help... how do I tell sensitive friend???

krissywags · February 2011

I am meeting a friend of mine for lunch in a couple days (along with our DHs). I am planning on telling her that we are expecting... this should be a happy time but I am very, um... nervous. I know for sure that I am going to tell her in person before we announce it to everyone because I don't want her to find out another way...

The thing is, this friend has had two (known of) M/C in the past 16 months, the most recent was about 3 weeks before I became pregnant... she no longer speaks with a friend of ours after the first because they were preg together and felt that it would be too hard on her emotionally...

I really don't want to loose her as a friend and have put off telling her yet because I really don't know what to say or how to tell her... Tongue Tied

Any thoughts will be appreciated!!

HappyAardvark · February 2011

This is just me, having never been in your exact situation and not knowing the specific dynamics of your relationship or the personalities involved, but I might reconsider your choice of venue for telling your friend the news. If you're going to be out together at lunch, with your husbands, it could be really awkward. Since you know of her prior sensitivity, what if she gets really emotional and there's no place for her to get away to? Is there any way you could tell her maybe in a more private setting, were you planning on meeting them at their house beforehand or after?

camedowncrushing · February 2011

As someone who has been through a struggle to get pregnant, and then a miscarriage I would suggest you do not tell her in person. If at all possible I would send her an email so she has time to read through and process on her own before having to react.

Amymichelle925 · February 2011

I just told a friend this weekend whom has had similar experiences as your friend. I decided to call her to tell her before telling anyone else. My heart hurts for her and what she's going through and I knew she would be happy for me but sad for herself. She took it really well but after talking with her I almost wish I told her via email so she didn't have to 'put on a happy face' for me. It's so hard because she's such a good friend email seems so distant and impersonal but in this case it might have been better.

I would not tell her in person and not in public, this will be very difficult for her no matter how happy she is for you.

I think no matter what it will be awkward but just continue to be the good friend that you are and try not to bring up your pregnancy.

MinnieM · February 2011

camedowncrushing:
As someone who has been through a struggle to get pregnant, and then a miscarriage I would suggest you do not tell her in person. If at all possible I would send her an email so she has time to read through and process on her own before having to react.

I have a similar situation and I've heard this advice before, to tell the friend over email. It makes sense to me, but doesn't that come off as really impersonal? I don't know, I see it both ways.

magdalina.h · February 2011

Honestly, I didn't handle pregnancy announcements well when they came in through e-mail and so I know I wouldn't handle them well in person. Of course I was beyond excited for my friends, but I was so sad for us that I cried. Based on what you've explained you might want to send an e-mail and then let it go so she can handle it in her own way.

Yes you (general you that I see people whine about on the bump, not YOU you) will want her to be so excited for you and being all up in your business, but it's not going to happen. When you talked to her talk to her like normal and let her bring up the pregnancy. If she doesn't then rely on another friend to talk to about the pregnancy. She may be like me and ask all the time, but she may not. She's not being selfish or a horrible friend if she's not bring up the pregnancy.

quezzo · February 2011

I've had two m/c in the past year and I called a friend to tell her that I am pregnant the other day because she is one of my best friends and this will be a hard pregnant. I had a feeling that she was pregnant and surprise! She is. She is 9 weeks along and has all the symptoms I wish I had! However, I am so happy for her! I think your friend's reaction will depend on your relationship. There are certain people on facebook and things that are FB-type friends and I will hide them when I find out they are pregnant, but this person is one of my best friends and I couldn't be happier for her.

I don't think you should tell her in person with your husbands there. Why not invite her over for a girls night or just go out together? That way you can spend time together and explain to her how you feel about not wanting to loose her. I also do not think an e-mail is good enough if you actually care about this person.

LauriJean_2009 · February 2011

My best friend and I got pregnant at the same time in Dec '09. Then she had a miscarriage, then I had one within a week. She became pregnant again in a few months while I was struggling with complications from my miscarriage.

She called me and told me over the phone and I cried when I hung up. I know she knew I'd be happy for her and sad for me... but I appreciated the call because she is the best friend I have. An e-mail just wouldn't have been right from her. But she's not really an e-mailer anyway.

In November, she gave birth to a beautiful baby girl and I cried again. But I sucked it up and went to the hospital to see her and the baby. My husband went along with me for support (he's the greatest!).

Bottom line is, you know your friend and your relationship. I do think the venue would be hard for me to swallow as well. To be expected to act normal when all I want to do is cry is unfair.

You will do what's right for you and your friend.

magdalina.h · February 2011

MinnieM:
camedowncrushing:
As someone who has been through a struggle to get pregnant, and then a miscarriage I would suggest you do not tell her in person. If at all possible I would send her an email so she has time to read through and process on her own before having to react.

I have a similar situation and I've heard this advice before, to tell the friend over email. It makes sense to me, but doesn't that come off as really impersonal? I don't know, I see it both ways.

