Advice on how NOT to raise monsters

tjmtjm · January 2011

My DH and I hate his sister's kids. Hate is a strong word to use towards a child...but I'm not even kidding. They are awful. The boy 3, is a spitter, biter, kicker, screamer and once even pulled his pants down and peed in a dog crate at my MIL house. I REFUSE to sit anywhere near them at a table. The 2 year old girl is also learning all the above behaviors (well, except the peeing one...so far). When we go out to dinner as a family, the kids scream and yell so much that SIL and her hubby have to leave after 10 minutes (they just box up their food and leave) My other SIL and MIL would never, ever use the word "hate" to describe these children...but they will admit they don't like to be around them. My MIL used to watch other my other SIL's children all day...and has told her other daughter she will NOT watch those children (which kinda makes me do an evil lol...) because she just can't control them.

Anyway...Her kids have made me afraid to raise children. What tips do you have to NOT raise snotty, mean and rude monsters?

momtojake · January 2011

Don't allow them to do it and when they do you need to punish them and be consistent about it. You can't allow them to do it some days and not on other days. You need to be consistent in every aspect of parenting. Starting as early as 1 is NOT to early. They do understand the different between yes and no and that will help.

kgunz11 · January 2011

Learn from their mistakes. Remember what you don't like about their behaviors and curtail that behavior in your own children if/when it starts to appear. Teach your children to be kind, loving and respectful individuals. Be aware of their behavior and the impact it has on others vs turning a blind eye.

pettycrocker · January 2011

I'm sorry you are dealing with this, but I have to say it's NOT THEIR FAULT. This is a result of bad parenting, and neither of you should "hate" such young children for something that's really not their fault for not being shown another way to behave.

I have 2 young nephews who randomly act up because they are young, and still LEARNING.

FrankieandTyler · January 2011

i'm interested in what the mom's say. i have a cousin with children just like this. they destroy everything, have no manners, and make me afraid to raise my own child sometimes. everyone knows these kids and there are a lot of comments under the breath when they pull in. this can be prevented, no? i sure hope so.

i'm not technically a mommy. well i am, but the LO isn't acting up too much yet! so i don't want to sound judgey. but i'm anxious to see what the mom's say!

tjmtjm · January 2011

SIL had her child older too. She was 34 when she had her first and that was after getting out her first marriage (to a guy who didn't want kids) and when she met her current husband and got pregnant they were so thrilled to have a child that they let it run WILD!

Starting from Day 1....good advice! I'm pretty sure they didn't do that!

Abbney · January 2011

There is a family back home with 17 children and everyone single one of them has gone to school on some sort of athletic/academic scholorship (except for one who was born special needs but he goes to college, he's my age, but he goes to school and he works)

All of them are bright, respectful kids, and I remember the mother, she never raised her voice to them. If they were being bad and/or got in trouble, she whispered in their ear, or spoke very softly to them. Which makes sense screaming teaches screaming, clam teaches calm

tjmtjm · January 2011

Mrs Castillo:

I'm sorry you are dealing with this, but I have to say it's NOT THEIR FAULT. This is a result of bad parenting, and neither of you should "hate" such young children for something that's really not their fault for not being shown another way to behave.

I have 2 young nephews who randomly act up because they are young, and still LEARNING.

Well, it may not be their fault, but that doesn't mean I need to make an extra effort to hang with them. I don't want to go to dinner and come home covered in mashed potatoes. Esp. if its not my kid doing the damage!

Randomly acting up is completely different. Randomly acting out is when they make a slip and its over. Screaming for 20 minutes straight and biting everyone that tries to say hello is not random.

tjmtjm · January 2011

Jhron813:
Sheesh, one thing you may want to do is keep your kids away from their cousins -- you don't want them learning by example!

I KNOW, RIGHT!

Thankfully we live 4 1/2 hours away from them. And they aren't into traveling (probably since the kids make it impossible). My DH said the same thing...."Thank God we don't live close to LO's cousins!"

I think part of it is they don't know HOW to be around people. They live in the country and she is a SAHM so they don't go to daycare. They are never around anyone but Mom and Dad. The little boy was in pre-pre school but my SIL pulled them out after too many problems. He was hitting/kicking/punching/biting other kids in class and the director wanted to do home visits...so my SIL just pulled him out saying "he wasn't ready". Yeah, right....

