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non-military military wife

thankthesoxthankthesox member
in Military Families

my husband's not in the army... but his job has been sending him all over the place and we've only lived together about a total of 7 months in the 2 years we've been married.  now we're thinking about having kids & i've had time to prepare myself for the decision to actually have them, but i never considered he might not be around for the whole process.

i've been stalling & hoping we'll find out if he's going to have work here for a while after his current assignment.  he says we can't plan around his job and if we want to do it we should do it and worry about his job situation later.  i can understand that (i'm almost 35 so don't want to wait around forever) but at the same time i'm really worried about whether i can handle pregnancy and a baby if he isn't here. 

i'm about 4 hours away from my family and i have a few aunts/uncles 30-45 mins away but i don't really have anyone nearby to help on short notice.  i'm not a military wife on a military base with other women in the same situation.  so is it crazy to consider doing this?

Preemie mom! Born 10 weeks early but Mommy and baby are both doing great!! BabyFruit Ticker
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Re: non-military military wife

  • *Duchess**Duchess*

    No, its not crazy.  Its not ideal for anyone to go through pregnancy, birth and child rearing alone or with a husband who's sporadically there, BUT you figure out priorities and deal with the rest. 

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  • Smudges*MomSmudges*Mom member
    Awwww, the "joys" of military life without many of the benefits. Goodness. It sounds like you are in a good head space, believe it or not! Thinking about your situation and not just glossing over the challenges is important, IMO. I understand your not wanting to wait much longer to start TTC. I was just about 35 when I married my DH.

    In many ways, your concerns, to me, seem like normal concerns, like financial concerns. The time will never be perfect, just like there is never enough money (well, for normal folks!). There are things that you can do, especially if you are able to afford them--like hiring a doula for the delivery, a baby nurse, a mother's helper or babysitter and a house cleaner. I know, you could spend lots of money. . . But, it would not be forever and, there are ways to cut the cost for some of them--the house cleaner could come every two weeks, the baby nurse three times a week.

    How "at home" are you where you are now? Do you have friends who can and will help? Can your family come visit and help? Do you belong to a church? There are lots of ways to build a support network that are free (unlike those that I mentioned earlier). You have to be proactive, but it can be done!

    My DH missed half of my pregnancy, our LO's birth and his first nine month due to training and deployment. It was not ideal, but we got through it. Though, I was fortunate that I was able to move to be near my family.

    Might there be *any* chance that once you are pregnant that your DH's assignments might change? It is unfair and all, but, if his company knows that he has a pregnant wife at home, might they keep him closer to home? Not knowing the nature of what he does, this might be laughable. . . Any way, I hope it all works out for you!
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  • erynalexiserynalexis
    Have you considered adoption? I know many people really want to try and have there own children, and I completely understand why but if your worried about pregnancy after 35 (which will be your OBGYN's main concern) without the support of your husband. You could always adopt a child. It really is a very fulfilling experience. I have not adopted myself, my husband isn't sure about his feelings on the concept, but my grandmother is in her 50's and adopted 3 siblings about 3 years ago. They are wonderful. It is definitely a little different when the children are older (one was 8, on 6 and one 2 days old) when they came to my grandmother.) but it was amazing how they are just a part of our family. I felt amazing about it I can only imagine how my grandmother felt. ^^
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  • thankthesoxthankthesox member

    thanks everyone.  i have considered that if he's going to be away a lot, maybe we should move near my family, but i love our house & the area, and my job.  but, if it gets to a point where we do have kids & he winds up being away all the time it will become a more serious option.  i know my parents would come visit if i really needed help.  i just hate the idea of not having anyone close by in case i have an emergency or just really need help. 

    i know it's also possible that if we have kids, it'll be a good excuse for him to turn down any far-away work.  i know his company would understand him needing to be here if i were pregnant or we had small kids & he's noted how some of his coworkers with kids have managed to stay near home.  it's not totally up to the bosses tho - if they don't get work nearby there's only so long they can have him doing paperwork in the main office...  it's easy for me to say "just tell them no" but i don't want him to jeopardize his job either, it won't be a much better situation if he's here but we can't afford our mortgage :/ 

    i think i want to just wait until he's back in a few months and reasses.  i don't want to wait too long and i hate the idea of being already 35 when i start trying, but i guess at this point a few months won't make a big difference and i'd rather know one way or the other what i'm facing...

     thanks for the input & i'll let you know what happens!

     

     

    Preemie mom! Born 10 weeks early but Mommy and baby are both doing great!! BabyFruit Ticker
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