MH is really freaked by IVF

pinksandbermuda · January 2011

So... spent most of the day crying yesterday. Not typically a cryer.

We just decided that we would do the most aggressive route, as recommended by my RE. He also suggested IUI but it seemed like it would be less successful and I didn't want to waste time with it. Since the diagnosis (double uterus- only 1 good) we have both gone back and forth about it. At first I wanted the least aggresive route, but I have changed my mind.

I had a talk with the nurse at my RE, as well as the insurance co. about what would be involved time and money wise. I guess MH wasn't really paying attention to me when I told him what IVF is. Which I did more than once. He is totally freaked by it, says its unatural and like a science project. He doesn't want to do it, except as a last resort, and maybe not even then. Before he said ultimately we should do whatever the RE recommends. And then I think he must have tuned out to what that actually entailed.

So, I'm puzzled. Maybe he needs some time to think about it. But I thought he already had! He is a devout Catholic, which may be playing a part here. The irony is that if we go "all natural" like he would prefer, and I get pregnant on the evil twin side, the pregnancy would have to be terminated (it would be like having an ectopic pregnancy). So, how is that better??

Anyone's husband against IVF at first and then come around?

MrsVo · January 2011

Oh goodness. I do not have any advice except to maybe give him some time to process it some more. {{{hugs}}} I'm sorry you are having to deal with this.

ChicagoWeded2007 · January 2011

Sorry, we haven't gone the route of IVF yet, so I don't have much to help. But I am Catholic and the thought of creating extra embryos and freezing them really freaks me out. But someone on the PAIF board told me about limited fertilization, where they only do a few eggs or something to make sure that you don't have any left over that have to be frozen. If we have to do IVF, we will definitely try that route first. Good luck! You can try paging the PAIF page to see if anyone else has done limited fertilization.

pinksandbermuda · January 2011

ChicagoWeded2007:

Sorry, we haven't gone the route of IVF yet, so I don't have much to help. But I am Catholic and the thought of creating extra embryos and freezing them really freaks me out. But someone on the PAIF board told me about limited fertilization, where they only do a few eggs or something to make sure that you don't have any left over that have to be frozen. If we have to do IVF, we will definitely try that route first. Good luck! You can try paging the PAIF page to see if anyone else has done limited fertilization.

Thanks ChicagoWed- I hadn't heard of that. Maybe it would be a little more palatable to him.

tst1998 · January 2011

IVF hasn't come up as the best option for us (yet) so I can't speak to whether DH will come around. But we've had these talks every step of the way. He was ok with testing, but when we were told our diagnosis was "unexplained" he didn't want to do anything. So we didn't, for awhile until I needed to do something, and after talking about our options (Clomid + IUI at this point) he came around. I've tried to get a sense as to what he would be willing to do, and as far as our discussions regarding IVF, he's in the same place your DH is. He is very opposed to any "unnecessary" medical intervention and feels that is too much like "playing God". He's never been to the RE with me, so he's never had the discussion of options with anyone other than me. And I am, to say the least, a bit emotional when it comes to this. I'm hoping if we hit an impasse, hearing the recommendations from the doctor will help. So if YH has only been hearing recommendations from you, maybe it would help for him to talk with the doctor?

That's such a hard situation. I'm so sorry you are going through this.

tosh24 · January 2011

I'm sorry that you're going through this. It is such a pit-in-your-stomach/heart-wrenching/sad/angry feeling not seeing eye-to-eye with DH on treatment options - I'm in that boat as well (RE has recommended IUI but DH won't do it so we're sticking with TI). It's really frustrating because I would saw off my right arm to have a baby in my ute.

I've found that if I bring it up too much, especially when DH isn't in the TTC mindset, the talk doesn't end well. We have a more meaningful conversation when we actually sit down and make time to talk about things. I posed a couple of scenarios to him about "what if I got cancer and needed treatment?" or "what if I got into a car accident and was on life support?" to help him sort out his feelings on science vs. nature. He has no problems with the other life and death decisions, so why is TTC an issue for him? He looked really puzzled and I know that the comparisons struck a chord with him.

