New here and have some questions

whitewave26 · January 2011

Hello everyone. I normally post on the IF board, but since DH and I are looking into embryo adoption, I figure you ladies might have some advice and/or encouragement for me.

We have an appointment on the 14th with a clinic that participates in the embryo adoption program. I know this is the path for us, since IVF or donor sperm is out of the question.

My questions and concerns are more about what the future would be like with an adopted child. I'm scared that I won't love the baby because it's not biological, completely irrational, I know, but the thought crosses my mind. I also worry that my child will be seen as different from my brothers children or other kids in the family because he/she is not biological. I worry about what to tell my child when he/she is old enough. Will he/she hate us for some reason? Will he/she want to find the biological parents? What if we do end up having a biological child, will I favor one over the other because of biology?

I guess the bottom line is that I have so many fears about having an adopted child. I have never known anyone adopted and have no idea what adoptees feelings are toward their adoptive parents. I also think that all of these fears will melt away once we have our baby and none of this will matter. I guess it's just scary up until that point?

Thank you for listening and I would LOVE to hear your thoughts.

wille2b · January 2011

I will start by saying, that AS SOON as you see your baby's face, all those fears are gone! my in laws still are a little so-so with the idea of adoption but our son is also aa and i think they had a little adjustment period but now no one in our house even thinks about the fact that he isnt a bio kid.. your love will not be any different. I would imagine with carrying the baby for 9 months you shouldnt/wouldnt have a bonding issue..

the questions about what to tell him/her when they grow up, or will they hate you- deal with those later.. this baby is only going to know you, and when they realize what you did to become its parents and how much you love them. i used to worry about it and i just know that when the time comes we wil have it figured out..

its all scary, just like IF is scary.. but you will get through it and there are plenty of ladies here that will reassure you and help you through the process! GOOD LUCK!

silliestbunny · January 2011

Agreeing w/Willie and Fred.

Our daughter is Korean but she couldn't be any more a part of me than a bio kid. I see my parents with her and it's amazing. They don't see a baby girl that doesn't look like me. They see their granddaughter whom they adore.

But you need to be okay with the idea. I do believe for most people the maternal instinct kicks in and forms the bond that a parent should have but if you enter it with wonder about how you'll feel, it would concern me.

We did look into embryo adoption too. I do know that most programs require a homestudy just like adoption. You will definitely need to reconcile and make peace with your feelings before that stage of your journey.

One last thought--- a friend, who is a psychologist, has done quite abit of work with the field of IVF and parenting. She says that it's definitely a new emerging field of questions from children born of donor eggs, sperm, or embryos. We've had lengthy conversations comparing both adoption and this field. There are definintely differences that you may want to make yourself aware of. The questions may not be the same as what adoptive parents face. It's a new, emerging world and will have it's own complexities.

Dr.Loretta · January 2011

Ditto fred.

I would do a lot of research on the emotional implications behind adoption and embryo adoption, and work through how you would deal with your questions and concerns. As fred said, if you do some soul-searching and realize you have to have that biological connection, then maybe this isn't really the path for you. But if you really just want to be a parent, and feel you can prepare yourself for the questions and situations that arise from having an adopted child, this may be the way to go.

It would seem to me that some (if not all) of your fears would be addressed in some sort of counseling or discussions with the clinic. I'm sure you wouldn't be the first person to have such concerns. And if they don't address them, bring them up. You should be able to have a frank conversation about these concerns to work through them and see where it takes you.

pinkwedding05 · February 2011

We had our daughter through embryo donation. We preferred it to embryo adoption because it didn't require a homestudy or being "chosen" by a family. It was also much cheaper. Some of the differences is that the embryos we used were created with donor sperm and egg and it was in the Czech Republic where all records are sealed. She will never be able to meet the donors, and while I would love more info on it, I just don't see it being a big deal right now. I definitely think it would be cool for kids to meet their bio parents, but there is no guarantee that they will want to. We'll do a heritage trip someday to show her the town where the clinic is and answer as many questions as we can.

It's no different than parenting a bio child I would assume. She was mine the minute I saw the "pregnant" on the pee stick. My family thinks she hung the moon, largely because they know how incredibly lucky we are to have her. We have never received anything but glowing comments about how we conceived her, and I'm from a VERY small town. That's not to say there won't be issues along the way, but I'm confident that we'll be able to handle them in an age appropriate way.

How long have you known that you won't have a bio child? We were very prepared for it so it was an easy decision to move to ED. If it's relatively new, then give yourself some time and talk to people about your feelings. I agree with whoever said you'll need to work through most of your feelings before your homestudy.

We have just felt our way along. It isn't common knowledge that we did ED, but it isn't a secret either. We just let people know when we tell them that it is our news to tell. I think everyone has been respectful of that. At first it seemed like a big conversation, now we just mention it if it comes up organically. I love sharing her story.

We're doing a domestic infant adoption now. Let me know if you have any questions.

whitewave26 · February 2011

Thank you for all the responses. We are definately trying to sort out our feelings on adoption.

I think I am sort of still mourning the fact that I won't be able to look at my child and say she has my husbands nose or my eyes. In the end, it doesn't matter because we just want to be parents. As I think about it more, I am getting so excited at the thought of being a mother rather than worrying about who she looks like.

Pinkwedding, we have an appointment at a clinic on February 14th to discuss embryo adoption. We won't be doing the homestudy that way since it's through a clinic and not an agency.

It's not that we can never have a biological child, we probably could through IVF. We don't want to go that route because of the expense and the hardship it would place on my body.

Thanks again to everyone for their responses. I hope you guys don't mind if I hang out here on the Adoption Board from now on.

GLynn2009 · February 2011

People tell us all the time that DD2 looks like my husband. He feels inclined to tell them that it is impossible since she is adopted I feel inclined to smile and agree. They have the same smile and I am told that if you feel them long enough they will look like you so it must be working.

whitewave26 · February 2011

GLynn2008:
People tell us all the time that DD2 looks like my husband. He feels inclined to tell them that it is impossible since she is adopted I feel inclined to smile and agree. They have the same smile and I am told that if you feel them long enough they will look like you so it must be working.

This is very encouraging, thank you. I think I'd be like you and just smile and agree.

New here and have some questions

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