Working Moms
MBandBud
member
Tell me about your work/mother/life balance.
MBandBud
member
in Working Moms
I feel like I'm finally coming out of a fog now as DD is starting to sleep better. Now I feel like I want to put some other things in my life like working out more regularly and volunteering. My struggle is I really have this longing to spend time with DD whenever possible; and while I love our time together I wish there was a guide to how much I should do and where the right balance is. Maybe if I heard your take either philisophically or plan in action it would help me find my own balance. I know I need to do this, but being a black/white person, I'm not sure how. Thanks for your input.
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Re: Tell me about your work/mother/life balance.
My philosophy, I guess, is flexibility. I know that some weeks I need to spend more time with DS and some weeks I need to focus on me. It shifts depending on my work, DH's work schedule, and other things going on in our lives. It also changes as he gets older and more flexible himself.
In reality what this looks like for us is either DH or I usually go out with friends one night a week while the other is home with DS. We also each get a day home alone with DS because DH works retail and usually is scheduled Tuesday - Saturday while I work a normal Monday - Friday. Sunday is family day but we also each try to have a couple hours to ourselves so yesterday DH went out to get a haircut int he morning and I took DS out to play. Then in the afternoon I was able to relax a bit while DH played with DS. Every few weeks one of us will take a longer bit of 'me' time. Last Saturday was mine - I went and scrapbooked with a group of friends all day and DS stayed with a babysitter.
I guess I can't say I ever feel like I have a perfect balance, but all in all I think it works pretty well. Oh, and it was definitely trial and error to get there so just keep trying and communicating with DH about how it's working and you'll get there.
I too struggle b/c I don't want to take more time away from DS since I work full time, but then I don't have much time for myself. I take a belly dancing class once a week at 8:15pm after DS goes to sleep and once a month DH and I go out on a date after DS goes to bed.
I used to volunteer but I haven't been able to incorporate that into my life now that DS is here. However, I try to donate small amounts of money. Also, at Xmas I suggested to my family that we all bring a book, blanket, and stuffed animal and we made 10 of these bags to donate to a shelter: https://www.projectnightnight.org/.
It wasn't until about a month ago, when DS was around 11 months old, that I started wanting to do things w/o DS. Before that, I felt this need to be with DS every hour I wasn't at work. So don't worry that you are still feeling like this.
When DS was around 8 months old, I started with a Zumba class that started at 7:30pm once a week. I was "only missing 30 minutes" since DS went to bed at 8pm. I also started going grocery shopping by myself, where before, I wanted DS to go with me. DH and I would go out on dates late at night, closer to bedtime, but this weekend we went out earlier, and I was very okay with it. It will take time, but you will get there. GL.
I really have no balance...partly because DH travels for work so I'm quite often on my own with DS so I have to figure it out anyway. If I want to do anything I either have to take him with or not do it. So I usually take him with. Monday and Thursday I take a class at the gym and DS goes to the childcare center there for an hour. Tuesday and Wednesday and Friday we just hang out and play, or go grocery shopping or whatever floats our boat.
Basically my free time revolves around working out so if DH is home on the weekends then I try to get another work out in so I went 3 times a week. If I went out with friends I'd probably bring DS too because most of them would bring their kids.
Good advice so far. A couple things from my perspective.
First, DS still goes to bed early, by 6:30 or 7. So in reality, I get a couple hours to myself every night (and if DH is home, time for us together). That actually really helps a lot.
Second, I'm not afraid to hire a sitter! I've found a couple that I REALLY like and feel comfortable with. I don't use them a lot, but there are times that I want to see a friend, and if I can't rely on DH (due to his job) - I'll hire a sitter so that I can go out to dinner.
Most of my free time is spent w/ DS, but I really try to force myself to take time for me when I can. Now that we're in a new home w/ space, I'm starting to schedule more playdates. Even though DS is there, if my friend and I can have some time to talk and catch up while watching the kids, I'll do it!
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
This is a constant struggle for me. And add to the fact that my DH only has every other weekend off (he's a retail manager), it's almost impossible for me to balance work/family/me-time! I find on the weekends he is off, we try to do a lot as a family, and also DH and I try to have a date night at least once/month, but sometimes it's a lot to cram into one weekend. Then the weekends he works, I sometimes feel like I'm on kid overload (esp because I'm off with them on Fridays too, so that's 3 straight days of basically being a single parent, after 4 days of working, and another 4 days ahead of me to work!)
But I am trying to do some things to make this easier. For example, DH works next weekend. Since he has to go in early Sunday I knew he wouldn't be up for doing much so I made plans with my girlfriends to go out, he'll do dinner/bedtime with the kiddos to give me a break. And I've started taking the girls to the Y on Friday mornings. They love the childcare there, gives them a chance to play with some new toys and different kids, and I get a workout in! It's win/win! I used to feel guilty doing that on my 1 day "off" with them, but have recently realized how good this is for all of us! And that's 1 less day I need to try to squeeze in a workout, which is already a challenge!