As for being Catholic, I was raised Roman Catholic and have never heard of the Church having an issue with ART, unless we're talking about cloning embyos or selective reduction. My friend works for the Catholic School Board and had to do IVF for her first child. The school board's insurance covered IVF treatments up to $10,000 and deposited the money into her account the next day. I'd maybe do a little more research on if and how exactly IVF conflicts with Roman Catholic doctrine. Good luck

magnolia_femme · January 2011

I'm sorry you're going through this. MH was/is the same way, although not due to Catholicism or religious beliefs. He believes that we could conceive on our own "if we're meant to" and is suspicious of the medical industry in general...thinks they're out for money, etc. Not like he's a crazy anti-doctor guy or whatever, but he is suspicious. I think what finally hit it for him was realizing that he wanted to have a child, and that he'd do what it takes to get one.

Another reason he was against IVF at first was because he thought that the IVF babies ran a higher risk of birth defects, despite statistics to the contrary. At the end of the day, we did IVF and if we have to we will do it again, so I guess those beliefs weren't that deeply held in the first place.

I am Catholic, and I struggled with what the church says about IVF too. Sometimes I feel guilty praying for it to work for that reason, but like I said we still do IVF and I still pray for it to work every day. IT's such a personal choice, though, like everything related to IF. I hope you and YH can find some middle ground and come to a decision you can both be happy with. Good luck and (((hugs)))

ChicagoWeded2007 · January 2011

tosh24:

I'm sorry that you're going through this. It is such a pit-in-your-stomach/heart-wrenching/sad/angry feeling not seeing eye-to-eye with DH on treatment options - I'm in that boat as well (RE has recommended IUI but DH won't do it so we're sticking with TI). It's really frustrating because I would saw off my right arm to have a baby in my ute.

I've found that if I bring it up too much, especially when DH isn't in the TTC mindset, the talk doesn't end well. We have a more meaningful conversation when we actually sit down and make time to talk about things. I posed a couple of scenarios to him about "what if I got cancer and needed treatment?" or "what if I got into a car accident and was on life support?" to help him sort out his feelings on science vs. nature. He has no problems with the other life and death decisions, so why is TTC an issue for him? He looked really puzzled and I know that the comparisons struck a chord with him.

As for being Catholic, I was raised Roman Catholic and have never heard of the Church having an issue with ART, unless we're talking about cloning embyos or selective reduction. My friend works for the Catholic School Board and had to do IVF for her first child. The school board's insurance covered IVF treatments up to $10,000 and deposited the money into her account the next day. I'd maybe do a little more research on if and how exactly IVF conflicts with Roman Catholic doctrine. Good luck

Wow, that's really interesting that her church paid for her IVF, but as far as I know the church is against everything. Even an IUI (because it involves masturbating into a cup) is not approved. I also found yesterday that the church is against adopting frozen embryos. I was really surprised because it would seem like stopping them from being thrown away or experimented on.

ChicagoWeded2007 · January 2011

https://www.catholicinsight.com/online/church/vatican/article_475.shtml

well, don't read that unless you want to get a little pissed off.

IUI is still okay I think as long as you use a condom collector to get the sperm instead of masturbating into a cup.

pinksandbermuda · January 2011

Thanks everyone for your responses. It seems like one day he is gung ho for whatever, and then the next he pulls back a bit. I am already emotional over this situation, and this is not helping. I was relieved that we had a plan going forward, and now I have to settle for what in my mind is "second best."

I will talk to him about the religious aspect, maybe I am jumping to conclusions. I am just trying to understand his reaction, it seemed to come out of nowhere.

Also his attitude is more like, well if it doesn't happen we'll just get dogs, travel the world and enjoy life. He is fine either way and doesn't understand why I get upset about it. Although I seem to read that alot on here and I guess is typical for guys. Thanks for letting me vent!

tosh24 · January 2011

ChicagoWeded2007:

https://www.catholicinsight.com/online/church/vatican/article_475.shtml

well, don't read that unless you want to get a little pissed off.

IUI is still okay I think as long as you use a condom collector to get the sperm instead of masturbating into a cup.

Hmm....strange. I have no idea why the churches/school board in my area don't have a huge issue with it??? I do live in a very liberal area, but I wouldn't think that that would have much to do with it. I'm stumped!

