2nd Trimester

Baby Shower Etiquette, am i right or wrong here....? *Vent*

So this is kind of a vent/rant but now i'm just curious on what other peoples (outsiders looking in), thoughts are on this situation.  I'll try to make this semi-long story as short as possible. 

So one of my really good friends the past couple of years, when I told her that i was expecting our first child, she was super happy and said "I really want to throw you a baby shower, can i throw you a shower".  so i said yes.  This was in October.  She hasn't brought it up sense, and i haven't brought it up sense. 

Lately, I've been sensing some things that are off.   and one of our mutual friends said to me yesterday "you need to call Morgan and talk to her about the baby shower".  I said to her, that "i didn't feel it was right to bring it up and that if she wanted to bring it up then at that point i'd be happy to start going over guest list and where at, ect".  So our mutual friend, totally flipped out and said that it's MY responsibility to bring it up to Morgan to start the planning process!

 Anyways, long story short, I never brought it back up to her because i didn't want her to feel obligated that she HAD to throw me a shower.  and either way, i can't believe she is this upset about it!  i'm kind of awestruck and now don't know how to approach my friend about the subject.  I STILL don't feel that i should be the one to bring it up.  

 This was a pretty long conversation, and that was the main topic and thing that upset me.  but the OTHER thing that made me mad, is that i put on Facebook that "we are expecting a girl".  We told only our parents and then i made the post on facebook.  didn't think much of it.  Well, apparently it upset my friends that I didn't call them first and they had to find out about it on facebook.  Is that not crazy?  or is that just me?  

I'm a pretty realistic person and very understanding.  but i feel like i'm almost being attacked and analyzed over here over silly little things.  

There's alot more to the conversation but those were the two main topics.  UGH. I haven't dealt with girl drama in 10 years-highschool!  

I'm just debating if i should call them both up and ask to meet up for lunch and put all this out in the open.   

 



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Re: Baby Shower Etiquette, am i right or wrong here....? *Vent*

  • Sounds like a bunch of drama to me.  I would not do lunch - that would just make it worse.  Send your friend (the one who mentioned the shower) a message that you were wondering if the offer still stands and if not, no biggie, but you wanted to check.  You shouldn't have to contact her about it but the fact is that you need to if you want answers. 

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  • imageCutieBean79:

    Sounds like a bunch of drama to me.  I would not do lunch - that would just make it worse.  Send your friend (the one who mentioned the shower) a message that you were wondering if the offer still stands and if not, no biggie, but you wanted to check.  You shouldn't have to contact her about it but the fact is that you need to if you want answers. 

    Yeah, I'd just go ahead and bring it up to the friend who offered directly - this middleman friend seems to be causing confusion.  It's awkward, and I agree that your friend SHOULD have brought it back up to you if she wanted to do it still, but maybe she doesn't know that, so there's no harm in asking, "Hey, a while back you'd mentioned maybe wanting to throw a shower...does that offer still stand?  Not a problem if things have changed, just let me know, someone was asking if someone was throwing a shower!" or something like that. 



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  • Honestly, i find it funny that this is such an issue.  I just figured, we have plenty of time until a shower, so i never even thought much of it.  But apparently, they have though lots about it!  


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  • It's fuzzy to me whether you know for certain that the friend who offered to host the shower is upset that you haven't been following up about it or if it's just Morgan who thinks that's a problem. But certainly my understanding of etiquette is that once you accept an offer to host that you're supposed to stay completely out of the way unless specifically asked for feedback somewhere, like with a guest list. If your hosting friend wants to go an unconventional route, that's her right, but she can't expect you to be psychic about it.

    The issue of who has a special right to hear things directly and ahead of everyone else is one of those political things that sadly does not end with high school but it's always one you need to just ignore.

    I'd have a direct conversation with the friend who offered to host, but leave the other one out of it for now because she's already acting upset so including her just increasing the odds of drama and conflict.

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  • If it were me, I wouldn't do anything. They are the ones with the problem and the issue. If they want to meet up and discuss what's bothering them, that's fine. I wouldn't get involved at all with their drama. Also, I completely agree with you, it's not your place to ask your friend about your baby shower. If and when she wants to throw it, she will approach you about it. Basically, stay out of the drama....LOL.
  • Call her up and just ask if everything is ok and just tell her that you are sorry if there was any misunderstanding or hurt feelings. I understand not bringing up a shower because if she said she wanted to throw you one then I would think it's her place to bring it up not yours. I can sort of understand the Facebook thing though, I made sure to let close friends and family know before I ever did the Facebook post because some people are really sensitive to finding out via facebook. Hope things work out with your friend!
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  • I would meet up for lunch or at least have a phone conversation. Leave the messages and emails out of it! You guys are having some miscommunication issues, and I don't think any of the less personal ways of talking will benefit.

    I would explain exactly what you said- that you honestly didn't want to bring up the shower b/c you felt kind of embarassed. 

    I would also add that you didn't think about posting the gender on FB before you did it. Explain that you were so excited about it, that you wanted to tell everyone ASAP. 

    I do not think you were wrong at all about the planning- I haven't mentioned any showers to people either. However, try to cut her some slack on the gender reveal. Technology does feel a little cold/distant to people who consider themselves close. 

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  • Honestly, I would just call her and see what the deal is. I think you're both making drama on both ends, her by having issues with a baby shower and you not wanting to bring it up.

    I'd just say, "Hey remember when we talked about the shower, is there something up? I don't want anyone upset, so tell me what's up?"

    As for FB. People are way too damn sensitive about it. I'd just let it go.

    Also, are you sure there's really anything wrong? It kind of sounds to me like the MiddleMan in this story is looking for a fight.

