What Would You Do?
Ok so Im only having one shower so anybody who I want to come is going to be invited.
The issue is, DFs parents are seprerated and both have remarried. Im not really close to the stepmom but Im VERY attached to his fathers side of the family (grandma, aunt, cousin) They have been so warm and wonderful to me and DF through the years and are over the moon excited about the baby.
The thing is, DFs mom doesnt like any of them. Its been well over 10 years since their divorce (a divorce which was all her btw) but she still acts put out by them. I know that I wont have any drama or problems from them but Im not so sure about her. Its not her shower so I feel like she needs to get over it. Its only a few hours and there will be more than enough guest for her to talk to. I also plan to invite the stepmom just out of courtesy but I know she wont come.
I dont want bad feelings but its not fair to not invite them because of her, its the only shower I will be having. She thinks Im in the wrong, opinions?
Re: What Would You Do?
Invite all of your intended guests. I'm of the mindset that the people who come are the people who are supposed to be there. If your DF's mom can't think outside of herself to be there, then so be it.
However you decide on this will determine the rest of the events in your life.
First, stop discussing this w/ her. Second, invite whoever you want.
Next time she brings it up, I'd just say "i'm sorry you don't agree, but this isn't your decision. They are important to me will be invited. I fully understand if it's too upsetting for you and you'd rather not come." and then change the topic and move on.
Shut the topic down. And if you make it clear that you dno't care if she doesn't come, it may make her shut up! (I've seen this in action in my own family w/ an aunt who was a b1tch about my wedding. once she was told "don't come, then", she shut up.).
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Invite anyone you want. Hopefully they'll realize that this day is about your new family and act accordingly.
If it helps, my parents divorced 24 years ago. They both married other people over 15 years ago. My mom and dad still get along, my dad and ste-dad tolerate each other (way different personalities), but my mom and step-mom absolutely despise each other. They're all invited. They know that if they can't get along, just stay on separate sides of the room.
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I've had to take a hard line with my parents, who've been divorced for 32 yrs. I sat them down individually and told them that all parties will be family events, meaning both sets of parents will be there. There will be no snide remarks, arguing, etc and if I hear any they will be asked to leave. I've also told them that they don't have to come to things if they aren't comfortable, but it will be their choice to miss out on being with their family. When I get lip back I gently remind them that they got married, had kids and got divorced all of their own free will and I didn't get any say in anything so I really don't care if they don't like it, they can suck it up for a couple hours. This has been my rule for 10 yrs and in the beginning I did actually have to make them leave a couple times, but after the first couple family events they figured out that I wasn't kidding and have decided to act like adults.
If you don't set the ground rules now you will deal with this at every one of your child's bdays, school events, christmas, etc. Better to take a hard line now and get them to behave than to have to worry about this for the rest of your life.
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Totally agree with this! They are all adults and are more than capable of sitting in a room together to celebrate yoru baby. If MIL can't handle, she's the one that shouldn't come.
I would suggest inviting everyone since it is YOUR shower and everyone is an adult.
Hopefully the idea that she will look like an idiot will stop her from making a fool of herself. If you think that the fear of that won't be enough, I would suggest talking to her about how you feel saying "I don't want you to be uncomfortable, but I invited blah, blah, blah, because I do not want to leave anyone out or hurt anyone's feelings. I know it might be awkward for you, but I really appreciate your cooperation and civility". Or something like that.
Nope Im good thanks! I love it the way it is
Seriously? Did she ask for your opinion? OP - your response was amazing.
Exactly.
What is wrong with you? Did you think you were on the baby names board? This is the baby shower board.
Idiot.