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3rd Trimester
I mean, honestly?! Kind of long - but I could use some opinions! (NBR)
My grandparents will be celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary the first weekend of April in Virginia. DH and I live in Kansas City, Missouri - 20 hours away from the location they plan to celebrate at. They're trying to get the entire family together to celebrate and have offered to foot the bill for hotel rooms for two nights. While we are grateful for the gesture, DH and I don't think traveling that far, with a child who will only be a little more than 6 weeks old (our EDD is 2/25), is a good idea.
I respectfully declined the invitation for the weekend and explained that DH and I would be looking at about a 25 hour drive by the time we factored in stops to breastfeed and that we didn't think it was fair to Charlotte to keep her strapped up in a car seat for that amount of time. This was the response I got:
You will never have an easier time traveling with a little one than this time. Breast feeding helps make that a 'no brainer.' No formula. Stop and feed baby whenever you want to nurse. Babies at first are used to being kind of 'folded up' and in the fetal posistion I think. She will stay put in the infant seat. If she starts to really cry in earnest, you stop and soothe her. Babies at that age are usually good travelers. It's when they are earlier, used to getting up and running around, bored without their toys, and so forth. Charlotte won't have reached that stage/age yet.
You have to be joking, right?! Who, in their right mind, would think that is a good idea? Or fair to the child?!
This was my reply:
We really appreciate the fact that you guys want us to be there, and would love to have the opportunity to see everyone it's just not going to work out. The drive, without stopping, is 20 hours. Once you factor in that a newborn needs to be fed every two to three hours for about twenty to thirty minutes (and considering the fact that we would be stopping to feed her) we'd be looking at more than an entire days worth of driving, if we drove non-stop. Even though infants are used to be compacted in small spaces, we also don't think it's fair to Charlotte to contain her in a car seat for that long.
Am I being unreasonable?! I kind of feel like it's being made to seem like I'm trying to get out of going when, really, I'm just looking out for the best interest of my future child. Thoughts?!
This discussion has been closed.
Re: I mean, honestly?! Kind of long - but I could use some opinions! (NBR)
Avery - March 16, 2011
Things to avoid during pregnancy: Eye contact with cats. Cats will suck the burgeoning life right out of you, using their infamous feline mind-powers. Avert your eyes, and move along.
FACT: 1 in 10 people are said to be a carrier of Listeria. Therefore you should avoid all shopping malls, grocery stores and busy street corners for the duration of your pregnancy. Or microwave anyone you contact until steaming, just to be safe.
We traveled to my in-laws a week after Livy was born for my DH's grandfather's funeral. It's only 3 hours away, but if I could go back...there's no way I'd do it again. Livy hated the car seat and screamed non-stop. The trip took us 6 1/2 hours because of stopping for her. I was miserable, tired and sore. Also, I was learning to bf (and still was at 6 wks!) and it was awkward.
Honestly, don't do it. You are making the right choice for your family and it's rude that they aren't accepting of your choice.
First off, in no way are you being unreasonable.
Secondly - it's their wedding anniversary, why does the whole family HAVE to be there anyway?
Thirdly, I don't know a single person that thinks that traveling that far with a newborn is a good idea.
I'd be so pissed I probably wouldn't have even responded because what they wrote is really kind of offensive ... Or I'd have written that to me it's a 'no brainer' that your kid simply won't travel for 20+ hours in the car. Howgh. The end.
20 hours is a little much. If it was 10 or less I would say suck it up. It really is easiest to travel with a newborn but I myself would go crazy trapped int he car for that long.
Besides flying would someone be willing to foot the bill for extra hotels so you can split the ride into two shorter trips each (yes it will take more days this way but is more manageable car wise).
I have a very similar situation but with a shorter car ride (15hours non stop) and an older baby (around 2.5 months) and I am generally thinking no. I don't want to agree to go, then once LO is here realize that they don't like the car seat, which some babies don't! Or that they need to be held, or that I am having issues with BFing and be stuck in the car for a solid day for it. Plus you don't know how you will be feeling so soon after giving birth. They are crazy to think its ok to pressure you to go. I told DH that I wouldn't consider it until after the baby is born.
If I knew that flying was an option I would go. However, my 'visits' taking LO to see family would be limited and I'd have tons of hand sanitizer on hand. Travelling with a newborn is one thing, travelling with a newborn knowing you're going to see tons of people who will want to hold the baby is another. I would be super hesitant to openly subject LO to whatever germs are out there.
