I lost my angels 07/2010, 04/2017, 10/2017
Meimsx no more
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May 2011 Moms
sparkymcgeee
member
Dh wants to throw the baby shower
sparkymcgeee
member
He's afraid the people in my family aren't going to throw me one. I don't know if anyone is planning one and if they are they aren't talking to me about it. Maybe they are trying to make it a surprise or something. I don't know. But as tacky as this is (and I'm fully aware of the tackiness) we are kind of counting on at least some of the things on our registry.
So is DH throwing or at least helping my family throw the shower tacky? I lean towards yes because its our child. I don't really see the difference between him throwing a shower and ME throwing the shower. Plus, generally the fathers don't show up for the shower. They go off with other men and do their own thing. If I throw a party I want to be there. I guess if we did a couples shower it wouldn't be weird but I can't imagine a ton of men would want to show up. Thoughts? Should he take control or just try talking to my family or just leave it alone and hope they come through?
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Dh wants to throw the baby shower
Maybe I'm the only one who feels this way, but I think it's tacky for an expectant mother's family to throw a shower. I DEFINITELY think that your DH throwing your shower would be tacky. As others say on these boards all the time, a baby shower is a privilege, not a right.
It also bothers me when people say that they are "counting on" people buying things for their baby from their registry.
BFP #1 9/7/10, EDD 5/14/11, Violet born 5/27/11.
BFP #2 4/9/12, EDD 12/16/12, M/C Rory 4/24/12.
BFP #3 10/6/12, EDD 6/16/12., Matilda born 6/17/13.
I really think it's basically the same thing as you throwing yourself a shower. It's just as much his baby as it is yours. It's great if he wants to be involved and be there at the shower, but I wouldn't let him play host.
I don't find anything tacky about a mother or MIL throwing the mama-to-be a shower though. It's not their child (no matter how much a grandma might feel like it!) any more than it is an aunt or a cousin's child.
I don't mean to flame but it really is in poor taste for your immediate family to throw a shower. ESPECIALLY your husband. I even cringe when I see that a grandparent of the expected LO is throwing the shower, whether it is your mother or your MIL, it's just tacky.
Maybe throw out hints, to friends who inquire about your shower, that you haven't gotten any offers yet??
Yeah well when we got pregnant DH and I were both employed with savings and doing just fine. Then we moved and DH went back to school and no one is hiring the pregnant girl. Or they are letting her go when they find out she's pregnant. So like I said, I know its tacky and if we knew what our financial situation would be just a few months later we wouldn't have gotten pregnant.
And why is my sister or mom throwing me a shower tacky? My best friend lives 800 miles away. I know a shower is not a right. I understand that but I threw a shower for my sister. My mom threw a shower for my SIL. My other SIL had a shower thrown by her mom. I've never heard that a shower thrown by a family member was tacky but maybe I just live in a tacky family.
I lost my angels 07/2010, 04/2017, 10/2017
Meimsx no more
People will still give you things for the baby if you don't have a shower. And who knows, maybe someone will bring it up to you soon? But having your DH host a shower is practically asking for hand-outs.
I hosted a baby shower for my SIL with another one of my SILs, and I don't have a problem with that. But I wouldn't feel comfortable with my mom, my sisters, or my MIL hosting a shower. I just feel like that's crossing the line. If I wouldn't have felt comfortable with it for a bridal shower, I don't think it's any different when it comes to a baby shower.
BFP #1 9/7/10, EDD 5/14/11, Violet born 5/27/11.
BFP #2 4/9/12, EDD 12/16/12, M/C Rory 4/24/12.
BFP #3 10/6/12, EDD 6/16/12., Matilda born 6/17/13.
Your husband's sister or your brother's wife? Either way, I don't see much difference in a SIL and a biological sister hosting a shower. If it's your brother's wife - it's as much as your brother's baby as it is hers, if it's your husband's sister - she's your family too now because you married into it. I think you crossed your own line.
Just don't. If YOU openly admit to it's tackiness, and you very much want a shower, then you answer your own question... just don't.
And I'd bet 90% of what you MUST HAVE on the registry if expendable. Really, the baby needs breastmilk or formula and a place to sleep. All the rest is just bonus.