No it shows your compassion and knowing that it will be difficult for them.

eminbmore · February 2011

I agree with the other girls, email is the way to go. And be prepared for her not to answer immediately. I know when I've been approached with friends pregnancy announcements, I've sat on them for a few days processing my own feelings before I respond. I don't handle pregnancy announcements well at all. That said, you maybe should think about sending it after you all have lunch together, which will give her time to process the announcement without a deadline at the end where she has to see you, and put on a happy face if she's not feeling it.

annak23 · February 2011

Agreed, writting is the way to go. It will give her time to react in her own way & come to terms with the situation. There is no easy way to go about this. Being in a similar situation, I'm glad SIL wasn't there to see my reaction when we found out she was pregnant again. It gave me time to bawl my eyes out before I was finally happy for her. Just give her some time once you break the news. GL!!!

Jason'swife · February 2011

Oh man. That's a really tough one. I think I would just try to be very sensitive to her feelings, and tell her that you understand that it's probably very difficult for her to hear that you're expecting, and you understand if she needs some time to process it. So sorry you have to be in that position. That totally sucks.

epphd · February 2011

camedowncrushing:
As someone who has been through a struggle to get pregnant, and then a miscarriage I would suggest you do not tell her in person. If at all possible I would send her an email so she has time to read through and process on her own before having to react.

this this this this this.

Roxyroodle · February 2011

As a person who lost a baby.

email her

tell her you understand that it might be hard and you will respect her and her feelings and that you are emailing her out of respect not to brag.

if she is cold toward you or doesn't want to want to talk to you. Give her space it is very hard to deal with other people having something that you lost. It isn't you personally that she is having an issue with if you give her space then when she is ready she will talk, see you again.

Never complain, talk about, or bring up your pregnancy with her. No woman who lost their baby wants to hear about how horrible you are feeling, we would give any thing to have that baby we lost.

kelly321 · February 2011

edit

SugarQueen101 · February 2011

camedowncrushing:
As someone who has been through a struggle to get pregnant, and then a miscarriage I would suggest you do not tell her in person. If at all possible I would send her an email so she has time to read through and process on her own before having to react.

I totally agree with this. I've had 2 miscarriages, and I avoided pregnant people like the plague, it didn't matter if they were family members or complete strangers. This was part of my grieving process & protecting myself. Don't tell her in person. This will not go well at all.

Rohdemakes5 · February 2011

I agree with the email. I told my sister I was pregnant for the fourth time and you could see the look on her face. I had a miscarriage years ago with my first and my sister had one with her first. I have had two children since and waited 9 years to concieve again. Only 14 days of trying I got pregnant. I told her on Christmas with her husband. I will never do that again. It brings back a lot of emotional issues she hasent worked though yet. It eventually will get easier for your friend but it is going to take some time. Congrats on your preg. though.

Hollygirl7 · February 2011

I don't know about your relationship with your friend and the dynamics of it, but given my experience, I would suggest not telling her in person. It puts a lot of pressure on her to act a certain way, to seem happy for you, and to keep from crying when it might be all she wants to do. If you tell her on the phone perhaps, it would give her a chance before she sees you next to process what you've told her and to decide how to act.

I have a friend going through infertility who I had to tell yesterday. She always knew I had a son, but out of sensitivity to her, I never mentioned him, but I couldn't not tell her I'm pregnant and let her find out some other way. I decided to email her (it's an email friendship) letting her know and telling her that I'd love for her to respond, but not to feel pressured to, and I would understand if I didn't hear back from her for a bit. She did respond, but confessed in her email that she had cried, threw a fit, got angry, hurt, and then relented, recognizing that I was not the one she's mad at. I'm glad I told her the way I did, and I can't even imagine how it'd have gone over if it was in person.

Anyway, like I said, I'm not privy to your friendship, but it's my advice that you give her some space if she needs it, or tell her a few days before you're going to get together, so that she can process it. Good luck!!! I know it's so hard.

womancake · February 2011

I've been the girl with two miscarriages and no babies, and I personally would not feel comfortable being told in person, in public, in front of the DHs. Your friend's personality might be different. But I would either end up making a scene (I actually ran out of the sanctuary at church crying when a friend announced her pregnancy in front of the whole church), or I would feel like I had to stuff my emotions in order to not make a scene and make everyone else uncomfortable. I personally have done better with friends telling me by e-mail, that way I have some private time to process it and deal with it the way I need to before I see them in person. I have *genuinely* been happy for those friends, but it was always a reminder of my losses, and of the fact that I couldn't get pregnant again (it took us two years to conceive our second, and then we lost it).

Once I had some time to process things, I was pretty okay. I even made it to one friend's baby shower, though I skipped another because we got pregnant around the same time, and I lost mine, so it was really hard to see her pregnant. I'm sure your friend will be happy for you, but she will need some space, and it will probably be difficult to be around you for a while. I would try to keep the baby talk to a minimum when you're around her, and try to take more of an active interest in what's going on in her life. Just my two cents.

talltalltrees · February 2011

Why not call her? Its more personal than email and more private than lunch.