  • my friends knew the sex of my baby before my family.  If I found out my good friend notified everyone on FB before me, I'd be ticked, but I'm talking BFF, not just acquaintance friends.

    as far as reaching out to your friend about the shower, you can call her and offer her the guest list and addresses.  Ask her if she needs help with addressing and stuffing envelopes.

  • As far as the baby shower situation, I don't think bringing it up is bad etiquette. Just casually mention, "Hey you mentioned something about throwing me a shower, still planning on it." Something like that. My sister is throwing one of mine, and my MIL is throwing the other. With my sister I had to be like hey, we should set a date for that. Otherwise she would still do it, but not plan anything until 2 days before, and then my mom and I would end up having do most of the work. But my MIL I just brought it up, and said that I wanted to do before April so I could finish getting what I needed. No one thought this was bad etiquette. Then again I live in the south and maybe our etiquette is a little more casual.

    The facebook problem. Well your friends shouldn't be mad. We only told our parents and siblings over the phone. Then we posted it on fb, with the technology we  have today, this is how information and news is being exchanged. 

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  • imagemkd00:

    I would meet up for lunch or at least have a phone conversation. Leave the messages and emails out of it! You guys are having some miscommunication issues, and I don't think any of the less personal ways of talking will benefit.

    I would explain exactly what you said- that you honestly didn't want to bring up the shower b/c you felt kind of embarassed. 

    I would also add that you didn't think about posting the gender on FB before you did it. Explain that you were so excited about it, that you wanted to tell everyone ASAP. 

    I do not think you were wrong at all about the planning- I haven't mentioned any showers to people either. However, try to cut her some slack on the gender reveal. Technology does feel a little cold/distant to people who consider themselves close. 

     

    This. 

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  • I think the friend who 'flipped out' is the one with the problem.  So what if you haven't brought up anything yet with your friend Morgan.  I still think it's a bit early anyways to have a shower, you're only 19 weeks, and it takes all of a couple of weeks to plan it.  You still have plently of time, why is there the need to pressure anyone (you or Morgan). 

     I agree it's just silly drama, and the last thing you need is unnecessary drama.  Let things cool off for a week or two, and then decide if you want to talk to them.  


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  • I'd wait a couple weeks too but I would try to have a conversation with your friend (not the one in the middle) about what's going on with her. I wonder if there's something she's upset about maybe has nothing to do with the shower. either way, they shouldn't be putting this on you and making you stress like that.
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  • IMO perhaps she hasn't brought it up again because although you now know she wanted to throw you one she still wants it to be a surprise. I have two BFF's and one of them was pregnant last year. She knew we were throwing her a shower, but that's all she knew. We knew her well enough to know who her friends were and family and stuff and we did all the work ourselves. It worked out really nice because I had just gotten a new house and she hadn't been over yet so we set it up so the last room she would see was the room with the surprise shower. And although she knew it was coming the timing had shocked her and she was still surprised. I don't think you should be the one to bring it up because then it just makes you seem desperate in a way. She offered and I saw you are only 19 weeks, I don't know what most people's standards are but we didn't throw my friends until she was 36 weeks. Your friend may not have brought it up again because maybe she doesn't think it needs to be planned this early. Although if you are, or think you may be receiving big items like a crib or something that should be done long before baby comes, maybe 30 weeks is better. Either way IMO I think your friend still has tons of time to plan it and again maybe she still wants that surprise factor to be there for you. Unless you know for sure that she has been complaining to others that you haven't brought it up again I wouldn't bring it up.

    Your story was a little fuzzy but it sounds like this other friend that said you should be bringing it up, maybe she's just a very detail orientated and planned out person or something but it's none of her buisness if she's not throwing you the shower. And besides that, I had another friend just a couple weeks ago that didn't even bother to tell his family they were pregnant before he announced it on FB, and everyone was happy for him just the same. It shouldn't be about whether or not you called them to let them know the sex, they should be happy for you regardless. I also had a friend that was mad at me before I made the big announcement because I didn't run and tell her right away, and she was just shocked that she wasn't one of the ones I told (keeping in mind she's not even a close friend, I met her through my SO and we don't really even hang out that often). My family didn't even know, and the only person that did was my boss because I work with chemicals and I had to let him know I couldn't anymore and he told his wife who told my friend because they work together. Ultimately I just told her it was none of her buisness until I decided to personally make it her buisness and if I decided to do that with an announcement on FB after I let my family know then so be it. Some people are just rude and that's not what you need to surround yourself when you are pregnant. The added stress is not good for you or baby.

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  • imageCutieBean79:

    Sounds like a bunch of drama to me.  I would not do lunch - that would just make it worse.  Send your friend (the one who mentioned the shower) a message that you were wondering if the offer still stands and if not, no biggie, but you wanted to check.  You shouldn't have to contact her about it but the fact is that you need to if you want answers. 

    This and I hate it when people make things about what they want and not it being your life! 

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  • imageMrs.Saxy:

    my friends knew the sex of my baby before my family.  If I found out my good friend notified everyone on FB before me, I'd be ticked, but I'm talking BFF, not just acquaintance friends.

    I agree with this.  We had family asking on FB what our baby's sex was (a cousin of DH did an elective ultrasound for us to find out, and she told the family she was doing it) and I purposely wouldn't answer/didn't post it until I was able to tell my close friends.  I took my three best friend's out to lunch and told them.  I wouldn't want to find out my bff's baby's sex through FB!

    It seems like there's so much baby shower drama going on.  I would think if you friend really wanted to throw one it would be her responsibility to contact you and ask what dates work and what your guest list is.

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  • honestly, I would have told friends first but that's me...however we're Team Green Wink
  • honestly I would have told friends b4 putting it on FB but that's my opinion...however we're Team Green Stick out tongue
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