Neither; it was my husband's brother's wife. Her shower actually DID cross my line since it was a shower for her second baby girl...but my other SIL (another of DH's brother's wives) asked me to co-host.
I'm really not trying to be offensive. I wouldn't be all that judgmental if I received an invitation for a shower hosted by family members (with the exception of the baby's father); I just wouldn't personally feel comfortable if it was my immediate family or my MIL. You have a point though; the baby IS as much DH's as it is mine. I guess my thought is just that the shower is typically only attended by the expectant mother and I wouldn't want people to think, "Ooh, her mom and sisters are hosting a party for her to get awesome gifts." Even though the gifts are for the baby, the shower is definitely geared toward the mother.
BFP #1 9/7/10, EDD 5/14/11, Violet born 5/27/11.
BFP #2 4/9/12, EDD 12/16/12, M/C Rory 4/24/12.
BFP #3 10/6/12, EDD 6/16/12., Matilda born 6/17/13.
I could never host a baby shower for my husband's brother's wife. She's a terrible human being. That would be crossing my line!
I'm curious as to why your other SIL thought it was appropriate to throw her a shower. Was it her first child with your BIL? Her first child in a really long time? My cousin's fiancee is pregnant right now and she's getting a shower because it's her first child with my cousin, even though she already has a son. Tricky situation. I could never have a shower for a second child.
I completely agree that he shouldn't. I just don't want to ask my friends and family if they are planning anything. That seems tacky too.
I wish our financial situation hadn't changed and we didn't need anything off a registry. That we could just go into BRU and get whatever we need but reality is very different right now. I'm having a really hard time accepting that reality and it stresses me out everyday. I'm surprised my blood pressure isn't through the roof honestly. I've never struggled like this before. I haven't needed to rely on others and we were totally fine during the summer. So much can change in such a short amount of time.
I lost my angels 07/2010, 04/2017, 10/2017
Meimsx no more
Haha, I'm really lucky to have two awesome SILs. I get along with my ILs a lot better than my own family!
I'm really not sure...I think she was just really excited for them because they'd been trying to get pregnant for so long and the fertility drugs were finally successful? Her first daughter was with BIL, and the girls are 5 years apart. They were even born in the same month, so it's not like the clothing she still had was season-inappropriate...I drove up for the shower and helped host by setting up and footing my share of the bill, but I wouldn't have felt comfortable with it if it were me. Second showers (or "sprinkles") just seem unnecessary, even when they're for a baby of a different sex. Just buy the big items in gender-neutral colours/patterns and then you won't "need" all of them re-purchased for you later!
BFP #1 9/7/10, EDD 5/14/11, Violet born 5/27/11.
BFP #2 4/9/12, EDD 12/16/12, M/C Rory 4/24/12.
BFP #3 10/6/12, EDD 6/16/12., Matilda born 6/17/13.
Where you live now, you are "new" right? Are you sure you would even get the things off your registry that you "need" even if he did throw you a shower where you live now? I assume you mean bigger items. I would start combing Craigslist. And not all of baby "needs" are actual needs, but I suspect you know that.
You know I am an etiquette pearl clutcher so I know I don't have to tell you how incredibly tacky this is.
A rule of thumb (and I read Etiquettehell almost daily...that is where all the pearl clutchers live) is that it is OK for a mom/sister/SIL to throw a shower ONLY if it is a family-only shower or a shower for family and extremely close friends. NOT the kind where you invite people you just met, or people from work that you aren't close to, etc. It is never OK for the mom or the dad to throw it.
Actually I'm not really. I moved away from home three years ago and we moved back to my home town. So it would be people I grew up with.
As for the bolded part, that's who it would be. My family and people I grew up with in church and really close family friends. Very few of my close friends live here anymore.
I lost my angels 07/2010, 04/2017, 10/2017
Meimsx no more
Agree.
I have to agree that your DH should not be hosting a shower. And, most importantly, if you're tight on money, why waste what you do have throwing a party for other people? Take the money he would use for the shower and go somewhere cheaper than BRU, like Walmart or KMart and purchase the items you really need for baby. BRU is very expensive compared to same/similar items elsewhere anyway.
Start buying things each pay period, or setting money aside each pay check and make a list of your needs in order of priority and whittle away. You will feel better when all is said and done if you take this on yourself and don't rely on other people.
