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Toddlers: 12 - 24 Months
Elissa Bird
member
My MIL may cause me a divorce
Elissa Bird
member
I am so frustrated with my MIL and my DH. I have a very rambunctious 13 mo DD. My MIL, who was a stay at home mom and never worked never was really excited about watching my DD. Although she has held herself out to loving to watch babies, because she watches children at her church and loved being a mother; she has struggled watching my DD. She has never been able to get my DD to take naps and generally had a difficult time in watching her.
Some background on why I don't have confidence in my MIL. My MIL took my DD out for a walk in cool weather without a jacket and my DD got a horrible cold. (My DD had never been sick, up until this point) Doesn't everyone know that you put a jacket on a baby when you take them out for a walk in cool weather?
After I got the baby's ears pierced, she was bathing her and one of the earring "happened" to fall out of her ear. (My DD never pulled or tugged at her earrings and I had to take her back to the Dr. so it could be re-pierced).
I strongly suspect that she fabricated a medical incident with my DD in order to get attention from her husband. As this year has passed, I have become more uncomfortable with my MIL watching my DD. She does not seem to know how to handle her and I feel has made poor decisions regarding her care.
I have reduced her time with DD to one day a week, hoping this would ease my fears. I have discussed most of these concerns with my DH. For the most part he agrees with me that DD is a handful and that his mother "occasionally" has problems with the baby. Now, the day that she watches DD, one of us will try to rush home from work to "relieve" her; however, no one "relieves" my mother when she watches the baby or the babysitter we've hired to watch her 3 days a week.
Saturday, my DH and I wanted to go to the auto show because we're in the market for a new car. He wanted his mother to watch the baby. I reluctantly agreed. When we took the baby over there, we told her that DD had woken up very early that morning and needed a nap. DD was sleepy when we arrived. I assumed that she would have to hold DD while she slept, but that she would get a nap in. When we returned that evening, she told me that the baby had not slept at all! She had basically been awake for 12 hours straight. My DD was drunk with sleepiness and look relieved when I arrived. She explained how they had a good time playing with her and that her daughter, the baby's aunt and boyfriend had stopped by to play with DD. MIL said that she tried to get the baby to go to sleep, but there was too much going on. The baby was in an unfamiliar environment and although she had tried to rock her to sleep, she just wouldn't take a nap.
It baffled me that she didn't think to lay down with DD in a dark room to get her to sleep. I was very upset. I kept thinking that this was why I didn't want this woman watching her in the first place, but out of regard for my husband, I went against my gut and said OK. Also, the baby wouldn't drink any milk while we were gone, which is not normal.
I was livid! How could this woman not understand that a 13 mo needs to nap?! How could she not see that my DD was drunk with sleepiness and not do something about it?! She was more concerned with parading my daughter around for all to admire her cuteness, rather than taking care of her. We live less than 10 minutes away from them and DD was asleep before we pulled out of their driveway. She slept for a few hours, woke up for some milk and then slept again for a few more hours. Her sleep schedule is still off.
I told my DH that I did not want my MIL watching DD that coming Monday. That I had no confidence in her abilities to watch my DD. That she is the only one that struggles with watching her and even though we have reduced her time to one day; my mantra on that day is "One day a week." I'm tired of feeling anxious and nervous when she watches my DD. While my DH understands my point of view, he has confidence in his mother's abilities. He text ed her the next day and told her that I was upset, but that she needed to try harder to get the baby to nap, even if DD tries to fight it.
He and I fought about this the rest of the weekend. I want to make him happy, but I don't know how to get over this. EVERYTHING in my gut tells me to not let this woman watch my DD anymore. Every time I have gone against this feeling, something has gone wrong. I don't know what compromise my DH and I could make. The thought of her watching my DD has me on the verve of tears. I don't want to hurt my husband, but my instincts are telling me to keep this woman away. I don't want to argue with my DH any more, but I realize that these are the type of issues, that if unresolved, can lead to divorce.
If this woman was just a babysitter, I would fire her, but I can't. Can anyone tell me how to resolve my insecurities? If you fundamentally didn't feel comfortable with someone watching your child, would you let them? Even if that person is your MIL.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: My MIL may cause me a divorce
If you don't feel comfortable then I wouldn't leave her with your MIL. She is your child and you have to do what you feel is best.
That being said, I don't feel like anything you wrote is so horrible that your MIL can't watch her. I can see why your DH might be upset.
Of course she should have put a jacket on her but being out in the cold does not cause illness, germs do.
Agree with all of this. Obviously you're the mom, so it's your call, but it really doesn't sound like your MIL is doing anything that bad. Are there issues with your MIL outside of your DD that is making you more critical of her care?
My mom doesn't always do things the way I would do them, but she watches my kids for free, so as long as they're alive at the end of the day, I'm happy!
I'm sorry you're feeling that way. It must feel awful! Just playing devil's advocate here but is it possible that you could just talk to her and give some instructions on what you like? Is it possible that you're taking this further than it needs to go because you just don't like her in general? Yes I get that there have been problems but they don't seem like they're impossible to resolve.