I am like you in that I like schedules and things to be planned out, but these past 4 years as a parent have forced me to become a little more flexible. Now it's about trying to find those times for myself and although I sometimes feel guilty I have realized the me-time makes me a better mommy, which is good for my whole family!
I almost forgot...I quelch the mommy guilt by chanting to myself " its not the quantity of time I spend with my DS, its the quality of the time I spend with him that counts".
I am very at-peace with our situation/routine lately. DH and I literally sat down and talked about all of the things we wanted. On my list were: enough time at work to do my job well, time alone w/ DD, time alone w/ DH, time for myself (including time to work out), and time as a family. Then we made a schedule that allowed us to get all that we wanted. We are, of course, very very lucky to both have flexible jobs. So while we each work 40-50 hours a week, we can schedule our time almost how we want to. So we alternated daycare drop off at 8:00. On days I don't drop off I go to the gym before work. Either way I start work at 8:30ish. We also alternate daycare pickup at 2:30. On days I pick up DD we do something fun from 2:30 until 5:30ish. Then I prep dinner. On days I don't pick up DD I will usually work right up until dinner (6ish) which will be ready to eat when I get home. This means I don't see DD all that much on those couple days but I savor the time at dinner and during the bedtime routine and I love knowing that she spent a fun afternoon building a great relationship with her dad.
On weekends we spend early mornings doing chores as a family (cleaning house/laundry, etc.) Then one of us gets 4 hours of me time (from 10am-2pm) while the other watches DD (who naps anyway from 12-2ish). On Saturday mornings I get me time, on Sunday mornings DH does. During my 4 hours I usually fit in another workout and then head to a coffee shop to just relax. Weekend afternoons are family time. On Saturdays we generally go grocery shopping together (which we all love) and then Sunday afternoons we do something special like a museum or the zoo or the park when it's nice or a bookstore, etc. Then we rinse and repeat the next week. DH and I get couple- time after DD is in bed (she still goes to be early) so we relax and watch a movie on Friday/Sat. nights. (Weeknights sometimes we try to work a couple extra hours at night.)
Our balance wouldn't work out right for everyone but it works so very well for us. Everyone is happy and enjoys spending time together and apart and I believe we are setting a good example for DD.
I will fully admit that I'm a very scheduled person too and it has taken me some time to find peace with being more flexible, but it has definitely helped to try to relax and go with the flow a bit more.
I also wanted to add that I agree with the pp who said it is great to schedule playdates. I try to do that or meet my moms group every week or every other week (usually on Saturdays while DH works). It's great because it doubles as DS time and time with friends!
I like this! Being a data person it shows me some black and white to it.
Oh yes, we do a lot of this too. One activity that meets more than one need. Family time is often spent bike riding or going for walks - exercise and togetherness. Seeing friends often includes kids. Couple time often includes seeing other adult friends. DH plays hockey each week - exercise and socializing.
We also often have date nights at home where we make a point to sit down, watch a movie together and not play on the computer or take phone calls. And some nights, we just all veg on the couch together and cuddle. Quality time doesn't have to be spent doing something all the time.
I'm enjoying my "me" time right now.
With our schedules etc (plus we don't have a cleaning lady like many of you do) there isn't much time in the week. Basically weeknights T-F are hectic and crazy with baby care, housework, packing bags for the next day etc. Saturday my husband is at work and I have all day with my boy by myself. Since it's just the two of us for a full day every week I don't feel guilty about having time away from him other times. Like others said I like to get out with other moms during this time to kill two birds with one stone. I also have a dog who gets a walk every day (two actually, but my husband does the other) so every afternoon my son gets fresh air (even when it's freezing) and I get exercise. Sunday is family day and we tend to hang around the house, go for walks, and clean! Mondays my husband is home with the boy all day, so they get that same one on one time that I had Saturday.
Monday evening is the best time of the week. My husband has a standing thing that he does with his friends. At first I was jealous and tried to set up a weekly thing with my friends but it never worked out (though my husband was open to it). However, I've learned that what I really prefer is home alone time. So Monday nights I put the boy to bed early (easy after a long day with dad) right after my husband goes out and then I can relax alone. Also, the house is clean usually since we clean on Sundays so I don't have chores hanging over my head while trying to relax.
We have a decent balance. The only thing I would say is that as a teacher I tend to have more work to do than can fit in the school day and now that work is getting neglected... oh well, no one is perfect. If teachers got paid more I could hire a cleaning lady and then I'd have time to do that work.