If things are that tight, start combing garage sales, second hand stores, craig's list or request assistance from your church. Good luck to you, I'm sorry things are so tight and I hope you find a solution that works for you and your husband.
He can NOT throw the shower!!! No way, it's the same as you throwing a shower for yourself. You guys can't even throw a couples shower. Tacky, tacky, tacky. Let someone else step up and host for you or do without some of the wants on your registry.
IMO, family members shouldn't even throw the shower, but I know that it happens in lots of circles (grandmothers and sisters host).
I'm not being rude at all, but your financial situation is partly due to choices you guys made. He chose to quit his job, move and go back to school. You could have held off on all those life changes while planning a baby. You can't blame your situation.
A baby doesn't "need" much. Some onesies, a carseat, someplace to sleep. Diapers, and little necessities like that. I'm not sure what you need so badly from BRU that you have to have a shower. You only need to buy the carseat new ($100). If you get on Craigslist, you will see beds and all kinds of baby gear for $100 and less. If you buy a pack of diapers every month or so until May you will be good to go when LO gets here. Having a lot of baby gear is not a necessity.
We do have the crib. We also have plenty of clothes. So that's a plus. Honestly the only thing I'm really worried about is a carseat, diapers and if I can't breastfeed for some reason then we need some bottles.
I know I'm over thinking this but its just a stressful situation. I've never had a problem getting a job and we had money. The thought of it running out before we got employment was just a foreign concept. I know we only have ourselves to blame but it was a good opportunity and we thought we would be better off for it.
I lost my angels 07/2010, 04/2017, 10/2017
Meimsx no more
i know you are INCREDIBLY stressed, so I'm sorry if my post was harsh. = )
Really, if you just need a carseat and diapers, and maybe bottles, I bet we can find some for you for good deals online.
Is your DH able to work at all? I know he's in school...but he could also work nights and weekends in retail or waitering/bartending. I worked 2-3 jobs ALL during college and graduated with a 3.5. I know he could manage it.
I'll look online for some good, safe carseats and post for you here.
Honestly, if you can just spare $30 a month to stock up on some diapers, go to www.babycheapskate.com and they post weekly diaper deals. You could just set aside $30 a month to start stocking up and be set when LO gets here.
I'm off to find you a carseat....
Graco Snugride can be found online for $80 (amazon, probably cheaper)
I'm not sure if you can use a convertible seat for infants, but the Cosco Scenera is around $65 and it got good ratings on Baby Cheapskate.
The infant car seat and stroller frame that DH and I have for LO is on sale at Target right now. It gets really good reviews, and looks adorable assembled:
https://www.target.com/Graco-Snugride-Infant-Carseat-Stroller/dp/B003EGEJM2/ref=br_1_37?ie=UTF8&id=Graco Snugride Infant Carseat Stroller&node=3579971&searchView=grid5&searchSize=90&searchPage=1&searchNodeID=3579971&sr=1-37&searchRank=pmrank&frombrowse=1&qid=1296789289
It's only $107.99 during the baby sale, and that includes shipping! A great deal if you don't have a car seat or stroller yet.
BFP #1 9/7/10, EDD 5/14/11, Violet born 5/27/11.
BFP #2 4/9/12, EDD 12/16/12, M/C Rory 4/24/12.
BFP #3 10/6/12, EDD 6/16/12., Matilda born 6/17/13.
I lost my angels 07/2010, 04/2017, 10/2017
Meimsx no more
This seems to be a common suggestion when the topic of hosting your own baby shower comes up but what about if you and your husband host a "meet the baby" party instead of a shower? If you did formal invites, I wouldn't include info about registries or anything like that... I'm pretty sure people will ask you where you are registered and/or bring at least a small gift (diapers, wipes, onesies, etc). People love buying baby stuff. I know I do.
My Acme Box last update 3/28/11
This!
The majority of showers I have been to were thrown by the grandmother or aunt of the new baby. My mother threw me both my bridal shower and baby shower.
Thought I'd say something after I saw the direction this post headed. I'm really sorry about your situation and I understand! First hand. I'm a welfare mommy-to-be. I wasn't supposed to be able to get pg, my FI can't find a job, I'm a waitress and able to work less and less. When I found out I was pg I nearly lost my mind! There are places to help you, though, so please try to relax as much as you can.
