2nd Trimester

Need some advice (nbr)... long

I'll try to make this short. My nephew (my sisters 1st son) has lived with his dad for 1 year. His dad was in prison for child neglect for the first 6 years of his life and when released my sister pretty much dropped him off to his dad and left. Well, the dad doesn't work and bounces from place to place. My nephew is already a year behind school because of my sister and is behind even now.

My problem is that my nephew has no stability, no home, no financial stability(his dad actually sold his toys for money). I have offered to keep him until his dad can find a job and a home, but that led to him getting mad and us not seeing him for 2 months. Someone called child services on him, but it failed.

Well today I pick him up from school, which is was an hour late to, (his dad said he was working, but my nephew said they had been staying with a friend 45 minutes away, so my guess is he didn't have the money to drive all this way). He ended up spending the night and I went to do his laundry, his sock were the size of ds's baby toddler socks and he had NO underwear! My poor nephew had no underwear on ALL day, even at school. Somehow his dad bought him brand new nike's last night after he went to bed, but can't manage underwear.

 I guess my thing is, what would you do? Or do you think there is anything that can be done? I've talked to both the dad and my sister, but they just get defensive and say they are great parents and then we won't get to see him for months. I'm tired of seeing my poor nephew suffer so much.

Mom to 2 healthy boys, and a baby girl in Heaven. Heard her heartbeat on 7/18, heartbeat was gone on 7/20. Miss you forever.

Re: Need some advice (nbr)... long

  • ugh...this is so hard.

    as a teacher, I'd say to make a phone call to the counselor and/or principal.

    if you don't want to get involved....like having the dad know it was you, I'd say going through the school is your best route

    you can always call child services yourself, but be ready for some backlash from the biological parents.  

    good luck 

  • I was just lurking, but I couldn't not post. Call CPS. Call them again. And then call them again. Call them every day until something is done. This child needs someone to be his advocate, and that person obviously needs to be you. Do whatever it takes to make this right for your nephew.
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  • Yeah, I was thinking about talking to the principal. She was mine in elementary too, so I would feel okay talking to her. Someone did call (we have no clue who) a couple months ago and I got blamed and couldn't see him for 6 weeks. So I would really like to make sure its going to help before I stir up something.
    Mom to 2 healthy boys, and a baby girl in Heaven. Heard her heartbeat on 7/18, heartbeat was gone on 7/20. Miss you forever.
  • Going through the school seems like your best bet, especially since your nephew is having trouble at school, coming late, etc. 

    One other thing you might try - maybe you could offer to give your nephew's parents a "break" once in a while, rather than saying you want to take him away. You are totally right to want to get your nephew out of that situation, but it is pretty clear that accusing the parents of neglect, etc. only makes them defensive. But, maybe they'd respond OK to a more positive spin? You could say how much your LO loves hanging out with theirs, and you'd love to have him over for a long weekend once or twice a month? Or, you'd be happy to take him for a week if they need a vacation, etc. I know I'd love to let my relatives watch DD once in a while - I'd be totally offended if they suggested I needed help, but I'd be excited if they offered to give me and DH a vacation!

  • It sucks that you didnt get to see him, and you should enlist support from his teacher and principal. With that said, if the living conditions are as poor as you say, you owe it to your nephew to take the risk. The parents obviously aren't going to give him up, so your only other feasible option is to get a third party involved. You need to do what it takes to make sure this child is somewhere safe and stable.
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  • I wanted to add that I do have some experience with this sort of thing. I called DCFS on my brother and SIL. It caused a huge backlash in our family, and I don't see my nieces and nephews anymore. BUT, you can be damn sure that those kids are being taken care of now. Even though I don't ever see them, I don't regret doing what I did. Their parents straightened up after their incident with DCFS, and I'm sure nothing would have changed had I not called.
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  • I know that it is best to do something. I'm just trying to figure out the best way. I feel like its best to get him 1 or 2 nights a week like we normally do (where we can feed him, wash him, teach him) then make his parents mad and not see him at all. At least now we get to make sure he is safe and healthy once or twice a week. I just am trying to find a way to make it permanent.
    Mom to 2 healthy boys, and a baby girl in Heaven. Heard her heartbeat on 7/18, heartbeat was gone on 7/20. Miss you forever.
  • This breaks my heart. = (

    Hopefully you can talk to the principal and she will have some ideas too. I think you have the right idea of having him spend as much time as possible at your house.

