Anyone have a DH who's not really supportive of BFing?

NewFamily09 · February 2011

I was just curious because it seems to me like most guys would be happy to have their wives be willing to BF their baby. First of all, it saves a lot of money, which appeals to most husbands. But also it gets them off the hook of night feedings, not to mention all the health benefits. I'm just frustrated, I guess, because my DH doesn't seem supportive at all. It's like he's just tolerating it because he knows I want to do it. It kind of upsets me because I feel like I can't express any frustration when I hit a bump in the road. For example, I've had some soreness and at times it's been very painful, but I can't talk about it at all. I just have to keep it to myself. If I talk about anything that's going wrong, he'll just say something like "we can always change to formula" or "why don't you just give him a bottle?"- no matter how many times I try to explain that "just giving a bottle" means I then have to pump, doubling the time I spend feeding the baby. It also bothers me that he doesn't appreciate me BFing at all (which makes sense with his unsupportive attitude). BFing takes a lot of sacrifice, determination, and perserverance. Not that I need a mom of the year medal or anything, but he's never once said thanks for doing this for our son, or I'm proud of you, or keep up the good work. I just wish for once he'd say something encouraging when I have trouble instead of trying to push me to switch to formula. I had a horrible experience with my first son and spent a lot of time crying and frustrated before I switched to formula. This time, things are going pretty well, aside from the occasional small issue, like a plugged milk duct. I still feel pressure from him to give up. I feel embarrassed when I feed DS around him and the baby cries or fusses or something, because it's like DH thinks I'm torturing our son by keeping offering the breast and I should just give him a bottle to make him stop fussing. Anyway, this is a vent, but I was just curious if any other dads out there aren't totally on board with BFing? Or is your DH really happy that you are doing it or at least trying?

daenikoffre · February 2011

Have you ever asked why he's so into formula?

Does his family just not BF?

fiasco · February 2011

I am there with you. Our BF'ing issues w/ both kids has been extreme weight loss b/c I have supply issues. It has been a never ending battle w/ DH because he wants to be sure his kids stay at the 95 plus percentile they're born at. We fought constantly about this last time and even in discussing it this whole last pregnancy. He's only a little better this time. I know it sucks! it's so hard w/out their support!

MissSunny42 · February 2011

i am so sorry you are dealing with this! I can't imagine feeling embarrassed every time I fed my baby! have you explained to him to huge health benefits for you LO that comes with BFing?? Maybe he will start to become more comfortable with it the more he is exposed to it. DO NOT GIVE UP! you are doing the best thing for your LO. if you need some support, you've got it, right here!!

Bredins wife · February 2011

Ha, well obviously, you read my post about my H, so no he isn't supportive when it comes to EBF. His mom also asked why I'm so hell bent on EBF, and that I should just switch to formula and get a job. Angry

I don't know what it is about H's. I read posts about girls who have these H's that are so concerned about the baby, and want the best for them, and really support the mom, but that is just not how it is here.

erinl5276 · February 2011

DH was very supportive with me while I was BFing (mainly cause of the money it saved) But I had supply issues yada yada yada... so we switched.

But I must admit...before I gave BF'ing a shot I was completely guilty of not understanding how difficult it really is. My best friend was weaning her 1 yr old off BF'ing when she had her new baby....so she was nursing 2 babies for a short period of time and I used to get so annoyed that she wouldn't do anything because her whole life revolved around feedings!

The point of my response is...He really probably just doesn't "get" how difficult/frustrating it really is. Another thought...maybe he is jealous that the baby gets so much of your time...My husband admitted this to me once I stopped. He felt like we never had a minute to spend together because I always had the baby attached to me.

