no dad involved.. .
lilmommalcw
member
Just wondering if there is anyone out here like me. I have a 4 year old son & his dad is completely involved (when he is not in jail haha long story!). Despite the situation my son knows he has a dad that loves him very much & when he gets out will resume living with him 50% of the time.
But this LO's father has decided not to be in his life at all. It was an unplanned pregnancy & I stopped seeing this man before I found out I was pregnant. His big thing was if I didn't want a relationship with him he didn't want to sacrifice any of his time/money to be a dad (2nd time dad, he has a 4 year old with his ex wife). I told him it would be all or nothing if he wanted to be apart of the LO's life because I honestly don't believe there is such a thing as a half assed dad. Either you are, or you aren't. My baby will only have the best!
That being said I am wondering how this will effect my LO. I feel like he will be jealous/hurt when my son goes with dad. It makes me sad to think he will never have that. My sons gma (his dads mom) has decided to accept the LO as one of her own grandchild so that is a relief. She is a HUGE part of my sons life. She has a great heart & still considers me a daughter even though me & her son aren't together any longer. She thinks her son should take this LO when he takes our son but it's not his kid so I understand him not wanting to (& I didn't expect it).
I guess I am just worried & needed to vent. Thanks for listening 
Landon & Porter
1-10-07 & 5-11-11
Re: no dad involved.. .
I don't have much time to comment, but I just wanted to point out that if he chooses to physically be in LO's life or not, LO still deserves his financial support. Trust me, there may come a time you will need it. I've been a single mom and it's doable, but hard.
He will one day question his father's lack of involvement. Just try to make decisions based on what you want LO to be able to look back on.
Good luck.
This might be better on the single parent board.
I am sorry you are dealing with that kinds of situation though
I'm not in your situation, so I don't know what I'd do, but you might consider looking into a Bigs/Littles program or something similar if they have it in your area.
My brother was a "big" for a little boy in a very similar situation. Whenever the older brother was with his father, my brother would take the little boy fishing or swimming or whatever. They spent a Saturday together 2-3 times a month for several years, and the little boy was occasionally even at our family events.
I'm not in this situation, personally, but one of my SIL's is. Her daughter's father is into drugs and has a lot of problems, so when she found out she was pregnant and he decided he didn't want the baby, she decided not to have anything to do with him.
However, I don't know if you get government assistance, but because she does, the state required her to get child support from him. They had to get a DNA test and go to court and what not. This is something you need to look into.
My niece is eight now, and she doesn't feel a lack of attention, affection or love at all. She knows she has a dad (obviously) and that her other cousins see and spend time with theirs, but it has not negatively effected her at all. I guess it's just what she used to.
EDIT: I HATE POSTING TWICE BY ACCIDENT LOL
Landon & Porter
1-10-07 & 5-11-11
I really can't stand the drama on the singles boards
I like to hear other peoples opinions also & maybe some of you went through the same thing yourselves as children?
I never thought of looking into a big brother program. That is a really great idea! I bet my actual brother will be willing to do all sorts of things with him & step it up a little more as an uncle so my LO has a male role model in his life.
I also do plan on going after him for child support & whatnot. I also think it's sad that his son won't know he has a half brother or his parents know they have another grandbaby. I guess that is not my business but I wish he would at least tell them so they have a choice in knowing LO or not.
Landon & Porter
1-10-07 & 5-11-11
The only thing I have to add is that you should have a legal contract drawn up if you both agree that he's not going to be a part of your LO's life. He might say no now, but he could change his mind later and cause major drama. I'm unsure how that affects child support, but your lawyer will!
GL!
Landon & Porter
1-10-07 & 5-11-11
I was a kid sort of who went through something like this. I was jealous a lot of others who had time with their dads. But as I grew up I learned how to get over it. One thing that my mom did was found a guy (he can be married or not married to someone. My mom was best friend's with his wife) who can be a dad figure. This guy in my life did everything. I gave him presents for father's day and he even walked me down the aisle when I got married. He's going to be apart of my daughter's life in some way.
Is there a guy that you trust that's outside of your family that wouldn't mind to fill a roll. I say outside of the family because if your brother gives him more attention then your other son then your other son might get jealous.
If he signs over his rights then he does not have to pay child support
I think it's great idea to identify someone who can act as a male role model for your baby - nothing can replace an involved dad, but you are doing the right thing by not allowing your baby's biological father to pick and choose how he interacts with his child. A crappy dad is way worse than no dad at all.
As for jealousy issues between your kids, I think you can mitigate that by making sure you do something special with your youngest when your oldest is out with his dad. Kids really just need to know they are safe and loved, and if that has to come from you, then so be it. It's not ideal, but your baby is lucky to have a mom who cares so much!
Good idea. My parents divorced when I was 5. From ages 5-12 my father was only in and out when he wanted to be. I honestly think that had a worse impact than if he'd just stayed out of my life altogether.
It didn't impact me much as a child, but as an adult I now realize I have a bunch of pent up animosity toward him for his actions.
Wow thank you for all the responses! It gave me a lot to think about. I am feeling a little less worried now about having this LO on my own & how he will feel about it.
& thank you
Ali is very pretty so I will take that as a compliment.
Landon & Porter
1-10-07 & 5-11-11