Oh well..its easy to judge with no kids. But I haven't had any friends with issues like this yet.

old_time_girl · January 2011

Though I'm not a parent yet (well kinda? lol) I'll put in my two cents.

Think back to when you were little. What rules did you have to follow and what were the consequences for not following those rules? Did you turn out ok? Do you agree/disagree with how you're parents raised you?

I know some people are in disagreement with the 1-2-3 method of child raising, however my mother used it and it worked for us. I'm going to use it too. (If it works with my child, not everything is going to work the same because each have their own minds) Mom would use it for the smallest of things. I was 3 and my brother was 5 and we were in a restaurant, my brother was poking me in my side. Our mother told him to stop and if he didn't stop he was going to sit out in the car. Well, he poked me again and mom repeated what she said. Finally, my brother poked me one more time and mom told him why he was going to sit out in the car and took his hand and lead him out there. (my father and grandparents were there. We all continued to eat and we joined mom after we were done. Yes, mom sat out there with him and missed dinner. But would you rather miss a few dinners and raise a decent child or have all your dinners ruined 'cause you can't control your child?) The whole point of that story is, Mom knew what she thought was inappropriate and was willing to follow through with what she said she was going to do. If parents don't let their children know it's not ok to act a certain way, how will they ever learn?

Gummybear · January 2011

We actually just took a parenting seminar because our 3 year old is VERY, ummm, spirited. She is very intelligent and extremely active, massively stubborn and well-spoken. She is a handful, that is for sure. I agree with pp that all kids are different. I know people might see how she acts in certain places, but one of the most important lessons I learned at the class is that I have to aknowledge her personality and work with it, instead of comparing her to other kids who may be less of a handul. But that is a whole other post.

ANYWAY, one of the resounding messages in the class was the 3 Cs -- be calm, confident and consistant. I have tried hard to keep these three words in the back of my head at all times and it DOES work, even with a challenging child. Getting to their level when you talk to them, not freaking out and raising your voice, sticking to your guns with consequences, and chjoosing your battles.

Another technique I use with my daughter all the time that is VERY successful is CHOICE. When she is whining or tantruming about something, let's say, playing in the snow too early in the morning, I will present it like this, "C, you have two choices, we can either have breakfast to get some energy and then play in the snow, OR we can stay inside and cry and not play in the snow today because we didn't eat our good food". She always, withour fail, stops, thinks about her choice, and picks the right one. It gives her a sense of control.

mbritto4 · January 2011

It's called disciplining your kids. Take things away for bad behavior, verbal praise for good, earning back things that were taken away with good behavior, time outs, and if necessary leaving a fun activity when they won't listen. I've put DD in time out at my ILs house before. You find a quiet spot and make them sit. When they are too small you can still say "NO" and redirect bad behavior. I roll my eyes at the ones who don't want to tell their kids no. They are usually the ones whose kids act like terrors. I agree with PP that it's not the kid's fault it's the parents. Hate your inlaws for being to self absorbed to discipline their kids. Don't hate the kids.

tjmtjm · January 2011

tjmtjm:

Jhron813:
Sheesh, one thing you may want to do is keep your kids away from their cousins -- you don't want them learning by example!

I KNOW, RIGHT!

Thankfully we live 4 1/2 hours away from them. And they aren't into traveling (probably since the kids make it impossible). My DH said the same thing...."Thank God we don't live close to LO's cousins!"

I think part of it is they don't know HOW to be around people. They live in the country and she is a SAHM so they don't go to daycare. They are never around anyone but Mom and Dad. The little boy was in pre-pre school but my SIL pulled them out after too many problems. He was hitting/kicking/punching/biting other kids in class and the director wanted to do home visits...so my SIL just pulled him out saying "he wasn't ready". Yeah, right....

Oh well..its easy to judge with no kids. But I haven't had any friends with issues like this yet.