Explore your services - I'm getting a PNP from our local service. The carseat comes on a sliding scale, but is around $20. None of this is pretty or fancy, but it gives you the basics to just have a baby.
I registered online for the discount - there are things I'm "counting on" but I can only count on me and FI. If anyone does anything/gets anything, well that would be super helpful and nice. Our church has been very helpful to us, too. I'm constantly surprised by the kindness of strangers. For real.
DH is sweet to want this for you, but I agree with the others. It's hard for them to watch us when times are hard and we're stressed and pg. If you're stuggling, though, your paperwork will reflect that and there will be help! I didn't even have health insurance at the start of mine.
[Sorry I'm going to vent a bit]
I agree but what do you do when they INSIST? My best friend (and only bridesmaid beside my sister) was the first person I told I was pregnant and she called dibs on the baby shower that day. When I relayed the news to my mother she was appalled and blew up about me "not letting the family do anything." So now my Mother and Sister are hosting the shower. I hate the idea because I know my mom won't take ME into consideration at all. It makes it look like we're asking for gifts instead of someone throwing me a party. UGH!
But, if DH really wants to make sure you get a shower hook him up with a friend you can trust by mentioning it to her and going from there.
I'm doing a little bit of tacky, too though. I want DH to have the same experience as his friends did. So I am going to throw him a diaper party/bbq at our house. His family lives so far away and his friends are so busy with their own families I know it won't happen. But because this is more of a conservative bachelor party than it is a gift giving thing I'm not too worried about it.
Also u might want to check if your town has a "storks nest" or the "parenting cottage" The parenting cottage does a safe ride type of class and gives out free car seats after attending the class. The storks nest everytime you go to a prenatal class or drs appt they give you points and then can buy new items from their store... They have like travel systems, cribs, breast pumps, crib bedding, diapers, tolieteries, clothes, etc.
Good luck
Check around in your area, often if you take a Carseat Safety course, they will give you a very nice carseat for free. My mom used to teach one of these classes and I believe they gave away the same carseat we now use, an Evenflo Triumph convertible, which we love.
If you are not able to breastfeed and you are really in dire financial straights, WIC does provide formula.
Buy only "large" size bottles. There is no reason to buy infant bottles, they all have measurements on the side. The plastic Evenflo bottles go on sale at Target/Walmart ALL the time, and I would say when it comes to NEED you could probably get by with about 6 of them.
If you are living somewhere with laundry, you could try cloth diapering. Prefolds and covers are super easy for the infant stage. I got all of mine on Greenmountaindiapers.com seconds sale. None had a thing wrong with them, and they are absolutely fantastic and SUPER cheap. By the time the baby grows out of the infant stage, you will more than likely be able to find a job and if you hate CD's you can move on from them.
I know not everything I have said is helpful but you sound so stressed out and I don't think throwing a shower is going to help it very much. Keep your head up, you will get through this.
I was in a very similar place when we were pregnant with Drew, and it is tough. He wasn't planned but we made the best of it until our situation changed, so hang in there and it will get better.
I would contact your local police or fire station, our's gives out brand new nice car seats on a sliding scale, I think $40 bucks is the most. And as much as it sucks, seriously look into WIC. It's a program that is there in place just for people in your situation and is a great program when people are not abusing it. There is no shame in taking the help when you need it, even if it is embarrassing, as long as you are moving foreword to change your situation.
I don't know if you have any second hand baby boutiques near you, but I know I have found some wicked steals by stopping in constantly. Ours is always getting in nice strollers, bath tubs, boppy, nursing bras, cribs, changing tables, you name it, they have had it. As well as nice brand name baby clothes at a fraction of the cost. Also, you can sign up for diaper and formula coupons online, that little bit off can go a long way. In the end, all you really need is a safe place to sleep, some food and a carseat.
As for the shower, there is no promise you will get the big things anyways, which sucks, but you can't count on it. We had a tiny little shower with Drew and all we got were clothes, which was totally fine, but there is no promise that just because it's on the registry, doesn't mean people will buy it.
Good luck and keep your chin up!