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Naming Daughter After Deceased Relative
Hello everyone! I have a tough question and am hoping someone can help. My husband had a sister who was murdered back in her teens. We are now pregnant with our first child and if it is a girl, he wants to name her after his sister. While I hope this doesn't make me sound like a horrible person, it creeps me out a little bit because of the tragedy associated with it. I also feel like it doesn't give our baby a chance to have her own identity. I have suggested using her first name as a middle name or trying to come up with something similiar, but he is insistent on it. Is there any way to approach this without seeming insensitive or do I need to just bite the bullet and go with it? I really do love him and respect his family ... but I also feel like I am entitled to my feelings as well. HELP!
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Re: Naming Daughter After Deceased Relative
To me, baby naming is something BOTH the mother and the father must agree on 100%. If one doesn't love a name, then it is simply out. Instead of using the "it creeps me out" side of things, can't you just tell him you aren't in love with the name and using it as a middle name is perfect?
Personally, I would not give in to a name that I didn't love, no matter what the reason, but I would allow a mn that meant something to my husband.
I think you should be honest. That while you are comfortable with using her name as a middle name, you feel uncomfortable with using her first name as your daughter's name. THere is no way that this makes you a bad person! You will honor his sister by using her name as a MN, but she will have her own identity w/her own first name.
FWIW, our family has always thought it was incredibly strange that my grandmother named my uncle Jimmy (James Donald) after his twin brothers who passed 18 mo before he was born. (They were preemies).
I have tried explaining this to him ... but his response is, then you better hope for a boy. I know he isn't trying to be mean, I just think this is genuinely important to him. I just can't get past my feelings on it.
Its probably a little harder for me because I never met her, so while I have heard stories, I only associate what happened to her name. And it might be easier if it wasn't her exact name - including last name, but obviously, we can't change our last name!
It just seems like he's trying to get something / someone back through our daughter, and it breaks my heart for both him and our little one to come.
Thanks for the insight.
Hm.
Perhaps try another approach? Such as you don't want your daughter to have a negative connotation to her name, such as a murder. Tell him that is has nothing to do with not wanting to respect his sister, but it's the murder aspect that unsettles you.
What is the name? Maybe you can find another variant of it, or another name with the same meaning? What was her middle name? Maybe that's an option?
As difficult as it may be, discuss your feelings with your husband. He may share similiar concerns. If you don't talk to him things will fester and eventully lead to resentment.
Personally, I wouldn't have a problem naming my child after a deceased relative. In many cultures naming a child after a family member is the norm. The child creates their own identity regardless of their name. It's also an opportunity to focus on the positives of that person and not so much the tragedy.
Problem is, he doesn't get the only say in this. He can't just say your feelings aren't valid. And fwiw, I wouldn't want to give my child the full name (first & last) of someone who was murdered, either. I think using her first or middle name as your child's middle name is a much better idea.
I think if this is something he won't even try to see your side of, it's indicative of some deeper issues (re: the loss of his sister) and it may be time for him to discuss those feelings with someone.
(read it. you know you want to.)
anderson . september 2008
vivian . february 2010
mabel . august 2012
Thanks everyone! I really appreciate the feedback and I feel a lot better. I was truly worried that I was a horrible person for not being supportive of this. It's really a tough position to be in.
I will try again in a couple weeks to talk to him and if we can't agree, I will suggest we go see someone (neutral third party) to help us sort this out.
BTW - the name is Karen.
Ah! Karen?
Well you could do Karina, Katrina, Karine, Katherine, Kate/Katie, as compromises.
Or Claire. Karen means "Pure" and Claire means "Clear". Not the exact same meaning, but it's very close.
Candice means "Pure white, or Fire White" so that's an option too.
First of all you, you are COMPLETELY entitled to your feelings. As is he. So, there has to be some middle ground. Normally I'm not a big proponent of soliciting outside opinions on naming your child. But is it possible to talk to your MIL and FIL and see how they feel? Maybe having a granddaughter with the same name as their daughter who died so tragically would be too hard for them? Maybe they'd appreciate the thought and love to see the name go in the MN spot?
Just a thought.
My DH's sis passed away while she was a teenager as well, however they lost her in a car accident. If we were going to have a DD we would have used her MN as our LOs MN (her middle name was Karine) however her first name is just a little too much for me. Although she has a unique name and it is NMS even if it would have been it would have been off limits. I think it would be too much for the rest of the family to have another person with her same name. In your situation, I would recommend just being honest about the name and coming up with a way to honor her still, but without using her exact name.
So if her name was Karen Marie, for example, your daughter could be Marie Karen.
Of course, that only works if you like the names and are comfortable with it.
GL!
As someone who has that family situation (though didn't want to pass on my deceased sibling's name, as it's HIS) my suggestion is to look up the name Karen in a reverse dictionary. There may be other names meaning "pure" or "clear" - your SIL is still honored, but your daughter has her "own" name.
Depending on your DH's cultural background, it can go either way with your ILs... some people would be horribly insulted if a relative named a child after their deceased one, while others would be horribly insulted if the first grandchild *wasn't* named after their deceased child. And be prepared for the possibility that your MIL and your FIL may have diametrically opposed viewpoints on this issue.
I am doing this. I am using my grandmothers name as a middle name. I think it is important to carry on the name b/c she means so much to me.
I agree with the PP who said flip the FN and MN.
Or using a variation like Caroline.
And try again to explain to your DH that while honoring his sister is great it is not fair to your DD to saddle her with all of that memory and emotion by giving her his sister's complete name.
I named my daughter after my aunt Edith who died of lung cancer, and I was named after my maternal aunt who was murdered before I was born. I've never felt that my name was something to live up to, and I know it gave my mom and my grandmother a certain measure of peace knowing that at least her name wasn't dead. I think you should let your husband have this. You have no idea how damaging it is to be a surviving family member of a murder victim and to give him that small gift might help his family heal just a little bit.