Does your family expect you to pass LO around to everyone, provided you decide on alternate transportation to go there? The travel wouldn't bother me so much as it would people who would no doubt expect me to hand over my baby for them hold, smooch on and cuddle with. That makes me nervous.
Yes, traveling with a baby is easier then a toddler or child but IMO 6 weeks old is way to young to be driving 20 hours. I also think 6 weeks is way to young to fly. They don't have all their shots yet and there are lots of germs on planes. Also, my pedi recommended not having my newborn in large crowds until after 8 weeks which is when they'll have all their major shots.
My vote is to NOT go. I think it's a terrible idea.
We planned on an 8 hour car trip when DD was 8 weeks old. It turned in to a 14 hour trip. Never again.
You're not being unreasonable. I wouldn't travel that far with a baby that young either. Your baby might not come for a week or two after your due date and then you would have a 5 or even 4 week old. Not to mention if you have a difficult delivery, you might still be recovering.
Once they are 2+ months it is a really nice age to travel with though. Maybe you can go visit your grandparents once she's older?
Geesh. I'm trying to decide whether we should still rent a cottage that's an hour away from our house. Baby will be 5 weeks old at the time. A 20 hour drive? HELL NO.
I think you are being completely reasonable and your reply was well worded. Don't stress. You're making the right decision
There is no way that I would travel that far with a newborn! YIKES... We were thinking of travelling 3 hours to Detroit when the baby is 2 months old, and I am nervous about that.
How long would a flight be? I am guessing close to 4 hours or so right? I guess if you would really want to go, maybe look into that option.
They will have had ONE does of their major shots. That doesn't = immunity yet.
We drove 10 hours with DD at 4 weeks and flew with her at 2 months (right before her shots).
OP: I'm not suggeting you should do it. I don't think I would do a 20 hour car trip EVER, haha. I'm just responding to other comments.
You are not being unreasonable at all. 20 hours is a long way for them to expect you to come especially with your LO. I completely understand where you are coming from and as much as I would want to be with my family I would pass too. If they were closer it would be one thing but 20 hours. That is way too much!
You are not being unreasonable. You don't know if you will go early/late, or if there will be any complications that would mean that the LO shouldn't travel...let alone be around massive amounts of people who will probably not think twice about trying to hold LO while they are sick. I'm used to 10-12 hour drives to see my grandparents, and plan to once LO is about 7 or 8 weeks old, but 20 hours is just out of the question. That's a hard drive for two healthy adults, let alone one adult, one recovering from giving birth, and a newborn. Don't feel bad about not going. You've got to put the health and comfort of your family first.
This, exactly.
When DD was 3 months old, we took a trip that normal takes 8 hours. It took us 14 hours. And she was really well-behaved - no crying fits at all. We stopped every 2 hours for BF'ing - each stop took at least 30-45 minutes between nursing, changing her diaper, stretching my legs, rounding the rest of my family up (we traveled along the coast of Lake Michigan, so they at least had nice scenery to get out and enjoy!), and getting everyone buckled back in and on the way. Like, I had no idea how long each stop would actually take.
It's tempting to go because at 6 weeks old, they are sleeping SO much of the time... but they are also completely unpredictable and there's no way to predict what the trip might be like.
If it were under 10 hours, I'd think hard about it, but 20+ hours - no way.
And whoever sent that letter (your mom? grandma?) is awful for sending you that response. She is not your child's mother and it is not her decision to make. Based on what little I know about her, I think you've done yourself a HUGE favor by taking a stand NOW. She seems like the type who would guilt/persuade/force you into things, and you're sending the right message by telling her that your family choices are not hers to make. Good for you!
I'm in total agreement with everyone else but coming from a different perspective. Forget the baby, I wouldn't drive 20 hours. DH & I did a 14 drive from MA to PEI 2 years ago. I did the first shift (10-12 hours) through the night since he had worked that day and I didn't. I was so exhausted, I didn't even care that we arrived.
With a baby that age, you will be sleep-deprived to begin with. I don't know about you, but I don't sleep fantastic in a car to begin with. Add the # of stops & possibility of baby not being content (hating carseat, colicky) and that trip is guaranteed to be miserable.
Tell them you'd love to visit when the baby is older and YOU decide it's a good time. Also, they will be able to spend more time with LO 1 on 1 (or whatever) since the entire family won't be there.
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