Coming out of the closet (mindless rant)

Tapatio · January 2011

A few days ago I found a link to the Face 2 Face support group through itsmegin's siggy. I've seriously considered joining the group and have been in contact with the group leader. I really believe I would benefit from meeting up with other women who have experienced a loss(es).

However, I'm having a hard time accepting being "open" about it. I want to keep it a secret. If we meet up once a month, who will know? No one! Problem is...there is apart of me that wants to come out of the closet! I was tempted to "like" the F2F support group on my FB page but then I thought about it and realized I couldn't go through with it. I don't think I'm ready for the questions people might ask. Then I think that's exactly why miscarriages have such a stigma to it! People don't talk about!

I guess I'm battling with myself and trying to work up the courage to "out" myself. I have 3 angels in heaven and yet only a handful of people know. I'm wallowing in grief and I'm all alone IRL. I have to change this! Even joining TTCAL was a HUGE step for me. I'm happy I did it though...I'm so grateful for this board and all of you ladies

Do any of you ladies feel this way? Or are you completely open about your losses?

Mindless rant done....thanks for reading

Nicks10 · January 2011

I feel exactly the same way.

fwiw, I "liked" the Faces of Loss Campaign in October, and I don't think anyone noticed, or if they did no one has said anything to me about it or commented on it.

I wish I was more open, but I'm always hesitant too. I did tell DH though that if people ask me how long we've been trying, that I'm being honest and telling them the truth, because to say since Jan ignores all we went through before that, and to say since August doesn't feel correct either.

LifeInANutshell · January 2011

I'm currently dealing with the same battle.

There are times when I just want to tell the facebook world about my loss. But then I start thinking and I'm curious if I want my loss to be something that I profess to the world. Would it label me or would it help me? And why did I even choose to use the term label... just feels wrong of myself to say that I don't want to be labeled as losing my child because that's exactly what happened. Losing my child has become part of my definition...

As you can see, I'm confused too. I also have to add that I never even announced my pregnancy on facebook. I was waiting until after I knew the sex... the same appointment where we found out she was dying.

HOWEVER - I do talk about my loss with everyone I see in person and with family/friends outside of things like facebook. So I'm thinking that maybe I just want to keep some stuff personal?

lotus88 · January 2011

I know exactly what you mean. There are times when I feel so strongly about the experience - whether it's anger, sadness, being annoyed by ppl - that I just want to be open on FB about how I'm feeling. Sometimes I'm so proud of us supporting each other, and so greatful for the support/resources you all have been that I want to "like" the TTCAL blog on FB. I don't honestly want to go there with mindless idiots who I should probably never have accepted their requests anyway. That's my problem. And at work sometimes I want to be more open, but it would spread like wildfire if it went beyond my close friends here. Again, I don't want to deal with people's comments/questions/misguided support. I think the IRL group would be good for you. I think that face to face validation of your feelings and networking can only help you.

Also, on a related note. My plan before I got pg was to not tell people until we were 3 months along. Well that didn't happen because I could hardly contain myself. So I ended up changing that to "anybody that I would feel comfortable knowing that I had a m/c, can know that I'm pg." Now a friend of mine thinks she will wait, which is her perogative. However, if I hadn't shared the pg with people, then I wouldn' thave had all the IRL support that I did. And having to tell those close to me, wasn't at all traumatic, least not compared to the actual m/c. My point is that even though the ones close to me don't understand, their support was helpful. You have us, but don't let yourself emotionally isolate if you're starting to feel like your ready to share.

((hugs))

Izabella22 · January 2011

The sad part of it is that I think I would be more comfortable talking to a bunch of strangers than people I know. Its totally effed up, I tried to tell a friend from work last night when we went out for drinks, she's having IF troubles and I feel like I could share with her and we could commiserate about how frustrated we are but I totally backed out. I feel like such a chickensh!t, but my tongue gets all tied up. I want to be open like you say but I'm just scared and don't want to deal with any more stupid comments. So I'm totally with you, I know I should help break down the stigma but yeah...

vitan · January 2011

I can see you why you hesitate to "like" it on facebook because then everyone on your list would know, right? I am very facebook stupid because I am not on facebook. So I am with you on that. However, I think that you should pray (forgive me if you're not very religious but with the heaven reference, I'm assuming you are) to give you strength to attend these meetings. This is a heavy burden to carry on your own IRL. I understand the board is VERY helpful but it's part of the greiving process. How much better is it to have that hug from someone in real life who's been there? I think it would help. Someone on this board or maybe the m/c p/l board said it helped them a lot to talk about it. I think it would be best to talk to others who have been there face-to-face.