MrsVo · January 2011

pinksandbermuda:

Also his attitude is more like, well if it doesn't happen we'll just get dogs, travel the world and enjoy life. He is fine either way and doesn't understand why I get upset about it. Although I seem to read that alot on here and I guess is typical for guys. Thanks for letting me vent!

My husband was the exact same way. I finally just had to sit him down and explain to him that not being a mother was not acceptable to me. Either we would do what it takes to get this done with our genetic material or we need to look into adoption. Sometimes you just have to break it down for them. They aren't wired the way we are and often don't understand how we feel until we spell it out.

pinksandbermuda · January 2011

ChicagoWeded2007:

https://www.catholicinsight.com/online/church/vatican/article_475.shtml

well, don't read that unless you want to get a little pissed off.

IUI is still okay I think as long as you use a condom collector to get the sperm instead of masturbating into a cup.

Oh boy- I hadn't seen your response before I posted my other response. That is what I was afraid of. Would it be wrong to keep that article far far away from him? Devil

Kidding, I really do respect his beliefs and don't want to do anything that would make him feel like he would be violating them. I hope he can have an open mind about it.

Well, this is going to open a whole can of worms with the inlaws. *sweating*

STL34 · January 2011

I think you should find out YH's true concerns. If they are based on his Catholic beliefs, there are very few options with ART that are okay with the Catholic church. For example according to the Catholic directives, IUIs are not okay (unless the semen sample is obtained by using a perforated condom during natural intercourse and even then there are concerns and may or may not be considered appropriate depending on your reading of the directives) and neither is the use of any form of birth control (including condoms or BCPs) other than natural family planning (avoiding peak fertility times or pull and pray type methods). Many Catholics are okay with some of these but not others. I am not Catholic, but I work with some Catholic health care providers so I am pretty familiar with the Catholic directives.

If you want to stay in compliance with the Catholic directives, you may want to seek out a NaPro Technology provider. I have seen one or two ladies on IF that have used this. But, I'm not really sure what they do other than it is supposed to be in compliance with the Catholic directives. And, they may not really be able to help you especially if IVF is the best approach (they don't do it).

I had a hard time deciding to go with IVF. But, I want children and I don't have many alternatives. MH and I discussed it. What I really couldn't do is "destroy" embryos. For me, I don't make many eggs. We had one frozen embryo after IVF #1 and we used it during IVF #2. But, many women don't have embryos that make it to the point of freezing. Many stop developing and basically just die. If you consider limited fertilization, I would at least see if your clinic has success and the ability to freeze eggs and then fertilize them later. My clinic did. If I had been a good responder, we may have asked to freeze some before fertilization. However, I don't think I could go through the entire IVF process and just throw out perfectly good eggs. It is a lot to go through and very expensive. Before doing that, I would look into mini-IVF. The success rates aren't as great as traditional IVF (primarily because you are only having a few eggs retrieved) but it usually is less expensive and doesn't require as many drugs.

ChicagoWeded2007 · January 2011

pinksandbermuda:
ChicagoWeded2007:

https://www.catholicinsight.com/online/church/vatican/article_475.shtml

well, don't read that unless you want to get a little pissed off.

IUI is still okay I think as long as you use a condom collector to get the sperm instead of masturbating into a cup.

Oh boy- I hadn't seen your response before I posted my other response. That is what I was afraid of. Would it be wrong to keep that article far far away from him?

Kidding, I really do respect his beliefs and don't want to do anything that would make him feel like he would be violating them. I hope he can have an open mind about it.

Well, this is going to open a whole can of worms with the inlaws. *sweating*

I know, I am so struggling with it myself. I don't know what to do about it. On the one hand, I am Catholic and I really try to do everything the church says. On the other hand, their arguments against ART really don't make too much sense. What difference does it make if you get a little help. Why does a baby have to be conceived only through a sex act? It's not like we haven't tried that already.

pinksandbermuda · January 2011

Well my internet went out, so I took a nice walk in the sunshine, got myself a chocolate ice cream, and paid a stupid amount of money for some american gossip magazines.

Pity party over! I feel alot better and am in a better mindspace to talk with MH. I don't want to speculate too much on what he is feeling, and get all worked up. Thanks for the input, I don't have anyone here to go have coffee with or whatever to hash this out! We haven't told our families yet, and only my best friend knows.

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