coming to terms with things

sunflowergrl · January 2011

So I always wanted to have my kids close in age, (16-18 months). Well, I BFed for a year, and didn't see AF. We started TTC anyway, and I was testing regularly just incase. Well, I never saw AF, but got a BFP in early Dec. We were ecstatic to say the least. The next day I m/c. Next to losing the pregnancy itself, the hardest part was watching my dream of having siblings close in age drift away.

We tried last month, but AF reared her ugly head. We were devistated. We are trying again this month, but if it doesnt' happen, we are taking a break until April. This was a very hard decision to come to. With my b-day and DD's b-day in Dec, along with Christmas and other family member's b-days, we decided we want to avoid another Dec. birthday. (Next month would give me a late nov b-day and I went late with DD so we want to avoid worring about going past my DD into Dec)

Right now I am surrounded by pg friends. And while I am so unbelievably happy for them, it's like salt in the wound.

Anyway, this morning while listening to the radio I randomly heard "I had a bad day" I don't know what it was about that song, but it just made me okay with whats going on. Yes I'm still sad I won't have my "dream" life, but it's just not what God had in store for me. And I have to be okay with that.

If it doesn't happen this month, It will be nice to have my body back to myself for those 2 months.

So I'm not sure why I typed this all out, but it helps to get it out there. I am okay. I will be okay, and I will love my life and my every one of the kids God grants to me/us. If you read this.. thanks. )

vmm0016 · January 2011

I just wanted to say I am so very sorry for your loss! I would love to be pregnant right now too but we just can't afford it and I have come to terms that our sweet girl might be our only one. It is hard but at least we have one baby because it was hard to even get pregnant with her. Anyway, sorry I am rambling.

amber&patrick · January 2011

Good to hear you're comfortable with where you are right now.

I used to try to plan my life out. I found out I was much happier just enjoying life rather than worrying about planning the next step.

Don't worry about things that are not in your control. I know it's easier said than done, but try reminding yourself of it every now and then and see if it helps.

Hollywood214 · January 2011

I'm so glad you are OK now. You are such a strong and positive person. I'm so proud of you for staying hopeful in a tough situation. Not many people can do that. Oh and you will have your "dream" life, God has great plans for you! Cammie will be a big sis soon Big Smile

1momma · January 2011

hugs momma ???love you

LoveEeyore · January 2011

Sorry for your loss. Your "dream life" will be your dream life, because that's just what your children do. Before the twins were concieved, I miscarried a baby whose due date was exactly 2 months earlier than the twins' due date. I was on bcp and bf 8-10X a day and not ready to stop that. Not ready for another. And then a BFP. My original dream of 3 yrs between kids changed. With that pregnancy my dream suddenly became 2 under 2! And then I lost the baby.

I came to tems with it and even had myself convinced my life was perfect and I didn't want anymore children. And then the next minute, I was pregnant with twins! I can't imagine my family any other way, but it looks nothing like my original dream.

I'm glad you're okay with it, coming to terms with it. Best of luck. I'm not religious but I have no doubt that if you let go/accept what is, things are freer to fall into their proper place.

Hot Sauce on a Stick · January 2011

{{hugs}} I love you

jennybeams · January 2011

I'm sorry for your loss. Just remember, no matter what we think is the best decision in life, God always has a better plan. If you pray and God doesn't answer, it's because he knows he can do better. Your children will still be very close even if they're 2+ years appart. I also think that having both in December would be fun! A double birthday party every year!

jonnygurl76 · January 2011

keep your chin up. sometimes life has a plan for us that we can't foresee.

davis0905 · January 2011

So glad you are feeling at peace now. I am not sure why you want your kids to be so close in age but if it is becuz you want them to be close, I want to share with you that my sister and I are 4 1/2 yrs apart and we are the best of friends, and always have been. The age difference did not affect our closeness at all. Hang in there and hugs to you!