It will take some time and prayers (I'll keep you in mine) but I think you'll find that extra pep in your step to go to those meetings. Wishing you the best!

itsmegin · January 2011

I have and continue to be open about it. It opens you up for hurtful comments but that is the only downside I have found. I love being able to talk about it, to connect with others, and to be real with people. I don't want to act like everything is fine when I'm dying inside, or be expected to be happy when I'm hurting. Being open has been best for me, but I understand wanting to keep things private.

I would consider going to F2F (I'll go with you!), you're most likely not going to run into anyone you know, so it won't really out you, and if you don't enjoy it, you don't have to keep going.

KaitySueWho · January 2011

Izabella22:
The sad part of it is that I think I would be more comfortable talking to a bunch of strangers than people I know. Its totally effed up, I tried to tell a friend from work last night when we went out for drinks, she's having IF troubles and I feel like I could share with her and we could commiserate about how frustrated we are but I totally backed out. I feel like such a chickensh!t, but my tongue gets all tied up. I want to be open like you say but I'm just scared and don't want to deal with any more stupid comments. So I'm totally with you, I know I should help break down the stigma but yeah...

this.. I think part of my hesitation to tell anyone is because I feel like it will reflect on me as me being a failure.. I know there was nothing I could do but I still feel like my body failed..

jinx75 · January 2011

itsmegin:

I have and continue to be open about it. It opens you up for hurtful comments but that is the only downside I have found. I love being able to talk about it, to connect with others, and to be real with people. I don't want to act like everything is fine when I'm dying inside, or be expected to be happy when I'm hurting. Being open has been best for me, but I understand wanting to keep things private.

I would consider going to F2F (I'll go with you!), you're most likely not going to run into anyone you know, so it won't really out you, and if you don't enjoy it, you don't have to keep going.

I am also very open about my losses, like Ginger I get jacka$$ comments but it helps me to talk about how I am feeling. Also I have noticed that when I open up and talk to women IRL they feel comfortable telling me about their experiences with m/c. In just the last week I have had two coworkers open up to me about their losses. One has had 5 m/c's and the other has had 2. It gives me hope as they both went on to have successful pregnancies. You have to do what you're comfortable with though. I will keep you in my T&Ps as you make your decision.

Tapatio · January 2011

LifeInANutshell:

I'm currently dealing with the same battle.

There are times when I just want to tell the facebook world about my loss. But then I start thinking and I'm curious if I want my loss to be something that I profess to the world. Would it label me or would it help me? And why did I even choose to use the term label... just feels wrong of myself to say that I don't want to be labeled as losing my child because that's exactly what happened. Losing my child has become part of my definition...

This is the million dollar question for me too. My losses have molded who I am today and it's solidified my desire to be a mother. I want to have children of my own now more than ever. I'm afraid my losses will be gossip and mindless chit chat for others. And as Izabella22 pointed out...I also don't want to open myself up to insensitive comments. I've gotten enough of that with my family and bff.

Tapatio · January 2011

this.. I think part of my hesitation to tell anyone is because I feel like it will reflect on me as me being a failure.. I know there was nothing I could do but I still feel like my body failed..

I'm also afraid of being labeled this way.

LifeInANutshell · January 2011

Its not like I'm afraid of being labeled a failure... none of us are failures btw... but I just don't know if loss is the kind of thing that I want to throw out onto my Facebook page right next to my "like" of Vin Diesel & Outback Steakhouse.

I do however talk about it with people when I can, be they strangers or friends/family. I agree that its easier to talk with strangers --- which is odd but true.

I do wish at times that I was more like itsmegin in the aspect that if I opened myself up to the world that the world would open back up to me. But I think I sorta already do that in my closer circle... just not on facebook.

iggy.d · January 2011

Angeleyes5604:
Izabella22:
The sad part of it is that I think I would be more comfortable talking to a bunch of strangers than people I know. Its totally effed up, I tried to tell a friend from work last night when we went out for drinks, she's having IF troubles and I feel like I could share with her and we could commiserate about how frustrated we are but I totally backed out. I feel like such a chickensh!t, but my tongue gets all tied up. I want to be open like you say but I'm just scared and don't want to deal with any more stupid comments. So I'm totally with you, I know I should help break down the stigma but yeah...

this.. I think part of my hesitation to tell anyone is because I feel like it will reflect on me as me being a failure.. I know there was nothing I could do but I still feel like my body failed..

