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South Florida Babies
Moms of more than one
As we near very close to the birth of Little Miss (yes she is still unnamed), I am trying my hardest not to have this overwhelming feeling of guilt. I know that my sister and I are just about the same age difference apart, and I truly do not remember not having her around; however, I feel like I will be sharing my attention with the baby when Spencer needs me the most. While Josh is very involved in everything that Spencer does, I just want to make sure I give them both equal amounts of my attention, which of course will be less time than he is used to having. Maybe it is because we are deeply involved in the terrible 2?s, and his behavior is really unpredictable these days.
I know there is no turning back now, and I really wouldn?t even if I could, I am just a mixture of emotions at this point! Talk me off this ledge!
TIA,
Gena
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Moms of more than one
Obviously my situation is way different, and Spencer is used to being the number 1 in both your lives. It is going to be a big adjustment for him. Initially, when people come over to visit, I'd have them focus their attention on him instead of baby as so he won't feel the jealousy. That is what we did with niece when nephew was born. And actually she would take us to see baby brother bc she was so proud of him.
As a parent, it is hard to split your attention between the both of them, especially when the both need you. I actually explain to them (I know, I'm crazy) that they need to split me, and that when one sleeps the other has all my attention. If one naps and the other stays awake, I try to play with that awake baby to help compensate with splitting my time. At the beginning babies sleep so much, maybe that will help Spencer out with the adjustment.
All mommies have to split their time... and all children survive! : ) I'm sure your family will be fine, it just takes adjusting and finding a routine.
"If we couldn't laugh we would all go insane" -- Jimmy Buffett
BFP #3: 01/28/12, EDD: 09/23/12, MMC (BO), D&C 2/16/12 at 6.5 wks
BFP #4: 05/23/12, EDD: 01/31/12, Early MC at 5 wks
RPL Workup: + LPD (7DPO Prog = 7.8, Endometrial Bx = out of phase)
Elevated Alpha 2-glycoprotein IgA and antiphosphatidylserine IgM -->
Hematologist said not to worry and no need for treatment!
Dx: LPD
Cycle #1(08/2012): Clomid 50 mg CD3-7, Ovidrel CD13 + Progesterone = It worked!
BFP #5 on 09/10/12 (11 DPO). HCG #1 @ 14DPO = 131.6 HCG #2 @ 16DPO = 509
EDD: 05/23/2013
Don't worry, cause honestly, there will be times when they both don't get the attention they deserve. You'll feel guilty about both of them so it will all turn out even, lol. I remember feeling that way before DD2 was born, worrying about DD1. We made sure people tried to focus on her when they came over and we tried to keep our routine the same (bedtime for instance I would still go give her a bath and read to her while DH stayed with DD2).
They'll test you too. For instance, ideally you'd think that if you fed the older one then you could feed the younger one in peace when it's the younger one's turn. But that won't happen. When you're feeding the younger one the older one will get all sorts of ideas about needing juice, or having to potty, or wanting a cracker b/c she's still hungry. It's all about getting your focus away from the other kid. And it's really tough. You feel guilty that the older one may really need something but then if you go get it the younger one isn't getting fed and starts to cry. It can get very upsetting. But just like all things it will all change and they'll get bigger and things will balance out (I hope, lol)
What you are feeling is normal. The guilt about knocked me over before and after Isabelle was born. Here is the thing, though. Spencer is getting a gift, too. He is getting a baby sister who will be his friend for life. Part of having a new baby is learning to share the attention and love that he recieved from mommy and daddy all those years before the baby arrived. Its hard on them. I am not gonna lie. Sophia had a few weeks of some pretty attention getting behavior before she adjusted. And that was with us making sure that we did not over-shower the baby with attention, ignore her, etc. So, to a degree, Spencer needs to kind of learn that it is not all about him anymore BUT there are ways to do this that will make him OK with the new change in his life.
- If he shows interest, get him involved. Sophia's job was to put the dirty diapers in the Diaper Bin or garbage can. She would bring me clean diapers when I asked.
- Let him hold the baby when he asks...but be prepared for him to hold her for 10 seconds and then try to shove her off with an, "ok, I'm done".
- Don't let anyone push the baby on him. If he wants to ignore her - let him. He will come to be interested in his own time.