Maybe you should randomly show him all the benefits that come with breastfeeding!

tkvoisin · February 2011

DH was most of the reason I gave up BF-ing. That and supply issues. My milk never really came in and we were supplementing anyway so he convinced me stopping would be easier. And that way he could help. But that didn't really happen so I wish I would have tried to stick with it.

spritz · February 2011

Dh made many of the same comments that yours is making. He was quick to make a bottle of formula instead of finding me when she was hungry and if she wouldn't sleep at night, he was quick to suggest a formula bottle. I finally expressed my frustration that I felt like he wasn't supportive of my bfing. He's an m.d., so he's well aware of the health benefits to both me and baby. He also was incredibly insistent that I bf before dd was born. When I finally talked to him about it, he explained that he didn't want to bother me if I was showering or getting ready because I don't get much time alone, and that he likes the bottle because he gets to bond with dd and he knows how much she's getting. I'm pumping now, so that has really helped. I just make sure there's always a couple bm bottles in the fridge for him to use when he wants/needs.

freeatlast2014 · February 2011

My H has said on numerous occasions that I'm just making things harder for myself, I should just give formula, why don't I just sleep instead of pumping (while he gives LO a bottle of BM). He has never once thanked me or gave me any encouragement. However, I know that he doesn't "get it" like PP mentioned. I finally had to explain that if I don't pump, my boobs hurt and leak.

But I'm sticking with BF for now, and pumping, and he helps give bottles at least once, maybe twice per night. More on the weekends b/c I have more time to pump. It's gotten better for me, he is getting used to it, and so far so good. Plus it helped to see LO is gaining weight like a champ!

I will say, though, that I will be open-minded to using formula if and when needed -I will not try to be a martyr--which was a suggestion from another mom I spoke to.

Hang in there!! You are doing the right thing!!

CGKyle · February 2011

I'm sorry you have to deal with that ): My DH has been great with it. He tells me he's proud of me all the time for sticking with it. I don't think he would mind if I gave up, but he knows I want to try really hard and bf as long as I can so he trya to support me as much as he can. I would have given up long ago if I didn't have him cheering me on.

pixieprincss · February 2011

My DH made some comments like that and I told him how unsupported I felt. He curbed it after a few incidents with me sharing my feelings. It turns out he just wad trying to be helpful and protect my sanity, get me enough sleep, have me not in pain, etc. We had to talk a couple times about how those things were worth it to BF and he could support me better by x,y,z rather than pushing bottle/formula. Also, he was bummed to not be a part of having the "magic" way to soothe baby.The other issue for my DH was feeling protective of my modesty. We are still navigating that aspect (me ok with NIP, him preferring a cover). Overall. he now chooses supportive words and suggestions and I feel like we are back on the same page.

AimeeL85 · February 2011

I'm sorry he's not being supportive at all; good for you for hanging in there. Do you think your experience with your first son might be part of the reason? You said you spent a lot of time crying and frustrated, maybe that is where the negative association is coming from and he is worried about it turning into that again?

jigglyjelloo · February 2011

My husband has been indifferent about me BFing. He is happy that I am giving our baby what is the best for her, but when I was having a lot of pain, was tired, and having supply issues that was causing me to get stressed out, he wanted me to suppliment with formula (which I eventually had to). When I talked to him about it, and that I didn't feel like I was being supported, he explained that he just wanted what was best for me as well. I have slowly been working through the issues that were causing my low supply and we are getting there....I haven't had to suppliment at all today for the first time in 3 weeks!!

starsmaycollide · February 2011

I think it's hard from a guy's perspective just why some women are so insistent on it-in his mind, he probably feels like you are making things harder on yourself than you need to. You just need to talk to him about how it is important to you and you don't want to feel weird about doing something that matters this much to you. I alsp imagine that if he was there for the first baby's BFing experience, that is why. I imagine he is honestly trying to be helpful with the suggestions, and probably doesn't realize how this bothers you.

We FF, and DH really wanted to be very involved with the baby. He was supportive of me BF if I chose to, but I can imagine that it's possible that if I had, he would have been bummed about that loss of bonding time with LO. Could that be a factor?

moonfaerie · February 2011

Your H may think he's helping by suggesting formula. Like he sees that as a way to alleviate pain from BFing and frustration when it's not working so well. He may ahve no idea how his comments are hurting you. Men like to solve problems and when it comes to BFing issues, they are helpless, so he might think he's helping with his suggestions. Talk to him to get to the root of his concern, and explain why you want to continue BFing. I hope it's that he's just being clueless and trying to help rather than being unsupportive.

You are doing a great job. BFing is challenging, and that's great for you to stick with it through the tough times. My H is supportive of however I choose to feed the baby. He likes the benefits of BFing, and is bummed that it makes my boobs not feel sexual to me. He takes the bad with the good, and that's how it has to be with BFing or FFing.

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