This for me too. I feel broken sometimes, especially now that i lost a tube and ovary. I feel like, if I tell people about my loss and how devastated I was, people will know how badly i want a child. And if they know how much I do and it DOESN'T happen I don't want anyone to know I failed at what I want most.

mizdiz444 · January 2011

After my first one, I didn't want anyone to know and my mom told EVERYONE. I was so mad. I didn't talk about it at all. After the second one, I've been very open about it and it's almost freeing to tell people IRL. I don't go out and just tell people that I had m/c's, but if it comes up, I have no problem saying it. I had my FB profile pic the Faces of Loss logo for a while. I never say right out that I had m/c's on there but it is pretty obvious if anyone is paying attention to my FB. I really wish there was a Face 2 Face group in my area. There's only one in Southern IL. I'd totally do it otherwise.

Oatoa · January 2011

When I first found out I had a m/c, I told as many people as possible. It upset me that it was this stigma I shouldn't talk about because it makes others feel uncomfortable. I found that the more I talked about it the better I felt.

Now three months later, I feel less inclined to tell people about what happened. A lot of my friends are pg or are TTC. I haven't told these people we m/c because I don't want to add to an already stressful time. Also, it seems that I am getting far enough away from it happening that people now believe its okay to tell me its time to move on. They just don't understand that its not something you "get over". M/c isn't just something you forget or you can be cured of like the flu.

StaceyM06 · January 2011

I think you should do what is best for you. If you're not emotionally ready, then maybe don't force yourself to join the group and think about it a bit longer. Maybe start small when you are ready - tell a close friend before joining a larger support group.

We decided what was best for us is to tell our parents and close friends. This is also only a handful of people. I personally (DH decided to not do this) also decided to tell acquaintances and strangers that I've had losses when they ask stupid unsolicited questions like, "when will you have kids/get pregnant?" I don't believe in lying to make people feel comfortable when they ask such a personal question. Perhaps they will think twice before asking that question of someone else. Sure, I get responses like, "well, it'll happen when the time is right" and I tend to respond back with things like, "the time was great for us. There may be other factors to our losses" and the conversation normally ends there unless they have had losses or know someone who has.

myaddiwaddi06 · January 2011

This is a hard decision and if you aren't ready today it's okay. You may be ready one day. It seems as though you are taking steps in the right direction. You joined this sight, you have been in touch with the leader of face 2 face. FB is a different kind of monster. I posted one thing about missing my angel baby a few weeks back and not one comment from anyone. I don't know if they were uncomfortable or what but no one said anything. I think I worry more what people will say because they don't have filters and say the craziest things. And that brings me more pain.

I guess what I am trying to say is as you already know ladies that have been through it completely get it. Those that haven't they may be on your FB may not. I am proud of my angel baby and I want the world to know just as you do. You said a handful of people close to you know, do you talk to them about it or do they just know? Talking to them about it might be a great start.

I hate that we feel the need to keep it all in. This isn't fair. There definately is not enough awareness.

BIG HUGS!!!

Kristipie · January 2011

iggy.d:
[ This for me too. I feel broken sometimes, especially now that i lost a tube and ovary. I feel like, if I tell people about my loss and how devastated I was, people will know how badly i want a child. And if they know how much I do and it DOESN'T happen I don't want anyone to know I failed at what I want most.

This.

I've told a small handful of people IRL and some have been amazing and some have been jerks. Unfortunately there are very few that I've talked to that have had miscarriages themselves - it's more been "so and so had one or two or three before their baby". There are days when I want to put it on facebook and be brave enough to handle all of the comments good and bad, but I don't know how I would handle it if people started pitying me for not being able to keep a pregnancy or get pregnant again.

anonomity · January 2011

You are definitely not alone! I feel the same way and wrestle with the same feelings about wanting to be open about my losses and lessen the stigma, but then I'm afraid to actually do it. I think I am more afraid of being hurt by people's ignorance and insensitivity regarding miscarriage than actually being afraid of everyone knowing, if that makes sense. DH and I have gradually started telling more people about our losses, and thankfully the majority have been supportive. Maybe some day I will be brave enough to fully out myself, but not yet.

hopefulelise · January 2011

I have no problem talking about it to people, even strangers! For some reason, putting it on FB was way harder for me! Don't know why. I put up one of those "I am 1 in 4" awareness posts in my status. I think it was hard because I didn't elaborate on my story, and I was afraid people wouldn't understand.

I say go for it. If you think it will help you heal, by all means go for it.

tmhdmh · January 2011

i understand how you feel tapatio. i'm okay talking to people i don't know about my lossess, but for some reason i dont want to talk about it with my friends and family.

i think its because everyone knew how badly DH and I wanted to start a family right away, but that wasn't God plan for us. i dont want to hear their comments and solutions. everyone knows about our first loss, but not the second and i want to keep it that way for now.

maybe i'm ashamed or embarrassed for a reason that i havent figured out yet. i'm terribly sad and depressed about both of our losses, but i have to keep my head up bc I wont give up.

maybe you aren't ready to come out yet. dont force anything on yourself. maybe you should put F2F on the back burner for now and once you're ready you can join. It will be there when you are ready.