Think of it like this: She raised you're husband and he turned out ok right? So she can't be THAT bad. Just sit down with her and give her specific instructions.
Ex: Things haven't been working. Here's what I'd like: naptime at ___. Coats outside. Meals at ____.
It honestly doesn't sound like your mother-in-law is putting your child in any kind of real danger. Kids get sick and naps get skipped and life goes on. While some people have said that you are the mother and it should be your decision whether or not your MIL watches your child, you have to remember that your DH is her father and has just as much right to decide those things as you do. My MIL watched my kids the other day and fed them Lik-M-Aids (essentially sugar in a pouch), gummy bears and ice cream and they did not take a nap. They were with her for about 8 hours. While I don't agree with any of this, it is not the end of the world and did not cause any harm to my children. Your husband might not agree with everything that your mother does, but he probably just lets it go more often than not.
I think what you need is better communication with your MIL. I KNOW that is easier said than done, but if she is going to have your DD and you want to feel comfortable then you have to make an effort. Give her specific instructions (I used to write everything down for my mother and my MIL when my kids were younger) and let her know when she does something that you don't agree with, but do it in a reasonable manner. Don't place blame, just explain that you would rather she do things your way. If the real problem is between the two of you, then that probably needs to be addressed as well.
I would go with your gut, which is my advice for all baby related things.
That said, I think you're majorly overreacting about the cold and the earring. My baby is out in cool weather without a jacket all the time, germs cause colds, not the lack of a jacket. And babies get colds, it's part of being a baby. The fact that you are overreacting on these things makes me question whether or not your MIL is truly not competent or if you are overreacting about that too. It sounds to me like you need to chill out. If you're thinking divorce over this, then I think you either need to get some help or there are much bigger issues at play than what you've mentioned.
Just being honest!
If you don't want your MIL watching your DD then that's fine- but I can see where your DH doesn't find the things his mother doing to be that bad. Some people have a hard time getting kids to nap- maybe there's something about MIL's house or sleeping space that LO doesn't like. Going outside without a coat can't give you a common cold- that's an OWT. And those seem to be your major concerns.
If you're not comfortable then that's the end of it- you can just not be comfortable with the situation. But fishing for reasoning for your DH clearly isn't working. This isn't divorce worthy- it isn't even fight worthy.
Whenever my ILs watch E, I have had written directions for them. When she was an infant, it was as detailed as how to make a bottle of formula, her sleep schedule, play time, etc. Maybe write something up that gives explicit instructions. My ILs loved this. Now I just change it as she gets older to include things she likes to do, words she is saying so they know her cues for things, foods to give her.
What about having your MIL over to your house to watch her? That way your DD is in her element. Also, do you have a PnP to take to MILs? That has been a lifesaver. It is a bit much to expect your MIL to hold your DD the entire nap time. The PnP would allow for your DD to sleep in a quiet room.
Obviously, you have to do what you feel is right, but I don't think anything you wrote is that bad. She isn't putting your child in harms way at all, or doing anything to endanger her. LOTS of kids won't sleep in other places, or when they think they're going to get constant play time. Mine don't like to nap at Grandma's either, as its a 24 hour attention-fest. Actually, they barely even nap at daycare, and it doesn't bother me at all. Its not the end of the world.Frankly, I think you're overreacting
Honestly, if this was your mom, would you freak? If your mom said DD wouldn't nap or didn't want her nap, what would you do? I think as mom's we tend to trust our own family more and our ILs less. Yes, its a struggle, but do you really want to deprive your DD of some time with her Grandma because you don't like it that she doesn't nap?
Annelise 3.22.2007 Norah 10.24.2009 Amelia 8.7.2011
Cold weather doens't cause sickness-germs do.
I Think it's kind of unreasonable for you to be mad that your MIL didn't lay down in a dark room with your daughter to try to get her to sleep. She is 13 months old-she should probably have some self-soothing abilities by now-i'm pretty sure if my mom could'nt get my daugther to sleep she wouldn't lay down in a dark room with her. Sometimes at daycare my daugther just won't nap even though her teachers try. it is what it is. IF you don't want your MIL to watch your daugther then that's your call but I Think you might have other reasons-the reasons you gave I feel are excuses to try and disguise the real reason.
BFP #2: 11/16/11: M/C at 7 weeks
BFP #3: 03/24/12: C/P 03/28/12
BFP #4: 04/26/12: please be our baby
So, let me get this straight. Your daughter spends 1 day a week with MIL, 1 day a week with your mother and then 3 days a week with the babysitter? So, on any given day, she is not in the same location or following the same routine?
The first thing that needs to happen in this situation, is that you need to set a routine for your daughter. Even if she cannot be in the same place everyday, which would be ideal, you can at least set a schedule for naps, eating, etc. so that she knows what to expect, no matter who is her caregiver. If you implement a schedule, then you can legitimately ask your MIL to follow the schedule.
