in the modern world where you can't distinguish ethnicity or religious affiliation by a simple name. Therefore, I would not take her opinion in to account.

ArcadianDreams · February 2011

Ezra is definitely a more recently coming-back name, which I bet is why she is squawking at it. It may not be common but it's perfectly respectable, it's biblical and traditinal. It's not like you are naming him Ehzrah.

TBLilyRose · February 2011

As my mom always said..."I may not like the name, but I will LOVE the baby no matter what" and the name would grow on her. She wasn't crazy about my nephew's name but she loves him to pieces and has more of a fondness for the name since it's her grandson's now.

Remember, she had her chance to name her kids, now it's your turn!

sweetface83 · February 2011

Your uterus. Your baby. Your name.

I know how you feel though. I knew my grandmother would hate any name that would have a possibly ethnic undertone. I'm white and DH is black and she can't, and probably never will, get past that. She said the name Maya was "too black." Someone else had made the mistake of sharing the name with her. Not their fault bc I didn't warn them.

Anyway, even though I knew she would behave that way, it still hurt. I understand you were bought up in a different time and you have your prejudices, but how the heck can you lay them on my child? She threw her hissy fit, and then was either over it 2 weeks later or chose not to bring it up again, bc I wasn't feeding into it. Or, she felt defeated when I pointed out the Maya comes from Sanskirt, which is a language spoken in India.

gokeyoke987 · February 2011

When a friend of mine announced a named they liked, her mom cried b/c she hated it so much...they picked a different name, but now still are considering the other for future LOs.

Honestly, I had no idea what ethnicity Ezra was! Someone also said that Samuel "was a Jewish name" to us...it still bothers me to this day, I thought we were beyond that type of thinking! Name your child something you love, everyone else will come around

stahlop · February 2011

My mother doesn't like the girl name we have picked out. She has gone as far as suggesting other names we could use. I told her it's not her baby and my DH and I like it. Your mother doesn't have to like the name, it's your baby.

supersomrs · February 2011

HappyMrsK:
She had the opportunity to name her own children and she has no right to name yours. I think if this is the name you love you should use it and she will have to get used to it. I think like you said, it's just an unfamiliar name to her so once she has your LO to associate it with I'm sure she will change her mind.

IMHO it doesn't matter if she likes it or not because it's not her child. I would just tell her that this is the name you and your husband have decided on, and she can keep her comments to herself.

agree completely. ezra joseph is on our list of possible names and we're not jewish - i'm filipino catholic and MH is chinese baptist. it's a great name!!!

asibilrud · February 2011

I am not the least bit Jewish, Hebrew or anything of the sort! I love the names Ezra, Malachi and Isaiah. It my baby turns out to be a boy, he will have one of these three names. Go with what you and your hubby want!!!!!!! Your mother will change her mind when the name is associated with her precious grandson!

kacelle · February 2011

I LOVE Ezra. It's one of my and DH's top boy names, and we're not Jewish. Use the name you love, and don't let other people's negative comments make you doubt yourself! My mom HATES one of my and DH's favourite girl names, and tells us so repeatedly, but we'd still use it for a future LO.

sallydraper · February 2011

HannahO28:
What exactly is her probably with her grandson having a name that sounds Jewish anyway?

I'm sorry, but this would not sit well with me. My mom has also said a few things over the years that I consider prejudiced, which she chalks up to a 1950's generational thing from growing up in a very ethnically divided neighborhood in NYC, but it doesn't matter...it's still wrong! I really hope you can have a sincere discussion with her about her prejudices.

As far as the name issue, if it were me, I would use the name regardless of your mom's opinion. It's a decision you and your husband should make, not her...and especially not for the reason she stated. And I wouldn't share any other name thoughts with her either. (FWIW, we're keeping our name a secret until after our daughter is born b/c we just don't want to hear anyone's opinions - good or bad. We just don't care

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