Special Needs

ASD moms, Auntie, I need your help - SN discrimination?

I haven't been on this board in awhile & some of you may not know me. Auntie, you helped me get help for my son some time ago.

Background: my SS Matthew is in 1st grade & has Aspergers. He's in a mainstream classroom & has a 504 plan (working on getting IEP). Like many Aspie's he is akward socially & does not make friends easily. He has one close friend at school who he also rides the bus with. Matthew looks forward to seeing this friend every day. It's the only thing that calms him down in the morning when he is panicky & melting down due to the stress of getting ready for school. 

A couple of months ago I was speaking with the guidance councelor & she mentioned that Friend's parents were concerned because Friend started hitting himself in the head & making self depreciating statements ("I'm bad", "I can't do anything right", "I'm the worst guy ever"). These are some things that Matthew does.

Fast-forward to today, I get a call from the guidance councelor saying that Friend's parents came in two weeks ago & are even more concerned with the behaviors they are seeing in their child. Again, I guess he is mimicking Matthew. The guidance councelor met with Friend & she said that Friend said "I'm acting like Matthew & I'm having trouble stopping" They agreed that maybe it was better if Friend hung around some other kids in the classroom & not just Matthew. This is all fine.

But then she said that they have been doing things to "gently" keep the children apart. They are redirecting them at lunch by having Matthew sit down first & putting two other children next to him so when Friend gets there, there are no seats left for him to sit by Matthew. At recess they direct the kids to play with other kids instead of each other by saying, "Hey Friend, it looks like Johnny needs a partner, Matthew, you should be partners with Jimmy."  And when they get on the bus in the afternoon they make Matthew get on first & Friend get on after him so that he can sit in a different seat & Matthew can't chose to sit with him.

I expressed to the councelor on the phone that while I understand their concerns for their child (and I whole-heartedly do), that I have some serious concerns for how this is going to affect Matthew.

And now that I've had some time to mull it over & talk to DH about it (who is fuming, by the way) I'm extremely pissed about the situation. It feels like he's being discriminated against for something that is not his fault. He doesn't do these things on purpose & receives therapy in our home twice a week where we work on these kinds of things. But they are isolating him from his friend because he is different. If there were a deaf child in his class & Matthew came home only using sign language & wouldn't speak, I couldn't call the school & say "Please keep my child away from the deaf child because it's making him not speak." I'd have to address the issue with my child.  How is this any different?

Am I being overly sensitive here? And if not, what do I do? What are my rights? Who do I turn to?

I can't control what the parents tell their child & if they tell him not to hang out with Matthew, then that's fine, but for the school to intervene like this?!  It just seems to me that they are overstepping their boundaries in a big way.  Please help me!

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Re: ASD moms, Auntie, I need your help - SN discrimination?

  • Hi,

    I'm so sorry you and your son are going through this, and can understand how frustrating this is for you.  One thought I had, can you reach out to the friend's parents to discuss this with them? Or meet w/the school personnel (perhaps w/the parents)? How about your son's therapists; can you seek their advice on whether there is anything they could do?

    Substantively, I don't see this as discriminatory.  You write, "If there were a deaf child in his class & Matthew came home only using sign language & wouldn't speak, I couldn't call the school & say "Please keep my child away from the deaf child because it's making him not speak." I'd have to address the issue with my child.  How is this any different?" The difference is, the behaviors about which the friend's parents are concerned may be physically and emotionally injurious (hitting himself, making self-deprecating comments). In this context, the school may be acting on the belief that the duty to "stand in as parents" of its students(to protect them) requires the response you have described. 

  • I'm sorry you are going through that. However, it seems the school is just following the friend's parents' request to separate the boys. I have actually done that because one of my son's classmates was bullying him. I asked the teacher, the shadow, the gym teacher....just about everyone to not let them be together at all. They started doing exactly those things you are describing in order to gently separate them at all times. I'm sorry, but that's completely within parents' rights, if their child is negatively impacted by the friendship. You can't really be mad about that. What you can control is work on your own child's behavior and make sure he gets all the tools he needs to improve what he struggles with. The other parents are only doing what's best for their child.
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  • Thanks for your responses ladies. I was obviously very upset last night when I wrote that.  But I appreciate your opinions on the situation. It's just hard to not feel like the school district is protecting the other child & not protecting mine. I guess I just wish there was more they could do to work with the boys instead of just separating them.

    But I guess all I can do is focus on my kid. I spoke with Matthew's therapist last night & we both agreed that a BSC is needed in our case. I've been telling her for awhile now that though MT is great for him, I think he needs more. He's never had a TSS or anyone in the school with him & I think that it has become entirely necessary. 

    I agree that if I could make these behaviors stop in Matthew by keeping him away from another child I would. I'm just heartbroken for him right now that he's being kept away from his best friend. :(

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  • BSC is Behavior Specialist Consultant. It's a masters level person who can go into the school & into the home to provide support and coordinate efforts between the two. I'm especially interested in having one for the school aspect. They are awful at keeping in touch with us & Matthew has trouble telling us about what goes on in school. I have to ask very pointed questions to get answers, but if I don't always know what questions to ask I could be missing some big stuff.

    MT is Mobile Therapy. He has a  therapist in our home 3 hours/week & it's been very helpful to him & to us.  We are starting to see small improvements already. He's starting to develop some of the coping skills that he lacked when dealing with frustration (and everything frustrates him!).

    I absolutely want an IEP & am pushing the school to give us one. We are hopefully going to meet with them next week. That's what I'm aiming for anyway.

    I did check into social groups for him & I'm going to enroll him as soon as I get the Rx on the new psych eval. I haven't submitted anything in writing, but I don't seem to need to. We have a case manager who I'm working with & I was able to set everything up by phone yesterday. He needs a new psych eval before I can request more services, and the recommendations for services (BSC & Social Skills Group) have to be written in the eval. Then we have a meeting with the MA people to determine medical necessity (we had no problem proving that with his MT last time) & get it approved & then it goes into affect. You're saying SpEd, so maybe you mean just through the school? A BSC, Social Skills group & MT would be part of his wraparound services.

    Also, he is in Cub Scouts & it has been good for him. He has made a couple of friends there, but as always, it's touch & go with friends. They like Matthew, but then he has a meltdown & bangs his head or cries loud & uncontrollably and the kids back off because they don't know what to do with that.

    It's a real challenge for him. We're working on it. And to add to all of this loveliness we spoke with his therapis & we may also be dealing with some Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD). I don't know how much you know about RAD, but it presents very similarly to AS. But since Matthew experienced a big trauma before age 2 with his birth mother leaving, we are likely dealing with some of those issues as well.

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