((big hugs))

tmhdmh · January 2011

Angeleyes5604:

Izabella22:
The sad part of it is that I think I would be more comfortable talking to a bunch of strangers than people I know. Its totally effed up, I tried to tell a friend from work last night when we went out for drinks, she's having IF troubles and I feel like I could share with her and we could commiserate about how frustrated we are but I totally backed out. I feel like such a chickensh!t, but my tongue gets all tied up. I want to be open like you say but I'm just scared and don't want to deal with any more stupid comments. So I'm totally with you, I know I should help break down the stigma but yeah...

this.. I think part of my hesitation to tell anyone is because I feel like it will reflect on me as me being a failure.. I know there was nothing I could do but I still feel like my body failed..

this. Sad

tmhdmh · January 2011

Tapatio:
LifeInANutshell:

I'm currently dealing with the same battle.

There are times when I just want to tell the facebook world about my loss. But then I start thinking and I'm curious if I want my loss to be something that I profess to the world. Would it label me or would it help me? And why did I even choose to use the term label... just feels wrong of myself to say that I don't want to be labeled as losing my child because that's exactly what happened. Losing my child has become part of my definition...

This is the million dollar question for me too. My losses have molded who I am today and it's solidified my desire to be a mother. I want to have children of my own now more than ever. I'm afraid my losses will be gossip and mindless chit chat for others. And as Izabella22 pointed out...I also don't want to open myself up to insensitive comments. I've gotten enough of that with my family and bff.

this completely. i don't want people IRL (my friends and family) to talk about me and gossip. and i know they will.

tmhdmh · January 2011

iggy.d:
Angeleyes5604:

Izabella22:
The sad part of it is that I think I would be more comfortable talking to a bunch of strangers than people I know. Its totally effed up, I tried to tell a friend from work last night when we went out for drinks, she's having IF troubles and I feel like I could share with her and we could commiserate about how frustrated we are but I totally backed out. I feel like such a chickensh!t, but my tongue gets all tied up. I want to be open like you say but I'm just scared and don't want to deal with any more stupid comments. So I'm totally with you, I know I should help break down the stigma but yeah...

this.. I think part of my hesitation to tell anyone is because I feel like it will reflect on me as me being a failure.. I know there was nothing I could do but I still feel like my body failed..

This for me too. I feel broken sometimes, especially now that i lost a tube and ovary. I feel like, if I tell people about my loss and how devastated I was, people will know how badly i want a child. And if they know how much I do and it DOESN'T happen I don't want anyone to know I failed at what I want most.

this.

Tapatio · January 2011

myaddiwaddi06:

This is a hard decision and if you aren't ready today it's okay. You may be ready one day. It seems as though you are taking steps in the right direction. You joined this sight, you have been in touch with the leader of face 2 face. FB is a different kind of monster. I posted one thing about missing my angel baby a few weeks back and not one comment from anyone. I don't know if they were uncomfortable or what but no one said anything. I think I worry more what people will say because they don't have filters and say the craziest things. And that brings me more pain.

I guess what I am trying to say is as you already know ladies that have been through it completely get it. Those that haven't they may be on your FB may not. I am proud of my angel baby and I want the world to know just as you do. You said a handful of people close to you know, do you talk to them about it or do they just know? Talking to them about it might be a great start.

I hate that we feel the need to keep it all in. This isn't fair. There definately is not enough awareness.

BIG HUGS!!!

I talk to my SIL and bff on a regular basis about my losses. Both have had losses and neither one, surprisingly, really "gets it." One never really wanted to have kids and the other sees early losses (like mine) as not a not a big deal. So in reality, I feel no real support or understanding by those that do know about my situation.

Eris-Alexis · January 2011

Unfortunately everyone in my life knows about our loss. We (and our immediate families) had a very difficult time keeping our mouths shut. When we lost our babies, it was both a blessing and a curse that everyone knew. I found out afterwards that many friends and family went through their own losses.

I have found that talking to women who have gone through the same thing has been invaluable, particularly if they are not close friends or family. Something about the ability to talk to someone who doesn't have a history with you has been very helpful. I think it might be a benefit to join the support group. Like you said, only you will know and if you choose to "come out" in the future, those women will be able to help.

Good luck!

Tapatio · January 2011

Thanks ladies. I think I'll keep mulling over my choices. I'm thinking the F2F support group just starting up in my area would be great and Ginger (itsmegin) will be going with me

I might work up the courage some day to link my blog and the F2F group to my FB page. Not yet though. I need to be in a better place emotionally.

Thank you all for your support and unput

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