  • This is sad. I feel for you and the boy. It is tough to figure the exact right way to go. I was wondering if you couldnt get advice from dcyf social workers or attorneys on the best way to handle this. I find it hard to stomach that no one does anything, when this man was in jail for neglect and here he goes and does it again.
  • i would definitely call the school.  speak with the principal or with a counselor.  they may have had experience with something like this before or may be willing to be the folks that call. 

    i would think that if you keep doing the same thing you are already doing (having him 1-2 nights a week) you will keep getting the same results to your concerns (nothing) except you will have to think about it 1-2 times a week.  do something different.  you may like seeing the child that often, but if it's not solving anything for the child, is it the best thing for them or for you?

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  • imageamahrey:

    i would definitely call the school.  speak with the principal or with a counselor.  they may have had experience with something like this before or may be willing to be the folks that call. 

    i would think that if you keep doing the same thing you are already doing (having him 1-2 nights a week) you will keep getting the same results to your concerns (nothing) except you will have to think about it 1-2 times a week.  do something different.  you may like seeing the child that often, but if it's not solving anything for the child, is it the best thing for them or for you?

     

    We would be happy to have him with us ALL the time. The problem is that last time child services was called, it solved nothing and then we ended up not seeing him for 6 weeks. Which means he had 6 weeks of no one making sure he was taken care of. Right now, we have these times to make sure he is safe, healthy, and fed. I'm looking for a solution to get him the stability he needs.

    Mom to 2 healthy boys, and a baby girl in Heaven. Heard her heartbeat on 7/18, heartbeat was gone on 7/20. Miss you forever.
  • Have you tried consulting a lawyer?  Maybe they could give you some advice about how to pursue custody issues.  It takes a lot, though, to take a kid away from their parents, even if it does seem obvious that they shouldn't be there.  I would recommend documenting as much as possible.  Not having underwear is just ridiculous and should never happen. Pursuing this further may mean risking you not seeing him at all, but it may be a risk worth taking if it gets your nephew the care he needs.
  • imageamahrey:

    i would definitely call the school.  speak with the principal or with a counselor.  they may have had experience with something like this before or may be willing to be the folks that call. 

    the schools absolutely have experience with this.  we get a training every year that we are mandated reporters and if you witness some wrong-doing or hear it from a child you are a mandated reporter.  you cannot pass the buck to counselor or principal.  I'm not sure if that's just for Louisiana or not, but that's the case here.
  • imageMrs.Saxy:
    imageamahrey:

    i would definitely call the school.  speak with the principal or with a counselor.  they may have had experience with something like this before or may be willing to be the folks that call. 

    the schools absolutely have experience with this.  we get a training every year that we are mandated reporters and if you witness some wrong-doing or hear it from a child you are a mandated reporter.  you cannot pass the buck to counselor or principal.  I'm not sure if that's just for Louisiana or not, but that's the case here.

    I like the idea of mandated reporters. The thing about that is that whatever their paranoia the school has an obligation to report and in the end you have plausible deniability. I think that the solution is going to be a long-term kind of project. Also is there nothing that can be done about abandonment - in terms of them not getting the child. What happens if you don't drive the child home? Do they come to pick him up? What if you call CSS and say that the child has been left in your care and when you are taking care of him he is not properly attired, etc.. Speaking with a lawyer is probably a good idea and speaking to Child Services is also good I reckon. Obviously, moving around is also something they are using to keep CSS off their backs. I never understand why people who obviously don't want to have kids don't take the opportunity to have someone who so obviously cares look after their kids and be done with it.  

    Good luck. I hope it works out well and that it happens soon. 

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  • I'm so sorry that your nephew is having to go through this. 

    I actually work for child services and deal with this stuff every day.  The first thing that came to mind when I was reading your post was concern that there is very likely court orders in place regarding contact between the dad and the child. You mentioned that dad had been in jail for 6 years for neglect. 

    In my experience, it is very rare for a parent to actually serve time for neglect so it makes me wonder what exactly dad did to earn that time.  Generally, at least here in Kentucky, if a parent serves time for neglect/ abuse there are court orders preventing that parent from having contact with the child unless they have contacted CPS and the courts  for treatment to ensure that any risk of harm to the child has been reduced. Do you know has this been done or if there are orders in place?  Its also concerning that mom just dropped the child off with dad knowing that he served time for neglect.

    I know that you don't really want to have child services involved but it probably is in the best interest of the child.  Even though that it didn't work out last time that someone called, I would call again. Like the previous post states, I would keep calling. You will risk having the family not let you see the child though.  On the other hand, if CPS decides that the home environment is not stable enough for the child he may very well end up with you as a relative placement.

     Best of Luck with your situation!

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