Thanks y'all

madelyn07 · January 2011

I appreciate the support and kind words. My beta has been drawn. I did test again last night and the FRER was still negative so I'm not expecting any sort of surprise today. My nurse asked me if I cheated and I told her that I did and it was negative and she said that a woman earlier this week was in the same situation..- the night before beta but got a + beta in the end. She said that woman as a total basketcase and she couldn't believe how calm I was. I just said "Yea, I'm tired and don't feel well" but I wanted to say that I've just accepted that this is my reality.

DH and I had a long talk about everything last night and, right now, he's not really comfortable moving forward with another IVF cycle (partly due to the cost) without some more answers about everything. And, of course, I want answers too but I know we won't likely get any. Probably just a new diagnosis of some sort due to the extremely low # of eggs retrieved and a lessened projected chance of success in the future.

Even if we do get the answers and the reassurance that we need in order to move forward, we still can't do anything until this summer and I'm just not really at all interested in extending this journey that long. So we'll see, I guess. My WTF is scheduled for 2/9 but I need to try to reschedule so DH can come.

Honestly, right now, I really wish we hadn't done this IVF cycle. At least in the past there was some kind of hope...IVF brings that hope. Now we have nothing left to try (since we aren't open to donor eggs/sperm or adoption) and that's a very helpless feeling. Sure we could try some new approaches and a new protocol but the hope still isn't there. I can honestly say I wish I had stuck with my instincts and not done IVF at all. Hypocritical, I know, since I want to do another cycle right now but I felt a lot better about our situation prior to doing IVF than I do now. I know that doesn't make any sense but that's how I feel. I think it would have been easier on me mentally and emotionally to call it quits after IUIs than it is now having done IVF. Guess that is my compeitive nature or something.

meg_koole · January 2011

So sorry sweetie.... I really don't know what else to say

Big Hugs. Thinking of you...

M&MBride0506 · January 2011

Thinking of you honey (((hugs)))

daisies916 · January 2011

(((hugs)))

I am so sorry. Words cannot describe how sad I am for you. I will continue to pray for you.

DeputiesWife · January 2011

::hugs::

Thinking of you, Madelyn, and YH.

Bella2u07 · January 2011

Oh Mad, my heart broke reading your post.

I am thinking of you. (((hugs)))

P.S.- YGPM, just give me a minute to write it.

Mandy_Lou83 · January 2011

I am so so sorry Madelyn! I am so sad for you. I wish I could come thru the computer and give you a huge hug. Left Hug

bhilyer · January 2011

Oh, Madelyn Sad I'm so sorry that you're dealing with this and having all of these feelings. IF sucks and it's not fair!

chizzle09 · January 2011

I'm so sorry

I hope you get a surprise today at your beta. I'm sorry you're going through this.

scooterq · January 2011

It makes perfect sense to me and I can 100% relate because I felt the same way after IVF #1 failed. I felt such a huge loss of hope and a part of me wished we had stopped at IUIs. But when I really think about it I would've always wondered what if and would've wished we had tried everything.

Big ((hugs)) hon!! I hope you get a miracle today.

07may07 · January 2011

Big ((HUGS)) madelyn.

I'm so sorry. IF really sucks. I wish you didn't have to feel all this pain.

MrsRich0226 · January 2011

Oh honey...I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this. You've had a tough week and I've been thinking about you. IF sucks and it's just not fair.

Please take care of yourself and get some rest this weekend! If it makes you feel any better, it's still *ss cold in MN!

((hugs))

roselln2 · January 2011

Thinking of you, H. (((hugs)))

nola8446 · January 2011

First BIG (((HUGS)))

Second - I can completely relate to your post. That is exactly how I felt after IVF #1 was a big failure. I lost hope and did not know if we wanted to do any further treatments. We had our WTF and called the RE two more times with more questions and concerns. It is a very helpless feeling and I am so sorry you are having to go through any of this. Donor egg/sperm and adoption is not in the cards for us either, so we are in the same boat. I hope you get all of your questions and concerns answered at your WTF and I hope it will make YH feel better.

You and your H are in my thoughts and prayers. I hope y'all can do something really nice for yourselves this weekend.

mariposa_atl · January 2011

Hugs, I am sorry and I hope you get a nice surprise today.

cookie_queen · January 2011

I'm still holding out hope for you sweetie! ((hugs)) hang in there! IF blows.

jcath · January 2011

(((hugs))) This stuff is so awful. I'm so sorry.

babylove0511 · January 2011

your post makes sense to me =( that is how i felt after ivf 1. huge ((HUGS)) to you and your DH and i wish there was something i could say to make you feel better. IF stinks so bad.

redsoxbono · January 2011

I'm so sorry that you are going through this. {{hugs}} to both of you.

Faith722 · January 2011

Your post made me all teary-eyed. I could have written your exact post a couple of months ago -- minus the part about your DH's schedule.

It's so hard to continue to have hope and, honestly some days I do better than others. I've also questioned whether the timing of our 1st IVF was right. Would it have worked if we'd done it 3 months earlier or if I'd waited until I lost another 10 pounds? And I can't seem to stop overanalyzing the timing for our 2nd cycle.

I know we have to cycle again b/c I'd always regret it if we didn't try again. But it is a huge burden, emotionally and financially.

I really hope you get an awesome surprise beta and don't have to think about this stuff anymore. <<<HUGS>>>

missred75 · January 2011

Oh, Madelyn. I'm so sorry. I know how you feel about the loss of hope. I'm thinking of you today. ::hugs::

albjag · January 2011

I've just got big Hugs for you hon and a shoulder to lean on.

I am still hoping you get good news with your beta. *Hugs*

vanessagorc · January 2011

((huge hugs sweetie)) so F-ing unfair.

ladychicago · January 2011

I am so sorry, honey... So so very sorry. No one should have to go through this. All I can say is just give yourself some time. I don't blame you one bit for how you are feeling and you need to take all the time you need to feel this way and grieve the failed cycle. It just sucks. Just please don't forget (even if it rings hallow now)... Even a picture perfect IVF cycle only has a 50-60% chance of working, and you had the most important part work (transferring two embryos that looked great). And an IVF cycle can tell your doctor SO much about next steps. A protocol change can be a whole new ballgame in terms of your response. But just tuck that away for now. Take good care of yourself and do whatever you need to do to get through the next few days and weeks. I will be thinking about you. Do something to pamper yourself. (((hugs)))

Stuckinthemiddle · January 2011

I'm sorry Madelyn. One thing that can come out of this is that you can't look back in years to come and question yourself if you hadn't tried IVF. You are a very brave woman. I'm still pulling for you!

cbubbles2 · January 2011

I'm srry you're in such a tough place. I completely understand wishing you Hadn't done IVF because then you could feel like there is still another step to try. It's hard with a failed IVF cycle(s) because it really is the last option for conceiving and carrying a baby. Big, bear (hugs)

Sunshine05 · January 2011

I'm so sorry that you're in this place, Madelyn. I can't even imagine how you're feeling right now. I can understand what you're saying about wishing you hadn't gone through with IVF now, but if you had stopped at the IUI's I think you might have always had that nagging thought in the back of your head... and the what-if's might have eaten you up. I'm still hoping and praying that you get a huge surprise today and that the pee-sticks are lying. *huge hugs, hon*

kthappy76 · January 2011

(((hugs))) Hope you get good news today. Failure after doing IVF is a whole other type of pain. I sometimes wish we had tried to get more answers before going for it. I hope that you and DH are able to find a solution/situation that brings you peace.