Grrrr...brothers comments — The Bump
Miscarriage/Pregnancy Loss

Grrrr...brothers comments

So I finally talked to one of my brothers tonight who's been trying to get a hold of me since my miscarriage.  I know he has the good intentions, but what he said really irked me.  "Well, there was obviously something wrong with the baby that you miscarried, and it's a good thing that you miscarried it.  Nature has a way of working itself out." 

REALLY?   Needless to say, I ended the conversation shortly after that. 

 

DS 02/04/2006 DS 09/18/2007 BFP 11/22/2010, Missed M/C at 01/06/2011, Failed D & C 01/07/2011, Hemorraged & complete miscarriage 01/12/2011 Trying to Conceive Ticker image

Re: Grrrr...brothers comments

  • Funny you say this (not really funny but more coincidental).  My brother said the exact same thing to me.  I think men (or women who have never experienced this) just don't know the right words to say.  I just let my brother have his "heart to heart" moment with me and then let it go.  But I know it is hard to hear those words.
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  • I still can't understand how that is supposed to be comforting.  I think it is always said with good intentions... but still.  
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  • My mom reminded me that men don't become fathers until the baby is born. Women become mothers the second they find out they're pregnant. Men don't have to worry about the pregnancy, they don't have to change their habits, they don't have the imagination to plan that far in advance.  They're stupidly confident in their abililities. Your brother, and probably women who never had a loss - who take it all for granted, is probably doing the best with his own perspective. I got a lot of comments like that.  My DH, trying to comfort me with our blighted ovum (that took us 10 months to make), told me that there never was a baby, so why all the tears. They don't get it. He stopped talking and just did all the housework then. I guess that was the best thing he could've done. 
     
    ((hugs))
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    BFP #4: 8/11/11. EDD: 4/19/12. Beta #1: 33 on 8/12. Beta #2: 104 on 8/14. Beta #3: 1320 on 8/20. Beta#4: 12291 on 8/27. Heartbeat! Beta #5: 38857 on 9/3. Beta #6: 87069 on 9/10.
    BFP #3: 4/4/11. EDD: 12/14/11. Beta #1: 39 on 4/5. Beta #2: 108 on 4/7. Beta #3: 401 on 4/11. Beta #4: 12865 on 4/22. D&C #1 5/16. D&C #2 6/3. Karyotype showed tetraploidy.

    BFP #2: 3/4/11. EDD: 11/13/11. Beta #1: 9 on 3/7. Beta #2: 0 on 3/9. Chemical Pregnancy 3/9.

    BFP #1: 10/16/10 after 10 months TTC. EDD: 6/17/11. Blighted Ovum 11/12. D&E 12/6.
  • I'm to a point now where I honestly feel like it's my mission to teach people to quit saying stupid things in an attempt to help. I'm really sorry your brother said that. Yes he thought he was being comforting but it's still insensitive either way.

    [spoiler] My Blog: Grow Baby Grow

    BFP #1: 12/2009 m/c 1/2010 BFP #2: 6/2010 m/c 8/2010

    BFP #3: 10/2011 ectopic 11/2011 (right tube removed, learned left tube was probably nonfunctional due to scar tissue from infection after m/c)

    3 failed IUIs, IVF #1: 18R, 12M, 10F, 3 poor quality 5d embryos transferred= BFP #4!!!!!

    Betas: 9dp5dt: 64 ~14dp5dt: 91 (expecting miscarriage, doubling time of 236 hours) ~16dp5dt: 200~18dp5dt: 500

    First Ultrasound at 6w2d revealed two sacs, only one with a heartbeat

    LK arrived after 42 weeks on August 14, 2013! Beautiful, healthy, and happy!

    TTC#2: IVF booked for April 2015

    Surprise BFP#5 February 19, 2015 EDD: November 2, 2015

    Betas: 10dpo: 10, 14dpo: 77, 17dpo: 270

    First Ultrasound at 5w1d showed a miracle UTE baby! And right ovary ovulation to left fallopian tube.

    JD arrived at 38 weeks on October 20, 2015.

    TTC #3: Since October 2017. BFP #6 July 2, 2018 EDD: March 16, 2019 [/spoiler]


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