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Single Parents
Does the idea of having more children scare you?
I've been thinking of this lately because I do want more children at some point in time, depending on where life takes me.
I remember before I got pregnant with P I was SO excited to BE pregnant and to have that experience. Then I went through everything with SD and he was so awful during that time. It is a horrible time in my life and I happened to be pregnant, so I equate the two together.
I also think about how rough things were when I first had P and the sleep deprivation and the stress of doing it all on my own (well, with help from my family, of course). It's difficult to think of someday moving on and having more kids and not having those bad memories be dredged back up again. I get angry with him all over again for robbing me of something so very special and planting that seed in my mind.
Just curious where everyone elses' thoughts are at. I wonder if I am a freak of nature for thinking like this, or if it's completely normal. Definitely something I will log some hours with my therapist about when/if that time comes about for me again.
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Re: Does the idea of having more children scare you?
This shop is closed
But that is what I said after my daughter also. Never would I have imaged I would have 2 kids, let alone be a single parent of two.
But then I feel like at 31 I should not be saying that.
I'm excited to have more children someday, however I do have fears. What if I make the same mistake I did in my first marriage? What if I end up divorced for the 2nd time with more children involved? Hopefully I'll have these fears/trust issues sorted out before I say "I do" for the second time, but for right now they're still there.
I was lucky and DS was a very, very easy baby and I had a relatively easy pregnancy. I look forward to being able to (hopefully) experience it again someday. But, I won't lie, part of me is terrified I may not have that opportunity again.
It scares me, but for different reasons. It is hard for me to imagine the dynamic of bringing another man into the picture and having children with him, and not somehow "short-changing" DS. That's not really the right word, but I don't really know how to explain it.
I kind of feel like, if I remarry, and this marriage works and is a great relationship and everything a marriage should be (unlike my last) then DS is going to feel different or left out or something.
I just keep telling myself that if and when the right man does come along, I won't feel that way anymore because it will just all fit.
I too had a horrible experience with SD while pregnant and for a couple months after. But now remarried and Im more afraid of not loving the next as much as DD because of what we've been through together...My H understands and I've gotten feedback from other used to be single moms and they say that you just love them differently with a different bond.
I would love to give LO siblings one day (whether bio or step). But I do worry about being in this type of situation again, or something similar. I'm still trying to handle how I am going to be a single mom to just one child. I can't even begin to think about what life would like having 2 or more children and being a single mom.
I would hope that one day I can be in a stable marriage (relationship) where I will feel comfortable enough to bring a child into the world with that man. But I still feel "iffy". I was with my XH for a long time, and when we married, I never thought we'd end up divorced (he was clean and sober when we became engaged/married).
So yes, there is a fear there, but I do want more children in the future. I just have to do my best to prevent a situation like this ever happening again.
This shop is really, seriously, closed.
Achase, you are still too close to the pain and emotions. You are totally normal for what you are feeling right now. But later when you are in a serious committed relationship and you are ready to have another child everythign will be different.
You will be so far away from this part of your life you will swear it seems as if it happen to someone else. You will have a relationship with a partner who has been thorugh new experiences and new firsts with you. You will have a new first Christmas Together and a new ornament to commemorate it. You will have a new first vacation together, memories of when we first took P to the park and you were trying to sneak a few kisses together while P was busy playing with other kids.
You will have new memories of the first time you were all at the mall and some random stranger tells you what a beautiful family you have and P "looks JUST like his daddy" and they would be referring to your partner.
You will have memories of the first time you nursed him through the Flu or the first time he made you sit down and actually rest b/c you were sick and even though it was pizza he took care of dinner for you and P. and then the next morning he was up w/ P eating cereal and watching cartoons together so you can sleep in.
You will have so many new memories that not only will this be the new first pg together you will be so exicted to want to have a baby and share the new firsts of being pg, and you'll probably go to all the lamaze and baby classes the hospitals offer bc/ you want the new firsts and you want to share them with your new partner.
Sweetie, this made me tear up. Your situation gives me so much hope.
This gave me goosbumps!
Looks like I am in the minority here, but as of right now I am 100% o.k. with not having more kids. I feel like I was blessed to be able to go through everything once, I don't feel like I am missing anything by not doing it again.
