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Postpartum Depression
Feeling Cheated
Hello all,
I don't post much, but I thought I would write about some of the feelings I've been having lately. I've had a 15 year battle with depression, and I knew that if I ever got pregnant I would most likely have to deal with PPD. Well, I'm not only dealing with PPD, but PTSD as well.
Back in November, when I was 27 weeks along pregnant, I beame very ill. I had a build up of blood in my chest and had to have an emergency C-Section. My doctor still doesn't know what caused it, in fact, in the 30 + years he's practiced as an OB/GYN he never saw anything like that. My baby and I nearly died because of this illness. Thankfully, I'm healthy now and my baby now weighs 7 lbs and is out of NICU.
Lately, I've been feeling bad because I didn't get to finish out my pregnancy. I never got to experience my third trimester. I never got to have the big belly. When I express these things, I always hear "Well she's healthy and that's all that matters." I'm glad my baby is healthy, I really am. Things could have easily gone another way, I realize that. But whenever I see a pregnant woman, I get a little sad inside. I missed out on 12 whole weeks.
I suffer from night terrors also. Sometimes I don't even remember them, but my husband is always there to comfort me. Things are just so hard to deal with right now. Thanks for letting me vent.
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Re: Feeling Cheated
First off I'm so sorry for what you went through. That must have been terrifying. I'm so glad you and your LO are doing well.
I delivered at 35 weeks. I know that is almost full term, especially to someone who has gone through what you experienced, but to me it was traumatic. I felt cheated too. My complications started in second trimester and I felt like my real life stopped when bed rest started. While I was so grateful for the weeks I made it on bed rest I also felt like I missed out on being pregnant. I wasn't able to do any of the normal things pregnant women do- the baby shower, the child birth classes, the preparations. I didn't get to feel contractions or go through labor or hold my baby when he was born. We couldn't have visitors in the NICU either so no one, including our parents, got to come to the hospital. We just sat alone for days. Nothing was the way it should have been
When I would discuss it, I was meant with the same responses you get- be grateful. The thing people don't understand is that the experience of pregnancy and the baby are two different things. While you are very grateful for the baby to be here, happy and healthy, you are grieving the loss of the experience you have waited for your whole life. Someone who hasn't been through it doesn't understand.
I had a really hard time because I didn't feel like I fit with the preemie moms since DS was late term, they would have killed to see 35 weeks, but no one with a normal pregnancy understood the sense of loss I felt. It's so hard when people tell you "just be grateful of the outcome." -because you are grateful. And then you feel guilty because you know there were babies in that NICU who didn't make it and yours did. There is no way to explain that feeling to someone who hasn't been there.
I can say from experience it gets better with time. The feelings are still there but they fade. Your child fills up so much of you heart and your life that soon, there is just too much happening to dwell on that sadness and loss. Life goes on. But I totally get the feelings. I still get twinges of jealousy or frustration when people don't appreciate what they have with their normal pregnancies, but it does get better. :::Hugs:::
Owen Matthew 11/1/2009 4lbs 10oz 16.5in
Born 5 weeks early by C/S | Severe Pre-Eclampsia
BFP #2 5/1/2011 | M/C @ 7 weeks | D&C 5/25/2011
TTC #2 | HSG Clear | SA 2% Morph otherwise great
3 failed Femara/TI cycles moving on to IUI
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I am sorry to hear about your experience but I am glad to know that your baby is doing good! I actually have a really close friend who just delivered twins on 11/20 and she was only 25 weeks (they are still in the NICU)....I cant imagine what you guys are going through.
I feel guilty to even post this as a reply because my experience is nothing like yours and I was actually induced at almost 41 weeks but at the same time I "feel cheated" as well.
Very long story short, there were major complications at birth and my baby was critically ill and in the NICU for 17 days. I didnt see him for 17 hours after he was born, hold him until 5 days old or feed him until about a week and a half and by that time he wanted nothing to do with the breast (so I pump and bottle feed). I feel cheated when I hear other people say "you know that feeling when they hand your new baby to you for the first time" - well I dont know that feeling. The first time I held him he was five days old and had tubes and wires coming out everywhere. I never got that elated/calm/happy feeling people talk about, I was too busy making sure not to pull on his wires and looking at the monitor to make sure his oxygen level was still ok. Even the first time I saw him, I was wheeled into the NICU and had to ask which baby was mine. Thats a horrible feeling. I absolutely love my baby to death and I wouldnt trade him or this experience for the world but I know that I have so much anxiety and feelings that I havent dealt with. I went to the doc today and got script for Zoloft but now I am afraid to take because I am BFing. I know I need to go and talk to someone. I have an appointment tomorrow.
Hang in there. I am feeling a little better day by day but then I hear someone say something about thier perfect delivery and it throws me right back to my sadness about the situation.