and the DHs? — The Bump
Miscarriage/Pregnancy Loss

and the DHs?

am i the only one who's husband has been a complete insensitive as* regarding a miscarriage?  seriously i feel like im going through this by myself.  my friends have been awesome, along with my mom (who is pretty clueless but is still great) but i dont live with them obviously.  the person i live with i cant even stand to be in the same room as him....i used the excuse "well men just dont understand" for awhile....but honestly, i cant keep giving him excuses.

Re: and the DHs?

  • Mine was awful while we were still waiting to find out what was going on (I had bleeding for 2 weeks before we got the official blighted ovum dx); they had told me to stay off my feet and he was being a total jerk any time I would ask him to do something for me so I could rest.  But now he's being great, so I don't know what that was all about.  I think men just grieve differently.  I'm sorry yours is being so sucky though :(
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  • Sixty percent of the time, my dh is amazing, the other 40% he is a complete douche. I think it is important to remember that they are grieving too. Sometimes they grieve differently than we do. More importantly, he probably feels a little helpless because he wants to make you feel better and can't. I think that is my dh's problem. It's very important that you all try to communicate right now. Good luck and I am sorry you are going through this while you are grieving.
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  • I'm sorry your DH is being an as*. How long ago was your MC? He may still be comming to terms with it, might not know how to react, or might not know how to express his feellings. I've read that alot of times men try to be the strong one in these situations and bottle up their emotions. Have you tried to talk to him about what he is feeling and what you're feeling? Does he want to try again? This can be a really hard time on your marriage, but the importaint thing to do is keep talking to each other. Don't close yourself off to him, keep communitation open. I hope things get better for you.
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  • well im in the process of having it.  im waiting to bleed out.  i go back tomorrow to see where my hcg level is at (im hoping it is super low).  i was  and still am worried that i was/am dealing with ectopic or blighted ovum....with my big temp drop today after 2 weeks of them being high, im hoping that today or tomorrow will be the big day and it can be a chemical.  (i am "5 weeks" today although i dont have anything viable and really never did)

    we've talked about stuff....i knew this pregnancy was doomed from the beginning.  but some things have ocurred where he has just been really insensitive and blowing the situation off and i really just want nothing to do with him : (

  • I am so sorry that you have to go through this. My DH actaully told me last night that he was never attatched so thats why he has been so absent from understanding my feelings. My DH is on my crap list right now and I am not speaking to him, so I am there with you girlie!!! Big Hug!!!

     

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  • image lanoue25:

    I am so sorry that you have to go through this. My DH actaully told me last night that he was never attatched so thats why he has been so absent from understanding my feelings. My DH is on my crap list right now and I am not speaking to him, so I am there with you girlie!!! Big Hug!!!

     

    yep that's me. i cant even deal with him right now.  i thought i would get so many responses regarding everyone's husband being great and supportive.  it's nice to know that im not the only one dealing with an insensitive husband.  (although obviously this is not a good thing and i want everyone's husbands to be great and supportive!!).

  • Men grieve differently for sure.  They try to fix things and this is something that can't be "fixed".  I don't know your husband or your relationship but he probably doesn't know how to deal with this all (your emotions, a baby he lost too).  Have you tried talking to him about this?  Does he know you are still upset and he is just choosing to ignore it?  I am sorry you don't have the support from him that you want. I hope by talking to him some more he can help you whether he be a shoulder to cry on or just listening to you vent.  GL and I hope he comes around regarding his insensitivety.  ((hugs))
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  • I am so sorry you are having to go through this.  Men can be such jerks sometimes.  When I was miscarrying, I was lying on the floor in the bathroom, clenching my stomach because of the cramping, and all he could say was, "hang in there, Babe."  As if something was supposed to happen to make all of this better.  Come to find out, he was really excited about the whole pg thing, and was crushed when we M/C.  We have been trying for over 3 years, and he got a little glimmer of hope, just like I did.  Hang in there, sweetie.  (((HUGS)))
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  • This is completely normal unfortunately but little talked about. My DH and I went through HELL after our first loss. He was over it within a few days and it's been a year and I know I will never be " over" it. We fought all the time. He thought I was milking it and I started to think he really just did not care about me or our children. We worked so hard to get back to normal and then we had another loss. All that hard work crashed and we were back to square one realizing we never had made any progress. We ended up in marriage counseling. I learned to be okay with the fact that he did not carry these babies and it's okay for him to have not been as bonded with them. He learned that he didn't have to "understand" my sadness but he had to accept it and he had to be supportive. I'm not saying you will need marriage counseling too, just saying it is so normal to have these issues with your spouse after a loss. Keep talking and communicating with him. I'm sorry you are going through this. It definitely makes an already awful time so much lonelier.

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  • This is such a relief to read.  DH & I have struggled through my miscarriages.  He says he doesn't understand my feelings because he never had the bond that I did because the babies weren't in his body. They weren't "real" to him because he never "saw" them.  I'm trying to understand him, and he's trying to understand me.  My husband is an engineer and sees things scientifically, and I'm just not like that.  I'm sorry that all of you women have struggled with your husbands, but I can say I understand. 
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  • I can relate to this too. Through the m/c and D&C, my DH was incredibly supportive. He held me when I was crying and said all the right things. Then a few days after it was done, he seemed to have "gotten over it". What I realized through conversations with him is that even though he is still sad and thinks about the baby all the time, he doesn't want to talk about it all the time and dwell on it. He would prefer to keep busy and keep moving forward. He still wanted to start work on the nursery but I put a stop to that idea b/c it would be too painful.

    He also told me that even though he's hurting, he knows he will never understand the pain that I feel because I carried our baby inside of me. You know the saying, " a woman becomes a mother when she learns she's pregnant; a man becomes a father when he holds his baby"? To men, a pregnancy is so abstract until they have something to see and feel. In the earliest days of my pregnancy, my body really didn't feel different and I had a hard time believing it was real. I have heard that men feel that way for a lot longer and it doesn't really become real to them until they can see the baby move or something. They can get very excited about it, but they just don't usually process this the same way as us women.

    I'm sorry your DH is being insensitive. I know it's hard and it doesn't make it any easier when you and your DH are on different pages of grieving. We're always here for you whenever you need to vent. ((Hugs))

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