Ryan&Kristin062009 · February 2011

I've had a loss and I personally wouldn't want to find out about a friends pregnancy at a public outing face to face. While I would be happy for her, I would initially be upset. It may be hard for her not to be emotional about it. I am sure she will be happy for you but it'll be really tough on her, especially at first. I'd tell her via email or on the phone or something. That way she can take the time she needs to accept what you are telling her. Just my opinion though.

Ryan&Kristin062009 · February 2011

eminbmore:
That said, you maybe should think about sending it after you all have lunch together, which will give her time to process the announcement without a deadline at the end where she has to see you, and put on a happy face if she's not feeling it.

This exactly - good thinking!

njmommaterp · February 2011

I have a similar situation and I called this person to tell them the news before we announced it to everyone (and will do the same with this pregnancy).

This way, they could digest it the best way for them and I know this person (couple) was very happy for us, but their immediate reaction (if I had told them in person) may not have been that and I totally understand. And when everyone else did find out and if they happened to mention it to them, they weren't "caught off guard" and were prepared.

I guess whether to email vs a phone call depends on your relationship. The couple above is family and I felt better telling them "live" over the phone. (I agree with OPers, in person at a restuarant is not the best place...it will be very uncomfortable for all involved)

I think it is great that you are thinking about this. You are a good friend!

Roxyroodle · February 2011

Email is impersonal and that is why it is better for this kind of thing she doesn't have to worry about her reaction. I think if someone called me I would just hang up the phone for the same reasons you don't want to do it in person you don't want to do it over the phone

flabernia · February 2011

I had 2 friends that I had this issue with. One couple had tried everything including IVF and didn't get pregnant and my husband and I got pregnant within a week of trying. Its a very hard thing to do. I would either tell her over the phone or in your house with just the two of you. Tell her its ok to cry and be upset but that you don't want to lose her friendship. Its not going to be a great response and she probably wont be happy for you, but will respect that you came and talked with her about it. Good Luck!

ililheatheri · February 2011

Three weeks after my miscarriage, a co-worker who had been trying to conceive took me into her room with this ecstatic secret that she wanted to share... she was 4 weeks pregnant. Well, I just kind of stood there with a blank stare, like... how did you expect me to react to this, I've been crying constantly and not very happy the past few weeks, and you want to spring this on me.

I think it's good that you know to be sensitive and regardless of e-mail, phone, lunch, you know that this is hard for her and she'll know how hard it is for you to share. She will want to be happy for you... and about 10 weeks later, I was happy for my co-worker, I just needed to get through it.

Monsieur_et_Madame_Ha · February 2011

I agree with PP that I would NOT tell her while you're out at a restaurant. I was in a situation similar to yours (my friend didn't have a m/c, but she had been trying for 3 years and she would tell me how hurt she was when other friends were getting pregnant and she wasn't) and here's what I did.

I didn't tell her. I was friends with her DH before I knew her (he was a coworker), so I called him and told him instead. I wanted to spare her having to congratulate me when I knew the news would cause her so much pain. If I had to do it again, I would use the same approach.

I'm not a big fan of emails just because there's only so much emotion you can convey over the internet.

MrsGo4Hockeychick · February 2011

I echo the email suggestion.

I had what I thought was a good friend tell me she was pregnant, in person in an EXTREMELY public venue (our state fair). She HAD to tell me because she was DYING keeping it a secret. She had known she was pregnant for 2 weeks. I had had surgery to remove my very wanted, but very dead baby only 2 weeks prior.

I am not going to lie. It has all but ruined our friendship. She was extremely insensitive to my feelings, to my pain. She did not act like what I would expect a true friend to. After she told me, I avoided her calls for weeks. When I did finally talk to her again, she immediately started talking about nothing but her new baby, her new pregnancy. She called me on my birthday, and spent the entire conversation talking about her anatomy scan. I should have been about 30 weeks pregnant that day.

I think I've talked to her twice since then. And I still find myself avoiding her, even though I am pg again. There is a lot of resentment and bitterness towards her, even still.

So, for the sake of your friendship, please be gentle and don't do it in public. Give her her space. Let her scream, cry and vent to who she needs to so she'll be able to truly be happy for you.

krissywags · February 2011

WOW!!

You gals are amazing!! I took your advice and sent an email, it said something to the fact that I have been battling this decision, wanted her to find out from me and not on fb or twitter, and I understand things have been tough and if she doesn't want to talk about it that is perfectly fine with me...

I wasn't expecting the response I got back... she says she is excited, she knows that we have had difficulty as well, and that we still needed to reschedule because her husband had made surprise plans (which he does quite often, such an adorable DH)... We have rescheduled for a couple of weeks down the road and I am very excited to get together, it's been waaaay too long. (And no baby talk!!)

THANKS EVERYONE!!!

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