THIS Sweetie, was amazing!
I definitely want more kids.
I don't see myself with a man having kids (though I'm sure it's not impossible)...I'm not even sure I see myself having kids in a relationship with a woman (though I would really love that). But I definitely want more kids, and if I could do it soon, I probably would.
My thoughts exactly!!!
I'm verrrrry much on the fence about this. Before X and I split, I wanted a big family--four to six bio kids, plus foster or adopted older kids. X was an only, and didn't understand big families because "how can you have enough love for all of them?" (big.red.flag.anyone?) so he wasn't really keen on the idea of more than one or two (turns out he didn't even want LO, and only "went along with the whole pregnancy thing" because it was better than getting into a fight.
Having only the one LO, I don't know how my love for another one would be different, or stronger, or weaker, or if I would feel closer to the "new" baby because I would have a supportive H involved. I feel so utterly cheated out of a wonderful pregnancy and delivery experience--my labor was forever long, I ended up having an emergency C after wanting to go natural, there was a lot of drama with my OB--that I wonder if I would bond more with a "new" baby because of having a better experience there.
I hope that made sense. Sudafed does not help coherent thought processes.
I'm done having bio children. I'm just not sure if I'll ever trust a man enough to have children with him.
However, I am interested in becoming a foster parent once my children are both school age. I just feel like it would be a waste not to use all the knowledge I've acquired since I became the parent of a sexually abused child so I'm interested in fostering/adopting a child(ren) with those specific needs.
I'm sorry, I'm a lurker. I feel like I have much in common with you ladies, I was a single mom for 3 years. I was in an abusive relationship, DS ended up with Shaken Baby when he was 3 months old. I thought my life was over, this completly ruined anything good that I could have ever thought would happen to me and my DS.
I am now remarried, met my DH when DS was just 13 months old. I have DS, and 2 beautiful girls. I could not have said it better than Sweetie, that is exactly how everything has happened for me.
Liam will always be my one and only child. I would absolutely die if he ever felt like he was being replaced with another "do-over" family. The only reason I feel this way is that my parents divorced when I was 14... both have since remarried. I have tried like crazy to please my step-dad. I fail every time. He treats his real kids like they are better than me in every way. It hurts. I never want my son to feel that way. EVER. I'm not dating... I am scared to. But I am also not selfish about it. I feel like my job now is to be Liam's mom and bring him up the best I can. It's not about me anymore... at least not right now. Again, this is just MY thoughts on it and i don't expect everyone to agree with me.
I think it's wonderful that people like Laurie have found wonderful men to have in their lives and are able to integrate their family so well though!
Makes me think that maybe there is hope.
I really want more kids. I don't think that having more will take away from my love of Rosalie. I grew up an only child and used to BEG my parents to give me a brother or sister. I hated being alone all the time. I just don't want the same for Rosalie. I would like atleast one more or 3 lol.
My biggest concern is the feeling that by the time I get around to giving her a brother or sister she will be to old. I would of loved to have 2 under 2 and stop. However, DB obviously didn't stick around for that.
However, I am still really young. So I think that has a huge factor into it. I have yet to do the whole marriage and creating a family with that person thing yet. I think thats what I want the most. Rosalie will always be apart of my life and I will always love her. Nothing will change that.
I used donor sperm to have my first child and can't wait to go back and have a second. My family has been super supportive. It is the best thing I have ever done.
The thought of not having children scares me.
The thought of creating a family with someone new scares me.
The thought of L feeling left out of said family scares me.
The thought of blending scares me.
The thought of going back to newborn stage scares me.
The thought of a large age gap scares me.
The thought of if L is 8, 10, 12 when 'we' are 'ready' to try, and then I get scared because I don't want to start all over again scares me.
The thought of being older and pregnant scares me.
This, it's ALL very scary :-)
I would like to know what it feels like to have a normal, supported pregnancy. During my first pregnancy, XH was away at basic training for several months and I found out my brother had terminal cancer near the end. That was devastating.
I was looking forward to having such a great time when I was pregnant with YDD, and then XH decided he needed a girlfriend. Like a lot of you have said, it kind of ruined the experience.