I need advice/potential HT/Long
There is a woman at church that I became friends with. She has a lot of problems and I thought I could help..turns out I couldn't without getting hurt in the process. Here is her situation.: She admits that she suffers from depression but I'm not sure she is taking meds or going to counseling. She can't keep a job...she tends to get fired( she blames the depression). She has been unemployed since the end of Sept. She is behind on her rent (like back to Nov.-I don't now why the landlord doesn't evict her). She has had to ask the church and other "aid" agencies for money to pay electricity and car repair bills. She was involved with a man that she says is verbally and on a least one occaission physically abusive to her. She has broken off the relationship now but has done so in the past and keeps going back . She has taken handouts from people and then complained that what people gave her wasn't enough or wasn't good enough. Just before Christmas, she came to me with the story that she thought she was pregnant. ( She stopped taking BCP because she didn't like the way they made her feel.) She wasn't. (Thank God!)
Here is what I need advice about. Now she is taking MAPP classes to become an adoptive parent and wants me to "help " her. Of course, I think she is completely off her rocker! She might have potential to be a good parent if she can ever get her life together but it isn't together yet. She can't even get out of bed to get to church or work on time..how is she going to handle taking care of a child? She is going through "Social Services" (pick your favorite acronym..in our state it is P&P) The very protective mother in me is screaming "No" to the point that I have thought about calling the office to give the SW the back story. I'm afraid she is just interested in a child for the "income" (She has commented more than once that she could get more "help" from the agencies if she had two or three kids).
I really emotional about this because having another child is what I want the most in the world and it probably will never happen. She knows this and I feel like she is rubbing it in my face. I'm trying not to make and emotional decision. My DH want me to just cut off ties with her which I was going to do until the adoption thing came up. I don't want to pretend to be her friend and then stab heri n the back but I am seriously concerned about the potential children involved.
What would you do?
PAL/PGAL Welcome
Re: I need advice/potential HT/Long
1) As difficult as it is, try to stop personalizing it. I highly doubt she is rubbing it in your face. I'm not trying to be harsh, but this lady sounds like she's pretty into "her," and it wouldn't make a lot of sense for her to be all the sudden concerned about your feelings--even in a malicious way.
2) Honestly, I'd back as far away from this situation as I could. It is way, way out of your control, and to me at least, trying to...add some control by getting more involved would only stress me out more.
I'm surprised that she passed the application process enough to start classes if she has no income!
But I agree with pp. I would just cut her out of your life...hopefully the system will see her for what she is.
here are my 2 cents...... again, in MY STATE
1 - the appllication is just like fred said - just enough to get you in the computer. Most of the times, you do not find out that you were denined until MONTHS after your application. The "homestudy" - which is all the background checks, references, income statements, etc, etc can be done at the same time as the classes. If is totally possible to do the classes, and something comes up in the checks. Just because you went through the classes does not mean you could become a licenced home
2 - will be totally be denined if you have no income. You have to have enough income to support yourself (or current family) without any stipend that you may receive from the state. We needed to provide very detailed records of all our money stuff.
3 - they do an extensive background check. So, if there were ever reports of domestic violence reported at any of her previous addresses, that would come up
4 - you need medical clearence from your current doctor, basically stating that you do not have anything medically related that would interfere with raising a child. So, if she has depression AND saw a doc about it AND uses that same doc for her medical reference, I am sure it would be brought up. Yes, lots of ifs there. But - you see my point.
5 - we needed LOTS of references, from very specific people. Like, one from an actual neighbor, one from someone you knew at least 5 years, one you knew 10 years, one from an organization (like a church, etc - this could be a loose interp of the word), etc. So, it is possible that she would list people that may not give a favorable ref. I know I personally would not list someone that I thought would give me a bad review - but hey - you never know....maybe she would pick you.
I probably would do a wait and see type of approach.
My Blog
Thanks for the replies everyone. As Fred and Mycolony posted, in our state you call up and say you want to be a foster/adoptive parent and they schedule you to attend classes. The application, proof of income, med. exams, etc. all come later when they are beginning the homestudy. I guess I panicked at the thought of this woman even trying to foster, much less be some child's forever family. I'm afraid she will ask me to be a reference and I 'll have to give her a negative one. My conscience and my integrity won't let me do otherwise. I've been trying to distance myself since the her pregnancy scare because she has become an emotional vampire ( learned that term just this morning). I have been wanting to let her know how she has hurt me and that I need to step back from the friendship but I am afraid that she's not stable and her behavior is unpredictable. She admits to being physical with her ex-DH and the ex-boyfriend. I don't want to "break-up" with her over the phone but to do it in person I want witnesses and/or someone to call 911 if it goes south. Unfortunately, I have had to put my teenage children in that position and explain to them what is going on. Even my 16 yo DD who is usually very "puppies and rainbows" about everybody was shocked that this woman thinks she can be a parent at this point.
I know it doesn't sound like she would ever be approved but I keep remembering a SW telling the story about a FP who called them after her FC were reunited to say "When are you going to send me more kids? I got bills to pay!" SW admited that they still had to use that FP for a while because they were so desperate. I forgot to add to the description of her situation that she is sort of an animal collector...not quite a hoarder but she has 2 dogs, a cat, 2 turtles, 2 guinea pigs, a rabbit, 2 fish tanks, 2 love birds...all in a two bedroom apartment. The "child's" room has a twin bed with no bedding and animal cages/ supplies. She also has no living room furniture except for a table and some book shelves and her "dining room" had dog and cat crates. I hoping that will fail her even if she passes everything else.
Oh, and her family is in Mich so she has no local support to and everybody knows even the best parents need someone to vent to or babysit occaisionally. I think she think I will be that person but for my own sanity, I just can't.
I guess I reacted so badly because the day she told her adoption news (Jan 27)was the 3rd anniversary of my 1st miscarriage( I already felt down, obviously) and my DH and my youngest DS were stuck in Washington DC. Their flight was cancelled due to a "missing crew member" rather than the weather and no one told them until it was too late to catch a later flight. USAir finally put them on a flight to Huntsville AL. and then a shuttle to Nashville. They arrived there at 1:30 am Friday, spent the night with a friend, and then had to drive another hr + home.
Oh and my DD informed me that her (and her brother's) BM and Bsiblings had contacted her on FB. I think BM is stable now but it was not a happy "everybody-does-what-is-best-for-the-child" relationship. She fought TPR tooth and nail even though it was apparent that she was in no shape to parent at that time. Somehow this got translated to everything being mine and DH's fault even though P&P took them away and we were just the family they were placed with.
Too many emotional torpedos at once! I needed cooler heads to advise me and I appreciate the input. I don't know if I will be proactive and contact P&P or wait until things unfold. I do know I'm going to distance myself and speak to our minister. I'm sure she is planning to use him as a reference, too and I want him to be prepared.
PAL/PGAL Welcome
You don't have to break up with her, and you don't have to talk to her about this. the great thing about distancing yourself is that you don't have to discuss it at all. Avoid her calls and e-mails, and if she does get a hold of you, just tell her you've been too busy to have any time to catch up lately. Done.
Don't make this into a bigger thing than it needs to be. Don't confront her or tell her you need space/time. And whatever you do, do not get your children involved! Just talk to her less and spend less time around her.