- Some reverting is OK. I tried to take a deep breath and pick my battles with this one. If Sophia wanted to wear a bib or play with Isabelle's toys or sit in her rock n play or swing - I let her. I would play the, "Isabelle would like to share her swing with you while she is not using it" card. Kind of letting her know that it was not HER swing but also letting Sophia realize that its not only Sophia sharing her stuff, mommy, and daddy with Isabelle - Isabelle is sharing with her, too. However, I drew the line some places and did not let Sophia wear diapers or suck on a paci or use a bottle.
I bought a book that I really liked called, "I'm a big sister" which talked about all the things a baby will do and not do when it gets hear. I recommend you getting one for Spencer that will help him prepare his little mind. I read it before and after ISabelle arrived.
I just realized that this was a lot more than you asked for. LOL. This is all so fresh in my mind that I did not even know where to start or stop with my advice. Sorry if I bombarded you!!!
Books I recommend:
New Baby in the House
I'm a Big Sister (or "I'm a Big Brother" in your case)
and if you plan on nursing this one really helped me prepare Sophia.
I'm glad you asked, Gena! Lots of good advice from these experienced mommas. I'm making notes.
Someone once told me that we don't have to be perfect mothers. We don't have to meet everyone's needs perfectly all the time, that's impossible to do. We just have to meet their needs adequately and generally do the best we can, when we can. Love will help make up the difference.
This is a great thread! And even though I'm not quote as close to delivering yet, I've had these worries and "mommy guilt" for some time now. I also feel guilty not only that C won't get the same attention she's used to now, but also that I won't be able to give DD2 the same attention Carley received. This mommy guilt is vicious!! LOL
Everyone had some really great advice though, and pretty soon I'll be asking you how you did it
Can't believe Little Miss is going to be here soon!!! How exciting 
I felt like that too, but for us it was the furthest thing from the truth in the beginning.
When Adrianna was a newborn, she slept all day, so Nicky actually got just as much attention as he did before. Actually, he got more. My husband took the whole week off when we brought her home and took him out every single day for lunch, the park, errands, etc. He probably got more time alone with daddy than he ever had before.
Also, we bought a whole bunch of gifts for him ahead of time....things that would keep him occupied when we were busy with the new baby, like a few new DVDs, some arts and craft projects, books, puzzles, a new train set, etc. We gave him one gift every day for a week. We would tuck them under Adrianna's arm while she was swinging in the swing or next to her in the bassinet and tell him "Look! She has another big brother gift for you!" He really thought she was the one buying them for him. LOL.
Lastly, I didn't want to distrupt his daily routine, so I made sure to line up a bunch of playdates and activities every week, so he wouldn't feel like his life had changed too much.. My poor daughter has eaten and napped on the go every day since she was 6 days old, just so my son wouldn't feel like he had taken a back burner. Other than being fed and changed, she got hardly any attention when she was a newborn....so different than when I had Nicky and I spent my whole day cooing at him and carrying him around.
By the time she was more alert and needed more attention, he had gotten used to her and he knew that having her around wouldn't mean less attention for him. There are times when I have to tend to one of them and the other one is calling for me or demanding my attention and unfortunately its usually Nicky that has to wait because he is the one that can verbally understand me when I tell him that I will be with him in one minute after I finish what I am doing, but I have to say that my fears before she was born were a lot more stressful than the reality. Try not to feel guilty, everything will be fine.
I'm adding in another thread because I just re-read my post and realize that it sounds like my daughter is neglected and ignored. LOL. When she was first born, I tried not to over do it during the day because I didn't want Nicky to feel jealous, so the night time was our bonding time. I used the time after he went to bed and the middle of the night feedings to shower her with affection.
Also, I put Nicky into preschool 5 days a week for a half day each day. It's great for him because he has an activity and kids to play with every day and I get a few hours alone with Adrianna every day.
I'm new on this board as I'm just moving to the are but I thouhgt I'd weigh in.
I felt like this before DD#2 was born and expected to feel like that after she was here. Unexpectedly though I feel bad for DD#1 in a different way, I feel bad that she didnt have an older sibling when she was a baby! It's (corny alert) almost magical watching my 2 girls together! Of course there are a few jealousy issues but for the most part DD#1 loves her sister and DD#2 loves her sister more than anyone in the world. Her first smile and first laugh were both for her big sister. DD#2 is just amazed and obsessed with staring at DD#1 and it's so neat to watch this little relationship that they already have.
I dont feel like DD#2 takes away from DD#1 in the least but instead has added so much to her life. And DD#2 is so lucky to have the opportunity to have an older sibling. As DD#2 is becoming mobile, they can play together more and it's just great. I cant imagine DD#1 not having a sibling!