I understand the frustration of having your MIL watch your daughter. My MIL and I are in complete disagreement, 90% of the time, on how to raise a child. On top of that, my MIL thinks that when children are with Grandma, all of Mommy's rules, don't count. It's quite frustrating. She has fed my child all sorts of things, that I wouldn't normally feed her, including putting some soda (although she did water it down) in her sippy cup, *sigh.* However, I know that my MIL loves my daughter and would NEVER do anything that would cause her actual physical harm. So, on occasion, I have allowed my MIL to watch my daughter and I just take a deep breath and move on.
In this situation, it does not sound like your MIL is causing any real harm to your child. Yes, taking a child out, without a jacket, in cool weather wasn't the smartest decision, but I know that my DH and I have differing opinions on what constitutes "cool weather" and that I'm more likely to put a jacket or long sleeved shirt on our daughter, than he is. I've talked to him about how, even if he isn't cold, she might be and that a lightweight jacket or even a long sleeved shirt, in cooler weather, is a good idea. I would never blame our child getting sick on him, since cool weather does not cause a cold.
This for sure.
Ditto. There are a few things you write in this post that seem kind of over the top.
Ditto all the previous. I have big issues with my MIL. I don't particularly like her. There are times when I'm feeling angry and spiteful about her and want to rationalize that she shouldn't be around DS.
But then I do a reality check. She's not endangering DS even though she doesn't always do things my way. She's DH's mom, and my mom isn't perfect either. I would hate to see him treat my mother that way. There is no reasonable rationale when I calm myself down.
I don't think anything you've said is that bad. I think that you do have a major problem with your daughter's schedule. It is very difficult for a child to have four different systems in seven days. She has you, your babysitter, your mom, and your MIL. How proactive are you about maintaining a stable environment across all of these weekly changes? Maybe your MIL needs help with getting naps established. Mine has a hard time because she hates to hear DS cry and we had to really work to get DS and ILs on a functional schedule when we're over there or they babysit. That may be something to address.
Obviously the day at her house didn't go well, but I think you need to be looking at yourself here. You can't expect your child to ricochet back and forth between all these people and do well in each place. You can't expect everybody to keep her happy and rested when she's a mess because there is no consistency in her life. Your MIL may be the weakest link here because she currently needs the most help (which I would expect from the person who only has 1/7 days to establish a pattern), but you are the person in charge and if things aren't flowing then YOU need to take some responsibility.
This. My mom watches my kiddo often and doesn't always do things the way I would, but she loves him and he loves being there so if he doesn't nap well one day, it really doesn't matter to me.
I wish my MIL would offer to babysit.
Obviously if you're not comfortable having her watch your daughter, then don't let her. But the reasons you have listed here are a little ridiculous. I agree with the other pp who mentioned that your daughter needs to have more of a schedule if she is being watched by different people every day. Once you get her on a schedule, you may find that it will be easier for your MIL to watch her.
Thanks everyone for their input. There are other issues that I have with my MIL and maybe those issues have colored my judgment in this situation. I posted this because I wanted un biased feedback and I have received it.
Thanks again for all the advice.
DH knows if I am going to work I have to feel 100% comfortable with child care arrangements. I generally check in with any babysitter about naps, etc. during the day. Maybe you can do that next time.
RE: issues with your DH- I liked Babyproofing Your Marriage. I also think therapy might help you deal with extended family relationship issues. GL.
Nothing you wrote sounds like that big of a deal, actually. I can understand your frustrations that your child was tired and got sick, etc. However, going out without a coat doesn't cause colds, germs do, and sometimes babies don't nap. I know that sometimes when we have lots going on at our house -- friends over, big cleaning day, etc. -- DS doesn't always stay on schedule. Over Christmas we spent a week at my parents' house and there were many days that, even under my own care, DS missed all his naps, his eating was off, and he was generally a crab at the end of the day because of all of this but it happens... it's not neglect or abuse... it's just part of having a baby, part of life.
If your gut tells you not to leave DD with her then don't. However, do you have other underlying issues with your MIL that are clouding your judgment on these issues? Did you not want her watching DD from the beginning and you're just fed up now? I know that DH and I have our differences on DS's care and about family matters but nothing that would be cause for divorce. Sounds like there is something else at the root of your frustrations, IMO.
I hope you can resolve the issue.
It's your child so you have to leave her with someone you trust.
That being said...
Being out in the cold weather without a jacket does not cause a cold. Not the best idea but my own DH has taken our LO out underdressed and he has yet to have a cold. As far as the other things - seems like you might be picking.
I am extremely grateful to have my MIL help take care of our DS - much better than putting him in a daycare. At least we know he's her grandson and she loves him. I try not to get uptight about things she does that I might not do exactly the same. As long as she follows our "beliefs" I can't complain!
Since you asked, my advice would be to relax, be appreciative and work with your DH as a team - not your enemy