And I should qualify this statement: I am in NO WAY SAYING BEING A CHILD OF A SAHM will make you turn out bad. I was raised by a SAHM and turned out great (lol)! I hope to be one someday! But I lived in your typical neighborhood and had lots of playgroups and friends to socialize with. When I say these kids live in the country...I mean the closest neighbor is their paternal gparents (who live next door) and thats it for atleast 2 miles!

tjmtjm · January 2011

Gummybear:

We actually just took a parenting seminar because our 3 year old is VERY, ummm, spirited. She is very intelligent and extremely active, massively stubborn and well-spoken. She is a handful, that is for sure. I agree with pp that all kids are different. I know people might see how she acts in certain places, but one of the most important lessons I learned at the class is that I have to aknowledge her personality and work with it, instead of comparing her to other kids who may be less of a handul. But that is a whole other post.

ANYWAY, one of the resounding messages in the class was the 3 Cs -- be calm, confident and consistant. I have tried hard to keep these three words in the back of my head at all times and it DOES work, even with a challenging child. Getting to their level when you talk to them, not freaking out and raising your voice, sticking to your guns with consequences, and chjoosing your battles.

Another technique I use with my daughter all the time that is VERY successful is CHOICE. When she is whining or tantruming about something, let's say, playing in the snow too early in the morning, I will present it like this, "C, you have two choices, we can either have breakfast to get some energy and then play in the snow, OR we can stay inside and cry and not play in the snow today because we didn't eat our good food". She always, withour fail, stops, thinks about her choice, and picks the right one. It gives her a sense of control.

Good advice! I love the CHOICE idea. I will use that.

For those of you getting hung up on the "hate" word, its more like I hate hanging around them and generally make other plans. I also hate American Idol...but I don't want to kill it! lol

Its not really that I hate the kids...I forget that on thebump semantics can get you all riled up.

miller4285 · January 2011

I feel (and this is just me, I work in a mental health office), that the parents of these children need to start seeing a child psychiatrist. To learn as a family about better disciplining skills, and to start reversing the behavior that is already ingrained in these kids. Trying different types of therapies until one starts working. If there is not much improvement, the child may need to see both a medical doctor and a psychiatrist...to rule out any medical, organic, or mental problems that may be contributing to this. (before anyone jumps, notice I said a therapist FIRST as well as medical doctor NEXT....it could be lack of discipline all the way up to something serious like highly functioning Autism, or ODD, or ADHD. Though most physician's will not diagnose the behavioral disorders until after age 4)

Don't be afraid of raising children. Discipline and actually PARENTING instead of letting them run around like crazy is how you prevent this. If, even after great efforts, there are disruptive problems....seek a professional to find if there is an underlying medical problem!

dairygirl19 · January 2011

No means no, the first time not the 3rd.

Be firm, fair and CONSISENT.

momtoRaegan041008 · January 2011

Raise your child differently. Set limits, use discipline (not physical), positive reinforcement and let them know what you expect out of them. My daughter might only be 2, but she knows what is appropriate and what is not. She knows when she is doing something she is not suppose to do. Follow through with what you say for example, if you continue to throw the toy, you will need to find another toy to play with, we do not throw our toys. If they continue, take the toy away. Don't give in to tantrums.

I know you are way away from a lot of this, since we haven't had our babies yet, but it helps to be prepared. This lady has some good techniques: https://consciousdiscipline.com/

kmoses10 · January 2011

DD is only 6 months, but I feel what we are doing will work. We correct behaviors we don't like in a gentle manner ex. "no we do not put our feet on the table" we feel that if she is never aloud to learn the behavior than it will not be an issue. I feel it is about establishing boundries with your child at an early age, even if they do not understand yet. Because once they understand you will already be teaching them the correct behavior instead of trying to fix the bad behavior.

My mom thinks I am nuts, but my sil did this and it worked well for her.

braveangel2 · January 2011

Have a united front with both parents, be consistent, and start early.

We taught our DD that certain things were off-limits when she started crawling at 9 months. I know most people will disagree with that, but now, at age two, we receive comments on how well-behaved she is. There's an important line between discipline and crushing their spirits. We let her personality shine through and let her explore her world within the limits of the family rules. (example: have fun in the dirt! No, the dirt doesn't go in your mouth)

And I think you have the right idea...keep a mental note of what you don't like. That helped me. The whole goal of raising a child is make them someone you'd want to be around.

braveangel2 · January 2011

Oh, a few more...

Never discipline out of anger

Don't set them up for failure (if your kid is hungry, overtired, overstimulated etc., it's difficult for you to get through, recognize when they're at their limits and work with what you have)

Find out what they respond to and use that for discipline. For me it was a look from my mom or an occasional spanking. For my sister it was being in her room away from family members. Kids are different, even within the same family.

Don't tune out. I see this at the mall or the park. I know there are great conversations to be had, but the first priority is the kid(s). It's tough to be consistent if you zone out.

CMM05 · January 2011

You and your DH need to decide on a consistent discipline plan and follow through. EVERY family and EVERY child is different. Two children from the same parents, same house and same discipline method can behave and turn out very differently.

I am just so, so sad reading this. I wonder what goes on in that house for those children. I wish that you could be an adult in their life that gives them positive support and shows them good examples. I could never imagine writing something like this about my nieces and nephews

jillybean222 · January 2011

Kids will rise to meet the expectations you set for them. If you allow them to run around a restaurant and act like maniacs, that is exactly what they will do. If you let them, kick, bite, pee in random locations, that is what they will do.

I can go almost anywhere with my kids and go completely unnoticed - other than the frequent visits from strangers to say how well-behaved my 2 and 3 year old are. It makes me really proud.

COMomma81 · January 2011

Simple. DISCIPLINE!

That's really sad they allow their children to behave like that. Just wait until they're teenagers. Yikes :P

COMomma81 · January 2011

braveangel2:
Oh, a few more...
Never discipline out of anger
Don't set them up for failure (if your kid is hungry, overtired, overstimulated etc., it's difficult for you to get through, recognize when they're at their limits and work with what you have)
Find out what they respond to and use that for discipline. For me it was a look from my mom or an occasional spanking. For my sister it was being in her room away from family members. Kids are different, even within the same family.
Don't tune out. I see this at the mall or the park. I know there are great conversations to be had, but the first priority is the kid(s). It's tough to be consistent if you zone out.

^^AMAZING, AMAZING ADVICE. Seriously.

tjmtjm · January 2011

braveangel2:
Have a united front with both parents, be consistent, and start early.

We taught our DD that certain things were off-limits when she started crawling at 9 months. I know most people will disagree with that, but now, at age two, we receive comments on how well-behaved she is. There's an important line between discipline and crushing their spirits. We let her personality shine through and let her explore her world within the limits of the family rules. (example: have fun in the dirt! No, the dirt doesn't go in your mouth)

And I think you have the right idea...keep a mental note of what you don't like. That helped me. The whole goal of raising a child is make them someone you'd want to be around.

I love everything you wrote here!

tjmtjm · January 2011

CMM05:
You and your DH need to decide on a consistent discipline plan and follow through. EVERY family and EVERY child is different. Two children from the same parents, same house and same discipline method can behave and turn out very differently.
I am just so, so sad reading this. I wonder what goes on in that house for those children. I wish that you could be an adult in their life that gives them positive support and shows them good examples. I could never imagine writing something like this about my nieces and nephews

I honestly think its while they wanted to be parents..they have no idea HOW to parent (not that I do either...but I'm trying my darnedest to learn! Everyone here as great suggestions and advice.

And yes it is EXTREMELY sad. The last time we saw them the older one was pulling on my dogs tail and screaming in its face (VERY HARD PULLING BTW) and my hubby told him "No" and asked him to stop. And of course instead of stopping he just kept on doing whatever...while his mother and father laughed at my DH for trying to tell him "No and stop". They laughed "Oh, XXXXXX is just high spirited" or "XXXXXX doesn't like to be told 'no' *chuckle* *chuckle*." God, it was so irritating. So DH put the dog outside so he couldn't "taunt" it anymore and the child SCREAMED, CRIED, and BIT my DH! All the while his parents said, "Oh just let him play with the dog". And my DH replied, "No, he's not being nice to my dog" and the kid screamed that he hated his Uncle XXXXX.

What a joy. What great parenting. See why I need all your guys help? lol

Thankfully, I have a very patient and good natured dog... some other dogs would not stand for that.

I'm terrified of what they will grow up to be and scared FOR my SIL and her hubby for what kind of teens they will have! I'm terrified my kid (who will only be 3 years younger than their youngest) will pick up bad habits!!! So, sadly, I will be carefully monitoring any time spent with their cousins!

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